Saturday, March 11, 2017

Taking Control

There comes a time in every one's life when they have just had enough. It's not a feeling of being defeated, no, its greater than that. It is a feeling of taking back the control in your life. My life was no different. For some reason I felt like it was similar to the water swirling down the toilet just going round and round swirling faster and faster creating a tornado like image.

I have seem to lose all the control over my life, my marriage, myself, my kids, and what pissed me off more was Raiza's voice echoing in my head so loud, "you never should of ran off and married him, you went to fast, you should of slowed down."

There was so little respect for me from Sara. I could tell that she felt alone once again and I knew just what I had to do. After Harry came inside from speaking to Goldie he appeared to be even more confused than when went outside. I could instantly tell he was filled with regret, he would never admit it but I could tell. I could also tell that there was still love in his heart for her. I actually believed he loved her far more than he loved me. I was even beginning to wonder if he felt as if he made a mistake marrying me and not her.

I was never more scared in my life, here I was about to end something I wanted so badly but at what cost? First I lose Savi to drugs and alcohol and now with the house so empty without her and currently Sara feeling so alone I had made a mess of my life once again. But I knew what I had to do. I had to take that break from Harry. First, to let me figure out what I wanted to do, second, to make Sara feel like she was the most important figure in my life.

Sara put up with so much crap while I spent five years chasing Savi to save her life and look where that got me, a daughter gone, a daughter that I truly believed hated me more than the Devil could ever hate someone. I was learning very quickly that when one signs their name on the dotted line giving up their soul to be with someone, feeling any remorse or pain just seemed to be obsolete.

I mean Sara taught Sela to crawl, to eat with a spoon, to sit up, to walk, it was as if she was a built in Nanny and I took advantage of it because I spent five years chasing Savi to save her life. It seemed that I just put Sara's youngest years on hold and then when Harry came along, I did the same thing. I put Sara's feelings of me getting married on hold. It was as if I didn't care how she felt or thought.

I remember when Harry looked at me with such a crazed look in his face when I finally got the nerve up to say, "I need a break, I need to reel in the reins of my life and take control because right now, things are so out of control I just can't take it anymore."

My heart was just breaking at the fact that I told him to leave. I knew just where Harry was going to go, he was going to run right back her Goldie. I mean its not like he was going to get a place of his own and try to make our marriage work. Nope, he was going to go back to her. My brother once told me that I loved to Micro Manage everything and everyone and I never really understood what he meant until right then and there when I realized how I had micro-managed Harry and everyone else around me.

I began pulling his clothes out of the closet and laying them on the bed. Harry just sat on the side of the bed watching me never saying a word. I didn't know what to say anymore than he did. I just made sure to never look at him because I would of thrown all caution to the wind and begged and pleaded for him to love me, to stay with me to pick me once again. Once I was done in the closet I went for the drawers taking out his underwear, his shirts, shorts, sweatpants, and then I turned to him, I could see the sadness in his eyes almost wanting to apologize and as I cleared my throat I told him, "she's waiting for you, so go to her. You know you want too."

I don't know what I was expecting, I don't know if I wanted Harry to yell or beg to stay, or tell me how much he wanted this marriage, I just didn't know but I do know I didn't expect him to just take his things and pile them into his car and drive off. But, that is just what he did. Once he was gone everyone came to my room to make sure I was okay. I wanted to cry but I just couldn't.

I do know that I apologized to Sara profusely telling her that it is just her and me and Sela and it was going to stay that way. God if I had a camera at that very moment. You should of seen the huge smile on her face. She was beaming with happiness. My guilt was beginning to flood my heart when I saw her so happy. All I ever wanted my whole life was to be married, have kids, friends, a wonderful life and mine was the absolute opposite.

So, I spent my entire time with Sara and Sela. I dedicated every waking moment to them. I took Sara to school and picked her up and she just loved that. I told Felix to stop coming over and seeing Sela so much that I wanted to spend time with her and he was more than happy to do that. I began cooking dinners again, helping Sara with her homework, spending time with Raiza and her family, but still deep inside I was missing Harry so much but I never told a sole.

Weeks had gone by not hearing a thing from Harry. We just never called each other and finally I broke down and told my parents that Harry had moved out. My mom and dad were so pissed. They of course blamed me for my failed marriage. That was my fault because I never told them of Harry's infidelity. I had every chance to tell them but I was so worried about him not being accepted or loved. Yep, I did the opposite, I made Harry sound so wonderful, so amazing, so worthy, and each time I did that I was setting myself up for failure.

I tried sharing with my mom about Goldie and she still blamed me for not giving him space. For each attack of her own words, I defended myself but her anger, venom and sharp tone just beat me to the ground. It's a good thing my parents were living in Oregon and me in California. Can you imagine if I had to see them? Wow!

It had been just about twelve weeks since Harry and I had separated. During those twelve weeks I just felt like Zombie. Oh sure, I was going through all the motions of being a mom, having coffee with Raiza, cleaning the home but inside I was just dying. If I even brought up the topic of Harry with Raiza I was condoned for marrying him and if I tried talking to my mom about my pain she just kept throwing it in my face how the whole failed marriage was my fault. 

I went through the bits of anger of Harry putting me in the position he did and then I transferred that anger to myself allowing myself to fall for him. I just kept bouncing the imaginary ball back and forth, angry at Harry then angry at myself. Forgiving myself when selling my soul to the Devil was one of the hardest things I could ever do. I wasn't nearly to do that so I just kept punishing myself over and over telling myself how horrible a person I was, how I was the "other woman" how I broke up a seven year relationship, how I allowed Harry to do this, and that, and this, and that.  

Going into my fourteenth weeks without him seemed like years, the days seemed long and actually boring now. Out of nowhere my phone rang. I glanced at it ready "Harry Hubby". He asked if Sara was at school and I told him yes wondering where he was going with this, then he asked about Sela if she was with Felix and once again I told him yes. Then it dawned on me, he wanted to see me.

I said no and yet he still continued day after day. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted but in the mean time I was going to file for divorce. I wanted to be weak, I wanted to crumble, I wanted to take him back so bad, but I knew it would just crush Sara.

So, that one morning when I took Sara to school and Felix came to get Sela, I was actually home alone. I had planned on going grocery shopping but when Felix came to get Sela he never left me my child support and my food stamps wasn't going to be available for another week. There was a knock at the front door and when I opened it surprise! Harry.

He said he wanted to talk to me to halt the divorce to think about it. I never asked where he was living and he never volunteered the information. He asked what I was going to do that day and I told him I wanted to do grocery shopping but I didn't have any money. And the guilt gifts began once again.

Harry took his money clip out of his suit pockets and handed me $600.00 and told me to go to the store. He just turned and left. He never said a word to me. I was shocked here I was standing there with $600.00 and not sure what to do.

So, I went shopping for food.