Wednesday, April 26, 2017

R.I.P.


I woke up yesterday and did my every day morning routine. Get up, make coffee, play some games on Facebook, and then get ready for work. Once I am ready, I go in and kiss my precious daughter goodbye.

I deal with an array of customers each and every day. As I place my hand on their purchases, I can hear the strong beep of my scanner I look up and smile and love to engage in conversations with them.

Yet there was this one lady, this one single lady that looked as if she was just hallow. Her eyes deeply saddened, her face motionless, there was no smile, there was no life.

I could tell that she has been crying, I could tell she is riddled with pain. Her shoulders are carrying the weight of the world and it appears if someone came up and just blew a soft whisper of wind from their lips she would fall over and crash to the floor.

I secretly gasp in horror from how this strange woman looks. I wonder how someone like me can wake up each and every day, come to work with a smile on my face, engage in conversations filled with laughter, and yet this lone woman who stands in my line seems as if life just stopped for her.

Her arms are filled with plastic white table cloths, black napkins, plastic forks along wit plastic cups which for her appear to be a thousand pounds. Her black coat drips from the never ending rain outside, her hair dark brown hair which shares space with hints of grey is disheveled, the deep black circles under her eyes are a dead give away she is suffering from pure exhaustion.

As she places her items on the conveyer belt she approaches me and then gazes at me. Her expression on her sadden face just screams, "HELP ME, HELP ME FIND MY WAY."

I cannot stand to see such a sadden woman through my line so I reach out and touch her hand giving it a tender loving squeeze and that is where she loses it. She begins to weep uncontrollably, her shoulders once hunched over are even more hunched over then ever. I quickly walk around to her and take her in my arms pulling her close to me holding her tightly.

My boss comes quickly to my aid taking over the other customers in line who of course are watching me with this woman I have no idea who she is. I do not know her name, her age, where she lives, I just know she is suffering such great pain. As I hold her she whispers something I do not understand and I desperately try to puzzle her words together to make a sentence.

The strange woman continues whispering her pain and then suddenly, it hits me. Yes, it hits me like a train going a thousand miles per hour slamming into my body head on. I gasp at her words, this could be me.

Her son, a fourteen-year-old boy committed suicide just two days ago by hanging himself in his closet. Like all parents that find their small loved child, she is no different. She went to his room to wake him for school and realized he was not in his bed. There was a sign on his closet door that read;

"I'M SORRY MOM, I COULD NO LONGER SUFFER THE PAIN, THE PAIN IS GONE"

She shares how he was bullied, how he was tormented by others since fifth grade. Now a student in high school, the tormenting got worse. The strange woman wept while talking to me telling me;

"I tried to do something about it, I tried to save him, I tried, I begged for help, but the school blamed my son."

Standing before me now is the store manager looking at me puzzled at what was happening. I looked at him with my sad eyes whispering, "her son just killed himself." Two of the best managers I have ever had, two managers who stood by me when I presented to them I could not make it to work because my daughter told me that suicide was an option for her understand strangely enough what she is going through because of me.

I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to think but I do know that anger set in, anger took over my mind and wondered when is this going to stop. When is someone going to stand by the person being bullied other than the parents?

Why didn't her son's school do something to help him? Why did they blame him? The strange lady continued to sob in my arms while she shared how her son was rejected from the football team, rejected from the basketball team, he was out casted because he was smart, he was intelligent, he was what many teens call a "NERD" he was tormented and made fun of.

Through the conversation, she told me that her son's school took the side of the football players because they were "star players" likewise with the basketball team. The school labeled her son as "defiant" yet the football players/basketball players were the one's teasing and tormenting her son.

How is this mother ever going to find her way back? How is this mother ever going to live a normal life again knowing she must bury her son. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. Children are supposed to bury their parents!

After she wept in my arms for almost twenty-minutes a man appeared in front of me taking her in his arms. He was her husband, a man who had to be strong, who had to keep his wife together yet was struggling with his own pain. Their world now completely turned upside down.

A world they wished never graced their presence. Through time, suffering, counseling, and hopefully some peace they will continue to live. We all do, we all at sometime do bury our loved ones because that's life. Someone once told me;

"We are not Benjamin Button, we are not born old and then die young, we are born young and die old"

As I fight the fight each and every day helping my daughter through her pain, through feeling rejected, how I struggle each and every day to find the words that tell her how special she is, how loved she is, how valuable she is to me, does it all matter to her?

Does it make an impact on her life? Why do parents have to remove their children from public schools to home schooling because of the bullies in their lives yet no one comes to the rescue of the one being bullied?

Would I be deemed a bully by saying, "I pray to God that these football players & basketball players along with all the others who tormented him walk in the shadow of this young man who killed himself because of them. I hope they carry his death in their hands and their minds. Do they even care that he is now gone because of them?"

This is one of the most hardest and most uncomfortable topics to ever discuss, share or mention. Many want to avoid it, many want to bury their heads in the sand hoping and praying it will go away.

I do not know this woman's name, I do not know where she lives, but I do know, her life and her husband's life and all the others who loved this boy, their lives will be altered forever!

Monday, April 24, 2017

Family Secrets

Every family has secrets. No matter who you are, what type of a lifestyle they have, we, or they, always have secrets.

I have been writing about how suicide effects each and every family from small quaint families, to large families, this is a topic that many wish to never discuss for fear, fear of what it can cause, fear of what it did to a family, and yes, even a pain so deep, so dark, from one person to many, the pain is a great divide.

Growing up in the early seventies as I did, and coming from a family like I did, appearance was everything to my mom. How we dressed to how we were presented to the world. Even our house had to have the best of the best.

For many which I understand, they fear letting the outside world know the wrong doings that goes on within a family. From alcoholism to domestic violence, and yes, even an attempt of suicide. Many families believe if the outside world knows just what happens within this seemingly perfect family, they will be judged on the ability of being a family. They will become the gossip to the neighborhood, some many even think they will be mocked or ridiculed.

I grew up with a brother that no matter what he touched, it just turned to gold. He didn't even have to try, yes, he was one of the "blessed" people that grace our earth. No matter what I did to gain the same attention my mother and father gave to him, I struggled in that department. It seemed as if I was a failure or caused many failures within this family.

My brother wanted to start his own backpacking company, he did, and well, he made a fortune off of it. He then went to a job interview for Sun Micro Computers as an office assistant and instead of that position, he landed a job traveling the global world fixing computers (with NO education within this field) for anyone associated with Sun Micro Computers making more than six figures, buying stock and watching it split and double giving him more money than one ever dreamed of.

He was trusted with the family money accounts, he was trusted with the family wills, he was trusted, and trusted and trusted. I often felt out casted and to make things worse, one Christmas my mom gave us two ornaments. He, my brother, a "white sheep" and myself, I received the "black sheep."

"Wow, is this symbolic of how my family views me mom?" She of course snubbed me and walked away. No wonder I tried every which way to gain the same love and attention my brother got.

Ordinary People

Everyone has their own perception of just what "Ordinary People" really are. The wealthy hang out with the wealthy and deem themselves as "ordinary" middle class families do the same and feel the same way, families of low-income well, I know how they feel because I am one of them.

As I sat and watched this movie last night I really understood a great deal of this movie. This movie depicts exactly what I am writing about. The husband (Donald Sutherland) a famous tax attorney, the wife (Mary Tyler-Moore), dedicated to her family, her two sons one of which she felt was her "Golden Child" and the other son, (Timothy Hutton) who always felt like an outcast. Moore's son was the perfect child. No matter what he did, he was the gifted son. His room filled with multiple trophies of every sport. His perfect grade point average which was taking him to the best of the best colleges, and then Hutton, who wanted to be acknowledged and accepted just like his brother.

Yet, Moore paid more attention to her golden child the oldest son. Hutton felt out casted by his mother who pain very little attention to him. No matter what he did, he could never get his mom to love him the same if not equal to his brother. A terrible boating accident claimed the life of her golden child ending his life. Both brothers were out in the ocean waters when they were met by a horrid storm. The boat capsized and both of them together did everything they could to hold on yet the oldest lost his grip on Hutton and drowned.

Moore drifted apart from Hutton, she felt nothing now that her golden child was gone. She never hugged him, she never told him she loved him, she disconnected from him punishing him for the death of her son which ultimately left her son to do just about anything and everything to gain the attention so richly craved yet never got.

Through all this pain and rift between the family, Hutton attempted suicide by slicing his wrist and why? To gain the attention from his mother yet to also take away his life that seemed empty, dark, and alone. Sutherland though saw what his son was trying to do, he witnessed his son begging for Moore's attention and she never gave it to him.

Sutherland made many attempts to talk about the death of Buck the golden child, yet Moore found every reason to not discuss her pain. She was embarrassed by what neighbors knew, she wanted to carry on as if nothing happened. The family became an out cast of their own neighborhood and that was Moore's biggest problem.

Appearance, the perfect family, the perfect marriage, the perfect sons, the perfect home, everything had to be perfect. Moore never opened her eyes to Hutton begging to be part of her life, she turned her back to him and never once looked back. No matter what he did, how he tried, how he begged, she deemed him unfit to be part of this family. Through therapy, Hutton was able to finally release the pain he had been searching for since his brother's death.

Sutherland finally kicked his wife to the curb and felt a sense of relief which is what I got. The problem was gone. It was never his son (Hutton) it was the wife (Moore) that disconnected from her son, the only living son of the family now, along with loving her husband, and from reality.

Too Many Kids in Today's World

Two many kids today are reaching out for acceptance from other family members. I know, I see at work, I see kids acting out when mothers pay more attention to another child then one acting out. I see the dads and moms almost angry at having a child or feeling trapped by having a kid.

If your child comes to you sharing his or her pain about being bullied do you listen or do you actually step in and do something about it? Remember, a bully doesn't have to be someone from school. It can be a family member. It can be a step-parent. It can be a brother/sister.

One of my ex-husbands was always trying to take me from my daughter. No matter how hard I tried to blend this family, he was there trying to disconnect me from my daughter telling me, "I just want us time, I want time with you to grow, get to know each other, she will always be there."

And because I wanted this marriage, I was beginning to fall for it. I was becoming weak to the person I took vows with, I promised to love, honor, and respect. I was riddled with guilt always leaving Sela behind. I wanted to be married yet, I wanted to be with my daughter also.

Finally, I kicked him to the curb and got divorced. There are countless single mother's in today's world that do the exact same thing as myself. Was I becoming a bully like my ex? Was I becoming his play toy listening to him and not seeing my daughter? YES!

No matter how many times she did what she did to fit in, to feel acknowledged, be part of my life the only life she ever knew and felt safe around, I turned my back to her and for what? How does one go about blending families when the one entering feels threatened by the existing families?

Listen to your kids when they are feeling rejected by their friends, by family, by loved ones. Do not just think it is a "phase" or "jealousy" so often a child that is so confused and do not have the words to express how they are feeling, help them through their pain. Guide them with a tender heart, please see them with your eyes, your heart, and your mind not because you think you "have too"  but because you want to, hear them, love them.

I know, trust me I know, kids can drag you down to such a dark emotional path, they lie, manipulate, steal, they are being what we were once referred as a "teenager" trust me when I saw...I KNOW! Savi attempted suicide four times. I was so wrapped up in my world, my job, my life, I never saw her pain, I never saw her reaching out to me and seeking me with such a desperation that her only way out to stop hurting was death.

I cared more of what she did and not why she did what she did. I just never saw the big picture. I can never take it back, I cannot back pedal all I can do from here on out and share my experiences and hope and pray that others read this and understand that your child may be trying to tell you something. When and if they are, stop, look, and listen. Evaluate what they are trying to tell you, always take their side, never resist, hold them, love them, hug them.

Tell them now beautiful they are. Be truthful with yourself and love your child unconditionally.

Friday, April 21, 2017

60's vs. 2017 - The Nine Steps

I grew up in a very simple town called Buena Park. Everyone knew everyone on our street and we all got along. Just about every evening after families sat down for dinner within their perfectly manicured homes and lawns, multiple parents would gather outside of the Stewart's home with their lawn chairs talking and laughing while sipping their wine.

All the kids of these families loved this time because it meant play time. The boys would play baseball or toss a football back and forth. The girls would play hopscotch or bring their dolls out to while sharing with the other little girls. 

Yep, a true Norman Rockwell moment. If there was any dispute between any of the kids such as name calling, teasing the girls, boys becoming a little rowdy, it was always referred by the parents as, "oh it's just kids being kids"

Too often if there was a fight that broke out the parents never became involved, they let the boys handle it with a good old fist fight and if the girls began to tease the other girls, the mothers never stepped in breaking up the cat like words shared between them. I often heard my parents telling other parents, "oh that boy Johnny, he's such a bully"

Growing up in the sixties as I did, life was much simpler. We often refer to life as being what many call "easy" and "simple" families made it a point to sit down and eat dinner together as a real family. They talked and shared their day between them. Dad came home from work in his suit, mom was in the kitchen making dinner, and the children were sitting around watching "Bozo the Clown."

Changing the remote on the television meant we had to get up off the couch and change the channels. Phones were on the wall never sitting beside us on the couch or easy chair. When it comes to kids, we had to invent our own fun. Kids could go outside and play until the street lights went on and even  then, my mom never once worried about us being outside let alone who we played with.

Kids during this time grew up with manners, they were polite, they were well-rounded kids who had a sense of kindness and many knew just what "empathy" was.

Now, fifty years later, we all know to well name calling, cruel taunts, cyberbullying and even physical bullying happen each and every day in our children's lives. Kids in the sixties never once ever considered "suicide" as an option for their pain yet now, kids are using this form of releasing their pain and it is just out of control.

Moving to a New Home

For myself, and only speaking for myself, there were and are so many similarities when moving to a new home. For the parents, it is supposed to a happy time. Moving means a fresh new start. Some move to get away from bad neighborhoods to what they believe are good neighborhoods.

Many of the families want to move before their kids enter high school or middle school. Parents believe that enrolling them into an elementary school is the simplest and easy way of having their child adapt to their new surroundings.

Actually, this is when the bullying begins. When a family moves their son or daughter into a new school they are removing them from their familiar surroundings, taking them from what is secure and safe in the child's mind and planting them into a situation that is actually hard. Kids already have their "clicks" and when one comes along that is new is often not accepted. They can and will be out casted leaving the child to feel vulnerable as well as resentful for the move that once was a dream of the parents.


So how can a family assist their child when they are in fact bullied?

If there was a child that bullies another some parents want to take it to the families of one tormenting their child. A father may want to confront the family of the boy calling their son names or calling their daughter names. I have witnessed father's who just don't care what their son does or who he hurts.

I have seen mothers who retaliate to the concerned mother telling her, "oh your just helicopter mother who has nothing better to do with your time."

I have heard other parents say..
  • Maybe your kid deserved it?
  • Did you think maybe it was your kid doing the bullying?
  • What's wrong with my kid, or is it maybe your kid who's being the chicken?
  • If your kid doesn't know how to fight, that's not my problem.
  • Don't bring your problems to my house, my kid didn't do anything wrong.
The Nine Steps to Take When Your Child is Bullied (www.empoweringparents.com)

Listening

1. First and foremost, listen to what your child is telling you. Become an active listener because when you do, the child will feel you have their best interest. Empowering Parents suggest you ask your child, "What can I do to be helpful?"

If your any parent like myself, you want to get in your car, drive lighting speed to the school, walk in and kick butt then take names later. Take it from me, that does NOT work. It can actually bring more pain and suffering to your child. There could be backlash from other students taunting the one being bullied such as, "Your mommy has to come fight your battles you cry baby."

When your child tells you they are in fact being bullied, listen, I know it's going to hurt, I know it is going to draw up frustration and anger, but trust me, from my own experiences, just listen. A child wants to be heard more than have action taken. Your child is coming to you to share and get advice not have someone fight their battles for them. This effect of a parent lashing out will have a negative impact on your child and your child will no longer come to you for advice or feeling safe.

The Blame Game

As you listen to your child do not make accusations of it being their fault. Trying to find fault or who is responsible for the bullying will create a distance between you and your child.

The Victim

Remember, if your child is being bullied, they are in fact a victim to it. There is nothing worse then being blamed for something that is not your child's fault. Parent's of children who do in fact bully will support their child for bullying another because they are in fact bullies themselves.

Never, and I mean NEVER blame your child because that can and will have such a mental impact on them. They can turn their fear into panic attacks such as my daughter Sela. They will fear going outside, being with friends, they can and will find every reason to stay home. They can and will disassociate themselves from even having friends. Remember, your child is the victim please treat them with respect, empathy and kindness.

Effective Communication

2. Make this about your child not how your child experiences were. Growing up in different eras and different times is one should never compare to with your child. I learned going through the police force during my training, one should never say, "I know how you feel" because even though the stories may be the exact same, exact same situation, exact same end result, you really do not have a clue how they are in fact feeling.

Just because it is your child does not give you the right to know just how your child feels when they are being bullied. Every situation is different, every child is different no matter if it is yours or not.

Retaliate

When Sela came to me and told me she was splattered all over social media from Emma and Diane, I took it to the school immediately. What the school failed to do was take action right away. Because they failed to, the bullying through social media went from a 5 to a 20 within three days. Sela feared going to school, she begged me to not send her to school.

I continued to take it to the school for an entire week. I desperately tried to find the families number of the girls doing this to my daughter and to no avail, nothing! So, I called Sela and asked her what time she went to lunch. I got in my car headed to school and stormed right through the doors. I walked up to the table and looked at both girls, Emma and Diane and with a tone of death in my voice, I told them this was going to end. I told them you never know when I am going to notify your parents, but when I do, you will know.

Well, the school came after me like a fireman running with a hose to put out the fire! But I held my ground. I told them I brought this to their attention almost two weeks ago. I told the school I talked to the counselor, I talked to the principal and both active members of the education board did NOTHNG to protect my daughter.

I showed the pictures that were take on the property of the school during the school time of my daughter with captions that read; "she's a fat slut, she needs to die, she's ugly, she's disgusting, no one wants to be her friend, she is the ultimate LOSER!" well that was when I pulled her from school and now is home schooled...that is a different topic for another day.

Against the Family

3. Never retaliate against the family of the child who is doing the bullying. Set examples for your child on how to solve a problem. I understand it is just as easy to retaliate against the family of the child who is doing the bullying, but I have learned to set example and these life lessons were really hard for me. Look, we all want to put on the white cape and become our child's hero yet if we retaliate against the family of the child that is in fact bullying your child that makes you just as much as a bully as well. That is not teaching your child anything.

Coaching

4. Empowering Parents explains how to coach your child when they are being picked on. Bullies tend to search the weak and vulnerable who will not stand up for themselves or who they can overpower. Teaching your child how to react to the bully is far more effective than reacting. Teaching your child who to take the bullying to as well as avoiding the bully is going to make your child feel empowered and gain security within themselves.

Teacher/Administrator

5. When I learned Sela was being bullied in the 4th grade, my oldest daughter and myself sat her down and taught her how to avoid the bullies. Sela is so very shy and her ability to speak up for herself was a very daunting task. But through a lot of coaching and talking she promised she would tell someone that she trusts. That is the key to success, make sure you tell your child to tell someone they trust.

When a small boy in Sela's class told her he was going to kill when she got out of school. She took everything my oldest daughter and I taught her and got up from her desk and shared what the boy said. The boy was immediately taken from the school and his parents were called. The sad thing is they blamed my daughter. They said maybe she made him say it, maybe she was the one tormenting him.

Stand by Your Child

6. Empowering Parents continues to educate on their website to take your child's side. Have your child's back! Reaffirming situations that can be taken and used against the bully gives the child a sense of security and care.

Support

7. Get support, get support from family, friends, ones that have gone through such a horrible event. Get some advice and tips on how they handled it. Engage the entire family meaning moms, dads, other children involved and talk about this as a family. This is not just a mom and child issues, when a bully attacks a child, that bully is in fact attacking the entire family and it needs to be discussed openly as a family.

Give It A Name

8. Helping kids understand what is happening to them is the first step in the right direction. By naming it as "Bullying" you are giving your child a strong sense of what is happening to them and how to deal with it. Some kids refer to it as teasing, some refer to it as being mean, but in reality, it is in fact bullying. Remember, deal with it as a family and seek out support from others.

Finally, Help Your Child Find Their Strengths

9. As I watched my daughter Sela lose her self-esteem, it was like watching the rabbit fall down the rabbit hole in "Alice in Wonderland" Seek out what your child is strong at, if they are good at art, support them in that area. If your child like mine loves animals, have them volunteer at your local animal shelter. The goal is taking a negative situation and turning it around and making an impact to raise your child's self-esteem while giving them confidence to strive for greatness!

Take these steps and learn from them. Some may work for others and some may not. Take what I have given and learn from it.

Thank you!





Thursday, April 20, 2017

Huffington Post

Every morning I get up, make my coffee, pour in my pound of sugar (or so it seems) and my delicious "Italian Sweet Creamer" I often wonder if one of those mornings I am going to go into a diabetic coma even with me not being a diabetic person.

I go to my office turn on Facebook and play some games and will continue until I decide what I want to write about on my blog. After playing my games and watching my recorded shows of "Fraiser" I finally decide on the topic I want to blog about.

Yes, I am still on the kick of "Bullying" because it is way to near and dear to my heart. I have a daughter that was so tormented due to bullying she actually felt the only way out to no longer feel this pain and non-acceptance, no matter how much I love her, no matter the relationship I have with her, is DEATH!

As a parent, we have been told by psychologist, therapist, family therapist, "you are the parent, you are not you're child's best friend, you need to be the parent, act like the parent, set limits, lead by example." 

Sadly, just about every single day we turn to newspapers or the television for our news and we often hear of another death by hanging, a gun to the head or body mutilation so severe they bleed out and die of a child due to bullying. The most absolute crazy thing is with social media on the rise, children in today's world have access to all forms of "social media" and that is where way to much is shared among other kids filled with negative thoughts, pictures, blame, shame, and yes tormented. 

Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, and all other forms of social media for kids, has become the leading cause of bullying and still, is anything ever really done by these companies to stop it? Sure the said companies can remove a profile, but don't you think they child doing the tormenting can and will create another profile just with a different name/picture?

Anyone can go to the Internet and type in "Bullying" and you will come up with scads of pages of information which is overwhelming when helping your child over come being bullied. There are so many parents and individuals who feel, "if its on the Internet it must be true."

Confronted by a fellow reader

So, the other day, I had a fellow follower of my blog reach out to my email (denineblas85@gmail.com) and this person sent me a message that said,

As informing as your blog is along with the humor of some of your post, do you have any resolutions of how to work with your child when being bullied? Some parents and teens may or can be overwhelmed by the gazillion web pages filled with information on bullying, they may be ashamed to say anything and they may be even contemplating death. If your going to post something of a negative form then you need to post a reaction of help. 

What bothered me the most and questioned my ability to parent is when Sela began to be bullied during the 4th grade was she felt she could not come to me and tell me.


Huffington Post

Huffington Post is one of the most followed and respected pieces of news that many follow. As I took to heart what was sent to me, when I saw the Huffington Post on Bullying, I quickly read and took some of their information along with my experiences and now I am sharing for others.

What Causes Your Child to Become a Bully? (www.huffingtonpost.com)

Children who bully do not have a profile for bullying. It is not as if they have a certain profile or they fit into a profile of what a bully looks like. You can have a little girl in pigtails, adorable blonde hair, a beautiful smile that just melts your heart yet under that innocence, she can in fact be a bully.

You can have a child that appears to be mean, my ex-husband never smiles, he has this constant frown on his face, he appears to be angry often giving people the idea that he is just angry at the world. Yet, when you engaged in conversation with my ex-husband, one would find out he really has a heart of gold and would give the shirt off his back for you.

So there is really is no profile or what renders what a bully looks like!

Like Parent Like Child

Every child craves to be just like their parent, some idolize their parents and wish with all their might to be just like dad or just like mom. Yet, they model what they see. If a child sees their parent drinking constantly, passing out on the couch, causing fights, being bitter and angry with whomever they come in contact with, they child will think and actually believe that is normal if they see it long enough and live with it long enough.

They will then strive for that same lifestyle because it is familiar to them that is all they know. Remember, children model what they see. Why do you think we have such an epidemic of girls wanting to be deadly thin like the girls on magazines, they view that as beauty, they view that as acceptance.

If a parent is bullying an adult, that in turn will give the child a self-belief that being a bully is okay. Remember, children will idolize their parents and if they see and believe what a parent is saying about others, that is what they believe and that in turn is how they will treat others because that is all they know!

Is the child being disrespected at home or when out in the public? Has a parent gone as far as teaching a child what respect is and if the parent has no clue on just what respect is, how will they teach their child to have such good views and values on respecting others? Is the parent bullying a neighbor, another parent? Remembered, mirrored image, a child then will go to school and bully another.

The Powerless Child

What constitutes a powerless child? I remember those phrases growing up, "A child is seen, not heard" I heard that growing up my entire life from other parents who had children. So I am guessing that when a child is speaking up on their thoughts and ideas they are then shot down. The parent doing the shooting down of their child's ideas/feelings/thoughts technically means they have no voice which then renders the child to believe their thoughts and ideas are worthless.

When a child is craving to be heard and yet they are ignored by their parents they will lash out at kids their own age seeking to gain power. Once they get that taste of just what power is, they then crave more power in abundance. They then learn to be rude, ruthless, and mean to others without a care in the world how the other child feels.

The Forgotten Child

We have all experienced it at some point in our adult lives. We can be in a room filled with hundreds of people and yet, we can feel invisible. We as adults, try to engage in other conversations, we seek out attention from others in the room and yet to no avail, we just feel as if we don't fit in which leads us to feel forgotten about.

We all need constant love, attention, and reassurance of what we are doing. I don't care how old we are or how old we get, everyone needs reassurance and when it is not given, it can make us feel insecure. Imagine a child who has no concept on what love is, what positive attention is and lacking reassurance of their everyday lives. That alone is going to make any child act out seeking what love is, what attention is and reassurance. Why do you think we have so many teen pregnancies, or gangs?

A parent needs to educate the fine art of respect and if an adult parent has no clue how to teach that child respect, that child will have a negative impact on respect for not only themselves, but for others as well.

Constant Approval

I grew up in a home filled with VERY powerful people and if I did something that was not looked upon as good or expected, it left me with such a negative impact on my life. I felt the need to seek out the constant approval of everything I did from my jobs to even making my bed to brushing my teeth.

If a child is lacking approval from their parent and this can begin at birth from the parent getting upset because the child in question is not nursing the right way or eating their food planted in front of them, learning to walk sooner then their brother or sister to potty training, if they do not have the approval of their parent, they will turn to bullying to gain approval by others giving in to them.

The Entitled Child

When a child is given to much power it becomes addicting like a drug. They are given everything they want and they don't care how they get it. Being that I work in the public sector as a cashier at the front check stands, their are rows and rows of goodies such as gum, candy, etc. Children act out screaming to get that delicious treat and to many parents give in all the time and why? Just to shut the child up or children up. They don't want to deal with the screams, it embarrasses them.

So, the child learns, "I pitch a fit, scream, yell, and hit, I get what I want. I see how this works." That is then carried into their teen years to adulthood. And, before you know it, you have a runaway child like the runaway train with no brakes.


These are just a few examples of what creates a bully. Now the questions is, if your child is displaying any of the above mentioned, OR if you the parent are teaching your child such horrid behavior, what are you as the parent going to do? Are you showing negative signs to your child? Are you being the positive role model that you can be?

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Our Daily Lives

Every single day of every single minute we do our daily routine. No matter if your single, engaged, married and with kids or a single mother such as myself.

Single people get up to the horrid buzzing sound of their alarm, make their coffee, get dressed and off they go to work. Engaged people both get up, make their coffee, battle over their bathroom space, get dressed and off they go to work.

Married people with kids, well that is a totally different story. Mom's get up before anyone in the house. She crawls out of bed already feeling the exhaustion from what her day entails. She stumbles to the kitchen stubbing her toe on the dog's toy, the kids backpacks laying around then blurting out a few cuss words under her breath, "damn kids, why don't they ever listen to me about putting their stuff away?"

She pushes the button from the already pre-made coffee from the night before and as the magical juice begins to perk, she starts to slowly wake up. Dishes from the night before are still piled up in the sink and she sighs at the task of putting away the dishes in the dishwasher and then loading the dishes.

She stumbles to the freezer scrambling around pondering on what she will make for dinner tonight. Pork Chops, that sounds good. She tosses them onto the counter then begins making all the lunches for the kids. Once the coffee is complete, she pours the seeping hot delicious java hoping that she can finally wake up.

Her kids homework is still scrambled all over the dining room table filled with pens, pencils, crayons, scratch paper, left over glasses of juice, as she begins to pick up the finished math homework and the 3D history project one of her kids must turn in. She grins at the love that she has for her kids. She can feel her blood churning and overflow she has for her family.

As she continues to sip on the hot delight of java, she makes her way upstairs and once in her sons room, a room filled with trophies of his winnings of basketball, football and soccer. Her son who sleeps has grown so much. His curly blonde hair, the one pimple that won't go away, she sighs at how the time has slipped by. She sits on the edge of the bed watching him sleep then she sighs at the unconditional love she has for her babies. She takes her hand and gently rubs his arm whispering to wake up, it's a new day and then kisses him softly on his cheek. As he stirs she then makes her way to her daughters' room.

The room is filled with butterflies and pink wallpaper with yellow daisies her daughters' favorite flower. Magazine clippings are sprawled out all over one side of the wall of fashion, make up, and accessories. Last night's laundry is still laying on the oversized chair and as she tip toes over to her daughter she sighs once again at the love she has for her youngest child.

Both of her kids are in high school and she wonders where the years went. How did they go from being the most adorable babies to now almost adult's. Where did the time go? She sits on the side of her daughters' bed and repeats once again a soft nudge along with a reminder it's a new day.

She continues to sip on the delight of the hot steamy java and as she sits on the edge of the bed she continues to look around at the countless shoes sprawled all over the floor. The desk filled with school books, pens, papers, and pompoms hanging on her daughters desk chair. Pompoms that are no longer used but a reminder of something so bad. She wishes her daughter would throw out those horrid pompoms and she has contemplated so many times taking them herself and just tossing them into the garbage. Her daughters' long red curly hair lay all over the pillow case accompanied by those soft freckles which are part of the family trademark to not only her family but to many others as well.

Yep, this mom think she has the ultimate life. A great husband who works hard, tends to the chores every single weekend, is devoted to his family and both the mom and dad are loved by their neighbors and friends. They live in a French Tudor home filled with memories of their kids, vacation pictures and stylish furniture.

So what could be wrong? How about everything! On one side of the coin, she has a son that is loved by everyone. He is popular, accepted, and everything he touches he succeeds at. He is a super natural at sports, a wiz at school, he wins awards for just about everything. Yep, everyone loves him and he is always out with his friends at either sporting events at school or just hanging with his buddies.

Then, on the other side of the coin, she has a daughter that is tormented and bullied. Yet, as she continues to sit and watch her daughter she hopes and prays silently to herself that her daughter will not face anymore bullying that goes on within the high school.

As a young child, her daughter was tormented on her body size and flaming red hair. She was always a little chunky and unpopular. When the time came for any sporting activities and teams were chosen, her daughter was always the last one to ever be picked. Sometimes fellow classmates complained if she was even on their team whining how she sucked at just about everything.

Most of the kids in school teased her and talked about her in such a negative way it would make her run to the bathroom crying, wondering what was wrong with her why no one liked her. Her mom each and every day would hold her telling her how sorry she was asking if there was anything she could do to make her daughter feel better.

From middle school to high school the bullying got worse. Sometimes her picture would be taken by the bullies and shared multiple times by the jocks, the cheerleaders, and other horrible kids and she would be mocked, teased, and no matter how hard she tried to be liked, it just wasn't going to happen. One day at school her daughter saw there was cheerleading tryouts to be held. She ran home and told her mom how badly she wanted this, how this would finally be her way of being accepted. She would become one of the most popular kids in the school.

Together her mom and her worked on the routine for weeks mastering each step. They practiced smiling and having tons of energy and when the day came for her to show off her routine, she went in with her head held high and filled with tons of confidence. As she began her routine, she quickly noticed the giggles from other girls, some were taking pictures, some were pissed and wondering why she was even trying out. But, she did her routine and when tryouts were done, she was picked to be on the cheerleading team.

Many of the girls complained about her being on the team, none of them didn't want her there and they began yelling and screaming to kick her off. Some even threatened to leave the team of she was to stay as part of their team. No one came to her rescue or fought back. No one said a single word matter of fact they just turned their heads as if nothing was happening. All she wanted was to be liked, to be accepted, to have friends, actually, she wanted to be like her brother.  

Some of the other cheerleaders walked up taking a stuck up stance firing a nasty look at her then telling her, "well, we will see just how long you last on the team, its not like you can actually do any team building experiences or being thrown in the air, your to fat."

Bullying is the Gateway to Suicide

Yesterday, I came in here and posted something pretty tragic. I posted how my daughter told me after work she contacted the suicide hotline. The lady on the other end of the phone told my daughter to get rid of any pills that can assist in her death. Pills such as Vicodin with codeine, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, and as she wrote what the lady on the other end of the phone instructed her to do, she took down notes and promised her that she would talk to me when I came home.

Here I am at work, laughing and having a good time thinking everything is great. I call my daughter on my breaks and ask how she is doing and its always the same answer, "I'm fine mom, why do you keep asking?" we always hang up with the traditional "I love you baby, I love you too mom" and I'm off and back at work.

My daughter was and has been bullied for most of her elementary school year from 4th grade to 5th grade. She was tormented on her body size, she was tormented on being shy, she was tormented on her smile. You name it, if they could torment her on anything about her or how she looked this girls were doing it.

Middle school was the clincher of all clinches. She lost four friends to suicide in one year. One girl, Eden Wormer very similar to the red-headed girl above, all she wanted to do was be accepted. All she wanted to be was be loved by her friends. Both her parents kept telling her it was "NO BIG DEAL" yet, she was crying for help and not one person ever saw it.

We do it every day, we see people, but do we REALLY SEE PEOPLE? this little girl was trying to tell her parents of the pain that she was suffering, the bullying that was going on and yet, they never listened. So, she tried to change her appearance. She changed her style of clothes, she got a new haircut, a new color, she changed her backpack, and still to no avail, the bullying continued. She lived in pain for almost two years. So, in order to stop the pain, she hung herself in the closet (2012)

Two more girls followed that Sela knew within the same year. Both hung themselves due to bullying. Yet, so many parents these days really never take it so seriously. Those are the parents that end up burying their kids.

Emma and Diane, my daughter's tormentors these are two girls that knew my daughter for five years. Both girls have been to my house for slumber parties, birthday parties, she has been to both of the girls homes for the same events. Emma and Diane along with three others girls, Sam, Iisha, & Megan, run thick as thieves for five years. Sela along the other five were the best of friends.

Once all five girls including Sela began high school, for some reason, for some unknown and unexplained reason, Emma and Diane began to torment my daughter. Emma, a girl that religiously was tossed from one house to the next each week, first her moms for a week then her dad's for a week. Emma's mom was more focused on self-tanning, make up, and her wardrobe.

Diane, her father a well-known movie producer in both Hollywood and Washington traveled with his wife extensively all over the world making movies. Sela was invited to spend the night at Diane's home and once we arrived, I was just floored at the size of the home. A mansion within Camas, Washington. Diane was living and cared for by her grandmother, a nanny, a housekeeper, but never her parents.

Emma went as far as trying to kick Sela out of their little "click" and bullying not only Sela, but Sam and all the other girls to stop being friends with my daughter. Emma made it a point to corner everyone telling them, "pick, either be friends with me, or HER, the fat ass loser Sela."

Emma even posted pictures of my daughter on social media spreading horrible rumors about her being a slut, sleeping with all kinds of boys, calling her the "C" word, basically, labeling her so badly. Of course, the other girls that ran with Sela knew the difference and when they began to stick up for her, that was when Emma and Diane struck back by dividing everyone causing such pain and sorrow between these friends of five years.

Since the death of her four friends in one year, the countless bullying that happened, the many nightmares, her self-esteem so low not even the worlds largest shovel could of picked up her self-esteem. I have spent countless times talking to Sela...

"You need to look at the source of the person causing such pain in your life. I mean you have to look at this way. Check it out, Diane has parents that are too consumed with making movies, they aren't really ever there. Emma is transported back and forth and doesn't really have a loving relationship with her mom like what we have. So, basically both of these girls want what you have...a mom that loves you."

"Sure, their mom's may love them in some sort of fashion, in some sort of twisted way, but it's not like what we have Sela. And, because we have what we have, they want the same. Take Sam for instance, she has a loving dad that is involved her life, she has a mom that will support and have her back anytime and the same with Iisha. These girls want what you three and they never will have that. So, in order to make themselves feel better, they want to bring you down to their level and they will do it at any cost."

But yet, to a teen that wants to be loved and accepted, guess what...none of that matters. I can sit with my daughter and tell her how it really is and why? Because I am an adult that can see the big picture, and still all any teen wants no matter a boy or girl is to be loved, accepted, and have friends.

And when all of the above is not happening and no one comes to their rescue, no one stands up for them or helps them, and this goes on for years, they want to stop the pain, they feel there is no way out but death.

We need to stop the vicious cycle of bullying and suicide!

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Visions

Well, here I am blogging at 2:37 am and with very little sleep. There are many things that can and will cripple a family. Divorce can and will cripple anyone especially if there are kids involved. I have spoken to so many families and kids when they are going through a divorce. Ultimately, the kids always end up feeling like it is their fault their parents are getting divorced.

There is the fighting, the screaming, the tears, the attorney's, the kids suddenly being ripped from the arms of what they deem to be a familiar lifestyle to suddenly being torn apart like the last girdle in a department store.

The kids end up in therapy with the help of a perfect stranger in a room filled with diplomas on the wall while prying to get the kids to open up about their feelings in regards to their parents divorce.

Any type of tragic event can and will disrupt a family no matter if it is a house filled with kids or a single mother such as myself. Tragic events need to be talked about yet feared to speak of. Our once strong footings can seem weak and vulnerable often leaving us fearing where we walk, step, and rest our feet on.

I blogged a few blogs ago about one topic that needs to be talked about. That subject is SUICIDE. Last night I came home from work a day that was filled with laughter for me and typically seeming like an every day event at work. I work at a company that is the largest retail company and the people that I work with are amazing. They are good people and always seem to have your back when things go wrong.

I worked from 4-8 and once I was home, I found Sela my youngest daughter upstairs in her room and when I entered she asked me to sit down that she needed to speak to me. She warned me that I will be upset, she warned me I would over react, she warned me that I may even cry.

Sela told me that she called the suicide hotline and spoke to a woman about suicide and how she wanted to kill herself. The lady on the other end of the phone told her to dispose of all the medicine that could ultimately lead to her death. Medication such as Vicodin, pain killers, muscle relaxers, anything that could and will assist in her death.

Sela began telling me how she felt empty, cold, unwanted, confused, she didn't know where she fit in, she felt as if she didn't fit in anywhere and she wanted to end her life. Imagine a mother being told by her child that he/she wanted to end their life due to confusion of their own life.

Within seconds I could feel my heart beating as if it was going to explode out of my chest, I could feel my body quivering, I could feel my mind swirling and twirling similar to a tornado destroying everything in its path. I was so confused, I was so frightened. I wanted to get up off her bed and grab her and shake her then yell and scream at her begging and pleading to knock off this crap

Ever since she found out about Chance's death she has hit rock bottom. She lost the light that would guide her down her path, she lost her footing within her path. She was now plagued with devastation and doom while trying to keep her hidden pain such a secret. A secret she thought I would never understand. Yet, it is all to familiar to me. From 2002-2006 I chased my oldest daughter Savi all over trying to save her life.

Savi entered multiple mental institutions on a 51/50 which is more commonly known as suicide threat to themselves. Savi was on Zoloft the same medication as Sela and now Sela struggles with clear mental thinking and wants off her Zoloft right now. She feels it is giving her mental anguish and unclear thoughts that are crippling her mind.

As I sit and pound out these letters that form sentences, I am confused on how to put my thoughts to words for many who are going through the same thing. I am wondering if my pain and sorrow I am currently filled with will even help a family or single mother to understand they are in fact not alone.

Suicide is one of the most horrible events that can and will cripple a family. There is guilt, there is doubt that fills our minds from the parents left behind to bury their loved ones. I have learned the hard way and I mean the HARD WAY, if I were to meet someone that also lost their loved one to suicide I can never say, "I know what your going through" because in total essence, we don't really know. Every family that is crippled by this horrible event that takes place, every suicide is different from the next. There are millions of reasons why someone ends their life. It just so happens two people lost a loved one to suicide.

Sela is in fact very much alive and living but she is just one sneeze away from ending her life and I am struggling on keeping her alive. She is just riddled with confusion and pain and so sensitive to what others say and think about her. She is tormented when someone thinks the worst of her, her pain is sharper than a brand new bladed knife.

The crazy thing is, I have helped hundreds of families walk through the storm of losing a loved one to suicide and never in a million years would I ever imagine it hitting so close to home for me. Once upon a time Sela was filled with laughter, she was filled with love in her eyes, when I looked at her I could see the love she has for me, her eyes would dance at life, she was filled with joy, now when I look at her, I no longer see my reflection in her eyes, I just see darkness and the life, love, and passion for her future once dancing about is now dead and gone.

I can counsel just about everyone and what to do, but when it comes to me, I have no clue how to help her. Once in medical school, I was told by my instructor,

"if you are working in the emergency room and your own child comes in on a stretcher, you would not be able to save his/her life due to the mental connection you have. Your emotions will be all over the map, panic sets on and clear thinking fly out the window. Yet, if someone came in on a stretcher you had no connection with, no love for, no past, you instinctively know what to do, you know the steps to saving a life, you know through training how to save a  life and you jump and you save their life."

Last night I went to bed and as I closed my eyes my mind went into overdrive with horrible visions. I had visions of Sela hanging herself in her closet. My imagination lead me to thoughts of how she took her belt and strapping it around her pole that holds the hangers for her clothes then making a noose and then putting her head in and then letting her feet dangle while she slowly dies. In the morning I walk in to get her up and find her hanging in her closet dead.

How do I help her, how do I get her out of this funk of depression? How do I help her find her way? How and what can I do to show her that her life has meaning, she is the most vital person in my life? Will the words I choose to say to her give her the security and clarity that she needs? Will the importance of how and what she means to me, will it make a difference?

How do I clear the fog so that she can see what I see when I look at her? How do I bring light to her now darkened path of life? How do I get her to understand that she is a true beauty in her own right, that she fills a room with passion and love just by walking into it.?

For families that wish to not speak about suicide and how it affects you and your family, please talk about it. Please seek help, please do not close the conversation between a child and its parents. Be there for their support and help them walk through the storm. Take them by their hand and tell them you will be there every step of the way to help the get through this.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Simple Facts







As a little girl, my mon was always the one to ultimately give me advice when I showed an interest in a guy. I think it was more of a reality shock for my mom that her little girl was growing up but, now years later and much wiser, I wish I would have listened to my mom.

Now I know that when it comes to dating, somethings have changed but not all of them. When it comes to my daughter Sara, well she was and is still the one being the "chasee" she doesn't let the man be the "chaseor"

My mom always told me..
  • Men like a challenge
  • Don't give in so easily
  • Make them work for you
  • For God's sake, DO NOT chase them
  • Don't be a tease, that makes you look easy
Still as I post this, I can hear my mom's words ringing in my ears, "by chasing a guy, you appear easy, readily available for sex, it's like your heat or something." It seemed overwhelming when it came dating as a young girl and if I would have listened to my mom, then possibly, just possibly, I wouldn't have gone through so many divorces!

The Sharing of Gary

Saturday night we talked about so many things. He talked about his recovery with drugs and alcohol and how he has been sober for 19 years now, his job, his ex-wives, his kids, his mom's death, and how Christmas never the same after her death. Gary's mom every Christmas got up at before the sun began to shine and she started on her traditional homemade cinnamon rolls.

Later in the morning all the family would come together and sit around enjoying the delicious wonderful cinnamon rolls along with fresh coffee and juice. Someone would play Santa Claus which was always Gary and each person would open a gift and all would watch with squeal's of delight. Later in the day his mom would make her wonderful delicious prime rib dinner followed with homemade mashed potatoes and all the other fixins that went with a traditional Christmas dinner.

Now since his mom's death, the family just pretty much dispersed and stopped getting together for the holidays. There was no more Thanksgiving, there was no more birthday dinners, and Christmas was now completely over.

While he sat and shared all his pain and sorrow and how he now hated Christmas and birthdays or Thanksgiving, I just sat and listened. I never interrupted, I never gave my thoughts on the matter because this was his story, this was his pain he was sharing. So, me trying to be understanding to most of his pain and some parts of me felt like it was the saddest form of living, I asked him, "so if we got together, would you be so willing to enjoy Christmas with my family, would you want to come over and open gifts and be part of a warm loving family?"

And Gary's response just shocked me.

"Nope, I hate Christmas now, I hate the idea of having to go out and shop for gifts. I hate the idea now of sitting around a living room with a roaring fire and people laughing and giggling in delight of their gifts and the gifts that they gave. Christmas has become so commercialized, why would you want to participate on such a joke now?"   

I tried to entice him with the beauty of Christmas and being with a family and enjoying the company of people that you love and enjoy spending your time with. NOPE! he wasn't going to have anything to do with it ever again. (STRIKE ONE! & RED FLAG WARNING)

I also did some sharing of my own. I informed him of Sela's OCD and how it plagued her with certain ways of how she does things. Sela's routine is mandatory to her and being able to do her daily routine each day and each way, well if you know any one with OCD and you try to force someone with such an issue to change or alter the way they do things it can be not only detrimental to them it can be crippling for them as well.

I told Gary because of what my daughter has, doctors wanted to test me. They wanted to see if her OCD comes from me. So, they tested me, Gary was very much into my conversation, he was wanting to learn so much about me. I told him once the test was over and I had the results, I was 5% OCD and 95% observant. The doctors that gave the test thought something went wrong during the testing phase and had me retake the test. Once the results were in again the results had changed. I was 3% OCD and 97% observant. Seven out of eight doctors were shocked I could be that observant.

I told Gary I was so observant that I knew and saw what was coming down the pike when it related to our feelings for each other. I was extremely observant towards every single word he shared, what he shared, how he shared it. That alone I think bothered him so much. So with his story related to Christmas and his pain and my input on how I saw his pain, what I thought, and my feelings on this matter I think it put him in an uncompromising feeling that he was not in control.

Certain Topics Need Not Be Discussed!

There are two things I believe we should never talk about when it comes to dating and getting to know someone. The first is politics and the second is religion. But somehow we got on the topic of politics and I tried to alter the conversation but Gary was head on gang busters wanting to talk about Donald Trump and what he is doing and what he is not doing. I believed he pulled out his soap box and jumped on and began brow beating me about my own beliefs and how I felt about that specific topic. (STRIKE TWO! & RED FLAG WARNING)

Gary and I often talked about wanting to be together and how to make this work being that we lived two hours away. We talked about him staying at a hotel/motel because I was not going to let him stay here. He quickly agreed and while we enjoyed our conversation we both felt it was fitting to talk about how great things were going. We both "got each other" on similar subjects, we both understood how our thinking and ideas were when it came to loyalty, love, and commitment.

I admit though, I am very rough around the edges when it comes to dating and letting a man into my world. Hell, I have been alone now for almost five years so letting a man into my world, my space, and my time was somewhat challenging for me. I have become accustomed to my space, my time, coming and going when I want, not having to answer to anyone. But at the same time I wanted a relationship, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be wanted so trying to find that happy medium was so hard for me.

Did I become selfish with my time, oh hell yeah, I was that hermit crab I shared about earlier in one of my post. I was fighting a battle within my own head of wanting to be with someone yet I struggled with so much. Then it happened, for some stupid reason I blurted out to Gary Saturday night how I shared his picture with all the girls at work and how I just knew we would end up together, I just knew that we would. Because I told him that, he freaked out which sent me very confusing messages.

Gary's verbal messages he was sending me was...
  • We are going to make a great couple
  • We are going to make this work
  • We are going to have a wonderful relationship
  • This is going to be the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time
  • I love sharing with you, talking to you, opening up to you, I want more
  • I want to hold you and love you
  • I could tell he fell in love super easily and I knew he was having those feelings for me. When I brought it to his attention that I "knew" he was, it bothered him.
Than Gary blurted out, "how are we not going to have sex the first time we meet? We have such a strong connection on the phone, are we just going to rip off our clothes and make mad passionate love to each other?"

My body is far from resembling Barbie. It is not rock hard, things sag and droop and after three C-sections, well certain parts of my stomach are not the most appealing to look at. I am very self-conscious about this and it worries me to death what a man will think of me naked next to him. This has been one of my greatest fears when alone and naked with a man.

I know that every single man and woman has fears of their bodies and how they appear naked. Men worry about the size of their penius while attempting to pleasure a woman and women fear how their bodies look. I am almost fifty-six years old and well, lets face it, three kids later my breast are far from perky and beautiful. Yep, if I had the $45,000 dollars I would go in and get the butt suction, the breast implants, the tummy tuck and a few things a little tighter.

One guy told me, "we men get to a certain point during foreplay, we don't care what a woman's body looks like, we just want to shove it in." so are my fears justifiable, is it shallow, possibly, is it ridiculous to feel this way, maybe, I just have feared for many years now that my body is not the most desired thing. I have joined a gym, I have worked out, I have done the stomach crunches and to no avail, it stays the same. 

Easter Morning

So, on Saturday night after finally hanging up with Gary around close to one in the morning, for some godly reason I woke up at five in the morning. I tried to go back to sleep, I

I was never the one to chase Gary, I was never the one to send the first text message in the morning unless he asked me, "when you wake up in the morning text me so I know your awake." I felt that was a reasonable request. I made so many mistakes in the past with so many men I decided I was finally going to take my mom's advice. A little late? yeah!

He texted me back Happy Easter and chatted for a little bit and once I told him I had to get ready to go to my mom and dad's house, I texted to him, "call me later tonight?" he quickly texted me back, "you know it baby."

Getting the Boot!

My parents live in a very remote area surrounded by mountains and the tallest of pine trees. It is just stunning and beautiful. All of us my two daughters and myself were enjoying my parents all laughing and chatting and drinking wine.

I thought I heard my phone ding and when I looked at it, this is what I got from Gary.

Hi Baby,
I have given this much thought last night and I feel we are not compatible at all. Your over powering thoughts and feelings about us how you are so SURE we would end up together really bothered me. Especially how you just KNOW we would end up together. I need time to think about things and I wanted to wish you the best, good luck in your search when it comes to finding someone.

Something I wasn't expecting, but oh well. I quickly deleted his name, the pictures he sent me of his home, his backyard, him playing golf, the pictures of hearts and two people in love, the pictures of lips and wanting to kiss me, the cartoon of flowers he sent me telling me I am just as beautiful as the flowers, the loving words, everything GONE!

Moving On!

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Dating + 16 Year Old = HOT MESS

Being a mother is and can be the most relentless title ever. We hold many hats and we make many decisions. Being a single mother in the dating world well, there is and always will be guilt that goes with going out on a date and leaving your one child home alone. Your plagued with wondering if they are okay, your wondering just what your child is thinking let alone are they getting into any kind of trouble while home alone. 

For myself, I have managed to become intertwined in my daughter Sela's life which we should be. But there is a healthy intertwined life with your child then there is not so healthy. My mom constantly told me that I am forgetting about myself and my own needs and she really hopes I find someone before she dies so that I marry and I am not alone.

For starters, my typical day as a single mother went something like this.

  • Get Sela up for school
  • Tell Sela to wake up once more
  • Yell at Sela to wake up again
  • Make threats of what I am going to do to her if she does not get out of that bed and ready for school
  • Make a cup of coffee
  • Make Sela's lunch
  • Drive Sela to school
  • Come home do laundry
  • Tend to the bills
  • Clean house
  • Go get Sela at school
  • Help with homework
  • Start dinner
  • Fold laundry from earlier that morning
  • Forget to take wet clothes out of washing machine where they then turn a stinky smell then wash once more
  • Watch all recorded shows during the evening
  • Go to bed
  • And somewhere between all that, WORK!
Do that five days out of the week, well, then your craving for the weekends to do just nothing. Before you know it, weeks have passed, months have rolled by, then suddenly, it becomes years of being so involved in your child's life, and some how we forget about OUR needs and trying to even have a life.

Dating is something of the past and why? Well, we fall into this every day pattern that sinks us single mothers into what I call a depression. Our world today is filled with not so good men and I myself have feared making the same bad choices (because we all do it, we all make choices that are not so good) and involving a man that could potentially hurt your child.

I have sized up so many men wondering if they would in fact make a good mate for myself and be around my daughter. Where I live, it is just slim pickin's the men in this moth eaten town are either getting out of jail, going to jail, getting out of rehab or going to rehab. We constantly hear on the news how the "stepfather" did this, how the "stepfather" did that. So, we single mother's, tend to keep men at bay for fear of involving someone that could potentially hurt our babies.

I am guilty of that. I am very guilty of protecting my daughter to the point I forget about my life. I put my life on the back burner and some may say, "well, you made the choice of being a mom, so that is what you need to do. You need to put your needs on the back burner and tend to your child's need more than your own."

But there is always one or two single mother's we meet who has landed the "great guy" who is actually great to the kids, loves being with her and then takes the single mother label away and changing it to the Mr. & Mrs. label. As we stand before the newly married Mrs. we wonder why that can't happen to us, why can't we find the great guy, the guy that the kids love, the guy that is involved, the guy that takes the mystery out of wondering when a super great guy is going to come along.

April 15, 2017

So I just got of work and on the way home I called Gary. We were talking and chatting away about our day and as I arrived home, I found Sela sleeping up in her room. I took advantage of this time to continue talking to Gary and well, having good time talking to him.

Twenty or so minutes into the conversation, Sela made her way downstairs and gives me such a look that if she could, she would of thrown fire burning darts to my head followed by a burst of bullets shot all at once.

Our conversation went something like this...

"Get off the phone now, hang up, I want you off the phone so we can watch our recorded shows."
Sela just kept pacing all around the room shooting nasty looks at me, glaring at me with such hatred in her eyes.

Gary had to hang up he had to be somewhere and I was more than glad to hang up from well first from embarrassment and second from anger. Here I am a fifty six year old single mother having an enjoyable conversation with Gary and she comes downstairs barking her demands? I have been alone now for the most part five years. No dating, no talking to one man, no flirting, absolutely NOTHING!

"What is wrong with you, why are you so angry?" I asked her.

"Let's get one thing straight, you are going to fast, I sat on the top of the stairs and listened to your entire conversation and your doing it again, your moving to fast. You promised me you wouldn't and here you are again moving to fast."

"So, while you were sitting up on the top of the stairs listening to me which by the way is rude, did you even know what we were talking about or did you hear a one ended conversation not even knowing actually what was being said?"

"I will not call him my father, I will not call him my stepfather, I already have a dad and actually, Gary can never fill the shoes of my dad. I will call him Gary and that is all I am going to call him got it? understand?"

And Sela continued to lay down the laws of how I am going to have my life be played out. I am not allowed to talk to him while she is awake, I am not allowed to have him come within six miles of this house. I am ONLY allowed to date him when she says its okay.

Sela blurted out that I am more focused on him then her, I am desperate for any man's attention. I am this and I am that and I am becoming a pain in her ass and then she threw out a few "F" bombs and then proceeded to tell me that either I can go upstairs and be alone or she can.

I just lost it, I told her she does not decide for me what I do, she is not going to lay down the laws and have me obey them. I told her I pay the bills, I make sure she is cared for, I have been alone for a very long time and I have made her the center of my life and world and well, now I want to change it up and date someone.

Then the root to the real problem comes up...

"I don't want to lose you, I don't want you to run away and leave me!"

"Why in the hell would I run away? What makes you think I would run away?"

"Because he is five minutes from the Canadian border, your going to go to Canada and never come back and I am going to be alone." Might I remind you all that she is almost 17 years old...I am getting the rules and the laws laid out by a 17 year old person?

I pulled out the state map of Washington and showed her, "he lives HERE, two hours from us, Canada is HERE, and from his house to Canada, it is a five hour drive."

So, she is scared I am going to take off and be alone with him and forget about her...that is just silly. So the million dollar question is this....

How does a single mother introduce dating and still be a mother?

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Exposure - Dating



While strolling down the beaches of Washington State, I came across a hermit crab. His shell was mixed with hues of vibrant orange, white and with a hint of rustic color. Every step I made toward him he would scatter away then freeze crawling into his shell for self-protection. As I gathered up the courage to pick him up to glance at this small animal seeking protection, I noticed the more I tried to see this hermit crab the more he would dig himself into his protective shell he called home.

I have managed to protect myself from the outside dating world similar to the hermit crab for the past almost five years now. Oh sure, I wanted to be in a relationship but since I seemed to have this broken picker, the men of my choices were often looked upon as, "What are you thinking being with this two time loser?"

So, in order to no longer hear such negative terms of endearment, I just stayed single. I created this hard like shell similar to the hermit crab not allowing anyone to get near me or even want to ask me out on a date. I began to feel safe within my shell and it felt good to be alone. For many, being alone gives one the time to reinvent themselves, to ponder on self-improvement, self-awareness, and growth.

I believe that spending time alone to learn who you are, what makes you, you, and the most vital of all learning is learning to love yourself. We should learn what our weaknesses are and just how to improve upon them. We need to set goals for ourselves and I mean, realistic goals, not goals that are  untouchable, but goals that gain us strength and direction.

It's crazy, here I am one that can't seem to stay married let alone find a man that wants to be with me and here I am giving advice about love and relationships. If that is not an oxymoron I don't know what is!

Two Side to Me

There are two sides to me, one side wants to be loved, wants to grow old with someone, wants to share in the joy and happiness of being with someone, then the other side of me, is so frightened and so insecure I am going to make the same mistakes. Since I have been alone all this time I have been able to dedicate 110% of my time to my youngest daughter who now has her panties in a bunch that I am interested in someone. Did I mention that she is almost seventeen?

Okay, I get it, just about 99.99% of the teens her age can't stand their mothers, they don't want to be seen with them, they don't want do anything with them. Most seventeen year old girls crave to seek out independence and venture away from the nest. Not mine, she is Velcro to my hip!

I know, I know, I get it, I should be thankful I have a daughter that wants to be with me, be seen with me, include me in her everyday life, depend on me, and be her best friend. But on the flip side of that, there is VELCRO to the hip then there is VELCRO to the hip! My daughter is VELCRO to my hip and often I feel confined and trapped.

I am the crab that wants to venture out of her shell yet I fear exposing myself to a man. Being vulnerable is not an easy task for me and allowing a man into my protected shell like world such as the hermit crab, is such a daunting task. I often just throw my arms up and walk away because that is so much easier for myself then allowing a man to see me for me.

Gary!

I have learned through my COUNTLESS failure of romance, multiple divorces, when two couples meet, they are on their best behavior, both the men and women want to dress to impress. They talk about the right things, the men open doors, they are gallant, charming, and we women, are classy, our makeup is perfection, our hair precisely styled, the grey is gone, so basically in a nut shell, we get this perfection of a person.

As time wears on and couples become more comfortable with each other, they tend to let a few things slip to the wayside. The men don't open the doors as frequently as they did during the courting, the women tend to let the lipstick fade, we wind up in sweats instead of those designer jeans, and before you know it, your both farting in front of each other.

Two Minds Think Alike

As I continue my conversations with Gary, I am learning how in sync we are with our thoughts on love and relationships, the standards we have and must live with. It's almost unreal how our fears are almost the same yet we crave to be so much in love.

Our conversations are real, they are genuine and Gary understands my fears as well as how hard being vulnerable actually is for me. That entails me coming out of my hermit crab shell allowing him to see me for me.

What if he doesn't like what he sees once we meet? What if I am to rough around the edges, what if the illusion he has in his mind of what I am like in person does not measure up to what he thinks I am, does the in sync of our thoughts just go to the way side?

I will say however, Gary has completely removed himself from PoF dating website, he deleted his account and I have done the same. Have you ever been so in sync with someone that is frightening?

I am just freaking out right now thinking of how much I want this, how he makes me feel when I'm talking to him. Gary makes me feel I can talk to him about anything and with no judgment on his part at all. He promised to make me feel safe, he promised me he would do what he could to prove how he is a real man 24/7 and it would never stop.

Is he actually the last of the real men around town making me feel like I caught me a great guy?
Time will tell! But for what I have heard, he sounds pretty amazing.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Dating 101-1

I have often felt that dating is more like a job interview when meeting your possible employer/first date. There are so many similarities its just crazy.


When you land the interview is basically goes as such:
  • Tell me about yourself
  • What makes you stand out from others?
  • How would you describe yourself?
  • Why should I hire you?
  • What are your other talents?
  • How do you handle a bad situation and turn it around to a positive one?
  • How many jobs have you really had?
  • Where do you see yourself five years from now and why?
  • Self-Image (you go out and buy the best suit that money can buy, so broken down...dress to impress)

First Date:
  • Tell me about yourself (what makes him/her stand out from the hundreds of other coffee shop meetings)
  • Describe yourself, your likes and dislikes (this is where they want to ponder on the idea if they can even live with you let alone date you)
  • Do you like to cook (so just what are his/her talents?)
  • Why would I date him/her?
  • Is he/she the jealous type (they still want to play the field just in case something else better comes along so broken down...they are never happy with what they have)
  • Self Image (runs out and buys the best perfume/cologne that money can buy, the best clothes, so broken down...dress to impress)

Just how old is that picture?

Okay, we have all done it at one point or another. We are sitting on our computers filling out all the required information which I find absolutely worthless because let's face it, talking about ourselves in the third person when filling out a dating website profile, how many times have we made ourselves sound like a rock star?

Here is a great example!

Okay, so some time ago I was checking my email and there it was. It said I had an email from someone named "Man at Sea" sure that name caught my attention. The first thing I am thinking is, "cool he has a boat." So, I got into the dating website, click my email to read what he has said and there he was this absolute tall blonde gorgeous man! He is sitting on his bunk within a ship. There are pictures of him fishing (so he is adventurous, he likes the great outdoors) one of him waterskiing, then hiking.

Well, like my mom says, if it sounds to good to be true 9/10 it is. But, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt (first mistake) so I contacted him back. We had a great connection. We texted first (that is an easy out if you don't like what he/she is saying. You can block them then) the texting lead to exchanging numbers and then we talked on the phone.

We set up a time to meet at Starbucks a few days later. I was excited, he seemed to have his life together and he made some great choices (or so it seemed) so on the day of the meeting I hop in my car and sit in the parking lot waiting for him. I did park a specific way to make a quick exit if I need too.

As I am watching all the cars coming and going I suddenly see his car and OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!! It took him forever to get out of his car and when he finally opened the door there was one leg and he seemed to be struggling to get something from the backseat. I watched and wondered what he was doing. Then it happened!

As he pulled his second leg out of his car he then DRAGS HIS WALKER OUT. HE HAS A FRIGGEN WALKER something a handicap person would use! Yeah, he is tall, he is also bald, pudgy and he appears to have gone through the spin cycle of his washing machine. I was just FLOORED! I actually turned on my car to make my quick getaway and then something stopped me. My inner voice told me, "stop being so damn judgmental and give him a chance." I turn my car off and go inside against my better judgment.

Once I was inside I can see his face better. He has very dark circles under his eyes, he appears to be much older than his picture. He is shaking uncontrollably, as he struggles to sit down I scramble to get his seat assisting him or more like guiding him to sit down. He is wearing a white workout suit that seems brand new.

And what does he pull out from the inside of his jacket...a FRIGGEN PILL BOX that is labeled Monday - Friday. His hand is horribly shaking as he reaches for his pills which I would guess was about nine pills he had to take. He asks me to get him a cup of water and when I walked away to fetch his water this was the last place I wanted to be at.

As I sit down (another bad choice) he then looks and gives me a quick chuckle, "I guess I'm not exactly the same as my picture. You see, I had two strokes when I was thirty two (which one stroke ages you at least nine years and he had TWO of them). So, instead of him looking his age at forty two, he looked to be sixty two.

Then my mouth opened up, "hell where is the guy in the pictures, the guy that is tall and handsome, what happened to him? Wait, are you his dad testing the waters for his son?"

Nope, it was him. He told me that the pictures were fifteen years old. GREAT! I get stuck with Grandpa Moses!

Now Gary...my most recent catch on Plenty of Fish!

I have learned there are three relationships in this online dating.

Relationship One:
The texting relationship, where you both text and have an amazing relationship (well hell, of course you do, you can text anything and everything you want to appear exciting and appealing) A texting relationship is exciting and safe. You think you're getting to know the person through a text message..OH PLEASE!

The phone relationship, that is where you talk to get to know each other. You have yet to meet and it seems you have this great connection on the phone. He/she actually gets you, they actually understand your concerns, fears, and what else plagues you when getting to know someone else.

Then there is the REAL DEAL, the face to face. So you started out in a texting relationship then move onto the phone relationship, then you graduate to the REAL DEAL. That is when you get to know and see the real deal. You will know within seconds (okay minutes) if this person is the same exact person who got you, understood you through a text message, then a phone call, who told you how both of you are in the same exact sync of thoughts, ideas, and feelings.

Well, I am at the texting relationship and sure he sounds to good to be true. I learned he is a licensed clinical therapist at the local jails trying to rehab some of the worst criminals known to society. He drives a Porsche sports car, his parents have both passed away, he is love with his sons, he is a hopeless romantic, his last date was in 2007 (DUMMM, DA, DA, DUM) but hey, I haven't dated since Steve but I've been busy raising my two daughters. He works 57 hours a week and has been for some time but he claims that will let up May 1st.

He works Monday - Thursday from 7-5 and he loves what he does. He seems to know what he wants and now he wants to as he says, "get the show on the road and come meet me" did I mention he lives two hours away? Now Sela my daughter of course is bitten and twice shy when it comes to me meeting men and why? BECAUSE I HAVE A BROKEN PICKER!

I did lay down the rules and told him, "you cannot come over here to my house for at least two months, there is no sharing of my daughter's pictures, and if you want to drive down and see me for the weekend, you must stay at a hotel." Something he totally agreed with! I have to admit we do have fun texting and getting to know each other but what you text and what you see and get are two very different things.

So, let's see how this face to face will go next weekend!