Sunday, April 2, 2017
3 Subjects to Never Discuss
There is always a few topics that we should never discuss with people we know personally as well as people in passing that we do not know. They consist of religion, politics, and death. All three of these topics are considered personal, private, and often consist of one's growing beliefs.
We are supposed to respect one's own choices and beliefs on these very sensitive topics. We are supposed to have an open mind when listening to another person's view and how they think and feel about these related topics. But to often our own beliefs will surface through this conversation and we feel the need to voice our thoughts and how we feel which can ultimately end up in a heated debate of how one thinks.
My mother is one person I know I can never discuss all three related topics with her. She has her feet dug into the ground and when the topic does rise she will dig her heels deeper into the soil rear her roaring head and become what so many know as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She will do what she can to diminish your thoughts often making you feel inadequate as a person.
Don't get me wrong, my mother has many great qualities, qualities that I strive for, a happiness inside her soul that beams so brightly when she enters a room. Yet too often, her thoughts and feelings on these certain subjects can and will confuse even the brightest and smartest person.
My parents are the lead parishes of their church. They are in fact, heavily involved within their small community church. Both of them together will feed the hungry, teach Sunday school, give money to the church so those funds can be used to help the needy. One evening two weeks before Christmas we all gathered to decorate her home. We were interrupted by a phone call from the pastor of their church. I couldn't help but overhear the topic at hand.
A young girl new to the small town they live in found herself to be pregnant and was completely frightened and no where to turn for help. She drove up to their church and just unloaded her fears and thoughts of how to handle her now delicate situation with the church secretary.
"Well, is she married or engaged to anyone?" my mom asked the pastor.
"Well," continued my mom, "if she's not married or engaged then she needs to abort the baby. No man is going to want her if she's hauling a baby around."
I was shocked, stunned, and dismayed that my mother was giving such horrible advice and now completely embarrassed to call her my mom at that split second, I was dumbfounded at her thinking because you see, I was an unwed mother of both Savi and Sara and now that I hear of how she felt about a perfect stranger, then how must she have felt about me, her own daughter?
I just didn't want to be there anymore. I was disgusted and growing so angry and rather quickly, everyone else in the room could tell I was very uncomfortable. My dad is one to lay things out on the table, talk about it and then move on. He challenged me to talk about my uneasiness I was now feeling and even my mom pitched in her own two-cents as well.
"Well, okay, I thought it was a sin in the eyes of a church to abort a baby I mean here you are telling your pastor to tell a perfect stranger, a stranger who is turning to you for help for guidance and you give the advice to abort her baby?"
Well, of course my dad bolted out of the room because he didn't want to be in the way of the daggers and knives that were about to be thrown. My mom was turning into this horrific monster right before my very eyes and she of course was ready for a fight.
"I mean do you even read the bible mom or do you carry it around to appear that you fit in? Tell me your favorite versus in the bible and just what it means to you?"
"First of all I do not need to or will I ever be challenged by my own daughter and secondly, you are completely out of line I will not be judged by you."
"Mom, I'm not judging I am just confused on what part of a Christian you are? Are you only a Christian in church? I mean you have no problem helping and feeding the homeless, giving clothes to the needy, but when it comes to a woman, a woman now in such a confusing frightening time and state of mind and what do you tell her, you tell her to get rid of her kid? Who does that?"
Of course our whole conversation was dealt with yelling and screams followed by spitting out the words that never should be discussed.
"So, if you feel this way, did you also feel this way when I came home pregnant with both Savi and Sara? Is that why you pushed Felix and I to get married so I wouldn't be an unwed mother?"
"Get out of my home, get out and don't ever come back, I am not going to be judged by my own daughter, I am not going to dignify this conversation, a conversation that is none of your business." my mom yelled at me with bugged out eyes and a face as red as a tomato.
"I'll leave but very careful what you wish for mother, you wish for me to never return, fine I won't, but I am not judging you as a mother I am judging you as a Christian something you know nothing about."
Death is one of the most personal and profound topics to ever be discussed. I believe it is right up there with religion and politics. When my dad's dad passed away I never once saw my mother mourn his passing. I never saw her shed a tear or question how my father felt. I was the one who was comforting and consistent with checking on my dad to ensure he was okay.
When my mom's dad and mother passed away, she was the same. As the guest of both funerals entered the small church within the cemetery, she was greeting everyone with a smile and hugging them as if she was at a BBQ. I was expecting her feel pain and sorrow for the loss of her parents. But nope, she didn't. Well, from what I saw first-hand, I never once ever saw her shed a tear.
When Sela lost one of the closest friends she ever had Chance, a young boy at school both of them very dear friends who ended his life at the tender age of twelve by suicide, I was beside myself with tears watching my youngest daughter who now lost four friends to suicide within one year.
Imagine dealing with something so horrific as a young child. I spent countless nights and days helping Sela dealing with such emotions, emotions she had no idea how to feel or think. The countless questions of why he did what he did and the reasoning behind someone's thoughts of ending their life.
Right after Chance's passing, myself along with Sara and Sela, were heading to my parents house for one of our weekend visits. I kept a close eye on Sela as she sat in the back seat staring out her window watching the world go by just numb and lifeless. One of my biggest fears was her doing the same as Chance, ending her own life. Sela had fallen into such a depression which was to be expected of course, yet, I guess I wasn't thinking it would run so deep.
Once inside my parent's house, my mom quickly could tell that something was wrong with Sela and she questioned what was wrong. Once I shared what she had just gone through losing her fourth friend to suicide as the other three Sela began dropping her tears, She began crying harder followed with shaking filled with confusion. The one thing I was expecting my mom to do was to reach out and hold her yet that she did the opposite.
"I don't understand why your so upset, I mean its not like you lost a brother or sister, he was just a friend he wasn't even family. You don't need to be this upset, I mean if he wanted to end his life so be it, that was entirely up to him right?"
So, I guess like everyone else, people deal with religion, politics and even death in their own way. Some get angry, some are confused, some are even cold as ice.
Don't even get me started on this topic...to much at hand at the present moment.