Monday, April 17, 2017

Simple Facts

As a little girl, my mon was always the one to ultimately give me advice when I showed an interest in a guy. I think it was more of a reality shock for my mom that her little girl was growing up but, now years later and much wiser, I wish I would have listened to my mom.

Now I know that when it comes to dating, somethings have changed but not all of them. When it comes to my daughter Sara, well she was and is still the one being the "chasee" she doesn't let the man be the "chaseor"

My mom always told me..
  • Men like a challenge
  • Don't give in so easily
  • Make them work for you
  • For God's sake, DO NOT chase them
  • Don't be a tease, that makes you look easy
Still as I post this, I can hear my mom's words ringing in my ears, "by chasing a guy, you appear easy, readily available for sex, it's like your heat or something." It seemed overwhelming when it came dating as a young girl and if I would have listened to my mom, then possibly, just possibly, I wouldn't have gone through so many divorces!

The Sharing of Gary

Saturday night we talked about so many things. He talked about his recovery with drugs and alcohol and how he has been sober for 19 years now, his job, his ex-wives, his kids, his mom's death, and how Christmas never the same after her death. Gary's mom every Christmas got up at before the sun began to shine and she started on her traditional homemade cinnamon rolls.

Later in the morning all the family would come together and sit around enjoying the delicious wonderful cinnamon rolls along with fresh coffee and juice. Someone would play Santa Claus which was always Gary and each person would open a gift and all would watch with squeal's of delight. Later in the day his mom would make her wonderful delicious prime rib dinner followed with homemade mashed potatoes and all the other fixins that went with a traditional Christmas dinner.

Now since his mom's death, the family just pretty much dispersed and stopped getting together for the holidays. There was no more Thanksgiving, there was no more birthday dinners, and Christmas was now completely over.

While he sat and shared all his pain and sorrow and how he now hated Christmas and birthdays or Thanksgiving, I just sat and listened. I never interrupted, I never gave my thoughts on the matter because this was his story, this was his pain he was sharing. So, me trying to be understanding to most of his pain and some parts of me felt like it was the saddest form of living, I asked him, "so if we got together, would you be so willing to enjoy Christmas with my family, would you want to come over and open gifts and be part of a warm loving family?"

And Gary's response just shocked me.

"Nope, I hate Christmas now, I hate the idea of having to go out and shop for gifts. I hate the idea now of sitting around a living room with a roaring fire and people laughing and giggling in delight of their gifts and the gifts that they gave. Christmas has become so commercialized, why would you want to participate on such a joke now?"   

I tried to entice him with the beauty of Christmas and being with a family and enjoying the company of people that you love and enjoy spending your time with. NOPE! he wasn't going to have anything to do with it ever again. (STRIKE ONE! & RED FLAG WARNING)

I also did some sharing of my own. I informed him of Sela's OCD and how it plagued her with certain ways of how she does things. Sela's routine is mandatory to her and being able to do her daily routine each day and each way, well if you know any one with OCD and you try to force someone with such an issue to change or alter the way they do things it can be not only detrimental to them it can be crippling for them as well.

I told Gary because of what my daughter has, doctors wanted to test me. They wanted to see if her OCD comes from me. So, they tested me, Gary was very much into my conversation, he was wanting to learn so much about me. I told him once the test was over and I had the results, I was 5% OCD and 95% observant. The doctors that gave the test thought something went wrong during the testing phase and had me retake the test. Once the results were in again the results had changed. I was 3% OCD and 97% observant. Seven out of eight doctors were shocked I could be that observant.

I told Gary I was so observant that I knew and saw what was coming down the pike when it related to our feelings for each other. I was extremely observant towards every single word he shared, what he shared, how he shared it. That alone I think bothered him so much. So with his story related to Christmas and his pain and my input on how I saw his pain, what I thought, and my feelings on this matter I think it put him in an uncompromising feeling that he was not in control.

Certain Topics Need Not Be Discussed!

There are two things I believe we should never talk about when it comes to dating and getting to know someone. The first is politics and the second is religion. But somehow we got on the topic of politics and I tried to alter the conversation but Gary was head on gang busters wanting to talk about Donald Trump and what he is doing and what he is not doing. I believed he pulled out his soap box and jumped on and began brow beating me about my own beliefs and how I felt about that specific topic. (STRIKE TWO! & RED FLAG WARNING)

Gary and I often talked about wanting to be together and how to make this work being that we lived two hours away. We talked about him staying at a hotel/motel because I was not going to let him stay here. He quickly agreed and while we enjoyed our conversation we both felt it was fitting to talk about how great things were going. We both "got each other" on similar subjects, we both understood how our thinking and ideas were when it came to loyalty, love, and commitment.

I admit though, I am very rough around the edges when it comes to dating and letting a man into my world. Hell, I have been alone now for almost five years so letting a man into my world, my space, and my time was somewhat challenging for me. I have become accustomed to my space, my time, coming and going when I want, not having to answer to anyone. But at the same time I wanted a relationship, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be wanted so trying to find that happy medium was so hard for me.

Did I become selfish with my time, oh hell yeah, I was that hermit crab I shared about earlier in one of my post. I was fighting a battle within my own head of wanting to be with someone yet I struggled with so much. Then it happened, for some stupid reason I blurted out to Gary Saturday night how I shared his picture with all the girls at work and how I just knew we would end up together, I just knew that we would. Because I told him that, he freaked out which sent me very confusing messages.

Gary's verbal messages he was sending me was...
  • We are going to make a great couple
  • We are going to make this work
  • We are going to have a wonderful relationship
  • This is going to be the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time
  • I love sharing with you, talking to you, opening up to you, I want more
  • I want to hold you and love you
  • I could tell he fell in love super easily and I knew he was having those feelings for me. When I brought it to his attention that I "knew" he was, it bothered him.
Than Gary blurted out, "how are we not going to have sex the first time we meet? We have such a strong connection on the phone, are we just going to rip off our clothes and make mad passionate love to each other?"

My body is far from resembling Barbie. It is not rock hard, things sag and droop and after three C-sections, well certain parts of my stomach are not the most appealing to look at. I am very self-conscious about this and it worries me to death what a man will think of me naked next to him. This has been one of my greatest fears when alone and naked with a man.

I know that every single man and woman has fears of their bodies and how they appear naked. Men worry about the size of their penius while attempting to pleasure a woman and women fear how their bodies look. I am almost fifty-six years old and well, lets face it, three kids later my breast are far from perky and beautiful. Yep, if I had the $45,000 dollars I would go in and get the butt suction, the breast implants, the tummy tuck and a few things a little tighter.

One guy told me, "we men get to a certain point during foreplay, we don't care what a woman's body looks like, we just want to shove it in." so are my fears justifiable, is it shallow, possibly, is it ridiculous to feel this way, maybe, I just have feared for many years now that my body is not the most desired thing. I have joined a gym, I have worked out, I have done the stomach crunches and to no avail, it stays the same. 

Easter Morning

So, on Saturday night after finally hanging up with Gary around close to one in the morning, for some godly reason I woke up at five in the morning. I tried to go back to sleep, I

I was never the one to chase Gary, I was never the one to send the first text message in the morning unless he asked me, "when you wake up in the morning text me so I know your awake." I felt that was a reasonable request. I made so many mistakes in the past with so many men I decided I was finally going to take my mom's advice. A little late? yeah!

He texted me back Happy Easter and chatted for a little bit and once I told him I had to get ready to go to my mom and dad's house, I texted to him, "call me later tonight?" he quickly texted me back, "you know it baby."

Getting the Boot!

My parents live in a very remote area surrounded by mountains and the tallest of pine trees. It is just stunning and beautiful. All of us my two daughters and myself were enjoying my parents all laughing and chatting and drinking wine.

I thought I heard my phone ding and when I looked at it, this is what I got from Gary.

Hi Baby,
I have given this much thought last night and I feel we are not compatible at all. Your over powering thoughts and feelings about us how you are so SURE we would end up together really bothered me. Especially how you just KNOW we would end up together. I need time to think about things and I wanted to wish you the best, good luck in your search when it comes to finding someone.

Something I wasn't expecting, but oh well. I quickly deleted his name, the pictures he sent me of his home, his backyard, him playing golf, the pictures of hearts and two people in love, the pictures of lips and wanting to kiss me, the cartoon of flowers he sent me telling me I am just as beautiful as the flowers, the loving words, everything GONE!

Moving On!