Saturday, April 1, 2017

How You Deal with It




For many of us in this crazy mixed up world getting out of bed is or can be an every day struggle. I have opened up and shared some of the most painful things that I have endured since giving child birth. Just yesterday, I took Sara to the train station dropping her off so she can make her short but sweet trip to Seattle. While waiting for the train, we began talking about Savi and how none of us have heard from her for sometime now.

Sara shared how Savi turned off her Facebook account, turned off her phone or had it disconnected, and basically is "MIA" with no word or notice of any of her whereabouts. Sara's painful thinking is that she must be drinking once again or dabbling in drugs once more.

I of course shared this concern with my mother who quickly picked up her phone then calling Savi only to find out that her phone was in fact disconnected. I could see the heavy concern sweep over my mother's face then fear following close behind.

For myself, it is taking me back to the many years of suffering memories of chasing after Savi trying to save her life. How I put Sara on the back burner leaving her with all the motherly responsibilities for our home and my newest baby Sela who is now almost seventeen.

We All Have One or More

We all have one or more person in our personal lives that we worry about. No matter the level of success or lack of success, we worry about a loved one that could possibly be suffering in silence. Sela at the tender age of eleven lost four friends to suicide within one year. I watched a vibrant growing young girl merging into being a teen with huge vast of success an enormous dream bucket of what she wanted to achieve, listening to all her dreams and wondering how to make them happen to now one that suffers from panic attacks and anxiety that needs it's own rector scale.

We as mothers tend to blame ourselves for not being that perfect "June Ward" Beaver Clever Mother often flip flopping from within our troubled minds asking ourselves have we done all that we can do to make our child feel loved to then asking ourselves could I have possibly done more to show our child or children what they bring to not only our everyday lives but our heart and mind as well.

I have spoken in so many support groups supporting the painful lifestyle that a woman's child is now living. Trust me when I say no matter how much support I give or the words of wisdom that I divulge to these mothers, I hear the blame game that they put upon themselves.

"If only I didn't work so much"
"If I only had a job"
"If I would of done more "follow-through" instead of always giving in"
"Why didn't I see this coming"
"Why didn't I hear their pain"
"Why was I so blind to what he/she needed from me"

Single mother's such as myself, are always blamed for everything! We are blamed for how our children turn out, our child or children's downfalls, their drug habit, failing school, not being there enough, being there too much, for not supporting them when they needed their mom the most.

99.99% of the time single mothers are not created, they are handed a life that just unfair. The amount of hats we must wear in order to provide a roof over our child or children's head, food in their stomach and every other task that goes along with being a single mother is frightfully bone chilling.

I am a firm believer and trust me I will have many people that will tell me to F**K OFF when I say, "there are many women out there that do not deserve to be mothers" these are troubled women who worry more about their next drug fix, their next swig of booze, the next man in their life, the next of the next of the next. They do not worry about what is best for their children instead, they are more worried about themselves. The children of these women often will turn up within the court system these are the children that lack direction, they lack empathy, they lack love, and sadly, many of them have never experienced the loving arms of their own mothers.

That is where I come in. While going through the court system myself with Savi, the blame game was alive and kicking. I was blamed for Savi's alcoholism, I was blamed for her drug addiction, I was blamed for not understanding my own child, I was blamed if she breathed wrong, if she dressed wrong, I was blamed for so many things and right about now the memory of the blame game is alive and kicking.

I was beginning to feel like one of those women who didn't know how to be a mother, who seemed to lack empathy for her child yet I was still struggling to bring some sort of home life for my other two daughters. I was constantly trying to sort out what was real and what wasn't which created such a negative impact on my life.

We tend to become angry with our own children when the blame game is presented to us on a platter. It seems as if no matter what we do or how we do it, we are blamed for our children's misfortunes. I have watched mothers have complete melt downs first from anger then the anger turning into rage when they try with every desperate attempt to defend themselves yet not one person ever listened.

No matter what these mothers said and I am talking good mothers, mothers who work, mothers who provide a home for their children, place a hot meal on the dinner table each night, mothers who sit up helping their child at the last minute on those school projects, helping with that last minute math test, mothers who know how to really love their children, mothers who put more than 110% into their family home, yet they are blamed when their child or children tend to somehow slip through the cracks.

Choices

While I was going through my own personal struggles with my family life was well as my personal life battling every single blow-by-blow from every Tom, Dick, & Harry that came around every single corner, step, jaunt, or like a thief in the night, I was once told and this is what I hold on to each and every day of every single life breath I take...

"We all make our own choices. There is only so much you can do, you can shower your child or children with unconditional love, guide them through some of the darkest days of their lives, struggled deep within our own hearts and minds if in fact we taught them enough of "right and wrong" actions once your child or children merge from the cocoon of young child to teen, their choices will affect them for the rest of their natural lives."

Oh sure you can say something to the effect in which I am sure we as parents either married or single have heard ourselves saying...

"You know, I have walked this path before, I know the final outcome and trust me my dear sweet child, it never turns out good, there will be consequences of your actions."

But of course, your child is much smarter than you, hell, they wrote the book of knowledge, had it published, and then won the Noble Peace Prize for being the most brilliant person in the world. They are determined with such evil forces to prove you wrong.

All three of my daughters were so desperate to be right at some point in their lives. They absolutely hated when I was right they become stubborn and crazy enough to just be right one time. But I as a single mother who has worked within the criminal justice system in both family law and criminal law on the prosecution end saw first hand the choices that teens have made. So, I laid down the law with all three of my daughters.

"If you are stupid enough to make friends of others that you know in your mind and heart are bad kids, and the cops are called DON'T CALL ME! you get arrested you can stay in jail."

Of course, Savi never believed me and that one night, that one hot summer night I received a phone call from the Corona Police Department.

"Mom, I got in a little bit of trouble. I'm at the police station I got arrested I need you to come pick me up."

Of course I got this call past her curfew and I of course climbed out of bed and began driving around looking for her and never finding her. I had to go home I had two younger daughters that needed me so there was only so much I could do.

"Bummer, you got arrested huh? Well, let me ask you this. Have you been shot (no mom I wasn't shot) have you been stabbed? (no mom I wasn't stabbed) is there any broken bones? (no mom no broken bones) well then have a nice visit. See you in seventy two hours."

As the good Dr. Phil says..."Never reward bad behavior, your child is no longer a baby, so if they fail to make good choices, then stop helping them."