Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The Circle of Life

Parents have a duty to love their children, protect them, guide them, fill their heads with knowledge and of course the past experiences that parents have been through in hopes that our very own children will not encounter the same mistakes that we have made.

We are supposed to nourish them with wisdom and give to them in hopes that they have a much better life than what we as parents had growing up. It is an honor when our children come back years later down the road and then tell us, "thank you for believing in me, thank you for loving me enough to teach me right from wrong and being by my side even when you didn't want to."

But there are children that want to tempt fate, play Russian Roulette of life, go against the grain thinking that what they know is much better and smarter than their parents. Their parents are old and decrypted and not with the current times. Those are the children that end up taking a journey they will then hand down to their own children. I guess its called "The Circle of Life."  

From 11 years old and still counting!

Since I began this journey with Savi I have kept a daily journal writing down my fears, my low's and high's, excruciating pain, anger, misfortune, one mistake after the next from which now I pull from and share with both pain and growth to the many strangers that take the time to read but still yet comment on.

Many other parents have shared with me their anger and pain from their son or daughter that ditches school, or their children which failed science and me standing there listening to them complain and then there I am wishing silently I had such problems.

Many have said to me "it is a duty to raise children that we bring into the world, but where is the honor from our own blood children who treat us like crap. We don't need to like them, but we do need to love them."

A great distraction

I made the conscious decision to pull away from Savi and Dio letting them deal with the pregnancy and the adoption process. Both of us still kept our distances from each other and when we ended up face-to-face in any part of the home we just made an about face stance and took off running in the other direction. Sara was still desperately trying to be Switzerland to stay neutral trying with all her might to love both of us at the same time. The one person that Sara did stay loyal to without a fault was her baby sister Sela. Each day that she came home from school and was greeted by Felix, she took on the role as the "Nanny" making Sela her snack then taking her outside and playing with her until I came home then turning her over to me.

It was a great distraction to work at the pest control company because I was out of the house. I was not looking at all the walls of my home thinking quietly to myself, "boy, if these walls could talk, it would put a permanent kink in someone's hair." Harry and I had began to see each other almost daily. We met for lunches which of course led to hot steamy erotic sex, he still helped me land accounts and yes, we were getting closer and closer as each day passed.

He took out the ugly of my life and put in a sense of freedom a place to breath, a place to not think of what was ahead of me at home. For those nine hours I was filled with something I hadn't felt in years, "happiness" I was smiling, I could hear myself laughing, I had a spring in my step and suddenly those tension filled nights became nights filled with excitement as I shared my day with Raiza while often calling my mom filling her in about who I just met.

Of course when there is happiness of a soul there is someone out there that brings you down to reality and between Raiza and my mom they both asked me, "so, you met this great guy, how are you going to tell him about Savi, what are you going to say, do you think he would be so willing to understand and still be with you? This can't be ignored, I mean, he is going to want to eventually come over what then?"

With those words buzzing in my ears stronger than a beehive, I knew I had to keep Harry at bay hoping to find one excuse after another for him not to come over each time he wanted to see me. I guess I was also playing "Russian Roulette" picking up the gun and spinning the barrel holding one bullet yet never really knowing where then hearing the clicking of the revolver hoping and praying there was no bullet to cease my happiness.

Finally one great hot sexy afternoon with Harry he decided to test the waters of my much private life. He began to not brow beat me but he wanted to know. With each question there was a sort of distraction from me throwing my body to his. But he was catching on and he told me as he pried me off of his sexy body looking at me with concern he asked me why he can't come over and see my house. He accused me of being married or possibly living with someone else.

He had put me in a corner and I was beginning to feel the walls closing in on me with him watching me cowering and then finally I decided to tell him. I didn't have a choice, either I tell him and lose him or I lose him with him thinking the worse of me. Either way, I was destined to lose.

"Why do you want to come over so badly, I mean isn't it fine the way things are?" I could sense Harry was struggling with trusting me wondering about my mysterious life I had. His house was in the complete opposite direction and if I went there I would sit in traffic for almost two hours just to go home. It was easier carrying on with him not exactly near my house but close enough.

"Are you married or living with someone?" He asked me with such pain in his eyes as well as his voice. I felt bad but it was fear that had me hanging by a thread. It was the fear of me putting such a personal and painful life's situation in his hands and I didn't know if I could trust him to stay with me.

"No, I'm not married or living with someone that's ridiculous I can't believe you would even ask me that."

"So, then why can't I come over, what is the big secret because it sure sounds like there is a secret to your life, a secret your either scared to share with me or you think I won't understand. Just tell me finally."

I didn't know what else to do so I put the blame on Felix. I knew it was a cheap shot but it was the only thing I could think of. I felt horrible but I didn't know what else I could do.

"My ex is there" I said with a heavy painful sigh I just couldn't bring myself to look at him as I told him because I knew it was a lie. "He comes over daily and sits with my youngest daughter Sela. It just works that way. He gets to see his daughter and I get out of paying childcare." I began to question if that even sounded legitimate but I knew it was a pathetic excuse.

"But you know I love kids, I have kids of my own. I love family and being with them I don't understand why this is a problem for you." His voice was trailing off in pain and I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Just give me more time please, I.." Harry cut me off putting his hand up to stop me from talking.

"Wait, you never told your ex about me did you? And you actually wonder why I asked if your married? Wait, your really married aren't you, that's why you don't want me to come over because your married."

I was growing impatient and to be honest agitated with his questioning. "No, I'm not married I just told you that he's my ex. We got divorced four years ago."

I was feeling the pinch of Harry with all his questions and then he took me by surprise. He moved closer in his car to me then taking my face in his hands looking me but I still couldn't look at him. I felt horrible that I lied to him and that was when I knew I went from the hot scalding water to the hot scalding frying pan. I was desperately trying to resist him but I couldn't. The warmth of his hands to my face just floored me.

"Look at me," Harry demanded, "Look at me please" Harry drew me into his arms and I could sense his heart racing with fear. There was just such a calming peace to me each time our bodies touched. When he took my hand then placing it in his there was just this overwhelming joy flowing through my body. My heart was racing, my mouth was becoming dry and I felt as if I wanted to cry for lying to him.

"I love you Dee, I fell in love with you the minute I laid eyes on you at that meeting back at the office. Your smile, the way you are so friendly with everyone. I love your strength, I love your wisdom, I love your gentleness, I love you."

"Wow, I wasn't expecting that." I began to quiver first then shake, and I just wanted to puke up the guilt that was now ramming itself down my throat making me gag. "Trust me when I tell you I have no strength, I am probably the weakest person you will ever meet."

I could feel the tears forming in my eyes from the lie and trust me I wanted to blurt it out, I wanted to scream about Savi and what she did to me and what she was doing still. I could feel my body begin to tremble and Harry clung to me harder.

"Wow, your shaking, what is it that you seem to not be able to tell me, you can trust me please, tell me what your not telling me please, I love you." I could feel the sweat beginning to fall from my armpits down to the side of ribs. My hands now sticky and clammy which I began to wipe on the top of my pants. I swallowed hard and then I turned to finally see his face. He was beaming with love for me it was apparent.

I looked out the window seeing people walking by, cars honking horns and the sun beginning to set. So, I took another hard swallow and then looking at him my heart melted and I told him finally.

"Well, it's been nice knowing you because once I share with you what your so insistent on knowing, your going to book it to the farthest mountain and stay there."

So, I began. I shared about the CPS workers, the many attempted suicides from Savi, her body mutilation, her drinking problem, courts, mental hospitals, and as I was telling him everything I could see the color in his face just draining. I saw the once sexy eyes I loved to look at, now turn as big as frying pans. His mouth dropped as I continued to share and once again I wanted to puke. With each heavy sigh was more to the story and then when I was done finally he just sat there dumbfounded unsure what to say to me. The fact that he didn't say a word spoke volumes to me. That statement of me being able to trust him went right out the window.

He went from holding my hands giving me comfort to letting them go and moving as far as he could sitting in a parked car. The walls went up and so did the bewildered looks and glares.

So, I gathered my things and as I did he didn't try to stop me, he didn't ask me to stay or hold my hand or even try to understand that I just shared the most painful part of my life something so dark and so secretive. Nope, he just sat before me in his car looking around but not at me. He did everything to avoid looking at me.

"Like I said earlier, it was nice knowing you." I opened his car door and climbed out then walked to my car. I wanted him to run after me I pleaded in my mind for him to come running to me to tell me it was okay and that he still loved me. But he didn't. He just watched me climb into my car and then drive away.