Saturday, April 15, 2017
Exposure - Dating
While strolling down the beaches of Washington State, I came across a hermit crab. His shell was mixed with hues of vibrant orange, white and with a hint of rustic color. Every step I made toward him he would scatter away then freeze crawling into his shell for self-protection. As I gathered up the courage to pick him up to glance at this small animal seeking protection, I noticed the more I tried to see this hermit crab the more he would dig himself into his protective shell he called home.
I have managed to protect myself from the outside dating world similar to the hermit crab for the past almost five years now. Oh sure, I wanted to be in a relationship but since I seemed to have this broken picker, the men of my choices were often looked upon as, "What are you thinking being with this two time loser?"
So, in order to no longer hear such negative terms of endearment, I just stayed single. I created this hard like shell similar to the hermit crab not allowing anyone to get near me or even want to ask me out on a date. I began to feel safe within my shell and it felt good to be alone. For many, being alone gives one the time to reinvent themselves, to ponder on self-improvement, self-awareness, and growth.
I believe that spending time alone to learn who you are, what makes you, you, and the most vital of all learning is learning to love yourself. We should learn what our weaknesses are and just how to improve upon them. We need to set goals for ourselves and I mean, realistic goals, not goals that are untouchable, but goals that gain us strength and direction.
It's crazy, here I am one that can't seem to stay married let alone find a man that wants to be with me and here I am giving advice about love and relationships. If that is not an oxymoron I don't know what is!
Two Side to Me
There are two sides to me, one side wants to be loved, wants to grow old with someone, wants to share in the joy and happiness of being with someone, then the other side of me, is so frightened and so insecure I am going to make the same mistakes. Since I have been alone all this time I have been able to dedicate 110% of my time to my youngest daughter who now has her panties in a bunch that I am interested in someone. Did I mention that she is almost seventeen?
Okay, I get it, just about 99.99% of the teens her age can't stand their mothers, they don't want to be seen with them, they don't want do anything with them. Most seventeen year old girls crave to seek out independence and venture away from the nest. Not mine, she is Velcro to my hip!
I know, I know, I get it, I should be thankful I have a daughter that wants to be with me, be seen with me, include me in her everyday life, depend on me, and be her best friend. But on the flip side of that, there is VELCRO to the hip then there is VELCRO to the hip! My daughter is VELCRO to my hip and often I feel confined and trapped.
I am the crab that wants to venture out of her shell yet I fear exposing myself to a man. Being vulnerable is not an easy task for me and allowing a man into my protected shell like world such as the hermit crab, is such a daunting task. I often just throw my arms up and walk away because that is so much easier for myself then allowing a man to see me for me.
I have learned through my COUNTLESS failure of romance, multiple divorces, when two couples meet, they are on their best behavior, both the men and women want to dress to impress. They talk about the right things, the men open doors, they are gallant, charming, and we women, are classy, our makeup is perfection, our hair precisely styled, the grey is gone, so basically in a nut shell, we get this perfection of a person.
As time wears on and couples become more comfortable with each other, they tend to let a few things slip to the wayside. The men don't open the doors as frequently as they did during the courting, the women tend to let the lipstick fade, we wind up in sweats instead of those designer jeans, and before you know it, your both farting in front of each other.
Two Minds Think Alike
As I continue my conversations with Gary, I am learning how in sync we are with our thoughts on love and relationships, the standards we have and must live with. It's almost unreal how our fears are almost the same yet we crave to be so much in love.
Our conversations are real, they are genuine and Gary understands my fears as well as how hard being vulnerable actually is for me. That entails me coming out of my hermit crab shell allowing him to see me for me.
What if he doesn't like what he sees once we meet? What if I am to rough around the edges, what if the illusion he has in his mind of what I am like in person does not measure up to what he thinks I am, does the in sync of our thoughts just go to the way side?
I will say however, Gary has completely removed himself from PoF dating website, he deleted his account and I have done the same. Have you ever been so in sync with someone that is frightening?
I am just freaking out right now thinking of how much I want this, how he makes me feel when I'm talking to him. Gary makes me feel I can talk to him about anything and with no judgment on his part at all. He promised to make me feel safe, he promised me he would do what he could to prove how he is a real man 24/7 and it would never stop.
Is he actually the last of the real men around town making me feel like I caught me a great guy?
Time will tell! But for what I have heard, he sounds pretty amazing.