Sunday, August 6, 2017

Oh The Joys of Being A Single Mom!

Growing up and trying to blend my life into what was expected of me by my parents, never in my life did I ever expect to cross paths of my plan my mother so carefully laid out for me (expectations I was just shocked over) never in my life did I ever think I would be a single parent.

My whole family is married with kids, their kids have been dating the either the same person for years or living together, yet me, I am the single one often referred to as, "you know who I'm talking about, she's the single mother, the daughter of Pauline and Del."

I have always been referred to as "Don's sister, Pauline's daughter, Del's daughter, Sara's mother, Sela's mother." I have NEVER been referred to by my name. I don't understand why my mom even named me?

I do know that growing up I often pissed off my dad and when the anger hit the wall well, closely behind came those famous words he would roar, "dammit child" after being told that for years I began to wonder if that was my first and last name?

I do however remember as a young child standing in the grocery store with my dad one afternoon someone asked me what my name was and I looked at my dad and knew this was my moment to shine, this was my revenge as always being called "dammit child" I would turn with a snicker to my lips and my eyes wide with revenge. I would muster up the challenge and gleam with pride at the strange telling them "DAMMIT CHILD"

My dad just tossed his head back and laughed with such a belly laugh and the poor woman who just had to know my name well, she stood there bug-eyed and her jaw dropping to the ground.

Through all the laughter and memories growing up as a child, having the life that I did never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would be the one single and with kids. I always imagined myself married, a husband, a white picket fence, money in the bank, traveling with my hubby and kids, you get it having the whole life that married people do.

I can tell you though living as a single parent I have always wondered if I have short changed my daughters out of a dad. Let's just put it in layman's terms. Imagine your walking through the grocery store and you know just how to pick out the best steak within the market. You know exactly what to look for. One with very little fat, rich in color, thick and juicy, well when it comes to me picking out men I would be the one in the grocery store picking out a steak that has expired!

Yet, for some reason after I pick out the expired steak I would tell myself, "I can save it, I can put lots of spice and flavor on it and no one would ever know it has expired."

Yep, I have the broken picker if I were to point my finger at a man I thought was a good man to be with a man who was great for my kids, my finger would look like it was run over by a steam roller then puffed back up and then butchered once again.

As a single parent I know just for speaking to myself I have lived with so much guilt of pain wondering just why I always picked the wrong guy. My daughter's of course have always been somewhat supportive, somewhat caring, and then there were times my daughter's would look at me and wonder just what the hell I was smoking?

I do know I have become the strongest woman one can ever imagine being. I have had to learn to depend on myself and myself only when it comes to repairing the garbage disposal (yes, I have lost a lot of broom sticks that way) when trying to fix the plumbing in the shower because of the massive clogs from my daughter's hair. I have always pulled out something that resembled a wadded watered down and mutilated bundle of dead rat often leaving my kids running and screaming in fear and me ready to hurl at the sight of what I just pulled from the drain and trying to not puke at the not only the smell but the sight.

As a single parent we have to be both the dad and the mom and often I have noticed I am more of the dad then the mom. My tender heart and loving ways is often interrupted by my stern demeanor and lecturing ways of doing things right.

I often wonder if other single parents wonder if there is always more we can be doing, are we doing to much or are we not doing enough? Sure the life as a single parent from someone wealthy is super easy but not every single parent has it that good.

I wonder if I love kids enough, if I don't love them enough, I wonder if I'm working to much or not working enough? When my daughters turn to me and they want those "in style" jeans and tops and they look at me with their wide eyes in hopes that I say yes and yet, I have to tell them, "maybe next month baby, I have just to much I have to pay out this month" that is when I see the sadness rip through their faces and the pain that follows.

My heart breaks and I know that they deserve so much better than the life I am trying to give them. I wonder if they will appreciate me for the hard work I am trying to do and still divide my time up and be with them?

Do I hug them enough or do they need more hugs? When there is that special day at school for the "Father-Daughter Dance" do their hearts break, do they secretly cry at night because they don't have a dad to go to school with and show off to their friends? I always knew from the school bulletin when those Father/Daughter days were coming. I always kept my daughters out of school that day and take them to the beach or to the fun zone and try to make up for what I lacked, a husband and a father for my daughters.

Don't even get me started with DATING! One guy came to the door for my oldest daughter and when I opened up that door and saw what was standing outside all I could do is drop my mouth, wonder if I should ask to see his latest RAP SHEET from his criminal background, his horrible communication, his lack of cleanliness, and all I could say was..."OH HELL NO!" followed with the slamming of the door on his face.

I can teach my daughters to be a great woman, I can teach them to be strong independent women, I can teach them to do laundry, cook, how to love kids, but do I have what it takes to show them what a man should teach them about dating and men?

The stress of being a single parent will keep you up at night, it will always make you second guess yourself, it will create a great divide from your soul and your heart, it will make you strong and independent often to independent.

There was a guy that I was dating and when he tried to fix something for me all I could do was sit back and critique what he was doing wrong and tell him, "your not doing that right, move I will do it" talking about deflating a man's ego!

Oh the joys of being a single mom!