Survival, it is one of the strongest of human instincts we have within our mind and body. Through each and everyone's own survival it can take us through twist and turns we never imagined we could and would ever go through.
We often hear stories of so many others who have survived such tragic events in their own lives, we often can and will ponder on the thought of what we are seemingly going through can and will seem so minuet leaving us standing before the one with such challenges asking ourselves, "have I really been this selfish that I never stop to look around at others in this world, have I been so self-absorbed, self-centered where I think and believe that I am the only one ever going through such tragedy in this cold world?
When we go through some of the darkest times of our lives it can appear that the once world filled with the glory of the sun warming our bodies now appear dark and uninviting. We hear the voices of others telling us, "you will thrive, you will come out of this on the other end a stronger and better person." and yet still, we tend to not believe them. Because the days once filled with sun, the laughter of others, the caring hearts of our loved ones, can suddenly seem to bleak and so hopeless.
Survival, is a journey, it is a self-discovery, it can and will take us along paths of least resistance yet in order to survive we must dig deep into our mind and fight the fight because giving up is not an option. I heard for the very first time "Rise" by Katy Perry, which of course left me in tears. I was so confused because I was beginning to wonder how I ever survived and wondered how I made it through some of the darkest days of my life and how now many years later, I am sitting here pounding out words from my laptop sharing my tragic events with the entire world. A world of people I will ultimately never meet.
After listening to this song "Rise" I began to ponder on my own life, I asked myself if I actually did learn from living such a hard life, a life filled with desperation, deceit, betrayal, can and do I offer words of wisdom? Do I have the ability to alter the path of least resistance from someone going through their own pain where I desperately reach into their cold dark fox hole bellowing to take my hand, let me help you out of the cold dark world you live in and let me show you the light?
Do we blog to teach others, to help them, or do we blog because we have something to offer someone that ray of hope, that shinning beacon of light taking them from something so tragic with hopes of leading them to something positive and engaging.
"When something so tragic happens, comes light, comes something so positive and that is what we need to focus on."
Even more shocking news (are you really that surprised?)
When morning came I just couldn't seem to get out of bed. My body ached and I was just drained. I remember how I allowed pain into my heart and head. No matter how I struggled to move or how I tried to get out of bed I just couldn't seem to bring myself to leave my room. First Sara came to my room knocking on the door telling me to take her to school and for some reason I just didn't care if she went to school or not. Then Savi came telling me that felt weird to the effect that something was happening in her pregnancy but still, I never moved. Then Sela came with her soft baby like words begging for me to come hold her and still, I never moved.
I had managed to actually let sleep take over and what seemed like forever, which it probably wasn't, there was another knock at my door. It was Raiza telling me to open the door, she continued to pound and pound at the door with Sara, Savi and Sela behind her. Raiza finally blurted out if I didn't open my door she would call the fire department allowing them to break down my bedroom door.
So, feeling defeated to the voices behind the door and the ear aches of pounding, I crawled out of bed and opened my door. At that point I just didn't care about anything, I didn't care about taking care of Sela, if there was food in the house, if Sara had to be at school, I didn't care what time it was, if it was day or night. Raiza was standing there with a cup of coffee telling me to drink this and then ordered me to her car where she would be driving Sara to school and then once home, she would call Felix telling him to come and get Sela for the day.
Savi was due any day now and she was constantly gone with Dio making plans with the soon to be new parents. Papers were signed, the "T's" crossed and the "I's" dotted on the line making the adoption legal. I was severely depressed because I was going to lose my only grandchild I would ever have. No matter how many times I pleaded with Savi to keep her baby how I would help, she ultimately choose to give her baby up.
Harry still had not called and I so badly wanted to run to the phone pleading and begging for him to come home. I wanted to tell him how I would change, how I would do whatever it took to make this work but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. My mind was now haunting me of my life with Rick, I was once again doing whatever I could to make this man love me. I was once again back in a place I promised myself I would never be in. I now realized how weak and unstable I really was.
Raiza demanded that I go with her when dropping off Sara and once we were home, she went to my room, turned on the shower, got me undressed, and shoved me into the shower telling me how badly I smelled. She then sat on the toilet waiting for me to finish. Yet, all I could do is just fall to the ground within my shower crying and screaming "NO, NO, I love him, I need him, I have to have him"
So, Raiza did the unmentionable, she went into the kitchen getting out one of my jugs for juice. She filled it with freezing water then came back to me tossing it over the top of the shower putting me in a shock from the cold. She opened my shower doors and began yelling at me that I am better than this, I am stronger than this, I need to stop, I need to get a grip, that Harry was the loser not me, how he was an idiot, he was the user, blah, blah, blah.
Raiza yanked me out, dried me off and got me dressed. Now that I think about how I let this man affect me the way he did, I wonder if I was more ashamed of my behavior because really, I had only been with him for less than two months. But this man was under my skin, he managed to crawl there and I allowed him to stay there.
As the days passed and me not hearing from Harry, days turned into nights, nights turned into one week and suddenly out of nowhere, Harry came home. He had roses in hand, a boat load of gifts, a card, chocolate candy, and an apology. And, I took him back so openly I just opened my arms flying to his. He showered me with diamond earrings (which I later found out were cubic zirconia) perfume, a watch (which I later found out was a knock off) and chocolate candy (I found out expired).
Harry felt the need to explain to everyone which included Raiza and my kids where he was and why he was gone without a phone call. I could feel my eyes dancing at the thought of looking at him, I could feel myself smiling again, I missed his arms, I missed his laughter, I missed him making love to me, I missed everything about him.
We did everything together for weeks upon weeks. He never left myside and always came home every single day. I was more in love with this man than any other man in my life. At least I thought I did. Things were going so well with him it seemed unreal. Harry came home telling me he had a meeting in Las Vegas and wanted to take me along and the kids as well.
So, when the day came and we all piled into the car, we drove off hitting the road for Vegas. Once we arrived Harry had his meeting which landed him six of his biggest accounts of his career. Six major hotels signed pest control contracts with Harry sending him over the edge of making $25,000 in commissions just from signing the contracts.
Harry then drove to the "Little Wedding Chapel" where he proposed, I said yes, and we got married that night. Little did I know he was still heavily involved with Goldie on the side. After we came home as a married couple, one Sunday morning Harry went to play golf and left his cellphone behind. I of course turned it on and began going through his contacts. There it was the initials "GH" so I called it. And yes, she answered! He had been carrying on with her for WEEKS! He came home and we got into one of the biggest fights I had ever had with a man.
That day, that very minute, I was out for revenge. I no longer cried, I no longer laid down for days, I no longer ignored my kids, now it was sweet revenge.
I was going to take this man out by manipulation, retaliation, and torment causing this man to remember me until they put the last nail in his coffin. So, I learned from best didn't I? I mean I did learn from Savi somethings and I was now going to use what she taught me all about manipulation and I was going to play it to the fullest.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!