Monday, March 6, 2017

What are you searching for?

I would say that some if not most people are faced with the dilemma of searching for something that they feel is missing from their life. I have questioned many people every day simple questions regarding family, friends, and loved ones but then I hit them with..

1. When planning your life, did it end up the way you anticipated it to be?
2. Are you in a better place or do you think you deserve more?
3. Are you in a happy place or do you feel something is missing in your life?

When I always ask those three questions I am always faced with major concerned looks and often they ponder on the question if in fact their lives are exactly where they thought it would be. One man simply told me he was exactly where he thought he would end up. He graduated college, found the love of his life, had a high executive job, was making TONS of money, and yet, as I watched him get into his car a beaten down Ford Taurus that was literally duck tapped in multiple places, I wondered if he was speaking of dream of what he really wanted.

I know for myself, if someone would of told me that my life would end up the way it is now when I was much younger, I never would of ever believed them. Wouldn't it be nice to have a crystal ball that we could look into the future of what our life would be like so that one could prepare for it? If someone would of told me that I would end up a single mother of three girls, five divorces, living on pennies each month, food stamps, and state health care, I would never believe them.

You see, I am the hopeless romantic and I believe I always will be. I am the one that believes in marriage still even after five divorces, I still believe at my age (almost 56) that there is some man out there for me. Oh sure, he will need to peel my onion gently with love an patience as he makes his way to my center. Now after living alone for countless years, I have developed a very hard core to my onion resulting in an independence that is often most crippling for any man to get close to me.

Maybe....Someday

The Night with Harry

That night with Harry sitting at the dining room table and he wanting to talk about why I ruined his night I sat listening to the total silence in the house. It was after midnight and not a sound in the house. With Savi gone now and living in Maine Sela now traded my office for her own bedroom. It seemed so foreign to me to have only two daughters in the house now.

And to be perfectly honest, I was more than glad, no, I was relieved to have all the drama of Savi gone. There was no longer the tension in the room when both of us were together. Dio had managed to come visit a couple of times after she left asking how she was and if she was okay.

I could see the broken heart through his eyes and how much he missed her. After Christmas and a new year starting, Savi and Dio had a horrible break up it was just one fight after the next. Savi was so guarded from anyone or anything getting close to her.

I even questioned myself if I even loved any longer. They say a mother's love shall never die but mine for Savi suffered so greatly it was as if I was struggling to breath, struggling to live, I was being tortured by her and yet, I learned so much from her which of course I was now using against Harry.

Did I feel bad torturing Harry, not really, it almost felt good to have the upper hand to cause this man pain, to put this man in his place. I almost wanted to believe that I was doing this for all the women in the world that suffered from a cheating spouse.

Harry just continued to sit and sip his tea when I finally asked him why he wanted me to stay with him at the kitchen table. He never really answered me. I could however sense the guilt that he was having, I could tell he was so troubled for loving me and Goldie at the same time. Hell, why not, as I posted earlier, what he wasn't getting from me, he would get from Goldie and vice versa. So, I finally spoke. I had redemption in my heart and, I was going to use it.

"So Harry, I have now pulled the welcome mat out from both doors that you often enter into. I am no longer going to be your welcome mat. For what its worth, I'm not even sure I want this marriage anymore."

Harry still never said a word he would just sit and sip and often gaze at me and when I told him that its not like I was expecting him to drop to the ground and beg for forgiveness or expected him to unload his cheating heart and how long he had actually been with her, it was how I felt.

I had finally come to the realization that with Savi gone and my life much simpler now, I was free from the negativity of everything and I wanted to dump the thousand-pound weight of Harry off my back. I still never told my parents what Harry was doing by cheating on me, they just continued to believe I had found this awesome man, this man that they were just over the top excited I found a great guy. With all the drama going on with Savi and the countless arrest, the drugs, the alcohol abuse, the adoption, I wasn't about to pull the rug out from their feet.

I remember Harry finally looking at me and then sharing about his family. Why his family, I had no idea where he was even going with this.

"My brother cheated on his wife three times and yet they still managed to work things out and she gave him chance after chance and finally he realized what he wanted all along, it was his wife. My mom cheated on my dad four times and then he finally left but later they got back together and then remarried and now they have been happily married. It seems that cheating just runs in my family. My other two brothers cheated on their wives, cousins cheating on each other, my son cheating on his wife, yet the only one, the one that never did ever cheat on anyone was my daughter."

I sat stunned at his statement, what he was sharing, I was just dumbfounded how much his family was really messed up. Hell, I thought my life was a mess but that explains a lot. It told me why Harry was more than willing to be with me and living the life I did with Savi was just a walk in the park for Harry.

I still sat there not sure what to say I am sure I had a confused look on my face and I was trying to play it cool but I just couldn't let it go.

"And what does your family have to do with us, are you trying to find excuses for why you do what you do? I'm confused are you confessing or sharing?

Harry just threw his head back than let out a huge sigh, "My goodness my love..." I stopped him right there dead in his tracks.

"You have no right to call me your "love" because a man who really loves his wife would never do what you did so please reframe from calling me "your love." My heart was sinking so fast for feeling any empathy for him. As a matter of fact, I growing more angrier by the second. Him calling me "his love" just made me want to puke.

"Harry if your heart is so torn and so broken and confused about your future with Goldie prior to being with me, wait, hold on, was I deciding factor of you cheating? You and you alone have put me in the position I swore to myself, my family, and my friends I would never be, "the other woman" yet, I still kick myself each and every day that you're not here. What, you think I don't know where you are or what you're doing? I know your screwing her, I may be younger than you but that doesn't make me stupid." I told him now shouting so loudly I could have woken not only my girls but my neighbors as well.

I got up leaving the kitchen table then storming off to the bedroom that we shared, that we talked about intimate things, did intimate things to each other, I allowed this man to have every inch of my body and try things I have never done sexually. I opened myself up and made myself vulnerable to him thinking and praying it would make him love me more. Once in the bedroom I slammed the door shut so hard it rattled all the windows in the house.

I heard chairs shuffling in the kitchen than footsteps pounding the floor. The bedroom door swung open with Harry yelling, "I'm not done talking to you yet." 

"I'm trying to share to you how I feel and you go spouting off your anger. Just listen to me." Harry shouted to me.

"No Harry, I'm tired and to be quite frank, I'm exhausted, why not just go back to "HER" I mean she is stupid enough to take you back, I was too, but you know what, my eyes are open now and I refuse to turn to my back on your weakness and just "accept it" any longer. Go do what you do best, break hearts, lie, cheat, and steal, no, rob women of their hearts for loving you."

"Wow, you really know how to be a bitch don't you?" Harry just began to get undressed and then climb into bed. I was kind of shocked he wanted to stay. So, I just climbed into bed also but I made sure to tell him to not touch me, and then I reminded him, "don't forget to put your phone on silent, turn it off or turn it over so I can't see Goldie calling you. I mean you have been doing it for so long now I just wanted to give you a quick reminder."

The Knock at the Door

I was woken to the sound of the hand knocking in the bedroom door. It was Sara and she was telling us that someone woman was at the front door demanding to talk to Harry. I knew who it was, it was Goldie. Harry climbed out of bed and I watched him shocked and very nervous that Goldie had shown up at my house. What pissed me off was how she found me, did he intentionally do this so that she could find him? Was this a set up for me?

Sara just kept asking who she was and why Harry was outside fighting with this woman. Sara had no idea what Harry was up to. I tried really hard to keep it from her but sometimes I always wondered if she just figured it out and never said a word to me or if she really didn't know. You see I never really saw Goldie or what she even looked like. Both of their voices were raising and I just continued to watch from the living room window. I was soon noticing many who walked by stopped to watch the fight and some even from the windows of their home.

I finally had enough, I was done. Sara was confused, Felix was on his way over for Sela, and I was just becoming embarrassed. Raiza got wind of the fight and of course she came flying over from across the street coming in the back door asking me if I was okay.

Goldie was this short oversized wrinkled woman that had boobs that hung down to her waist. She had this unruly fake blonde hair that was just a mess, her makeup was plastered on so thick one could scrap it off with a putty knife. If her pants were any tighter she would begin busting through them if she took one more step. She was hopelessly unattractive and I wondered what Harry saw in her or if she just gave good blowjobs.

I finally had enough of both of them yelling. I stormed outside and when I finally confronted her I let into her.

"You have no right to be at my home with husband." Right when I said that it was as if Goldie was just gasping for air. Her face turned pale white, she just stood there her mouth hung open, her eyes beginning to fill with tears and then dropping running down her face.

She turned to mem than to Harry than back to me, "your, your, married, you got married? What the hell, when did you do that asshole, when did you marry this slut, this woman who broke up our relationship?" Boy the piss and vinegar that was overflowing in my body, my bladed tongue came to life.

"Must not of been a very good relationship bitch, because he married ME! which looking at you," I snickered staring at her sizing her up, "your fucking road kill, your a beaten down old bitch, why would he want you when he can have THIS!"

Harry began yelling at me than back at Goldie than back at me. He was trying to gain control of the situation but I was so far gone with anger and to be honest, I didn't care what it did to her. I was on a mission, a mission to torture Harry.