Sunday, February 5, 2017

We all have at one point

We have at some point fell victim to feeling violated. The woman that goes on her first date only to feel that suddenly her date with two hands miraculously grew twelve more while trying to cop a feel. The police officer that stops you then brow beats you into the point of making you feel awkward and incompetent.

Once we feel violated it can and will take us off our guard often it can cripple us while trying to gain some sense of control once again. It can cause our hearts to race, our minds to become fumbled while sorting out what just happened. Feeling violated can and will make us feel like the rug was just pulled out from under our very feet. But the real question is...once we do feel violated, how soon can we forgive the one that caused that feeling? Do we forgive and are we supposed to?

Cassandra's Interruption 

I wanted to reach through the phone and just choke Cassandra for causing me to become alienated from my daughter more than what we already were. My thinking was foggy, my sense of being empathic and understanding were long gone. Since Savi began acting out causing grief and pain to not only me but everyone else, not one person wanted to listen to me or understand my thinking how I felt or what I was trying to accomplish. I was never on anyone's bad side but trust me there were many times I could of been.

I felt as if I was struggling to make some sense of everything. I had never felt so violated by everyone. Forgiveness was just not in my heart any longer. Now, I wanted revenge. I wanted to turn my once pleading heart for understanding to now sweet revenge. I wanted to cripple everyone around me that caused me harm, pain, suffering, and I was not going to hold anyone hostage or make bargains. Nope, I was now in the business for taking people out so they can feel my pain so I can watch them suffer and I have to admit, Cassandra was going to be my first victim and then I would turn my attention toward Savi. So, I guess taking hostages was going to happen and having that sweet revenge in watching someone suffer, was the best feeling in the world.

"You wanted her Cassandra, you can have her. She is out of this house and if you even try to bring her back, I will change the locks on the doors. Savi has taught me to hate her and its only a matter of time before the same happens to you."

"Please Dee, you just don't understand what we have been through. Please just listen to me." I could hear the sobs she shared with me over the phone, I could hear her pleading with me so I decided to listen.

Cassandra went through the story of the failed attempts at getting pregnant and then being told that she is just to fat. The doctors told her she either needed gastro-bypass so she could lose the weight and then make the attempt at getting pregnant once again or, continue on the path that she was on which had failed her four times.

"Imagine Dee, four times we went to the hospital, four times with car seats, four cribs, four rounds of clothing, only to be told the mother changed her mind. If we would of spent the money on the surgery we never would of had the money for the adoption. So, I stayed fat." I could sense her voice was trailing off as she shared what I already knew.

"Cassandra I already know this, you shared this the first day we met remember? Your going to need to come up with something better than that."

"Have you ever been told that something you want so badly, it just isn't going to ever happen? Phillip and I, all we ever wanted to be was parents. Yep, we had it all, careers, money in the bank, a nice home, but not having our own kids running around was just painful."

"You don't get Cassandra, you took the one person that I have been fighting to get back into my life and caused the deepest divide now. There is no other greater gap in the world that can compare to what you have now done with my daughter and me. You see, the way I see it, you want a baby so badly, you, not Phillip, would sell your soul to the devil for a child and when and if that child comes into your life, it is going to be your nightmare because once you make that deal with the devil, he will come knocking to collect what you so easily gave up, your soul that is just the law of nature."

The silence between us was so loud it was ear deafening. I didn't know what to say to her anymore. I felt as if I was struggling to make a point and no matter what I said or how I said it, I began to think if I was even making a dent in our conversation.  

"Well, if its any consolation, we did talk to Savi, well actually Phillip did and he told her what she was doing was wrong as well as being petty and spiteful." Yep, she got my attention then. "You see, there's that chance that Savi will and probably could change her mind once again and I know just for me, it would crush me if that happened again, it would ruin me, maybe even kill what's lefts of me."

"So, what happens now Cassandra, she comes home? I don't want her here. For what, so she can continue to be cruel to me, heartless, drag my feelings around or better yet, treat me like the pile of shit on the bottom of someone's shoe? You don't get the full picture here you just don't get it. If this does go through, I will be the one scraping the pile of shit from the bottom of her shoes and then while I am doing that I will then begin picking up the pieces of her now shattered life. You get the greatest gift of all, a baby for Christmas and she, Savi, come home empty handed. That is when I get to pick up the pieces of her now broken and shattered life if she even lets me."

There was once again dead silence between us and that was when I lowered the boom on her.

"You can pay her rent, I no longer want her, or, her to be here, I'm DONE!" I shouted with no sympathy in my tone of voice. "I am sick and tired of getting stomped on, spit on, talked back to, treated like crap from her. I mean seriously, how much more am I supposed to take? Do you even know what this is doing to Sara? This is tearing her apart and causing such grief and pain and I am sick and tired of Savi feeling like the "victim" if Savi is like this, don't you ever wonder what her baby will be like?"

"She wants to come home, she wants to make things right with you, she does feel bad."

I remember giggling with such sarcasm, "of course she does, she has no where else to go and if you believe she wants to make things right with me when she already had years to do that, well then, she has gotten to you also. Tell ya what, I will do this, ask her what she's done wrong with me, ask her what pain she caused me, how many lies came out of wicked ugly mouth, how she almost made me lose my other two kids out of her own greed and selfishness, ask her how many times she has thrown me under the bus, ask her, go ahead ask her, because she won't say a word about it and she will blame me as she always does."

"And what is that supposed to do, what are you trying to do prove a point?"

"No," I began, "no, wait, yes, I want to prove my point, yep, that's what I want, I want to see if somewhere in her cold dead world if she does even have a heart and she needs to tell me verbally, face to face what she has done wrong to me, and if she can't, well, then, she can stay out she will then become dead to me."

And with that, I hung up on her never giving a chance for her to say one more word to me.