Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The Puzzle of Life

I have always viewed life as your own personal puzzle. Take for example when you go out to your favorite store and purchase a puzzle. You sit down and for hours you sort out the corners, certain colors, designs, and then slowly you begin to piece together the puzzle you have now purchased.

I have always viewed life as your own personal puzzle. Sure some pieces will fit and some may appear to fit because they have the same matching designs, crazy markings, and no matter how hard you try to get it to fit because in your mind it seems to fit but, you quickly become frustrated when you finally accept that it just doesn't fit into that space no matter how hard you try. Then there are pieces that you thought would never fit into the empty space when you suddenly learn it actually does fit.

The Puzzle of Life is so confusing.

The Puzzle of Savi

I remember very clearly meeting with one of Savi's sponsor's inside my home. I shared in great detail while in between sobs, how I now viewed my daughters life. 

"We as parents or at least myself, I have seen my kids as a puzzle. We spend years putting their lives together like a puzzle. Certain pieces may fit and certain pieces will not fit. But as the years go on and the puzzle becomes almost complete, I feel as if someone came along and took my daughters puzzle of life and swiftly with one arm swept it to the floor knocking all the pieces apart. No matter how hard I tried to put the pieces back together again, the panic in my attempts, the fallen tears, the fear of never finding those missing pieces, I just couldn't do it.

And, as I stood over my Savi's puzzle of life, it was now just a mess, a mess no matter how hard I tried to put back together, it just laid crumbled on the floor.

The Puzzle of Myself  

When I finally got out of the abuse of Rick and with two kids in tow, then meeting Felix and having Sela, well when you saw me walking around the grocery store with two small daughters and a baby, I can tell you, I was NOT dating material. I was the opposite. I think there was this flashing red alert sign hanging above my head that just screamed..."DATING FAILURE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION"

If and when I did go out on dates I feared the topic of my kids. There wasn't a man around for two hundred miles that wouldn't run for the hills when he asked me, "so, do you have any kids?" and when I shared I had three daughters, I could smell the burning rubber of the bottom of his shoes as he went running for the hills followed by a puff of white smoke as he vanished before my very eyes. Let's face it, any man willing to take on a single mother with three girls was so rare but it just wasn't in the cards for me and that was what I believed.

So, when Harry came around he showed enthusiasm for me having three girls telling me he too had two girls and two boys from his previous twenty nine year marriage, it was almost foreign to me that someone wanted to be with me. So, I began a new puzzle to my life which included Harry. The pieces seemed to fit. Nothing was wrong until I shared about Savi. Savi had become my arch nemesis. She became the toxic concoction to my life. I was struggling so much with wanting a personal life and no matter how many times I tried to piece together my life with Savi none of the pieces fit.

I mean how do you tell a man that you have a daughter that is just a nut job and she tried to kill herself five times and oh yeah, let's throw in a pregnant teen to boot.

After I walked away from Harry due to the shocking look on his face from my confession about Savi, I didn't hear from him for one week. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands. My mom told me along with Raiza to give him space and let him try to have an understanding of my life and what I was faced with. But Pandora's Box got the best of me and I decided one day to call him at his office. That was when I was slapped in the face so hard.

In order to actually talk to Harry I told the receptionist at the partnering pest control company that I needed to speak to him about an account. That was when I heard something that I had to have her repeat once again.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"Harry is out to lunch with his girlfriend Goldie, and together they are taking a weeks vacation and is headed down to San Diego for some R & R with her."   

I was just floored at what this lady told me. I could feel my heart just drop to my feet and my head just began to spin. I remember breathing so hard I was just sick with what she told me. So, I just went along with it.

"Oh, right Goldie, sure, I'll just try to reach him on his cell. Thanks." I was trying to wrap my head around with what the receptionist just told me. I could feel the collapse of my lungs that had now began to gasp for air. With each attempt to gain air once again back into my lungs the shock was just to much and it just wouldn't let me. So, every thing he told me, how he loved me, how he made love to me, the long talks, the sharing of his life, the very private things we shared, was it all for nothing? I did try to call him on his phone but it was actually shut off. It just went straight to voicemail.

I am a firm believer, if someone does not want to be found, they will do or make any attempt to not be found. Great example is turning off their cellphone. Sure it is easy for a cheater to turn off his cellphone as a form of a temporary fix hiding from the guilt yet knowing the truth will come out once he turns it on once again. It actually explained a lot. You see, Harry never left his cellphone sitting around. He always had it in his pocket and every time it rang he never answered it. I would ask him who it was and he just told me, "it's the office, it's no big deal. I'm here with you and I want to give you my undivided attention to the most beautiful woman I have ever met."

My mind was flooding with questions, who was she, how long have they been together, what did she look like, was he the one married, is that why he was pressing for me to tell him I was married so it would make it right that we were together? I slammed down my phone and walked with such a brisk pace to Raiza's house right across the street then walking right into her house. We never had to knock on each other's doors, we just had that trust.

Once she saw me, she knew immediately something was wrong. I just kept pacing with rage and anger and she just kept asking what was wrong. I was huffing and puffing twisting my face into such anger. I remember clinching my fist, pulling my hair, I felt so stupid that I never saw the warning signs, I think I was more angry at myself for not seeing it then hearing he was with a girl named "Goldie."

"He went to San Diego with a girl named Goldie, Goldie of all names, Goldie that is just a strippers name that you toss out dollar bills to because she is not worthy of five dollar tosses."

"Who, who went to San Diego and who is Goldie, what are you talking about?" I could see the confusion taking overtaking her face, the concern for me, the worry that was to follow next. 

"Harry," I shouted angrily to Raiza, "who do you think I'm talking about my brother? He took her to San Diego, San Diego of all places."

"Okay, so Harry went to San Diego but I still don't understand who Goldie is." Raiza still stood before me trying to piece together what I was saying and even more confused when I through in the name "Goldie" you see Harry confessed his dying love and devotion to Raiza telling her just how much he loved me and how bad he wanted to be with me. 

"Maybe Goldie is his sister, I mean you don't really know Dee so let's no blow this out of the water or make something big of it until you actually know." Ah, Raiza, the one that always tries to see the silver lining in everything. I wanted to believe it was a cousin, a relative, a sister, but my gut told me different.

"Great, so now I have an entire week of sitting, waiting and wondering who she is and why he confessed his love to me yet he's gone with some bitch named "Goldie" I said with sarcasm in my voice. "She's probably some slut or something of that nature."

I learned rather quickly to judge Harry on the facts that he confessed his love but now he was caught red handed. The gig was up and I was pissed. I got had. Now did I not only have a daughter that was so far away from me emotionally and mentally, I now had a cheating scathing idiot that was in San Diego with some bitch.