Thursday, March 30, 2017

Baby Boomers Education






There are many, many people and if I were told to count the number of people such as myself that went back to school to educate themselves for a fighting chance at a great life, I would run out of paper and pencils.

I attended high school back in 1976-1980 and during that time one of the electives that I was able to choose was considered a "FUN" class so I took my jab at ceramics. I still remember my teacher, Mrs. Lockeard. She was one of those hippie people that you could totally see running around any beach community and calling it home.

My math teacher Mr. Sklar, was one of those "free wheeling" teachers that often thought smoking marijuana was the best form of relaxation and he had no problems walking into his classroom just stoned off his butt. I still remember how I struggled in that class facing frustration and anger each day trying to grasp exactly how Algebra actually worked.

On the day of the finals, Mr. Sklar came into the classroom, sat down, and began digging through his briefcase. He pulled out a small box then taking one white paper and his marijuana as well. He began rolling a joint and then lighting it up taking a huge inhale then letting out the stinky smell he smiled at us and said, "everyone gets an A in Algebra."

If I was asked to compare the differences between high school today and high school back then, well, mine was a walk in the park compared to how it is now. Yep everyone during my rein in high school just sailed right through without a care in the world.

Growing up in California, well, we were known as the state of plenty. Many different nations came running to California for what they considered a "better life" especially people from Mexico. Back in 1976 - 1980, sure there was some Hispanics where I lived but they were not flooding over like they are today. Computers during this time was just cresting in our world and many thought it was just a fad just like television back in the forties and fifties.

So, I never really grew up understanding computers or how it would really effect my life. My parents were never the ones to get in my face and tell me that computers would change our world and I better get on the band wagon and learn all I can about them let alone a second language.

Had someone told me that learning Spanish would forge me ahead in the work force giving me a cutting edge on growth I would have laughed them right out of the room. Our thinking during my rein in high school like many others were solid on the idea of many different nations coming to the United States making English their main language. We all had ignorant thinking, "if you wan to come to our state, our nation, then learn our language, why should be we go out of our way to learn yours, your the one coming here so learn our language."

From 1980 and moving forward, our world and work force was changing rapidly. Computers were still forging ahead and making their way into homes and work places. The younger generation was learning rather quickly how computers were changing our world. The language barriers for many of the people racing to live in the United States was changing as quickly as computers. If you knew a language and you were computer savvy, you were in like Flynn. You were going places and making a name for yourself and not only were they growing in the corporate ladder their wallets becoming fatter and fatter!

Now jump forward to past President Obama on everyone's television telling all of us and I still remember exactly what he said.

"We are faced with a diverse work force. Many of the younger generation in today's world has the cutting edge on growth, education, and sustainability. Baby Boomers are now faced with not landing jobs due to the education they received while in school. I am making it a point to give out student loans to all baby boomers so the may return to school, become educated and land those same jobs that a twenty year plus kid is getting. I have received thousand and thousands of letters telling me that as a baby boomer they are being turned down jobs because they do not have a clear understanding of computers, language barriers, and more. So, baby boomers, get on your computers enter your birth date and you will get student loans."

The idea was to get baby boomers off of state assistance because the vast majority of people on state government assistance was in fact baby boomers. They had minimum wage jobs and were not able to pay rent, buy a house, or keep food in the pantry for their kids. We had no company growth because our education only went so far, as far as a high school diploma. We wanted the same chances and the same thing that every other person was getting.

Please remember, not every high school graduate during my rein in school did not have the financial means to send their children to college. I still remember Saddleback College each class a $3.00 credit class. Now, its almost three times that amount at a qualified college/university.

And that is exactly what every baby boomer did! Thousands and thousands if not millions jumped onto their computers and actually got an undisclosed amount of money to return to school to become educated. Vocational schools hit an all time high enrollment in such areas as medical assistants, law clerks, office secretaries, computer schools, and colleges were suddenly flooded with people my age during this time which would of been in my early forties.

Little did we know during this time there was ONLY a designated timeline and dollar amount that would be given to baby boomers for their future education. So typically a baby boomer that jumped on that band wagon was only given so much money for so many months. Once the money was used up the school would then contact the baby boomer telling them that the money given to them for education was gone and they now needed to provide additional funds to complete their education.

We were not able to get student loans because the student loans given to us was now considered "outstanding" and "unpaid" so what do we do? We stopped going to school because financially, we could never finish.

So what happens when one's student loans runs out and they can no longer afford college? This is what happens!!

Prime Example of Zero Education

Here is a prime example...I landed a job interview with a local company that ran an ad in my paper that said, "looking to hire within the company. Computer experience required but willing to train the right person."

I called and landed an interview and when I showed up there was approximately thirty two people there. I was the oldest woman in the room I was thirty six years old. Many others in the room were in their early twenties who were educated, smart, and computer savvy and of course I was turned down for the job due to a lack of education.

So where does that place me? Right back into minimum wage, outstanding student loans that are sky rocketing with interest, I am not making enough money to even begin to pay $50.00 a month on my now outstanding student loans. So I went from owing $15,332.00 to a whopping $42,101.09 in back student loans.

When I did do my taxes in hopes of a refund, my refund went right to my past student loans. As a single mother of three girls and getting that child tax credit of $3,000 per child making that $9,000 plus in a refund was never once ever seen.

So, how does one get out of the death grip of student loans, how do we get over this huge hurdle and actually get to see just ONE refund coming my way?


If any knows, please write to me @ lifessteppingstones@gmail.com

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

29 Years of Experience


When I started in the food industry at the age of sixteen, if someone would have told me at the age of twenty-four, I would be starting my own event planning business I would have laughed at them with total hysteria.

During my rein within the hospitality industry I ventured out into hotels working banquets. Within these banquets, I had worked many weddings which I witnessed countless mishaps from wrong decorations to vendors not even showing up. Imagine more than one hundred plus guest arriving and the chairs which were rented for this glorious event go missing. A wedding cake that was supposed to be white with florals is now black and white with football slogans splattered everywhere and written on the black cake, "Congrats on your victory game."

The Worst Wedding Ever!

Once the hotel industry was to much, I landed a job back in the restaurant industry working at a place called "Sam's Seafood" located in Seal Beach, California. Sam's was known for the gaudy sea decorations but more for hosting countless weddings as well as their Sunday Brunches. One afternoon I was rapidly approached by Ginger the restaurant manager telling with me sheer panic in her voice to drop what I was doing and go tend to the wedding in the banquet room.

I learned rather quickly the wedding planner who had been employed for many years decided she was done and without warning or any word, she up and quit walking out on a wedding that as about to take place.

The wedding party consisted of nine men and women dressed in gaudy disgusting bright amber orange dresses, amber orange floral hair ornaments and the men sporting sky blue tuxedos flashing their  amber orange bow-ties and cumber-buns.

Sam's Seafood just went under and entire remodel renovation. The drab ugly stained green carpet was replaced with new hideous forest green carpet. The ocean theme wallpaper displaying an array of multiple fish, sharks, wicker huts and pineapples.

Here I was faced with trying to piece together a wedding which was to begin in forty-five minutes, guest were arriving so I dove in and began arranging the banquet room, place settings, center pieces, working with the vendors hired to provide the wedding cake, assisting in setting up the music, the stage in which the bride was to walk down meeting her soon-to-be husband.

Through all that I found the groom and his men tossing back straight hard liquor all laughing and cracking some horrible rude jokes. The groom took out cigars for all his men to smoke and once I approached the groom telling him to please not smoke his cigars what does he do, he drops it on the fresh forest green carpet stomping it out with his foot while tossing back his hard liquor drink.

I turned in disgust wondering where the bride was and once I found her the bride along with her bridal party had wrapped dollar bills in which was used for snorting drugs up all their noses. Yep, this wedding was out of control.

I had managed somehow to get all the guest seated and served them all drinks. I had found the bride who of course was flying higher than a kite, the groom completely liquored up, and when I had the bridal party begin their walk down the stage then the bride who of course was completely staggering all over the stage.

Their nuptials were voiced, there was a round of applause, the kissing of the bride and groom then turning to their guest they make their way down the stage. Each of them were faced with hugs and good cheer and suddenly out of nowhere the craziest thing happened....

The groom opened up the far back door  then letting it slam behind him. Yep, the groom walked out fifteen minutes after saying, "I do" to the bride and his guest never to return. It was a complete disaster. The bride was crying, the mother-of-the bride (MOB) and the father-of-the bride (FOB) got into a head on screaming match with the grooms parents. This was headed for disaster and that is exactly what happened, dishes were thrown, food was everywhere and all I wanted to do was just hide.

Not every wedding is like this there are joyous weddings that I have planned in which have left a lasting impression in my mind filled with beautiful memories. I have been approached so many times from so many people asking me for advice, how to put fires out, help in planning multiple events, and now I want to pass this wisdom to others.

Stay Tuned on what NOT to do when planning your special event.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

lifessteppingstones@gmail.com








I was once asked during a job interview, "what makes a good company run efficiently?" well, I have to admit I was never asked such a question during many other interviews as well as that particular interview. 


As I paused to think about what actually makes a good company run, the interviewer could see I was pondering on such an uneasy answer. I began to think of structure, I began to think of backbones, I began to think of what defines a great team.

As the wheels of my mind began to turn and think, I knew exactly what makes a company run yet, I struggled with the answer. Would he understand my thinking, would he entertain the logic behind my thinking? So, I dove into my answer.

"I believe what makes a company run, not just corporations, but any company is the spine."

Well you should of seen the puzzled look on his face as he leaned back into his chair where he began to chew on tip of his pen. His winced eyes showed he was intrigued by my answer and then instructed me to continue with my logic.

"Well, the human body needs the spin in order to function, it needs all the bones, tendons, the flow of blood in order to walk, sit, run, basically to function in everyday life. I mean, imagine if your spine began to slowly deteriorate, your body wouldn't function very well then would it?"

"Go on, now I'm curious just where this is going." he said.

"Well, any company, corporation, a mom and pop company, a company just starting for that fact, needs a good strong spine which represents your company. The extensions of that spine is the employees and  if one certain area of these extensions begins to not work efficiently, well then the spine begins to get weak, it will over time suffer, it will at some point cripple you don't you think so?"

I have worked in the customer service arena my entire career. There are certain demands I put on myself from the millions of faces I see daily. One of biggest demands is management. If there is a massive turnover in jobs within a company, then it is management that is deteriorating the spine of the company. Number one, they do not have the skills and trade needed to keep the spine in good health, they do not have the much needed understanding of these extensions (the employees)  in order to run a company.

Here is a good example, I was inside of Goodwill Industries within Washington State. The manager who is the "spine" of this particular store of course works side-by-side with the employees (extensions of the spine) and when one person decides they no longer want their job, or are sick and tried of their job, that certain extension of the spine will in fact cripple the spine.

December 2016

It was just about closing time and Goodwill Industries often receives flat screen televisions from many who have upgraded to a bigger and better television so they donate their perfectly good working older version of a flat screen television. I was searching for one for sometime and came across one that I was particularly interested in. I found this man who's name is "Danny" he was dressed very well, had a mustache and what seemed to be kind eyes.

I had approached him and kindly asked him, "I was interested in this television, I was wondering if you could please find someway to turn it on so I can make sure it works properly."

And Danny's reply....

"Why on earth would I do that for you, (crippling the spine) we do not do things like that for anyone else, why would I do for you?"

I was shocked and taken back by his horrible demeanor as well as his totally rude answer. There was hardly anyone in the store, maybe three people. So, I had my answer.

"Well, they have done it for me several other times and I was hoping you could do it once again. I mean, all of my televisions came from Goodwill and the employees mostly the men, would find some cables and turn it one to ensure I was buying a working television."

"You mean they have done it at this store? Who, I want to know names and when. They need to be reprimanded and trust me they will. I do not have time to entertain your wants and desires at this time."

I was just taken back by his rudeness and ugly tone to his voice. The way he stared at me, he glared at me with his once kind eyes now turning to horrible ugly eyes, I felt like I was dodging the hands of "Edward Scissorhand" I shared with him how all the employees often help many people here and he just continued to look bored with our conversation and then demanded for me to be quiet and then turning on his small little feet, he zoomed away from me. I quickly approached the cashier sharing how rude he was with me and she just stood there as if she was a deaf mute. Of course I left and empty handed and no television to speak of.

March 2017


Sela and I had sometime to kill before her doctors appointment across the street. I asked her if she wanted to go to the SAME Goodwill and she agreed so we went. Once inside I made a darting motion over to where Goodwill often receives furniture from Target that either never sold or because the box was damaged they disposed of it to Goodwill. I found a box labeled as a "black desk" in which I tried to pry open a certain corner to ensure that it was in fact a black desk.

That was where I met my fate with "Danny" once more. He cam barreling out of the back warehouse pulling a dolly in front of him when suddenly out of his mouth he ordered for me to "MOVE" he didn't bother to say "excuse me please" nope, he just ordered for me to move. I apologized rather quickly and moved out of his way.

When he came back into my direction I asked him quickly if he could help me with the desk.

"And what kind of help do you want or need?" it was a sarcastic answer, it was cold, uninviting, and so unprofessional.

"Well, I was hoping that you could open it to make sure all the screws and parts are there but most of all, to see if there was any damage to the desk being that the corner of the box is damaged." I felt it was a logical answer and much warranted.

See Goodwill's policy is "NO REFUNDS" so if I were to buy that desk and take it home sight unseen only to find out that in fact screws were missing or there was in fact a damaged leg, then I was out the cost of the desk $49.95 I would be out fifty-bucks!

Danny immediately told me, "NO, I am not going to help you, and if I were which I am not, where do you plan on opening this box so your precious little mind can be reassured that everything is there?"

The box was maybe five feet by three feet so its not like I was trying to get him to dismantle a car right there and then. It was a simple box. All Danny had to do was cut the tape let me look in the box and if all the parts were there great, I walk out with a brand new desk and if not, well, no harm done.

I told him how many times others who worked there would do that and once again he demanded to know who, the names of these people and how they would be reprimanded. I was shocked once again. Okay, I was willing to overlook December's mess but not this time. He Danny, is a bitter angry man. He is a man that is crippling the spine of this particular Goodwill. Oh sure, I could of gone to the other five Goodwill's but not every single Goodwill has brand new stuff. Finding good stuff like a brand new desk in good condition with all the working parts is like finding the Leprechaun's Pot of Gold.

Danny proceeded to take back several employees and be raid them yelling at them at what a horrible job they are doing. One lady that I have come across who is sweet, kind and ready to please any customer happened to cross path with Danny and myself. I said hi to her and she returned with a simple gesture of kindness when suddenly Danny attacked her demanding her to have no conversation to me and if in fact she had spoken to me at all during my recent visit. She quickly replied NO and right then and there he took her to the back warehouse where he also yelled at her and told her to have no further conversations with me ever again.

So, out of the mouths of babes...Sela perked up..."I think you need a new job because your such angry short man aren't you?"

I did call corporate and talked to Matt the district manager for Washington. I filled Matt in on what happened and how Danny treated me. He Matt, was floored at how horrible I was treated Matt then called the store manager where the store manager then called me. She the store manager, defended Danny telling me how shocked she is.

"If he is treating me like this, then you need to ask yourself how he is treating your employees and other customers within your store."

No answer from her end of course. She did return with she would look into it and then call me back to let me know what action was taken. She never called back, she could careless what happens or how Danny treats others.

The crazy thing is I have been several other Goodwill's since this mess just last week, handfuls of other customers know of "Danny" and have shared this anger towards this man. How rude he is, how nasty he is. Managers of other stores do not understand why he is still working for Goodwill.

So, some big fat man who sits in a $900 leather chair who makes $500,000 plus each year for the Goodwill Corporation could actually careless how people are treated, how his staff treats customers. As long as his fat pocketbook keeps getting fatter and he is able to upgrade from a $900 leather chair to a $2,000 dollar leather chair, why would he care what happens?

Sure Goodwill Industries have helped several individuals, but when was the last time Goodwill Industries took the time to actually find out how the employees that makes this man so fat and rich are being treated?

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

lifessteppingstones@gmail.com

There is a protection that a mother instinctively has when it comes to her children. As a mother myself, I never really knew just how much protection I would feel in regards to my children. Sure, I have seen countless mothers displaying a sense of protection prior to myself having children and, I often wondered how one person would have such a sense of protection.

Sadly, that is very true. As I have shared I was one very comfortable not engaging in child birth or raising a child. I shared how my time was my time and I was not willing or wanting to have a small person taking up my space and energy that I would relinquish so willingly. I was perfectly comfortable coming and going as I wished never having to answer to a small person or caring so deeply for a small person.

Is it fear of having to finally becoming responsible for someone or something? Possibly. Is it selfishness when not wanting to bring a baby into this world? Let's face it, not everyone is cut out to be a parent and that's okay. It really is okay to not bore children into our world. Take my brother for example.

My brother once told me that bringing a baby into this world that is so messed up, so confused on how our government, economy, socialism, and the expectations that is demanded when bringing a child into this world is just unfair to the child itself.

BUT.....

Since I have had my three daughters which I often refer to as, "God has a great sense of humor. He wanted to give me a great payback for the way I was with my mom so, he blessed me with three girls. One of which is my nightmare child. Talk about the ultimate of revenge."

Now that I am little more grown up, a little wiser, a little more of many things, I have learned that within my body there is this what I feel a button of protection that is pressed when Sara or Sela feel the world is up against them and they feel there is no way out. I never dreamed ever that I would become this "Mama Bear" when I reference about my kids.

I had no idea how much I would want to jump into action to protect my crying child that suffers in pain from the cold cruel world. I remember moving to Washington State and when I went to register Sara at our local high school I was told that they was this graduation requirement package that she must tend to prior to graduating.

So to break it down, we moved into our house January 22, 2009. Sara was to graduate June of the same year. The graduation requirement package for seniors began at the start of a seniors first day of school. Sara had already missed four month's worth of work that typically took one year to finish.

The high school in question advised Sara to work hard, work steady, and work fast in order to get caught up with other seniors that had already began and were in the near ending of this project. I remember looking at the lady across from me as she spoke wondering what planet she lived on. I was confused at her statement and its not like I was looking for special treatment or a shortcut for Sara to take in order to get caught up. So just what is the graduation package that was required of all seniors?

  • Pick a topic that interest you for a possible career.
  • Research that project
  • Interview more than ten (10) people for this possible career
  • Career growth and career failure of your chosen career
  • Career finances such as pay, raises, etc.
  • Visit the colleges to find out what educational path will be required
  • Collect a list of books required for your chosen career path
  • Collect what student loans would be the best for you
  • Volunteer your time up to but no less than 120 hours which is required for this package
  • Write a paper that must be double spaced, more than two-hundred pages (200)  which will consist of a thesis, what your reasoning is for this career choice, how this will help others, references and in MLA format.
  • Verbally in front of the entire school board (which consisted of more than 50 people) your reasoning for this career path, what is needed as far as education, wage earnings, and career growth.
Being that we moved in to our new home in January and Sara was given nine classes, four month's worth of homework to make up in order to be caught up in the class, and three hours of homework each night, I was just floored from what was being required of her. I can tell you it was just instant panic for Sara and myself.

Sara was interested in the medical field and wanted to seek out volunteering within the plastic surgery field. So, I dove in and while she was pounding out four month's worth of homework and still trying to stay caught up on a daily basis of her current homework, I began calling around at all medical office within in our small town for her to volunteer.

Every single place said, "I'm sorry, but we have taken all the volunteers that we can at the time and currently, we are not seeking to bring anyone else in." Of course, I tried to get Sara interested in a different field and when we chose a different field, it was the same sentence over and over. "We are just not taking volunteers at the time."

I of course would go back to the school and share with them my findings explaining how we have hit one wall after the other and now we are reaching out for help. Guess what we got....NO HELP FROM THE SCHOOL WHATSOEVER!

For all the glares and snares given to me by the school counselor I just sat before her shocked at how cold and evil she was. I then of course would shake my head in wonder and that was when I finally told her, "so let me get this straight, your not willing to help us, your telling me a boy in a wheelchair with cancer finished his project within weeks of starting school, and your not willing to help me. Boy, whatever your smoking I hope you roll it up and share it so I can be stupid and cold as you are right about now."

What I found out was that Sara's "old" counselor from her previous high school Mr. Jennings, was the actual participant who voted for such a rigorous and demanding requirement. He once lived in Washington State and was part of the same platform as other educational professors. So, I called him. I had a relationship with him and felt it would be great to catch up and share my concerns and thoughts.

What I wasn't expecting was him to belittle me or try to tell me that my concerns were in fact unjustified and how I was damaging my daughters future. Mr. Jennings, the man I knew for four years, I had a friendship relationship and professional and he managed to muster up enough anger telling me that he along with other professional educators took many months if not years coming up with something that would enlighten many seniors on what is expected of them in the workforce once they were faced with a career.

So, Sara and I just buckled down and put the foot to the pedal and together we were finally making headway. Until that day when I received the phone call from her current high school in Washington State. Her current high school unbeknown to myself but rather quickly learned was one with quite a few reputations.

Nine teachers were arrested for flipping drugs for grades. Three teachers were arrested for having sexual relations with senior girls, and two were arrested for child molestation. And this is supposed to be the "BEST" high school around?

"Is this Mrs.. Ayala?"

"No, this is Sara's mother who's this?"

It was the school nurse informing me that Sara was in a fight at school with three "star" football players and somehow mysteriously she fell down the all rock staircase located inside the quad at school. I went from zero to bitch in less than five seconds. I immediately drove over to the school to see Sara all banged up with bloody shins, bloody elbows, her face bloody and crying in such agony. Once I saw her in such a condition I went CRAZY!

"You mean to tell me, my daughter who weighs 125 pounds took on three football players which just happened to be "star" football players with a combined weight of over 400 pounds is that what your telling me?"

I just stood there gazing at this woman and I could tell that she was growing to be very uncomfortable and I stood by ground. My daughter was all torn up and they wanted to blame her. So, once again the "Mama Bear" came out.

"So, let me get this straight you stupid bitch, if I had a dick and I tossed a football around making a few touch downs, who would you believe, me or my daughter?"

Sara managed to enlighten me that three of these football players grabbed her chest yelling for the entire quad of people to hear during lunch, "Hey cop a feel, see if her gigantic boobs are real" and they assaulted her. As she continued to break down what happened, the angrier I was becoming.

I picked up my phone and the principal demanded to know who I was calling. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car getting ready to hit him.

"The police, I am filing assault charges on three of the boys then I'm calling the news. I am going to finally blow this school opened wide."

All three boys were found innocent and the news didn't want to take my story. They told me that they found it impossible that her current high school would even allow this to happen.

How does one pick up the broken pieces of your child who now believes there is no trust in this world and three boys got away with what they did?

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Suffering the Loss

When we think of death we often think of one that has met the unfortunate demise of their life. We will suffer the loss of a loved one that was either very near and very dear to one's life or we will suffer the loss of one that we have casually known.

We will miss them and often think of them in a loving manner. We will talk about them in a loving way remembering who they were and what they stood for. How they make others laugh, their tender heart, and yes, there are even handfuls of people that when they have the met their demise, others will say with their cold uninviting heart, "they deserved what they got" as cold as that is, how mean as that can be, it does happen.

Yet in the world of a parent who suffers the loss of a child not directly to death but indirectly by something more powerful than they ever imagined. I have spoken to so many parents, loved ones, children, especially children in either group settings or one-on-one when we lose our loved one to drugs and alcohol we often feel that death has arrived.

Oh, sure there are groups, rehabs, counseling, interventions, I mean the list can go on and on but the actual end result comes from the one who invited such a tragic life into their own space. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have "forced" Savi into rehab, or into counseling, how many interventions I have been involved in to save her life yet, I was always faced with a child that is now unrecognizable to even her own shadow.

There is something that now occupies one's broken heart when losing a child to drugs and alcohol and it is called "GUILT" we often live with so much guilt and wonder if we ever did enough, if we could of done "THIS" or if we could of done "THAT" we back track our steps asking ourselves, "what could I have done better if not greater to help save my baby?"

You should hear the blame that children put on themselves when they watch their parents wasting away to drugs to alcohol. The children of families always asked me, "if I loved them more would they have not taken that drink or snorted that last line, used that needle, or yelled at me, slapped me, blamed me for their own life, is this my fault?"

I have ultimately blamed myself for more than twenty years on Savi's life. I always said, "if I would have spent more time with her, listened to her better, hugged her more, stopped with the lectures, stopped with the yelling, if I would of laughed with her more, if I would have cried a little more, if I would of fought more, would it really have made a difference?"

Now that I live in a state that is riddled with homeless, people begging for money on the side of the road for their next fix, watching countless people sleeping under plastic bags seeking warmth, how desperate they are for food, how desperate they are for a drink and I am not talking water. I am witnessing them shaking from withdrawals, I have seen them meme, kill, rob others so they can pawn something or sell it on Craigslist in hopes for enough money for their next fix.

Recently Savi made a trip to Oregon to see my parents. Of course, she is going to keep close contact with them because my parents are non-judgmental well at least not her face. There she will be provided money, food, they will take her shopping, yes, they have been the ones who support her indirectly because they love her.

My mom called me four months ago, after Savi visited them. She told me how horrible she looks, how she has gained a lot of weight which my mom feels is from depression. Savi opened up and told my mom that she was rushed to the hospital due to alcohol poisoning and while there, the staff witnessed her literally "coming unglued" as if her body parts were falling all around and there wasn't enough staff members to collect her body parts in the attempt to glue her back together.

Savi was diagnosed as a person with Bi-Polar tendencies, anxiety, depression and that is just to name a few that was rattled off by the hospital psychiatrist. Savi had recently cut once again her arms, her legs, her hands, her everything and once again was placed on a 51/50 suicide attempt.

You see, death doesn't have to be someone buried six feet under in a box, death can actually take hold of your loved one as you watch them suffer while drowning in their own death. We as parents or children of a loved one who suffers from alcohol abuse or drug abuse knows that the Grim Reapers is taking up time and space with your loved one and there is nothing you can do.

Feeling helpless is something very familiar to me. It takes a hold of my heart clenching it in what seems to be this vice so strong that no matter how many times I fight back and when I do, I can feel the vice becoming tighter and tighter and the more I fight to not feeling helpless the worse the pain is in my heart.

I miss her, I miss Savi terribly. I remember watching her as a baby in her swing as I cranked it then giving a gentle push as it cradled her slowly calming a crying baby. I miss hearing her laughter, I miss her reaching her tiny arms up to me telling me "uppie" I miss her arms wrapping around my neck squeezing me so tightly then telling me I was the best mommy.

I have blamed myself for how she turned out for the better part of twenty years now. I have questioned my ability on being a mother. I have struggled with my other two daughters Sara and Sela in providing them with unselfish love. I have gone above and beyond what any other mother will do to ensure that I will not lose my other two to drugs and alcohol.

I have walked through this house wondering what it would be like to have Savi living here, I have sent her text messages on her cellphone telling her how much I love her and how much I miss her and yet, there is no response from her ever.

We know that it is only a matter of time before the Grim Reaper decides he now wants to claim his next victim our loved ones to death. No matter how many times we as parents, loved ones and children fight with every power we have to change the direction that is now about to happen, we cannot. And as he stands before us watching us begging and pleading for more time, we know it will not happen because now time has now become "Time of the Essence"

Every single day of every single waking moment of every single tick of the clock, from every single sunrise to sunset, I hope and pray that Savi will reach out to me and tell me, "I love you mom" would that be her cry for help, would that change the direction of which the Grim Reaper stands?

Or, every single day of every single waking moment of every single tick of the clock from every single sunrise to sunset do we wonder if today will be the day we receive that phone call telling us, "I am sorry to report but we found your (fill in the spaces) dead due to drugs and alcohol.

Losing your loved one to drugs and alcohol is the worst and slowest death that we as loved one, family, and children will ever watch. Losing someone to a car accident where instant death becomes them is far better than watching your loved on slowly die to something more powerful than ever imagined.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Guilty

Okay, I admit it, I wasn't very nice to Harry and I possibly lowered myself to his level while I sought out for more revenge. But as the famous saying goes...

"Hell, have no fury as a scorned woman"

Yet for some reason, I was enjoying watching this man squirm like a worm being sucked out of the ground by a bird! I knew I was doing wrong as well as evil but for some reason I actually thought I was doing what every single woman wanted to do to their husbands yet feared retaliation in some fashion. I wanted to be the one to stand up for all married women who found their husbands cheating on them.

I mean, it's not like I'm seeking recognition for my horrible evil temptress ways, but man oh man, the horrific stories I have heard through the countless wild fire of divorces of scorned women and men always made me so angry. I would watch both men and women dropping tears like a water fountain along with agonizing unruly pain putting so much trust into one person. Handing their lives over to the one they stood up next to in either small gatherings or lavish wedding sharing vows of ever lasting love and togetherness only to find out their spouses have taken up time and space with someone else.

I have heard so many times, "there are no guarantees in life" as much as that may be true, that statement always made me feel as if the ones making such a flipper statement, did they also go into their marriage thinking there is not guarantees, that their marriage could fail? I always believed that when you marry that one person that makes you be a better person, who brings out the best in you, who protects you, is your guiding light through some of the darkest days, your partner, your lover, your everything and then to toss it away in the arms of another, they then deserve exactly what they get.

So, while Harry found the joy in the arms of another, well I felt he deserved what he got and more. And more, is just what I gave him. I played the part very well, I played the part of the doting wife possibly wanting to save her marriage, taking up space and time with him, talking to him for countless hours but in the back of my mind I thought what other evil thing can I do to him?

You see, he would sit there and talk to me as if I was something of value to him, that our marriage meant something but then there were to many times to count where he was supposed to show and take me out and spend time with me and he failed to do so. I had found his phone turned off only because it went straight to voicemail. The many times he failed to call me back and then avoiding me out of guilt. Trust me when I say,  "If someone doesn't want to be found, trust me they will go out of their way NOT to be found!"

Often a few days would go by and still no return call from Harry and while I was mustering up courage to not cry, to often my own tears were mind over matter and then once again, I found myself wiping away my pain. First there was pain, then madness, then revenge. It's just crazy and possibly a little insane of how my mind worked and what torture I wanted to use on him. The more time I spent torturing Harry, the better I got at it. I guess practice does make perfect!

One of those "guilt gift" days I wad of course lavished with the best of the best gifts. Either money, jewelry, perfume, dinners at the best of the best places, and of course I would never ever bring up the fact that he went missing for days. I just picked up where we left off. I loved watching him squirm so unsure what to say to me, how to act, what not to say, and I even toasted to our marriage...

"To the best husband who provides me with love and gratitude." As we would clink our glasses I enjoyed watching him become so uncomfortable almost choking on his own words while trying to engage in a conversation with me. Often, we just sat in silence and me, I just waited and waited for him to start our conversation.

During that evening, he told me he wanted me to meet him for lunch but I told him I didn't have any money for gas and so what does he do? He hands me his company gas card telling me he will get it back from me "tomorrow" but of course I had different plans for that company gas card. This would be the end of all ends of revenge. I now had the goose that laid the golden egg right in the palm of my greedy little hands.

When tomorrow came, I called and cancelled with him telling him of course a blatant lie which I held no guilt over, "Felix never came for Sela and Sara is gone with her friends so I won't be able to meet you for lunch."  

Harry of course didn't have the luxury of coming back over to my home. Nope, Goldie had different plans for him. She wanted to take up space and time with him and I had no problem with that. I would load up the kids and we would go to far off place such as the zoo, the beach, the parks and when my gas was empty, I would stop off at a gas station and load up on a full tank of gas. Day, after day, after day.

Raiza had to go someplace a few days after I had it but she didn't have the money for gas so I took her to the gas station and filled up her car with a full tank of gas. Then my neighbor, and my other neighbor, and so on and so on.

After I had it for two weeks Harry finally called and told me, "I need to get that gas card back from you, your using it to much. My boss is questioning me on why I'm using so much gas in the company car."

I didn't give two-shits what he said and that was when I lowered the boom on him. "Tisk, tisk, you want to the company gas card back. Well, I'm not ready to give it back to you. I guess what I am telling you is you try to take it from me then I will call up your boss right after this phone call is over telling him how you "gave me" the company gas card to use whenever I felt like it, and then you will suddenly be without a job. I'm guessing Goldie won't want you then right? I mean you would be unemployed and the money will stop coming in right?"

Dead silence on the other end of the phone. Not a word from him. So, I paused just as long as him. But I broke silence, "what's wrong Harry, your awfully quiet." I just heard the heavy breathing of anger.

"Your such a bitch."

"Watch out Harry, I hold all the power over your career, if I were you, I would be very nice to me right about now. You even mention of losing this gas card or making it impossible for me to use the card, that is when I call your boss and let him know. So, you want your career to keep growing, well, you better make sure nothing changes, right?"

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and I still held captive the company gas card. Harry of course would do everything in his power to persuade me to give it back yet I refused. When and if I did see Harry, I would hide the card so he couldn't find it or get it from me. Not to long after that I decided to sell the house. I moved to Washington State.

The entire drive up the coast I filled the car up with gas with his company gas card. Harry finally called me when I was settled in telling me his boss bellowed for Harry to come to his office right away. He was asked if he made any current road trips up to the Washington State? Harry said no and well the card was cancelled.  

So, as the threats given to Harry months before, I followed through. I faxed a copy of the gas card to his boss telling him of Harry giving me the card and how long I had it and he told me I could use it as long as I want and as much as I wanted to.

Harry was fired that day! He lost out on everything, and when he called me and told me how horrible I was to him I just told him to go cry in the arms of the woman he shared his life with. I hung up my phone filed for divorce finally and our divorce was over six months later.


Do I feel guilty for having such a twisted mind bringing Harry to his very knees? NO! Should I? Possibly.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Start....Delete....Start....Delete




My Beautiful Baby Sela


I have started this post so many times, over and over, "type words....delete....type words....delete" because right about now there are a million words floating through my head which are popping out at me and I know what I want to say, I am just so unsure and so frightened to say them. I am faced with frustration, anger, resentment, fear, and there is nothing I can do about it. Absolutely...NOTHING!

We as parents have this animal like instinct to protect our children no matter what happens. It starts from the very minute we bring our babies into the world. From the minute our babies are placed into our arms seconds after giving birth, there is this automatic connection we never knew we could ever experience ever. A love and bond is born, a love that runs deeper then bluest of ocean waters, there is a such a sense of that human love and beauty we never knew ever had.

When our child or children are inflicted in such a horrific pain we know what we want to say, we know what we want to do and for some reason it just seems as if we struggle to make sense of the whole thing.


There is no rhyme or reason

There is always that one topic that kids today are faced with each and every single day of their young lives. It is a topic that can take a child or young teen into the very depths of some of the darkest places of their young lives. I am talking BULLYING!

My daughter Sela was and still is the most sensitive child and I am sure there are thousands no, millions of children in this cold mean world that are just as sensitive as Sela. I remember when Sela was young and a stranger even glanced her way or complimented on how cute she was she would just begin to scream then dropping her crocodile tears. She would hide behind me or her father Felix.

Sela with her dad Felix

Once we moved up here to Washington State, Sela left behind her dad Felix and she was not ready or set for the change or what would come down the pike of her life and well to be honest, neither was I. It's not that I thought she was invincible to bad things happening to her, it's just that I like everyone else in the world always thought, "that could never happen to me, maybe someone else, but not us"


Gaiser School  4th Grade 2010

She had adjusted to her new school and surroundings in time just as any other child at a new school, new set of friends, just new everything. We left sunny California for a better life and to be closer to my parents. Soon Sela hit fourth grade an that was when everything changed.

She began acting different. She became defiant, she became more quiet then normal. She became withdrawn and she never wanted to ever wander out of my sight or far from me. It was as if she became Velcro to my side. I kept asking her over and over countless times, "are you sure there is nothing you want to talk about, share, because baby, you can tell me anything" and it was always the same answer..."no, I'm fine" her whole personality changed from laughter of my silly stupid jokes to never smiling. Sela began hiding out in her room and of course Sara was more than willing to pipe up her thoughts of Sela learning about herself and just to give Sela space.

I tried talking to Felix about it and he too said the same thing, "your worrying about nothing, stop trying to make something out of nothing."  But as a mother, her protector, her guiding light of life, I knew better, I knew that something was wrong. Oh sure, I was told I was being paranoid, I was over exaggerating and being paranoid myself.

That was when I noticed she wanted to change her appearance. She wanted new clothes, she wanted a different backpack, she wanted different shoes, She wanted a different haircut. She wanted everything new and she was going to fight like it was her last breath to make that happen. For everything new thing that she had it never seemed to be good enough. She would come home telling me how stupid it was to carry her now new backpack that cost me $34.99 to now wanting one that was $125.00 and her reasoning was, "because it's cool and that is what all the other kids are using." she wanted what was just days old to newer things over and over.

Financially I just couldn't seem to keep up with what her demands were and when I told her, "no Sela, we just bought everything (shoes, jeans, shirts, backpack, lunch pail, hair cut, etc. etc.) a couple of days ago and I am not going to go out and buy you more things."

Sela would go into a tailspin panic. She stopped wanting to go to school she wanted to change schools and yet still I could never see the writing on the walls. Then one day while with Sara and Sela we headed to Walmart and I heard Sela ask Sara to go check something in the toy department. As I watched them both walk away I felt a sense of relief of being able to shop for what I came for. Both of my daughters were not gone very long and when they returned I could see the blank frightened look on Sara's face. I looked at Sela and then I could tell that she had been crying. Her face was red, her eyes bloodshot, her forehead strained from crying.

I asked what happened and Sara told me we had to leave right then and there. Sela clung to Sara wrapping her arms tightly around her waist like a vice grip clamping something together. I kept asking patiently what happened and then my patience turned to demanding to know. Sara just kept telling me we had to leave and we needed to leave right then and there. So, we left. I dropped my goods I wanted to purchase and walked out then got into the car. Sara told me to go home and she would talk about it at home.

Sela sat in the back seat by herself twisting and turning her hands which were now sweaty. She began to cry again over and over tears and snot joining each other then dropping to her jeans. Once we got home my patience was even worse and really demanded to know. That was when Sara lowered the boom on me!

"Sela told me in the toy department at Walmart that three girls at school were bullying her every single day. These three girls called her fat, ugly, that she needed to kill herself, she was a joke, that no on liked her at school, how they would walk by during lunch and toss her lunch to the ground  then kicking it across the room."

I of course wanted to jump into action. I demanded to know who these girls were, what their names were, what grade they were in. Then I was struck with stupidity, I didn't know what to say, I mean I knew what I wanted to say yet for some reason it just wasn't coming out the right way. Anger set in, and when anger sets in with me, I am impossible to reason with.

Talking to the Principle

The next day I decided to keep Sela home from school so that she could spend the day with Sara and myself. Sela was so relived to not go to school and stay home. I was determined to talk to the principal that morning and that is just what I did. Okay, so I was teaching her to hide out and not handle the situation I just wanted to give her a break, give her some breathing room.

I drove to Gaiser school parked and then stormed my way into the front doors of the school. Lucy the principal was in a meeting and I just didn't care. I felt as if the school secretary was making excuses and I was not going to be excused. I was not going to leave my name and number for her to call me which we all know that never happens.

So, I stormed my way into her office and low and behold there I found Lucy the school principal eating her morning bagel and reading the morning paper. Lucy demanded to know what was going on an when I sat down lunging into my conversation she just blew me off.

"Wait, you come through my office door as if your going to take it off the hinges and your worried about your daughter being bullied?"

I was floored at her reaction, shocked actually because during this time in 2010, there were over 4,000 students that ended their lives stretching from the far corners of the United States to the four corners of the world took their lives due to bullying from another student. Those 4,000 students that I am talking about happened within a six month period of 2010 alone.

"Your acting like a lunatic in my office and I don't appreciate it. I mean if my two sons came home from school and told me that they were being bullied what am I supposed to do coddle them, hold them, or should I tell them to stand up for themselves? You want me to put a stop to this? Why didn't Sela come talk to me about this?"

I went into her office prepared with stats, stories, the number of kids that killed themselves due to bullying and she just turned her nose up to it. She acted as if I was boring her.

"Because I know deep down inside, you just don't care do you?" and with that sneered look on her face she just gazed at me like I was a bad habit. I reached across her desk to her newspaper and shifted through the stack then pulling out the "JOBS" section slamming it onto her desk then leaning in I took in a heavy breath then growled the deepest form I could staring her down...

"You my dear bitch, you can consider yourself FIRED!" that was when she thought she could stare me down but I held my ground. I was not going to give in. The "Mama Bear" had come alive and I was going to stop her at all cost. Lucy told me that she had a contract with Gaiser and before she could finish her sentence I walked around and got into her face and told her...

"Contracts are meant to be broken or burned, you will be fired, you will be replaced by the end of the week and if your not, I will sue the shit out of this school and don't think I won't. And, I will win because I always do."

I went home and contacted the school district told them what happened, what Lucy said. Lucy was replaced two days later with a new principal that had ZERO tolerance to bullying. Yep, she got fired!


How Dark Can Dark Really Get?

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Taking Control

There comes a time in every one's life when they have just had enough. It's not a feeling of being defeated, no, its greater than that. It is a feeling of taking back the control in your life. My life was no different. For some reason I felt like it was similar to the water swirling down the toilet just going round and round swirling faster and faster creating a tornado like image.

I have seem to lose all the control over my life, my marriage, myself, my kids, and what pissed me off more was Raiza's voice echoing in my head so loud, "you never should of ran off and married him, you went to fast, you should of slowed down."

There was so little respect for me from Sara. I could tell that she felt alone once again and I knew just what I had to do. After Harry came inside from speaking to Goldie he appeared to be even more confused than when went outside. I could instantly tell he was filled with regret, he would never admit it but I could tell. I could also tell that there was still love in his heart for her. I actually believed he loved her far more than he loved me. I was even beginning to wonder if he felt as if he made a mistake marrying me and not her.

I was never more scared in my life, here I was about to end something I wanted so badly but at what cost? First I lose Savi to drugs and alcohol and now with the house so empty without her and currently Sara feeling so alone I had made a mess of my life once again. But I knew what I had to do. I had to take that break from Harry. First, to let me figure out what I wanted to do, second, to make Sara feel like she was the most important figure in my life.

Sara put up with so much crap while I spent five years chasing Savi to save her life and look where that got me, a daughter gone, a daughter that I truly believed hated me more than the Devil could ever hate someone. I was learning very quickly that when one signs their name on the dotted line giving up their soul to be with someone, feeling any remorse or pain just seemed to be obsolete.

I mean Sara taught Sela to crawl, to eat with a spoon, to sit up, to walk, it was as if she was a built in Nanny and I took advantage of it because I spent five years chasing Savi to save her life. It seemed that I just put Sara's youngest years on hold and then when Harry came along, I did the same thing. I put Sara's feelings of me getting married on hold. It was as if I didn't care how she felt or thought.

I remember when Harry looked at me with such a crazed look in his face when I finally got the nerve up to say, "I need a break, I need to reel in the reins of my life and take control because right now, things are so out of control I just can't take it anymore."

My heart was just breaking at the fact that I told him to leave. I knew just where Harry was going to go, he was going to run right back her Goldie. I mean its not like he was going to get a place of his own and try to make our marriage work. Nope, he was going to go back to her. My brother once told me that I loved to Micro Manage everything and everyone and I never really understood what he meant until right then and there when I realized how I had micro-managed Harry and everyone else around me.

I began pulling his clothes out of the closet and laying them on the bed. Harry just sat on the side of the bed watching me never saying a word. I didn't know what to say anymore than he did. I just made sure to never look at him because I would of thrown all caution to the wind and begged and pleaded for him to love me, to stay with me to pick me once again. Once I was done in the closet I went for the drawers taking out his underwear, his shirts, shorts, sweatpants, and then I turned to him, I could see the sadness in his eyes almost wanting to apologize and as I cleared my throat I told him, "she's waiting for you, so go to her. You know you want too."

I don't know what I was expecting, I don't know if I wanted Harry to yell or beg to stay, or tell me how much he wanted this marriage, I just didn't know but I do know I didn't expect him to just take his things and pile them into his car and drive off. But, that is just what he did. Once he was gone everyone came to my room to make sure I was okay. I wanted to cry but I just couldn't.

I do know that I apologized to Sara profusely telling her that it is just her and me and Sela and it was going to stay that way. God if I had a camera at that very moment. You should of seen the huge smile on her face. She was beaming with happiness. My guilt was beginning to flood my heart when I saw her so happy. All I ever wanted my whole life was to be married, have kids, friends, a wonderful life and mine was the absolute opposite.

So, I spent my entire time with Sara and Sela. I dedicated every waking moment to them. I took Sara to school and picked her up and she just loved that. I told Felix to stop coming over and seeing Sela so much that I wanted to spend time with her and he was more than happy to do that. I began cooking dinners again, helping Sara with her homework, spending time with Raiza and her family, but still deep inside I was missing Harry so much but I never told a sole.

Weeks had gone by not hearing a thing from Harry. We just never called each other and finally I broke down and told my parents that Harry had moved out. My mom and dad were so pissed. They of course blamed me for my failed marriage. That was my fault because I never told them of Harry's infidelity. I had every chance to tell them but I was so worried about him not being accepted or loved. Yep, I did the opposite, I made Harry sound so wonderful, so amazing, so worthy, and each time I did that I was setting myself up for failure.

I tried sharing with my mom about Goldie and she still blamed me for not giving him space. For each attack of her own words, I defended myself but her anger, venom and sharp tone just beat me to the ground. It's a good thing my parents were living in Oregon and me in California. Can you imagine if I had to see them? Wow!

It had been just about twelve weeks since Harry and I had separated. During those twelve weeks I just felt like Zombie. Oh sure, I was going through all the motions of being a mom, having coffee with Raiza, cleaning the home but inside I was just dying. If I even brought up the topic of Harry with Raiza I was condoned for marrying him and if I tried talking to my mom about my pain she just kept throwing it in my face how the whole failed marriage was my fault. 

I went through the bits of anger of Harry putting me in the position he did and then I transferred that anger to myself allowing myself to fall for him. I just kept bouncing the imaginary ball back and forth, angry at Harry then angry at myself. Forgiving myself when selling my soul to the Devil was one of the hardest things I could ever do. I wasn't nearly to do that so I just kept punishing myself over and over telling myself how horrible a person I was, how I was the "other woman" how I broke up a seven year relationship, how I allowed Harry to do this, and that, and this, and that.  

Going into my fourteenth weeks without him seemed like years, the days seemed long and actually boring now. Out of nowhere my phone rang. I glanced at it ready "Harry Hubby". He asked if Sara was at school and I told him yes wondering where he was going with this, then he asked about Sela if she was with Felix and once again I told him yes. Then it dawned on me, he wanted to see me.

I said no and yet he still continued day after day. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted but in the mean time I was going to file for divorce. I wanted to be weak, I wanted to crumble, I wanted to take him back so bad, but I knew it would just crush Sara.

So, that one morning when I took Sara to school and Felix came to get Sela, I was actually home alone. I had planned on going grocery shopping but when Felix came to get Sela he never left me my child support and my food stamps wasn't going to be available for another week. There was a knock at the front door and when I opened it surprise! Harry.

He said he wanted to talk to me to halt the divorce to think about it. I never asked where he was living and he never volunteered the information. He asked what I was going to do that day and I told him I wanted to do grocery shopping but I didn't have any money. And the guilt gifts began once again.

Harry took his money clip out of his suit pockets and handed me $600.00 and told me to go to the store. He just turned and left. He never said a word to me. I was shocked here I was standing there with $600.00 and not sure what to do.

So, I went shopping for food.  

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Modern World

So I decided to go off the grid a little bit and give my devastating story a break. After going over my journals and seeing what I have endured and things I have made others endure, I believe depression has taken it toll. Through all this self-realization of who I am and what made me be the hard-core and jagged-edged woman I am today has left me puzzled and I am sure many others.

It's crazy having three daughters, one of which I have no communication with whatsoever. But of course, having two that near and dear to me have taught me a few things about "LOVE" which I always thought I would be teaching them.

After Harry, I decided to dedicate my life to both of my daughters Sela and Sara. So, I gave up the dating arena and became a full time mom to two amazing girls. Sara after a few years told me I needed to go on a dating website and hopefully find love once again. I of course was reluctant in finding love in such a profound way.

I mean whatever happened to meeting someone by chance? Of course there are "plenty" of women who have a friend of a friend of a friend who ends up telling this person, "Oh my God, you need to meet this guy, he is just amazing, he is successful, has a great job, a home of his own, super family, and he is just an all around great guy." So, the one telling you this is of course single and doesn't it make you wonder why "she" doesn't go after him? I mean come on, if he is so "amazing" why would she try to pawn this man off onto her dear friend? What is so bad about him that she doesn't take a stab at him?

So, Sara of course keeps egging me on to go on these dating websites and finally I give in and put myself out there. It is just amazing what crawls out from the woodwork on a dating website. I have gone on free dating websites and websites I have paid for. Why is it when a woman or man (I don't want to be unfair in the dating world) seem to believe that once a date is made and both of you end up meeting for the most BORING and ALWAYS planned date, "dinner" or a "movie".

I once told a man to plan our date, not leave it up to me. I wanted to see his creativity, I wanted to see what he could bring to the table, and you know what? He couldn't think of a damn thing. He was shocked that I put the idea up to him. He kept calling me, "I just can't think of anything to do, why can't you do this?" I stayed true to who I was and what I wanted and stayed steadfast with no you plan it.

I have always believed that a movie for the first date is the worst of worst plans. You cannot get to know someone in a dark movie house unless you plan on sitting in the back row and just begin to paw at each other like dogs in heat. Of course your going to get eye-balled and possibly the always used sound of "SHHHH" and dinner on the first date is not always the best either. What if you don't like the way he/she chews their food? You know that when you go out to dinner on the first date the lady is going to order a salad it never fails. The man is going to want to order a steak and what if your a vegan at heart?

Yesterday I had to take Sara to urgent care due to her having the flu for almost a month. While we were in there she was telling me of the few men that she had met on the ever so famous "swipe left or swipe right" site. Of course I got the lecture of me spending to much time with Sela and I need to put myself out there once again.

Well the free dating websites just SUCK and I could sit and tell you all the many reasons why they suck but I won't bore you with the details but I will tell you this, I have had men ask me to pick them up at the BUS STOP or I have had men ask me to pick them up, pay for dinner, I even had a guy fall in love with me two seconds after meeting me. The man that fell in love with me seconds later he of course planned the boring date DINNER! He got so pissed off that the food server stood next to me to take our order that he actually said, "why do you have to stand next to my woman, you should be standing next to the me, the man of the relationship" I was humiliated, I was embarrassed, I was just shocked. The four people sitting next to us even turned their heads to see who said that. He even got pissed off and accused me wanting to cheat on him twenty minutes after knowing him.

So, I told him I had to use the bathroom, gathered my purse, ran to the front door and slipped the host fifteen bucks and told him, "you never saw me leave, you have no idea where I went, get it?" the host even asked me why I was with the man I was with he told me that I can get any guy I wanted and why him. I knew right then and there I was pathetic.

It is just crazy how this modern world of love has turned. There is of course the danger of falling for someone on a dating website and for me, I have to much to lose. I have listened to stories on the news of women who have met men on dating websites and actually ended up dead, beaten or raped, yet, then again, there are women who have the most amazing gorgeous man standing next to them sharing how they met on a dating website and then I pause and wonder, "why can't I meet someone like that, what's wrong with me, is it my wording on my dating website that makes sound awful, is it how I describe myself, do I sound desperate, do I sound sad?"

Why can't finding love be just by chance? You know, in the grocery store and you both pass each other while catching the eye of each other. Or when your standing in line at the bank, or you get locked out and someone out of the blue comes to your rescue and helps you get back into your home. You strike up a conversation with your knight in shining armor and soon you find out there is a connection between you both.

What about when your at a red light and you look up and see some hunky man watching you. I cannot begin to share how many men I have met on dating websites that are actually married, they are bored with their marriage and want something that their wife isn't giving them so they cheat. They say, "it's cheaper to stay married".

Sara is just like me, so much like me it frightens me. She is the hopeless romantic, she is the one that believes love is there for her and she just struggles to find it. She falls in love fast and hard and yet when she does her heart is broken, shattered in a way that takes her to her very knees and then she suffers in silence.

As the famous saying goes..."Like Mother Like Daughter" Okay, I wasn't the best role model possibly, children do learn what they see and yes I too want to be in love, I want to be loved, I want to be appreciated, I want a man to see behind the extra weight and the bumps and lumps after having three kids or the boobs that now resemble a woman in the National Geographic Magazine from Africa.

So, yesterday I put myself out there once again on the famous "Swipe Right/Swipe Left" and of course Sara tells me right away, "mom, they are "hook-ups" they are men and women looking for just a one night stand, nothing really comes of that so just be careful."

Women go to bed to fall in love and men go to bed to have sex. I have never understood why a woman feels that giving it up on the first date is the best thing. I mean why would a man want to come back? Didn't he get what he wanted? Whatever happened to the mystery of the woman and getting to know her? I have never called a man ever! I have always felt that if a man wants to talk to me he will. He has my number, he knows how to use the phone I mean he called me before so I know he knows how to use the phone. I have never chased a man nor will I ever chase a man.

I know myself worth and I know what I can bring to any relationship. I am very old fashion and I feel that the "old fashion" has been tossed right out of the window like last weeks trash when it comes to getting to know a man or woman. I have always felt like when a man wants to get to know a woman it is like visiting a used car lot. I mean let's be honest, call a spade a spade, there is maybe 2% virgins left in this world so when I am talking "used" I am certainly not talking about a beaten down woman who stands on the corner to make a living, no, I am talking about a woman who is experienced in life, love, and the idea of falling in love.

So, the man views the woman as the "used car" he likes to check the tires to see how many miles are on her, checks her upholstery, lifts the hood to check the engine and he takes for a spin (which I refer to as the "date") and if she puts out and is good at putting out then he MIGHT stay. 9/10 a man will NOT stay, I mean why would he? He got what he came for didn't he? You know that he is going to go and "test drive" other cars right?

Okay, so possibly there are women out there that don't mind one night stands or don't mind putting out on the first date, but what do they really get from it? Possibly a visit to the free clinic to learn that yes they have an STD that is really bad. Or, maybe the worst, AIDS!

Try telling this to a 25 year old daughter and that is when I am faced with, "mom, mom, your so old fashion, times have changed, get with the time mom." My daughter has paid for dinners, weekend trips, drinks, and the men that she occupies her time with actually let her.

A real man, and I am talking a "real man" would NEVER let a woman pay for anything yet when a man opens his wallet and pays for the weekend trips, or dinner and drinks, why do they expect thing back in return? Why can't someone just take someone out and get to know them? Get to know what makes someone tick, why they believe in what they believe in, their dreams, their hopes, and most of all...."LISTEN"

Take your time sweet daughter of mine, get to know what the man has to offer, get to know what they can bring to the world, your world, your space and time. Do you feel safe, do you feel appreciated, do you get the butterflies before he shows up, does he make you smile, does he understand your passions in life, when you drop your sweet tears does he hold you and comfort you, or does he belittle you making you feel awkward? Does or can he put you on a pedestal and treat you like the woman you deserve to be?

My Beautiful Daughter Sara




Monday, March 6, 2017

What are you searching for?

I would say that some if not most people are faced with the dilemma of searching for something that they feel is missing from their life. I have questioned many people every day simple questions regarding family, friends, and loved ones but then I hit them with..

1. When planning your life, did it end up the way you anticipated it to be?
2. Are you in a better place or do you think you deserve more?
3. Are you in a happy place or do you feel something is missing in your life?

When I always ask those three questions I am always faced with major concerned looks and often they ponder on the question if in fact their lives are exactly where they thought it would be. One man simply told me he was exactly where he thought he would end up. He graduated college, found the love of his life, had a high executive job, was making TONS of money, and yet, as I watched him get into his car a beaten down Ford Taurus that was literally duck tapped in multiple places, I wondered if he was speaking of dream of what he really wanted.

I know for myself, if someone would of told me that my life would end up the way it is now when I was much younger, I never would of ever believed them. Wouldn't it be nice to have a crystal ball that we could look into the future of what our life would be like so that one could prepare for it? If someone would of told me that I would end up a single mother of three girls, five divorces, living on pennies each month, food stamps, and state health care, I would never believe them.

You see, I am the hopeless romantic and I believe I always will be. I am the one that believes in marriage still even after five divorces, I still believe at my age (almost 56) that there is some man out there for me. Oh sure, he will need to peel my onion gently with love an patience as he makes his way to my center. Now after living alone for countless years, I have developed a very hard core to my onion resulting in an independence that is often most crippling for any man to get close to me.

Maybe....Someday

The Night with Harry

That night with Harry sitting at the dining room table and he wanting to talk about why I ruined his night I sat listening to the total silence in the house. It was after midnight and not a sound in the house. With Savi gone now and living in Maine Sela now traded my office for her own bedroom. It seemed so foreign to me to have only two daughters in the house now.

And to be perfectly honest, I was more than glad, no, I was relieved to have all the drama of Savi gone. There was no longer the tension in the room when both of us were together. Dio had managed to come visit a couple of times after she left asking how she was and if she was okay.

I could see the broken heart through his eyes and how much he missed her. After Christmas and a new year starting, Savi and Dio had a horrible break up it was just one fight after the next. Savi was so guarded from anyone or anything getting close to her.

I even questioned myself if I even loved any longer. They say a mother's love shall never die but mine for Savi suffered so greatly it was as if I was struggling to breath, struggling to live, I was being tortured by her and yet, I learned so much from her which of course I was now using against Harry.

Did I feel bad torturing Harry, not really, it almost felt good to have the upper hand to cause this man pain, to put this man in his place. I almost wanted to believe that I was doing this for all the women in the world that suffered from a cheating spouse.

Harry just continued to sit and sip his tea when I finally asked him why he wanted me to stay with him at the kitchen table. He never really answered me. I could however sense the guilt that he was having, I could tell he was so troubled for loving me and Goldie at the same time. Hell, why not, as I posted earlier, what he wasn't getting from me, he would get from Goldie and vice versa. So, I finally spoke. I had redemption in my heart and, I was going to use it.

"So Harry, I have now pulled the welcome mat out from both doors that you often enter into. I am no longer going to be your welcome mat. For what its worth, I'm not even sure I want this marriage anymore."

Harry still never said a word he would just sit and sip and often gaze at me and when I told him that its not like I was expecting him to drop to the ground and beg for forgiveness or expected him to unload his cheating heart and how long he had actually been with her, it was how I felt.

I had finally come to the realization that with Savi gone and my life much simpler now, I was free from the negativity of everything and I wanted to dump the thousand-pound weight of Harry off my back. I still never told my parents what Harry was doing by cheating on me, they just continued to believe I had found this awesome man, this man that they were just over the top excited I found a great guy. With all the drama going on with Savi and the countless arrest, the drugs, the alcohol abuse, the adoption, I wasn't about to pull the rug out from their feet.

I remember Harry finally looking at me and then sharing about his family. Why his family, I had no idea where he was even going with this.

"My brother cheated on his wife three times and yet they still managed to work things out and she gave him chance after chance and finally he realized what he wanted all along, it was his wife. My mom cheated on my dad four times and then he finally left but later they got back together and then remarried and now they have been happily married. It seems that cheating just runs in my family. My other two brothers cheated on their wives, cousins cheating on each other, my son cheating on his wife, yet the only one, the one that never did ever cheat on anyone was my daughter."

I sat stunned at his statement, what he was sharing, I was just dumbfounded how much his family was really messed up. Hell, I thought my life was a mess but that explains a lot. It told me why Harry was more than willing to be with me and living the life I did with Savi was just a walk in the park for Harry.

I still sat there not sure what to say I am sure I had a confused look on my face and I was trying to play it cool but I just couldn't let it go.

"And what does your family have to do with us, are you trying to find excuses for why you do what you do? I'm confused are you confessing or sharing?

Harry just threw his head back than let out a huge sigh, "My goodness my love..." I stopped him right there dead in his tracks.

"You have no right to call me your "love" because a man who really loves his wife would never do what you did so please reframe from calling me "your love." My heart was sinking so fast for feeling any empathy for him. As a matter of fact, I growing more angrier by the second. Him calling me "his love" just made me want to puke.

"Harry if your heart is so torn and so broken and confused about your future with Goldie prior to being with me, wait, hold on, was I deciding factor of you cheating? You and you alone have put me in the position I swore to myself, my family, and my friends I would never be, "the other woman" yet, I still kick myself each and every day that you're not here. What, you think I don't know where you are or what you're doing? I know your screwing her, I may be younger than you but that doesn't make me stupid." I told him now shouting so loudly I could have woken not only my girls but my neighbors as well.

I got up leaving the kitchen table then storming off to the bedroom that we shared, that we talked about intimate things, did intimate things to each other, I allowed this man to have every inch of my body and try things I have never done sexually. I opened myself up and made myself vulnerable to him thinking and praying it would make him love me more. Once in the bedroom I slammed the door shut so hard it rattled all the windows in the house.

I heard chairs shuffling in the kitchen than footsteps pounding the floor. The bedroom door swung open with Harry yelling, "I'm not done talking to you yet." 

"I'm trying to share to you how I feel and you go spouting off your anger. Just listen to me." Harry shouted to me.

"No Harry, I'm tired and to be quite frank, I'm exhausted, why not just go back to "HER" I mean she is stupid enough to take you back, I was too, but you know what, my eyes are open now and I refuse to turn to my back on your weakness and just "accept it" any longer. Go do what you do best, break hearts, lie, cheat, and steal, no, rob women of their hearts for loving you."

"Wow, you really know how to be a bitch don't you?" Harry just began to get undressed and then climb into bed. I was kind of shocked he wanted to stay. So, I just climbed into bed also but I made sure to tell him to not touch me, and then I reminded him, "don't forget to put your phone on silent, turn it off or turn it over so I can't see Goldie calling you. I mean you have been doing it for so long now I just wanted to give you a quick reminder."

The Knock at the Door

I was woken to the sound of the hand knocking in the bedroom door. It was Sara and she was telling us that someone woman was at the front door demanding to talk to Harry. I knew who it was, it was Goldie. Harry climbed out of bed and I watched him shocked and very nervous that Goldie had shown up at my house. What pissed me off was how she found me, did he intentionally do this so that she could find him? Was this a set up for me?

Sara just kept asking who she was and why Harry was outside fighting with this woman. Sara had no idea what Harry was up to. I tried really hard to keep it from her but sometimes I always wondered if she just figured it out and never said a word to me or if she really didn't know. You see I never really saw Goldie or what she even looked like. Both of their voices were raising and I just continued to watch from the living room window. I was soon noticing many who walked by stopped to watch the fight and some even from the windows of their home.

I finally had enough, I was done. Sara was confused, Felix was on his way over for Sela, and I was just becoming embarrassed. Raiza got wind of the fight and of course she came flying over from across the street coming in the back door asking me if I was okay.

Goldie was this short oversized wrinkled woman that had boobs that hung down to her waist. She had this unruly fake blonde hair that was just a mess, her makeup was plastered on so thick one could scrap it off with a putty knife. If her pants were any tighter she would begin busting through them if she took one more step. She was hopelessly unattractive and I wondered what Harry saw in her or if she just gave good blowjobs.

I finally had enough of both of them yelling. I stormed outside and when I finally confronted her I let into her.

"You have no right to be at my home with husband." Right when I said that it was as if Goldie was just gasping for air. Her face turned pale white, she just stood there her mouth hung open, her eyes beginning to fill with tears and then dropping running down her face.

She turned to mem than to Harry than back to me, "your, your, married, you got married? What the hell, when did you do that asshole, when did you marry this slut, this woman who broke up our relationship?" Boy the piss and vinegar that was overflowing in my body, my bladed tongue came to life.

"Must not of been a very good relationship bitch, because he married ME! which looking at you," I snickered staring at her sizing her up, "your fucking road kill, your a beaten down old bitch, why would he want you when he can have THIS!"

Harry began yelling at me than back at Goldie than back at me. He was trying to gain control of the situation but I was so far gone with anger and to be honest, I didn't care what it did to her. I was on a mission, a mission to torture Harry.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Moving On

Okay, so I took deceit and betrayal of Harry and used it against him in one of the most worst places one can possibly even think of. Humiliating him in front of all his co-workers, peers, and other top executives was probably the worst time to share or better yet, expose Harry for who he was.

Once the word got out that evening about Harry's infidelity and all eyes were upon him in a room of maybe 175 people, for some reason I just didn't feel bad. I certainly wasn't expecting to feel the way I did either. I didn't feel guilty that's for sure, I know that for that brief moment I felt like the fat cat who sat in the corner with a feather hanging out of my mouth ready to burp from eating the canary.

What happened was the wives and girl friends that attended that night all of their eyes were on me, I felt as if they were mocking me and when I excused myself from Harry making my way to the ladies room I entered into a room of even more ladies talking about what I just did. Oh believe me, I brought down the house and I did it in a way similar to a tornado leaving nothing but shambles of a person's dignity behind.

Once inside the ladies room it fell completely silent I could feel every ladies eyes burning through my entire body. The one's who were putting lipstick stopped in mid-motion looking at me through the reflection of the mirror. Finally a lady I had never met before approached me..

"Well, I have to say this, you got balls bigger than a bull. But, you spoke for all the wives and girl friends who found out they were being cheated on and never said a word out of fear but I bet it felt good. I mean to take someone down on a night like this, you must of planned this."

I didn't know if they were proud of me or insulted by me. I felt as if the ladies room was getting smaller and smaller as the ladies began to gather around me.

I was then pounded with question after question asking how I knew, when did I find out, why do I stay, what was the purpose of doing this, did it feel good, and I think the best question was, what was my next move? I know there is such a fear of confronting a cheat spouse. There is the fear of being alone, the fear of starting over, the fear of going through a nasty divorce, separating the kids, finances, so many couples stay in a unloving relationship.

I had a very dear friend of mine who lived in Baltimore. We talked all the time and yes, he too was a cheating spouse. Oh, never with me, I knew better but then that but  I asked him one day why he stays in such an unloving marriage? He just danced around the answer never really giving me one. So, then I just told him what everyone feared ever saying...

"You're just in a marriage of convenience and because it is, it doesn't bother you to cheat or lie or steal emotionally or mentally from the other person."

Once my friend heard that, he was pissed but as I always say, "if you get so pissed by what I say then there is some truth to the statement a truth you fight to understand, truth to your own self that you refuse to take notice and do something about."

Some lady entered the ladies room telling me that Harry was looking for me because he no longer wanted to stay in a room he now was brought down to his very knees by me. Yep, the famous Harry was quickly no rapidly becoming less and less famous. The lady told me he looks pissed and wants me to hurry up. I didn't bother to hurry, I just took my time. I was not about to rush to make him happy, I did that for the past five months. I couldn't believe he was pissed.

All the ladies turned to see what I was going to say about Harry wanting me to hurry, they all wondered what I was going to do. I ultimately did nothing really, I just picked up my pocketbook excused myself and left the room where I found Harry standing outside the door.

Once I saw him my cold bitter attitude was very noticeable. Harry was fuming mad, he told me in a snickering stare and rumbled voice that we were leaving.

"Thanks for ruining my night, the one night that actually meant something to me, a night that was the pinnacle of my career." I remember just pressing my lips together in order to shut my blade like tongue shooting Harry a look of disgust.

"Well, if you have something to say Mrs. Meijer, say it in the car please not here." All he kept saying over and over was how he was embarrassed and humiliated and I was sick and tired of hearing it not just from him but from everyone else. As he stood there looking at me there was this pitiful look of sadness washing over on his face. It seemed as if tears were about to fall and I just didn't care. I was mad at myself for allowing this man to do what he does but I was equally more upset of putting up with his escapades.

Harry turned his back to me making his way through the room and me following and that was when I noticed once again all eyes where upon him watching him leave. He never picked up his multiple awards that he won. He left them sitting on the table that we were assigned. I paused wondering why he didn't get them so I picked them up and carried them outside with me. Once we were outside and in the car driving home I was expecting Harry to drop me off and leave but he didn't. We both entered the silent house. Sara and Sela were sleeping and the house was completely dark.

Harry turned on the kettle to make tea and I just went to the room to get undressed into my night clothes. Harry stayed in the kitchen not saying a word. I didn't know exactly what to do so I went back to the kitchen finding any excuse to be in the same space as Harry. I was wondering if he was going to say anything to me. My stomach was quivering with nerves, my mouth was feeling bitter and sour you know that feeling, the feeling you get right before your throw up.

Harry cleared his throat then he turned to me with tears streaming down his face I guess I was supposed to feel bad but for some reason I just didn't. I didn't reach for him to console him, I wanted to be consoled, I never reached for him to hold him I wanted to be held, I never offered an apology, I wanted the apology. I felt I deserved all that and so much more but I guess we both owed each other that. I just wasn't ready to do all that yet.

"Well, if you planned on humiliating me, you did it, I hope your proud of yourself. You took the one night..." I put up my hand to stop Harry from speaking. If I heard one more time how I took his night and ruined it I was going to scream.

"I know, I know the one night that meant something to you. But do you have any mental concept of what you took from me, do you, I mean do you have any logic in your head of what you did to our marriage, to our lives together, and here you stand pissed that I ruined your night. Wow your real piece of work Harry, I will say this though, it must suck to be you."

"Wow, if you couldn't get any worse, you just did. Thanks."

"Your welcome." I was growing angrier and angrier from each word he spoke and I was sorry I even went back into the kitchen. What I should of done was just go to bed and leave him alone. But as the woman who was determined to manipulate him, to hurt him, I just couldn't bring myself to leave.

Harry finished making himself tea and I finally gave up. I was heading to my room when he stopped me by grabbing my hand but I swiftly pulled it out of his. "You don't deserve to touch me, your hands have touched another woman, your lips and body have touched another woman. I will say this, if and only if, you want this marriage to work, to heal, you better kick that tramped slut to the curb and stop being a tramped and slutty man."