Monday, February 20, 2017

To Error is Human

Forgiveness is one gift that we take for granite. We can either stay mad at others or even ourselves, but we often do not forgive so easily. We tend to tell people, "I will forgive you, but I will not forget" so does that typically mean we forgive out of political kindness? Do we tell others such a sentence to keep them quiet or at bay? Or, do we tell them such a sentence to make them quiet in hopes that they do in fact just "go away"?

I know for a fact I tend to be hard on myself, we do tend to beat ourselves up for things that may seem so minuet to others but in fact it can tear us down as people. Why is it we can find it in our heart of hearts to forgive the one's we love so easily but, when it comes to us as every day human beings, we will tear ourselves apart for making a mistake.

I have made my share of mistakes, I mean TONS of them. If there was a mistake jar for myself and I put one dollar in for every mistake I made, I could retire today without a care in the world and living very comfortably. Why is it we stride for perfection rightfully knowing there is no such things as perfection. Does that old adage "to error is human" does that make us better people to learn from our mistakes or does that mean that we take for granite such a term?

I can sit here blogging about human error when it fact, I have paid the ultimate price when it comes to maliciously intending to hurt the ones around me that loved me so much just for my own personal gain. I have watched tears fall and hearts be broken from the people that love me due to my selfishness and greed. The decisions I have made with no regard to my kids, my parents, or, my extended family has now cast heavy dark shadows within my soul.

So the ultimate question is this;  The ones I have hurt so badly, tattered their hearts and second guess me as a human do they tend to lock up their hearts out of protection from me? Do they keep their feelings mild out of politeness and have they really forgiven me? Have I really forgiven myself of what I have ultimately done to my family?

My Decision, My Life, Stay Out of It

We always say, "We will laugh about this in the future" but even now when I sit and share my past with my best friend Raiza we tend to laugh about things that we have done together but in reality, we share what I have done in the past. The things I have learned from and how such a good friend who is so opposite of me still to this very day remains by my side so faithfully.

Raiza and I are like oil and water but somehow a deep seeded relationship bloomed into something so real and so beautiful. She is timid, shy, and very old fashion as well as loyal to her Christianity. She tends to her husband like a doting wife should. She cooks for him, does his laundry, raises their children while he a trucker remains on the road Monday through Friday each week for the past twenty years.

Me, on the outside of my soul I throw caution to the wind, I can and will push the envelope right off the table and I will challenge others often bringing them to their very knees without a care of what pain I cause them or will cause. I can be (no I am) brutal. I am out spoken, bold, and daring. I have a tongue as quick as the sharpest of knives ever made and I can and will splice and dice others hearts and feelings with my words. I have the ability to see through the very soul of others as if they were saran wrap and after spending less than thirty minutes with them, I have them figured out to the "T"

Yet, the inner of my soul still believes there is love out there for me yet no man will come near me out of fear of my independence, my mannerism, how I speak, or how dare I go against the grain. I have raised my daughters for the majority of their lives alone so I was forced to learn how to do things that typically a man would step in and take care of.

Except when it came to Harry....

When it came to Harry I wanted to do all the things that Raiza was doing for her husband. I wanted to do his laundry, make his lunches, cook the dinners, and be that loving doting person that Raiza was. So, in order to take lessons on just how to do that I turned to Raiza. Yet on that night that he showed up with his clothes in hand, I never once questioned where he was, I never asked what happened,  I never took a stand for myself because all I cared about was that he was there and moving in.

I never asked my kids if it was okay, I never thought to get their opinion or how they felt about it because actually I didn't care. Trust me when I say, "I don't care" it is because I really don't care. I remember seeing out of the corner of my eyes the shock on Raiza's face when I jumped from the couch so quickly taking Harry's clothes then heading to my room which would now become our room.

I sensed the heavy disappointment from her and when Harry and I were done putting his clothes in my closet I went back out to the living room and found Raiza along with everyone else gone. The house was quiet except for the blaring sound of the television that still showed American Idol and who was getting booted from the show.

Paper plates of left over pizza remained on both the coffee table and dinning room table. I selfishly never thought of what my kids were feeling or thinking of just what happened and why Harry was moving in. I never made the attempt to go to their rooms to find out if they were okay. Harry came out of the room changed into his even lounge wear asking me to make him a cup of tea. I of course without question or telling him to make it himself he has two hands let him do it, I bolted to the kitchen turning on the kettle and watching it until it began to whistle.

As I sit here blogging about such an event that night and what just happened I remember my stomach quivering from excitement and anticipation of that evening and what was to come of Harry and myself. I remember thinking what kind of a future we were to have. I wondered if we would get married, all I could think of "ME" and me alone.

I had become this person that I didn't even know existed inside of me yet now, I know what I did to cause such insecurity with my own flesh and blood, my kids. I caused them to question just who this man was and what it would mean to them when it came to him now being part of our family. This man who they have only seen twice and maybe, just maybe spending less than twelve hours with him within the past two days.

But my heart kept telling me it would be okay, that he would play a significant role in their lives, that he would be someone they could turn to, to talk to, to have someone listen. Once I made Harry's tea and placing it before him on the kitchen table I sat across from him. That was when our conversation about Goldie began.

I remember very clearly how Harry just looked beaten down in an almost exhaustive like temperament. I think I must have gone through an entire pack of smokes waiting and wondering what he was going to say to me. My thinking was, "well its not like he's leaving, I mean he brought his clothes over so what could he possibly say?"

So, I broke the silence. "So, what happened?" the very minute I opened my mouth I could sense myself selling my soul to the devil. I was battling in my mind of gaining my self esteem and loving him. I was fragile to his words and I think he knew that. I could feel my chest just pounding while I held my breath waiting for his answer. But nothing came from him. He just sat looking dazed and confused on what he just did to someone he spent seven years with and then moving in with me only within hours of each other.

"Okay, so instead of telling me what happened, just tell me where it went wrong with her and why your here now?"

Harry took in a heavy gasp of air then letting out a heavy sigh, "well for starters, she was just to needy, she was never independent and I think that is what drew me to you so much."

God if he only knew at that very second, that very Nano of a second, how dependent I actually was for him, how I craved him, how I longed for him, how needy I was now becoming for him.

"I guess I just reached a point in the relationship with her where she wanted to get married but I didn't love her enough to get married."

"Oh, and when did you come to that conclusion?" I asked him. The sad thing is I already knew the answer but secretly I prayed it wasn't me, that I was not the concluding factor of breaking up this relationship. I waited on baited breath for his answer and all he could do was just look around the room never really looking at me. Not once.

If Harry got up to go to the kitchen I followed him, if he went to the bedroom I followed him, when he sat down I sat down. When he stood up, I stood up. I know now I was acting like the loyal four legged companion, a dog.

So I took in a deep breath, and just put it out there. "Was I the concluding factor in your break up?" My eyes and face was frozen to his face. Each move, sigh, glance, I was so focused on I was desperately trying to read his movement, his facial expressions, the manner of his tone, the fluttering of his eyes, how he sat in the chair. Any sign that told me he was just now wondering if he made the mistake of his lifetime.

Before I knew it I was the one asking all the questions as if he was the would be criminal and I was the private investigator trying to resolve the mystery behind the crime.