Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Suffering the Loss

When we think of death we often think of one that has met the unfortunate demise of their life. We will suffer the loss of a loved one that was either very near and very dear to one's life or we will suffer the loss of one that we have casually known.

We will miss them and often think of them in a loving manner. We will talk about them in a loving way remembering who they were and what they stood for. How they make others laugh, their tender heart, and yes, there are even handfuls of people that when they have the met their demise, others will say with their cold uninviting heart, "they deserved what they got" as cold as that is, how mean as that can be, it does happen.

Yet in the world of a parent who suffers the loss of a child not directly to death but indirectly by something more powerful than they ever imagined. I have spoken to so many parents, loved ones, children, especially children in either group settings or one-on-one when we lose our loved one to drugs and alcohol we often feel that death has arrived.

Oh, sure there are groups, rehabs, counseling, interventions, I mean the list can go on and on but the actual end result comes from the one who invited such a tragic life into their own space. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have "forced" Savi into rehab, or into counseling, how many interventions I have been involved in to save her life yet, I was always faced with a child that is now unrecognizable to even her own shadow.

There is something that now occupies one's broken heart when losing a child to drugs and alcohol and it is called "GUILT" we often live with so much guilt and wonder if we ever did enough, if we could of done "THIS" or if we could of done "THAT" we back track our steps asking ourselves, "what could I have done better if not greater to help save my baby?"

You should hear the blame that children put on themselves when they watch their parents wasting away to drugs to alcohol. The children of families always asked me, "if I loved them more would they have not taken that drink or snorted that last line, used that needle, or yelled at me, slapped me, blamed me for their own life, is this my fault?"

I have ultimately blamed myself for more than twenty years on Savi's life. I always said, "if I would have spent more time with her, listened to her better, hugged her more, stopped with the lectures, stopped with the yelling, if I would of laughed with her more, if I would have cried a little more, if I would of fought more, would it really have made a difference?"

Now that I live in a state that is riddled with homeless, people begging for money on the side of the road for their next fix, watching countless people sleeping under plastic bags seeking warmth, how desperate they are for food, how desperate they are for a drink and I am not talking water. I am witnessing them shaking from withdrawals, I have seen them meme, kill, rob others so they can pawn something or sell it on Craigslist in hopes for enough money for their next fix.

Recently Savi made a trip to Oregon to see my parents. Of course, she is going to keep close contact with them because my parents are non-judgmental well at least not her face. There she will be provided money, food, they will take her shopping, yes, they have been the ones who support her indirectly because they love her.

My mom called me four months ago, after Savi visited them. She told me how horrible she looks, how she has gained a lot of weight which my mom feels is from depression. Savi opened up and told my mom that she was rushed to the hospital due to alcohol poisoning and while there, the staff witnessed her literally "coming unglued" as if her body parts were falling all around and there wasn't enough staff members to collect her body parts in the attempt to glue her back together.

Savi was diagnosed as a person with Bi-Polar tendencies, anxiety, depression and that is just to name a few that was rattled off by the hospital psychiatrist. Savi had recently cut once again her arms, her legs, her hands, her everything and once again was placed on a 51/50 suicide attempt.

You see, death doesn't have to be someone buried six feet under in a box, death can actually take hold of your loved one as you watch them suffer while drowning in their own death. We as parents or children of a loved one who suffers from alcohol abuse or drug abuse knows that the Grim Reapers is taking up time and space with your loved one and there is nothing you can do.

Feeling helpless is something very familiar to me. It takes a hold of my heart clenching it in what seems to be this vice so strong that no matter how many times I fight back and when I do, I can feel the vice becoming tighter and tighter and the more I fight to not feeling helpless the worse the pain is in my heart.

I miss her, I miss Savi terribly. I remember watching her as a baby in her swing as I cranked it then giving a gentle push as it cradled her slowly calming a crying baby. I miss hearing her laughter, I miss her reaching her tiny arms up to me telling me "uppie" I miss her arms wrapping around my neck squeezing me so tightly then telling me I was the best mommy.

I have blamed myself for how she turned out for the better part of twenty years now. I have questioned my ability on being a mother. I have struggled with my other two daughters Sara and Sela in providing them with unselfish love. I have gone above and beyond what any other mother will do to ensure that I will not lose my other two to drugs and alcohol.

I have walked through this house wondering what it would be like to have Savi living here, I have sent her text messages on her cellphone telling her how much I love her and how much I miss her and yet, there is no response from her ever.

We know that it is only a matter of time before the Grim Reaper decides he now wants to claim his next victim our loved ones to death. No matter how many times we as parents, loved ones and children fight with every power we have to change the direction that is now about to happen, we cannot. And as he stands before us watching us begging and pleading for more time, we know it will not happen because now time has now become "Time of the Essence"

Every single day of every single waking moment of every single tick of the clock, from every single sunrise to sunset, I hope and pray that Savi will reach out to me and tell me, "I love you mom" would that be her cry for help, would that change the direction of which the Grim Reaper stands?

Or, every single day of every single waking moment of every single tick of the clock from every single sunrise to sunset do we wonder if today will be the day we receive that phone call telling us, "I am sorry to report but we found your (fill in the spaces) dead due to drugs and alcohol.

Losing your loved one to drugs and alcohol is the worst and slowest death that we as loved one, family, and children will ever watch. Losing someone to a car accident where instant death becomes them is far better than watching your loved on slowly die to something more powerful than ever imagined.