Tuesday, August 8, 2017

She Wakes Up

There is a pattern....and the pattern is we grow up as a child and think that every boy and girl has what we can relate to as COOTIES! Yet as we grow and learn what love is and we figure out what we want for ourselves suddenly that boy or girl with cooties seems cute.

You go out on a dates and more dates and more dates. Boy and girl end up planning their lives together. Before you know the parents are watching their baby get married. Tears are shed both of worry and joy and as a parent you watch your loved one grasp the hand of the one they just promised to live together in joy and hardship for the rest of their lives.

As they drive off with signs in the back dragging behind..."JUST MARRIED" as a parent, you hope and pray that they have a better life than you could ever imagine. Now the Mr. and Mrs. plan a family.

Well, that is how its supposed to be...

Never in my life did I ever anticipate a daughter that would take her life at 14 and then another daughter that has what many can also relate to as "PANIC ATTACKS" doctors cannot pin point why they began, how they began, but some have shared with me it can be related to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD)

As a parent you are supposed to want for your kids a better future than what you have or had. That is the ultimate goal isn't it? No matter if you as a person is showered with riches, have amazing cars parked in the garage, a fat bank account and a home that everyone envies when they step in. You as a parent, should want more for your kids than you ever had.

You want them to grow up strong in mind and like. You want them to grow up and show the world they have both inner beauty and outer beauty. You want them to grow up strong, independent, financially okay. You want them to go off to college to find themselves and become educated. Once educated, you pray once again they land their "dream job." 

She Wakes Up Each & Every Day

She wakes up each and every day wondering...

"Will this be the day I suffer from yet another panic attack?" 
"Will this be the day I feel my chest caving in" 
"Will this be the day I feel I can no longer go on?"

I can tell you, being a parent of a child that suffers from panic attacks is the most stressful time for a mother or a father. She fears she will be left alone, she fears I will take off and never come back, she fears I will drive and get into a car accident and that accident will claim my life.

She fears being alone, each curtain is drawn, each blind shut, each door locked, each space check and re-checked. I must call her on my work brake, my lunch brake, and when I am on my way home. If I do not do that she will call me and ask when I will be home, if I am on my way home.

Her father who lives in California, she went to visit him at 8 years old. She cried at the airport in my arms weeping as if she lost her puppy, weeping as if the plane will crash and she will no longer see me. Once she arrived all she did was cry, she wept so badly her father had her call me.

I talked her down from the panic attack and told her repeatedly she is coming home, she needs to visit her father, she needs to learn to be without me for that brief moment. I told her over and over, "baby, I love you, you know that but you need to see your father, you need to spend time with him."

After two days of straight crying, he put her on a plane and sent her home early. It broke his heart that his own daughter didn't want to be with him. For NINE YEARS I have talked her down from panic attacks, I have grabbed her to stop her from shaking, I have had to tell her "just breath" for nine years I have felt my life is on hold and don't even get me started about me dating!

Each time I go out on a date she calls me repeatedly over and over actually killing the date and me going home from enjoying my time and space out as an adult! I have ignored her calls and tried to let her find her own path and talk herself down from her panic attacks and yet, to no avail, it was a failure of an episode.

Dealing with a child that suffers from panic attacks, it makes me wonder how will she continue in life? Just yesterday 8/7/2017 she went off with a long time friend the mother of her friend and sister of her friend to Tacoma Washington. A family friend has all the bells and whistles of fun that anyone could ever imagine.

He has jet skis, speed boats and he lives right on the ocean floor waters. He has this amazing beach house (so I'm told) the plan is my daughter Sela and her friend and family members are driving up to Tacoma and stay two nights and three days filled with fun and laughter. They are going tubing while being pulled on the boat, they will jet ski, eat rich delicious foods, sit by the fire toasting marshmallows and enjoys s'mores.

Well this morning I awoke to 25 missed calls from Sela and then finally answering her phone call (against my better judgment) she was crying so hard, she could barely breath, I could hear the quivering of fear in her breath, I could hear the snot running down her nose. She is miserable and hating life and wants me to drive up and get her.

How is she to continue in life without me when I die from old age? How is she to go off to college and enjoy life as what is deemed a normal person finding her way? How is she to fall in love, get married, and have her own family if she is acting this way?

Helping a child or young teen through panic attacks is very real. Attached is a link that you can follow if you feel your child suffers panic attacks and exactly what symptom's occur.


WebMD offers some great advice as well.


This morning after talking to her she called yet again and with great pains in my heart and great heaviness in my bones, I let the phone ring. The one thing through therapy that I have learned is the older a child gets that suffers these panic attacks is to let themselves try to get out of it faster than when they fell into it.

Helping a child grow up that suffers from  panic attacks is painful yet crippling to the parent. I feel as if my life has been on hold for the past nine years. Sela made a comment once, "when I go to college at Washington University (located in Seattle) you will be moving with me"

I am beginning to wonder how much truth there actually is to her statement?