Thursday, April 13, 2017

Dating 101

Okay, so I am not the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to dating. It has been so long since I had a date that I wonder if I even know how to have a date. My mom always pounded into my head the rules when it comes to dating and love.

1. A real woman never contacts the man
2. If the man has something to say, he will call you
3. Never do the asking for a date
4. Never kiss on the first date
5. Give a man a reason to chase you
6. Never chase after a man

I'm sure there is more but that is the top six I remember almost as much as the first tattoo I got when I turned 50. I am from the old school of love and dating. I am a believer that if a woman chases a man it appears to make her look desperate for either sex or a man.

I was watching "Ellen" yesterday and Chelsea Handler as a guest and it just so happened Ellen asked her if she would ever sleep with someone on the first date and of course Chelsea replied, "hell yeah, get all that crap out of the way, why drag something like that out. I mean, you can have this great connection mentally but if you don't have it physically, why the hell drag it out?"

So, as far as the "Old School" is concerned, I refuse to go to sleep with a man until I know I am in love with him. Not smitten by him but actually know it's going to go somewhere and it's not just a one night stand. I hate one night stands and feel if I am going to have one then I should see some cash before and after.

So, I took the plunge and joined up with Plenty of Fish a free dating website. I am sick and tired of someone telling me how they met this fantastic guy on Plenty of Fish (PoF). I was on that dating website some time ago and trust me, it was a joke. So, why join again? Hell if I know!

I call myself the "Challenged_Dater" because that is just what I am. I have been alone for so long now, I am not even sure how to have a date. I don't know what to talk about, what politically correct to talk about and not talk about. I do know and have experienced several times over, the first meeting to see if two actually like either other, it appears to resemble a job interview.

"So, how many boyfriends have you had in the past?" (I believe that is just a horrible question to ask anyone)
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Do you think you would ever consider marriage again?"
"What are your likes and dislikes about dating?"
"How many times have you been married?"
"What are your strengths and weakness about relationships?" (broken down, are you the jealous type and trust me they ask you that, they are a total player just looking to get laid)

(These are legitimate questions I have been asked by men on the first date over coffee.)

Confession Time!

Five years ago I was on PoF and I received a message from a guy named Bill Fletcher. Bill was my first African American man I ever dated. He was handsome, tall and sexy. Well that is what the pictures showed. He claimed on his profile that he lived in Oregon and once we started talking he told me that he was moving to Oregon from California that was why he had his profile set to Oregon.

I was vulnerable and weak and I guess as see through as saran wrap and he picked up on that. We talked all the time and he made himself out to be some great guy. Little did I know he was a master manipulator and con-artist and I was so blinded by him.

Bill and I talked all the time day and night, he told me he owned his own ATM company and he did financially well. He was one of those men that no woman should ever hook up with but I did. We had planned on having him come out and stay for a week and then head back to California to tie up lose ends and then make a move out to Washington permanently.

The day he arrived I was just a nervous wreck. But its what happened after he arrived. I did some really stupid things, things I am still trying to make up with my kids and parents. While he was in the shower cleaning up from his long drive, I went through his wallet to find out anything I could about him. I found out he only had seven dollars to his name and no money to return home. 

So, long story short, I married him and it was all down hill after that. We married rather quickly and I dragged in some horrible experiences with my kids and parents. Bill took off before we could get divorced heading back to California. It took me a year to find him and get divorced but it happened.

Now, six years later I am back on PoF and wondering why? Trust me if you saw the men in Washington State you would understand why. This moth eating town has what I call, "SLIM PICKINS" this small town, well you see the same people all the time. You know who's married and not married, who gay and lesbian and who's not, who is on drugs and who's not, and the single men in this town are just awful!

Now four almost five years later and alone, Sela almost ready to head into college, I have been alone again. During those five almost six years alone I have back peddled all the mistakes I made with Bill to everyone I hurt especially my daughters. If I was the daughter to a mom like me, trust would be hard also and Sela has no problem throwing the past in the my face when I shared with her last night I was back on Plenty of Fish.

So, the first couple of days I never received one message and then suddenly I got a message from a guy name Gary. He lives two hours away and works within the criminal justice system. As soon as Sela found out that I met someone she turned into this negative person reminding me once again of the mistakes I made with Harry, Steve, and Bill.

It hurt and I mean, she went deep into the core of my heart and really hurt me. But, I know that she is worried that I am going to do the same thing, run off and fall in love and forget about her and make this guy the main person in my life as I did with Bill.

I can tell her it won't happen again until the cow's comes home with wings and producing gold from their utters and it won't matter, she is still obviously hurt while filled with bad memories. But for the first time I know I will not make those mistakes because of the horrible pain I caused my parents, Sara, and Sela.

So, anyways, Gary and I exchanged phone numbers to text only for now because that is as far as I will go right now. I have to protect Sela's feelings and ensure her security and feeling safe. She is just scared and I will not put her through such horrible feelings again.

Since Gary, there hasn't been any other messages from a guy wanting to get to know me and that's okay also. I am in no hurry to rush off and let love find me. Sela has big plans and she comes first so I want to make sure I am there for her to help her achieve these big plans by guiding her and giving her the confidence that she needs.

Let's just see what happens with Gary. I'm not very comfortable reaching out to men on this dating site and expressing an interest in knowing them. Once again, old school!