Friday, February 24, 2017

The Fork in the Road

There is always going to be that fork in the road of life. Each road is labeled "Struggles & Despair" and "Easy Way" and for some reason, we seem to always choose the road of struggles and despair or know someone that always takes that hard road of life and I am no better. I'm guessing we always take it thinking that "It won't happen to me" because the temptation is real it is alive and kicking but it eventually does happen to many people. Especially to the people that we love the most.

Why is it bad things happen to good people? And for that fact, why do good things happen to bad people? When it came to Harry, I think I pitched a tent on the road of struggles and despair then calling it home. Have you ever been on the verge of doing something and everyone can see the danger up ahead except you? Their voices are bellowing at you, "this is going to be really bad for you (fill in name) don't do it. It is going to blow up in your face."

Yet, we never listen to reason, we never try to understand it, we just want to prove how the ones that are making sense and logic that they are in fact wrong.

Yep, I have fallen into the category that every man or women fall into thinking that we can "change" the person that we are with. That our love is going to be exactly what the other person needs. Before we know it, we have molded ourselves into a life that we never knew we could ever live. Take Rick for example, Savi and Sara's dad. With all the abuse that I suffered from him, from all the punches and blows to my face and body, I would stay awake for night after night thinking how to get this man to love me more and not hit me any longer.

Well, when it came to Harry, I was doing the exact same thing minus the physical abuse, now it had turned to emotional abuse and I was right back to where I was years ago. Trying to figure out away for this man to love me so much that Goldie would no longer be an issue for Harry.

I made it my goal to focus on where I was instead of where I was going. I spent so much energy selling my soul to the devil and when I signed on the dotted line, he took with him my dignity and self respect as collateral.

Who was I?

It seems that we can always give the best advice for others except when it comes to ourselves, we just can't do what we preach. I could have sat there with a friend of mine and seen the dirty laundry that was being aired out from some snake in the grass but I couldn't see the writing on the walls of my own life. I think I was that ignorant and desperate for Harry to be in my life and my reasoning of was because there was laughter, there was adventure, travels, money, and I mean UNLIMITED amount of money, the best sex I had ever had in my life, and a man that could make me feel good as a woman. I was experiencing things with my life that I had never had before. This was new and exciting.

I was so confused if in fact he was the right man for me. I know that my parents were pushing me to keep things going with Harry and the one thing that they never knew about was Goldie and I wasn't about to toss that in the ring with my parents. For what? so they can throw it back in my face later down the road? Or possibly humiliation of me not being able to find the right guy?

I do know that once Harry retrieved his phone from me he actually told me that Goldie wanted him to come and get the rest of his belongings so that she could move on with her life. Well, that is what he told me and that is what I believed.

Yet at the same time it felt as if my gut just wanted to jump from my very body and slap me right in the face yelling at me, "you're such a dumbass, really, your actually going to believe that? you're such a weak sad woman wake up idiot." 

We actually did go out that night. Harry drove us to one of the casinos about seventy five miles away. He always knew where all the casinos were. It was meant to be a surprise and once there I told him I didn't have money to gamble with. He of course told me not to worry that he had that covered. I was hurting for money pretty badly, I needed food in the house and my child support from Felix wasn't coming for another two weeks.

Once we were inside I saw little dollar signs dancing in Harry's eyes. He proudly took me by my hand and lead me throughout the casino. He boasted to strangers everywhere how I was his beautiful girlfriend that he loved to the ends of the earth. He showered me with attention and lots of money. He had me sit in front of one of the slot machines and handed me two hundred dollars. I fell out of my skin seeing that much money. Now I am not one to ever play with money like that because money always came so hard for me to ever have. He kept urging for me to put it into the slot machine smiling and rubbing my back repeatedly telling me it was okay not to worry about the money.

So, I did. Of course, I lost it all, I never won a single dime. I felt so horrible losing his two hundred dollars and told him how sorry I was over and over. He finally took my face into his hands and told me with his soft deep black eyes how much he loved me. He kissed me gently and then told me not to worry about it, that there was more where that came from. I never really asked him about his financial situation because I felt it was to early to talk about that. I know I was so confused on such a topic. Here I was sharing a bed with this man, my home, my everything and for some reason I could never bring myself to ask him about his financial situation.

So, while we were at the casino he leads me over to a slot machine where I stood by and watched him throw money in over and over. Sometimes he would win and keep playing and sometimes he would lose and still throw in more money. Finally, he reached into his pocket and handed me another two hundred dollars. He told me to go walk around and find a machine I wanted to play.

I'm not proud of what I did but my mind went to "Fight or Flight" so maliciously choose "Flight" I was stressed out about money and food and gas for my car, so I pocketed the money. I stuffed it deep into my pockets so he couldn't see it and just continued to walk around the casino. I saw people crying because they lost, I saw people yelling and screaming then punching the machines, and some were so glued to the chairs they had this robotic attitude, money in, arm down, lose money.

I would continue making my rounds and when I felt I was gone long enough I would find my way back to Harry telling him I lost it again. He reached into his pocket and then gave me a hundred dollars. I would tell him I'm going to make my way around and find a machine and he never questioned me asked me to stay with him. He was to hypnotized by the slot machines and winning. I repeated once again, stuffed the money into my pocket then made my way back and told him I lost it once again. Let's just say by the time he finally gave up the slot machines and he wanted to go home I had five hundred dollars in my pocket.

It was almost one in the morning when we made our way back home when Harry's cellphone rang. At first I panicked thinking it was the girls calling wondering where we were and if they were even okay. But it wasn't the girls, it was Goldie. Harry went to turn off his phone but I stopped him telling him to just answer it and take care of it and be done with it finally. What I really wanted to do was take his phone and throw it out the window while driving on the freeway.

I still remember the conversation as if it happened just seconds ago.

Harry: What is it Goldie what do you want, its over between you and me.
Goldie: Sobbing uncontrollably, repeatedly telling him to come home, she missed him, how sorry she was, she will change, she will be better, what can she do to make things right. How they spent seven years together and not to throw this away.
Harry: I just want something different, better, and its Dee I'm sorry, it's over.

As they continued to talk on the phone I saw a tinge of pain in Harry's eyes, I could see it really bothered him that she was hurting so badly. I knew he still loved her very much it was written all over his face. I mean come on, you don't just throw seven years out the window over night and not feel anything for someone. I'm not completely cold hearted and ignorant to love.

When he hung up I could see his was just riddled with confusion on what to do. Stay with me out of guilt of putting me in this situation or going home to Goldie.

"You know Harry, I have come to the conclusion that I am now the other woman. You have so easily put me in that position something I swore I would never do or be. I love you, I do love you so much, when I'm not with you my heart breaks I wonder where you are, if your with HER, or not with HER, its just eating me up and I just can't live with this way."

Harry just sat in his car feeling so guilty and maybe he needed to hear this or maybe I just needed to say it. But was I saying it for all the wrong reasons or the right reasons. So, I decided to take my pride, my self-esteem, along with any dignity I had left within myself and tossed it right out the window while driving down the freeway deciding I was just going to fight for him.

"You chose me, you said you loved me, you said you wanted to be with me, how can you love two women at the same time. I'm the one that loves you the most, I want to be with you, pick me pick me I am the one that can make you happy not HER!"

I remember right at that moment how I began to cry so hard and shake I didn't care what happened to her or how she wanted him, I wanted him and I was determined to get him no matter what and no matter at what cost.