Thursday, March 2, 2017

Rejection & Broken Hearted = Pain and Anger

Rejection and Broken Hearted can be the ultimate hurting point in anyone's life. Rejection can come from an employment review when not receiving the much-anticipated wage raise one expected and counted on often leaving the person feeling pain and anger.

When a man who suffers from low self-esteem, he lacks self-confidence, yet he dreams of taking out who he believes is the prettiest woman he ever laid eyes on only to find out that she laughs in his face and then blurts out, "you're joking right?"

The woman who had devoted her life to her husband, their kids, she is president of the PTA, she is heavily involved within her community, a fabulous cook, she creates a not just a place with four walls yet a "loving home"  she plays the role as financial advisor, the counselor, and then her life is pulled out from under her that one night she will never forget ever, the man of her dreams comes home placing divorce papers in front of her telling her, "I met someone else, I love her, I'm leaving you"

How does one go about picking up the pieces of a now shattered world that once was filled with dreams, opportunities, such love, the yearning of another human being. Where do they begin to pick up the explosion of their broken heart? How do they begin to heal? Do they ever find solace once again?

And the time has arrived

Savi was growing uncomfortable each day which told me that she was ready for her baby any day. I was still struggling with wanting her to keep the baby, I began begging for her to change her mind. The attorneys told Savi that she has three days to change her mind and I was going to take those three days by pleading and begging for her to keep her baby.

Raiza asked me while I shared my worry and deep concern for Savi's well-being once she left the hospital empty handed just what it would do to her, "are you more worried about how you felt? I mean you shared how rejected you felt when your own mom didn't want you, are you really worried about Savi or yourself?"

What I wanted to do was grab Savi and shake her with such violence yelling at her, "do you have any idea how your going feel walking out of that hospital empty handed? I mean think about it, your going to come home alone and empty with no baby, are you really willing to do that?"

I gave my word that I would do all I could and will do to help her with her baby. I would do everything but then I began to realize I was living vicariously through Savi my own pain of rejection and broken hearted because my birth mother didn't want me. I tried telling Savi how I felt when I had to walk out of the hospital alone without Sela because she came two months early. I tried telling her how empty I hurt and how the motherly instinct just kicked in and it would with her also. I was pissed at her because she would rather live a life of partying and drugs then being responsible. I felt as of I failed to bring up a somewhat normal human being.

I know I was being selfish and self-centered, I know it, but I also knew what she was up against when leaving that hospital empty-handed, I knew the pain that live and dwell inside of her for the rest of her natural life. From sunrise to sunset each and every day for the rest of her life she would question if in fact she did the right thing. I was desperately trying to stop that from happening but with each attempt of me throwing such harsh negativity into her face it just lead to a painful fight between us.

Not only was I breaking my daughters heart, I was also breaking her spirit, I was creating such a distance between us, a distance far greater than what we already had. And, at that point, I just didn't care all I cared about was how she was going to feel and secretly how I was feeling. When Savi called my mom crying and screaming of what I was doing my mom told her to give the phone to me and she ripped me a new asshole where she yelled at me so heavily asking me just what I was trying to accomplish by doing this to her.

My mom just continued to yell chanting over and over, "do you have any idea how hard this is for her, what she is going through, do you, well do you?" then before I could even answer her, she just slammed down the phone hanging up on me. Dio presented to me a trip to the hospital to see the birthing room and where both of the adopted parents would be. He told me that Savi really wants me to go and help her through this. I was determined to not go, I was not going to watch her hand over my grand baby to this couple. My heart was breaking to quickly for me to try to pick up the pieces. My head spinning, my thoughts clustered so badly I couldn't even make a complete sentence.

Dio just continued telling me how badly Savi really wanted me there and so I gave in. I was so angry, I was pissed, I was angry, I was feeling rejected and broken hearted which resulted in pain and anger which seemed so "A" typical in my life but this was a new pain and anger I had yet ever experienced and truth be told I was just not wanting to have any part of it. Raiza and my mom begging me to put my selfishness and anger aside and be there for Savi and so I did. Well I tried.

While we toured the hospital with the friendly nurse showing us just what would happen Cassandra and her husband showed up. I was growing angry and felt loathing flowing through my veins. As I watched Cassandra and her husband I noticed the fear in their faces of the possible changing of Savi's mind. I felt their fear, I felt their worry, I could get a sense of panic flowing their own veins as I watched so carefully. Cassandra seemed as if she was about to faint from worry and then losing all the color in her face she finally asked to be excused to sit down.

Me, I just stayed quite, I never sounded a word, I never gave my opinion, my thoughts or ideas, I just stayed off in the distance like a thief in the night waiting and watching to make my entrance into the home then robbing the entire place. Dio of course held Savi's hand through the entire visit, he was supportive, he was doting, he was very loving, he also made sure that Savi was okay when small tears began to fall down her face.

That was when I pounced, I told her she didn't have to do this, she could change her mind she could come home with her baby. Cassandra of course heard me and began crying at the thought of yet another failed adoption but I didn't care. All I cared about was Savi and my selfish self.

Once we left the hospital Savi just laid into me where she yelled and screamed how rude I was, how she was so scared right about now and how I made it worse. I watched the tears dropping down her beautiful face, I saw her shaking from pain and now anger which then turned to rage. I just stood there unsure what to say at least I thought I didn't know what to say but then of course like always I just blurted out my thoughts once again of how she was making the worse mistake of her life. How she would endure such pain and anger and how she would have such a difficult time forgiving herself for the rest of her life.

December 23rd, 2004

Christmas was here, and my house was ready for both my parents along with my brother to show up. I had the tree up, gifts under the tree and there was a brisk nip in the air that told everyone soon presents would be open and laughter would fill the homes of everyone around us. Lights hung outside of homes and when night fell everyone would gasp at the beauty of the homes nearby.

But the only home that suffered so greatly was mine. The mood was dense, there was no laughter, there was no happiness, there was a great divide among us. Savi had delivered her baby a beautiful baby boy that weighed in at seven pounds six ounces. Savi named him just for herself yet she knew that the adopted parents had a different name for him. The papers were ready for Savi to sign and the social worker at the hospital was gentle, kind and loving with Savi understanding that she was about to make the ultimate sacrifice that any woman can ever do. Give up her baby and walk out empty-handed and alone.

On that day that she was to hand over her baby Savi called me begging for me to come to the hospital to see her and her son. As I rejected her invitation to come see my grandson I heard the tears of the pain that she was about to do. I knew if I went I would talk her out of it, I would throw a fit and possibly be arrested. Now I look back at the rejection and broken heart I gave to my daughter and the pain and anger that followed, we would never be the same.

Cassandra and Phillip received the best gift that one can ever give to another, a human life. I was angry, I was empty, I was so filled with panic of how Savi would feel Christmas Eve with no baby.
As my parents came with my brother in tow, it was a somber night. Not many words were shared and everyone was so unsure what to say to each other. Savi was home and hiding out in her room and I felt helpless. She wanted to be alone, she wanted to cry and that is just what she did. She cried, she screamed, she pounded walls, she pleaded for help. And yes, she even screamed out how she wanted her son back.

Myself along with Sara and Sela and my parents and brother were so unsure what to say or do. I didn't know what to do or say. I just stood in the middle of the room feeling empty myself. When Savi came out she found her way to my mom and just took her into her arms and just began to cry, she shook, she pleaded for help, she refused to let go of my mom.

All we heard over and over again, "I want my son back, I want my son, my son, not her. Please bring my son back to me."