Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Visions

Well, here I am blogging at 2:37 am and with very little sleep. There are many things that can and will cripple a family. Divorce can and will cripple anyone especially if there are kids involved. I have spoken to so many families and kids when they are going through a divorce. Ultimately, the kids always end up feeling like it is their fault their parents are getting divorced.

There is the fighting, the screaming, the tears, the attorney's, the kids suddenly being ripped from the arms of what they deem to be a familiar lifestyle to suddenly being torn apart like the last girdle in a department store.

The kids end up in therapy with the help of a perfect stranger in a room filled with diplomas on the wall while prying to get the kids to open up about their feelings in regards to their parents divorce.

Any type of tragic event can and will disrupt a family no matter if it is a house filled with kids or a single mother such as myself. Tragic events need to be talked about yet feared to speak of. Our once strong footings can seem weak and vulnerable often leaving us fearing where we walk, step, and rest our feet on.

I blogged a few blogs ago about one topic that needs to be talked about. That subject is SUICIDE. Last night I came home from work a day that was filled with laughter for me and typically seeming like an every day event at work. I work at a company that is the largest retail company and the people that I work with are amazing. They are good people and always seem to have your back when things go wrong.

I worked from 4-8 and once I was home, I found Sela my youngest daughter upstairs in her room and when I entered she asked me to sit down that she needed to speak to me. She warned me that I will be upset, she warned me I would over react, she warned me that I may even cry.

Sela told me that she called the suicide hotline and spoke to a woman about suicide and how she wanted to kill herself. The lady on the other end of the phone told her to dispose of all the medicine that could ultimately lead to her death. Medication such as Vicodin, pain killers, muscle relaxers, anything that could and will assist in her death.

Sela began telling me how she felt empty, cold, unwanted, confused, she didn't know where she fit in, she felt as if she didn't fit in anywhere and she wanted to end her life. Imagine a mother being told by her child that he/she wanted to end their life due to confusion of their own life.

Within seconds I could feel my heart beating as if it was going to explode out of my chest, I could feel my body quivering, I could feel my mind swirling and twirling similar to a tornado destroying everything in its path. I was so confused, I was so frightened. I wanted to get up off her bed and grab her and shake her then yell and scream at her begging and pleading to knock off this crap

Ever since she found out about Chance's death she has hit rock bottom. She lost the light that would guide her down her path, she lost her footing within her path. She was now plagued with devastation and doom while trying to keep her hidden pain such a secret. A secret she thought I would never understand. Yet, it is all to familiar to me. From 2002-2006 I chased my oldest daughter Savi all over trying to save her life.

Savi entered multiple mental institutions on a 51/50 which is more commonly known as suicide threat to themselves. Savi was on Zoloft the same medication as Sela and now Sela struggles with clear mental thinking and wants off her Zoloft right now. She feels it is giving her mental anguish and unclear thoughts that are crippling her mind.

As I sit and pound out these letters that form sentences, I am confused on how to put my thoughts to words for many who are going through the same thing. I am wondering if my pain and sorrow I am currently filled with will even help a family or single mother to understand they are in fact not alone.

Suicide is one of the most horrible events that can and will cripple a family. There is guilt, there is doubt that fills our minds from the parents left behind to bury their loved ones. I have learned the hard way and I mean the HARD WAY, if I were to meet someone that also lost their loved one to suicide I can never say, "I know what your going through" because in total essence, we don't really know. Every family that is crippled by this horrible event that takes place, every suicide is different from the next. There are millions of reasons why someone ends their life. It just so happens two people lost a loved one to suicide.

Sela is in fact very much alive and living but she is just one sneeze away from ending her life and I am struggling on keeping her alive. She is just riddled with confusion and pain and so sensitive to what others say and think about her. She is tormented when someone thinks the worst of her, her pain is sharper than a brand new bladed knife.

The crazy thing is, I have helped hundreds of families walk through the storm of losing a loved one to suicide and never in a million years would I ever imagine it hitting so close to home for me. Once upon a time Sela was filled with laughter, she was filled with love in her eyes, when I looked at her I could see the love she has for me, her eyes would dance at life, she was filled with joy, now when I look at her, I no longer see my reflection in her eyes, I just see darkness and the life, love, and passion for her future once dancing about is now dead and gone.

I can counsel just about everyone and what to do, but when it comes to me, I have no clue how to help her. Once in medical school, I was told by my instructor,

"if you are working in the emergency room and your own child comes in on a stretcher, you would not be able to save his/her life due to the mental connection you have. Your emotions will be all over the map, panic sets on and clear thinking fly out the window. Yet, if someone came in on a stretcher you had no connection with, no love for, no past, you instinctively know what to do, you know the steps to saving a life, you know through training how to save a  life and you jump and you save their life."

Last night I went to bed and as I closed my eyes my mind went into overdrive with horrible visions. I had visions of Sela hanging herself in her closet. My imagination lead me to thoughts of how she took her belt and strapping it around her pole that holds the hangers for her clothes then making a noose and then putting her head in and then letting her feet dangle while she slowly dies. In the morning I walk in to get her up and find her hanging in her closet dead.

How do I help her, how do I get her out of this funk of depression? How do I help her find her way? How and what can I do to show her that her life has meaning, she is the most vital person in my life? Will the words I choose to say to her give her the security and clarity that she needs? Will the importance of how and what she means to me, will it make a difference?

How do I clear the fog so that she can see what I see when I look at her? How do I bring light to her now darkened path of life? How do I get her to understand that she is a true beauty in her own right, that she fills a room with passion and love just by walking into it.?

For families that wish to not speak about suicide and how it affects you and your family, please talk about it. Please seek help, please do not close the conversation between a child and its parents. Be there for their support and help them walk through the storm. Take them by their hand and tell them you will be there every step of the way to help the get through this.