Sunday, April 16, 2017

Dating + 16 Year Old = HOT MESS

Being a mother is and can be the most relentless title ever. We hold many hats and we make many decisions. Being a single mother in the dating world well, there is and always will be guilt that goes with going out on a date and leaving your one child home alone. Your plagued with wondering if they are okay, your wondering just what your child is thinking let alone are they getting into any kind of trouble while home alone. 

For myself, I have managed to become intertwined in my daughter Sela's life which we should be. But there is a healthy intertwined life with your child then there is not so healthy. My mom constantly told me that I am forgetting about myself and my own needs and she really hopes I find someone before she dies so that I marry and I am not alone.

For starters, my typical day as a single mother went something like this.

  • Get Sela up for school
  • Tell Sela to wake up once more
  • Yell at Sela to wake up again
  • Make threats of what I am going to do to her if she does not get out of that bed and ready for school
  • Make a cup of coffee
  • Make Sela's lunch
  • Drive Sela to school
  • Come home do laundry
  • Tend to the bills
  • Clean house
  • Go get Sela at school
  • Help with homework
  • Start dinner
  • Fold laundry from earlier that morning
  • Forget to take wet clothes out of washing machine where they then turn a stinky smell then wash once more
  • Watch all recorded shows during the evening
  • Go to bed
  • And somewhere between all that, WORK!
Do that five days out of the week, well, then your craving for the weekends to do just nothing. Before you know it, weeks have passed, months have rolled by, then suddenly, it becomes years of being so involved in your child's life, and some how we forget about OUR needs and trying to even have a life.

Dating is something of the past and why? Well, we fall into this every day pattern that sinks us single mothers into what I call a depression. Our world today is filled with not so good men and I myself have feared making the same bad choices (because we all do it, we all make choices that are not so good) and involving a man that could potentially hurt your child.

I have sized up so many men wondering if they would in fact make a good mate for myself and be around my daughter. Where I live, it is just slim pickin's the men in this moth eaten town are either getting out of jail, going to jail, getting out of rehab or going to rehab. We constantly hear on the news how the "stepfather" did this, how the "stepfather" did that. So, we single mother's, tend to keep men at bay for fear of involving someone that could potentially hurt our babies.

I am guilty of that. I am very guilty of protecting my daughter to the point I forget about my life. I put my life on the back burner and some may say, "well, you made the choice of being a mom, so that is what you need to do. You need to put your needs on the back burner and tend to your child's need more than your own."

But there is always one or two single mother's we meet who has landed the "great guy" who is actually great to the kids, loves being with her and then takes the single mother label away and changing it to the Mr. & Mrs. label. As we stand before the newly married Mrs. we wonder why that can't happen to us, why can't we find the great guy, the guy that the kids love, the guy that is involved, the guy that takes the mystery out of wondering when a super great guy is going to come along.

April 15, 2017

So I just got of work and on the way home I called Gary. We were talking and chatting away about our day and as I arrived home, I found Sela sleeping up in her room. I took advantage of this time to continue talking to Gary and well, having good time talking to him.

Twenty or so minutes into the conversation, Sela made her way downstairs and gives me such a look that if she could, she would of thrown fire burning darts to my head followed by a burst of bullets shot all at once.

Our conversation went something like this...

"Get off the phone now, hang up, I want you off the phone so we can watch our recorded shows."
Sela just kept pacing all around the room shooting nasty looks at me, glaring at me with such hatred in her eyes.

Gary had to hang up he had to be somewhere and I was more than glad to hang up from well first from embarrassment and second from anger. Here I am a fifty six year old single mother having an enjoyable conversation with Gary and she comes downstairs barking her demands? I have been alone now for the most part five years. No dating, no talking to one man, no flirting, absolutely NOTHING!

"What is wrong with you, why are you so angry?" I asked her.

"Let's get one thing straight, you are going to fast, I sat on the top of the stairs and listened to your entire conversation and your doing it again, your moving to fast. You promised me you wouldn't and here you are again moving to fast."

"So, while you were sitting up on the top of the stairs listening to me which by the way is rude, did you even know what we were talking about or did you hear a one ended conversation not even knowing actually what was being said?"

"I will not call him my father, I will not call him my stepfather, I already have a dad and actually, Gary can never fill the shoes of my dad. I will call him Gary and that is all I am going to call him got it? understand?"

And Sela continued to lay down the laws of how I am going to have my life be played out. I am not allowed to talk to him while she is awake, I am not allowed to have him come within six miles of this house. I am ONLY allowed to date him when she says its okay.

Sela blurted out that I am more focused on him then her, I am desperate for any man's attention. I am this and I am that and I am becoming a pain in her ass and then she threw out a few "F" bombs and then proceeded to tell me that either I can go upstairs and be alone or she can.

I just lost it, I told her she does not decide for me what I do, she is not going to lay down the laws and have me obey them. I told her I pay the bills, I make sure she is cared for, I have been alone for a very long time and I have made her the center of my life and world and well, now I want to change it up and date someone.

Then the root to the real problem comes up...

"I don't want to lose you, I don't want you to run away and leave me!"

"Why in the hell would I run away? What makes you think I would run away?"

"Because he is five minutes from the Canadian border, your going to go to Canada and never come back and I am going to be alone." Might I remind you all that she is almost 17 years old...I am getting the rules and the laws laid out by a 17 year old person?

I pulled out the state map of Washington and showed her, "he lives HERE, two hours from us, Canada is HERE, and from his house to Canada, it is a five hour drive."

So, she is scared I am going to take off and be alone with him and forget about her...that is just silly. So the million dollar question is this....

How does a single mother introduce dating and still be a mother?