Why is it when one causes us pain often so deep it can leave us scared not just in our heart of hearts but our soul and when we hear, "I'm sorry" we tend to say, "it's okay" Have we as everyday human being become so practical that we just blurt out "It's okay" when actually it isn't. As we watch the person that caused us such pain walk away do we question how to ever trust that person again and will they do it again, and again?
We can forgive perfect strangers, people that have crossed our paths for mere seconds and we can forgive family, friends, co-workers, but the one person that we always overlook, OURSELVES!
The path to forgiveness is the one that is least traveled and when one dares to put their toes in the water of forgiveness we soon find out it is not an easy one. Learning to forgive yourself is self-awareness and having the ability to understand that life is in fact a journey. It is by far not a marathon, a sprint, a jog, but steps we all take.
Sure you can "Google" self-forgiveness you will find thousands of pages on such a topic or you can go to your local bookstore to find "Self-Help" books on self-forgiveness and possibly end up even more confused than when you started. So, what did I do to learn to forgive myself when it comes to Savi and Harry, a lot of self-observation, TONS of journaling, and I think one of the biggest things I learned through this journey is learning to understand why I did what I did and to accept things as they were.
Key to Forgiveness: Learning to accept things as they are, you cannot change them, force them to be, to love oneself enough and know when to back down, when to fight the fight, and the biggest of all...LOVE WHO YOU ARE NOW, NOT WHAT YOU WERE THEN!
Savi & Healing
Life is funny, it is filled with twist and turns worse than a roller coaster going at one hundred miles per hour in pitch black. Get in, buckle up, hold on, because your going to be in a ride you will never forget!
Okay, so not that I am making this about me, BUT, when Christmas day was over and there was such a somberness inside my home, my entire family was just walking on eggshells so unsure what to talk about, what to say, what not to say, it was so uncomfortable. I did however begin to think about my birth mother and what she felt walking out of the hospital without me just as Savi did without her son. I wondered if my birth mother was hurting, if she cared, if she didn't care, I wondered if she cried or if she returned to the hospital to watch me go home with my adopted family. I have always wondered if she wanted to see who was taking me home, just a glimpse of who "they" were.
My mom kept telling me that Savi would be okay, but I knew different. You see my mom really never experienced that bond that women have while pregnant or birthing a baby, and that automatic connection we get feeling your baby moving about inside of you. Sure, it was easy for my mom to say those things yet, I knew better. I knew that Savi was feeling torture and I understood her more then she thought.
Savi just went downhill faster than a train without brakes. She fell into such a depression and became just wreck less. There was so many tears that fell down her face, so much pain, so much anger, she hated me because I never went to see her son. I just couldn't bring myself to go. I would of tried so hard to talk her out of it. I was battling with my own demons that now came alive with my adoption and I wasn't about to share that with Savi because I didn't think that she would have understood.
There was such a great divide now between Savi and myself and with every strife of anger between the both of us, she pulled out the guilt I felt and Savi had no qualms when it came to using it against me throwing it back in my face how a horrible mother I was, how I should of been there for her, how I was so selfish and for some reason I never stopped her. I figured that is what she needed was to vent and so I let her take it out on me.
Savi began drinking heavily day and night, she began smoking marijuana even more, she even turned to sleeping pills without my knowledge. What I did find out later was that she was mixing sleeping pills and alcohol together She began cutting herself so badly again and once again my nightmare began all over. She went right back to her evil ways of calling CPS once again telling them I was abusing her.
What she didn't plan on was how this was about to backfire on her. Every single CPS worker that came to the home told her that she was suffering from postpartum depression and she was using me as bait. It pained me so greatly to see her in the condition that she was in. With each attempt to get closer to her, to tell her I understand more than she thinks, to console in her, to love her, she fought back with such fire and hatred towards me.
Well I took my pain to my mom and she then took the news to my brother and then my brother got involved. He called one day and asked Savi if she wants a change of scenery, to attend college in Maine. My brother and my mom worked out a plan for her to attend college in South Portland, Maine. Savi accepted the invitation and within days she was gone heading to Maine.
My mom and dad offered to pay for her entire college, housing, food, transportation needs, whatever she needed. The problem was my brother lived three and half hours away from the college. I even asked him how he planned on keeping track of her and her progress but as my brother always does and what he does best, he gets everyone involved.
He landed a meeting with the Dean of the school filling him on Savi and asking too keep an eye on her, a counselor to talk to, he notified the campus police of her and he even sent a picture of her to each and every person to ensure security for herself and of course the campus. My parents flew to Maine days later and met Savi at the airport and together my mom and dad and Savi had a shopping day to end all shopping.
My parents bought her a bed, bedding, clothes, laptop, printer, bus pass for one year, unlimited food from the campus as well as a credit account at the local grocery store that my parents paid for. A television, stereo, the list goes on and on and on. I was pissed because I knew that she was going to take it for granite but my mom was always the positive one. Once the classes were registered and teachers assigned Savi was to tell my brother who each of her teachers were, the classroom number and the time she went to school.
My brother, notified each teacher of who he was, what he needed and why. So, each teacher was on board with this and within two months of Savi attending school, she began missing classes and not turning in homework. She had managed to call my brother and tell him she needed help and he would get into his car with no questions asked and drive that three and half hour drive only to find out that Savi stood him up She not only stood him up once, twice, or three times, nope, she stood him up fifteen times.
Yep, Savi took for granite all the help and assistance not from just family but from educators, counselors, and she just didn't care anymore how my parents were helping her or my brother. She was burning every bridge that was made for her to help her and she didn't care who she hurt or why. Not only was she abusing such a gift, a gift of free education, a gift my parents along with my brother were attempting to give and help her, she managed to hurt the hearts of the ones that loved her the most.
And she just didn't care! I of course stepped in and yelled at my parents to stop, I told them they were throwing money down the drain, how my brother was missing so much work it was causing a financial strain on him but all three of them told me to mind my own business. I can take Savi hurting me I was used to it, but I was not going to let her hurt my parents or my brother. So, I called Savi and gave her a mouth full of anger..
"If you want to throw your life down the toilet, that's your business, but so help me God, you do anything to hurt Nana and Grampy or your Uncle, I will take you out, I will clean your clock. You were given a gift, a gift that probably no other student at your school will ever have and yet you go and toss it away without a care in the world. Get your head out of your ass, get yourself educated and do something positive with your life, what, you think your the only woman on this planet that put a child up for adoption? Look around baby, there are hundreds each day that do that. Get your shit together and do it now or walk away and see just where your life goes."
Dead silence on the other end of the phone, not one single word from her. The only thing I heard was the phone going silent.