Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Unresolved Issues

There is always going to be unresolved issues each and every day of our lives. They can be with neighbors that we choose to ignore, we go out of our way to avoid them so not to rock the boat of our neighbors we see each and every day.

We can have unresolved issues with one of our co-workers making going to a job the most daunting daily experience often leaving one exhausted each and every day where we find ourselves asking why we get up and go to work.

Then we have the unresolved issues with a loved one. A person we share time and space with, a person we seek for comfort and love, a person that we tell "I love you" too yet when times get hard, we choose not to speak of what is bothering us in fear of causing such a rift between each other. Couples each and every day will often turn a blind-eye to issues and causes that can and will leave us feeling insecure and shattered.

Women and men fear rejection and that rejection can and often will turn into insecurity, fear, and let's throw loathing into the hat as well. We end up loathing ourselves because the one thing that we promised ourselves we would never do in any relationship, we suddenly find ourselves accepting things that we know will ultimately break our heart. We find ourselves being the "GIVER" for everything and the one that once cared for our heart, is now taking everything from us.

And why.....? Because we fear often of being alone and I am no different. So we accept until our heart is laying before us shattered and torn and now living with "Unresolved Issues"

"Shocked, Disgusted, and Fearful"

I think the worst or I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to me was when I learned that Harry was actually spending time every Friday night with Goldie and then coming home to me and climbing into bed holding me. I felt so violated, so used, but one would think that a woman going through this would have some self-respect, love herself so much that she would kick such a slim ball to the curb. But not me, nope. I actually went into a tailspin panic of losing Harry.

Now that I can sit back and read my journals of what I was willing to give up and sacrifice for this man makes me so sick. Everything we do, accept, live with, acknowledge, swallow our pride, give up our self-dignity, is a journey to self-discovery.

For me, and me alone, I found out just how weak I was when wanting to be with Harry. There was no amount of super glue that could hold me together or any chosen words from my loved ones yelling at me to kick this man to the curb once my mouth began sharing what he did to me, but for some reason I just held on to this man as if he was my life preserver being tossed out to save me from the wild ripping oceans taking me down to the darkest and deepest parts of the oceans. So, I'm guessing when one sells their soul to the Devil, the Devil will take all of you not just certain parts of you.

As I was driving home from the company picnic the girls never said a word to me. I think they were fearful of saying a word fear of retaliation of what I might do or say. I just remember my world spinning out of control. It was as if my life was in the eye of the tornado spinning at hundred miles per hour and upon looking up, I saw fragments of my life being tossed about from one side to the next. Once we got home the girls climbed out of the car and gladly took Sela into the house. Me, I just paced and paced wondering what was next, what would happen to toss more ugliness into my disturbed life.

That day I never tried to call Harry, and for that fact, he never tried to call me. I felt used and abused by him not physical but mentally abused. I was so angry at myself because I still wanted him for some crazy reason, I still loved him and I still wanted to fight for him. Never did I once ever pack up his things and toss them outside. Nope, instead, I just waited for him to come home. I was hopeless and let's throw in wreck less to anything in front of me. No matter what anyone said, I was not willing to listen or try to comprehend reason and fact.

The rest of the day was just filled with panic attacks, anxiety, and wanting to throw up from fear of this man never wanting me ever again. Part of me was so angry that he took up space and time with Goldie and for brief moments I wondered what mystical magical thing she had that made Harry find his way back to her. I wondered what she looked like, I wondered if she was pretty, if she was thin, I wondered if he loved making love to her more than me and for that fact if he thought of her when he made love to me?

Once Raiza found us home she came over to find out how the company picnic went. I never planned on telling her anything about what happened. The last thing I needed was one of her lectures telling me I went to fast with Harry, or how he moved in to fast, or this or that, or this or that. What I wanted was sympathy, I wanted someone to understand my thinking of why I wanted him, why I loved him, why I was so willing to fight for him. But I guess I couldn't have the support I needed when it didn't make sense me at all.

Well, I wasn't planning on telling her but when Sara heard Raiza in my living room she came bouncing out of her room asking where Tiffany was and then out of the mouths of babes, she gladly shared what happened today. She spoke so quick I couldn't stop her at all. I saw the concern from Raiza's eyes, I saw her wanting to hold me but she struggled with that alone. The fact that she had a husband that drank himself into absolute drunkenness each and every Friday night all the way to Sunday morning and yes he was verbally abusive to his kids Jonny and Tiffany, he tried starting fights with them and Raiza often putting me in the middle where I found myself battling with Raiza's husband whose nickname was "Nacho" short for Ignacio.

I didn't need her to tell me how horrible Harry was and if she was going to do that then I was more than willing to toss her husband into the ring reminding her of the drunken husband she had each and every weekend starting fights with anyone and everyone. Jonny and Tiffany always came running to my house in tears saying how bad their dad was behaving and then following closely behind was Raiza always in tears from her husband's behavior. Me, I would always stand up to Nacho more than ready for a fight with him lecturing him on what he was doing to his kids and wife.

I could do that really easily but when it came to Harry, I was weak and insecure. But Raiza just walked up and hugged me and told me how sorry she was asking me if I needed anything. The minute she wrapped her arms around me I just broke and cried streams of tears flowing down my face asking her over and over, "why doesn't he want me, what is it that Goldie has and I don't."

That night going to bed alone without Harry was the hardest. There was no sound of his soft snoring, there was no love making, there was nothing but a cold empty space to his now side of the bed. I found myself rubbing his side of the bed and finally allowing my tears to flow. I cried so hard I gave myself a bloody nose. I didn't know if I was angry at myself for not making Harry ended things with Goldie and coming to me with a clean slate free from the chains of Goldie or for wanting this man so badly I was willing to share him.

My head and body ached from crying and I had one bloody snot rag after the next that now laid on my nightstand. I just couldn't think anymore so I finally just turned on the television in my room letting the sound of the TV keep me company while I finally allowed sleep to take over.