Thursday, February 16, 2017

The Cart in Front of the Horse

Back in the day, people sought out doing the right thing. Take marriage and kids for example. People dated, got to know each other, fell in love, got married and had kids. That was the order for many years for many individuals seeking out love and family.

In today's world there are many couples now putting the cart in front of the horse. They sought out love, got pregnant, had a child then married often having the blissful union of their child brought into the world part of the ceremony of their marriage.

So many people do it and two of the most commonly used phrases are; "Putting the cart in front of the horse, and, counting your eggs before they are hatched."

There are many people that want to believe by putting the cart before the horse or counting those eggs before they are hatched it will work out the way it is supposed to. Happily in love and spending the rest of their lives together. But it doesn't actually pertain to love all the time. It can mean just about anything in life and in general. The hopes for a job promotion thinking and believing they will the chosen one to fill the shoes of the most prominent held position by another. Only to find out that it will in fact be filled by one we never thought would make a great fit.

When it comes to "putting the cart before the horse" or "counting my eggs before they are hatched" I am no different then the rest of the world. Especially when it comes to love and family.

1 Cup Harry
1 Cup Savi
1 Cup Sara
3 Cups Goldie
1/2 Cup Sela

I honestly didn't know what I was thinking driving down the hill with Harry that overlooks the entire city of where I lived. I was even more confused and on my own guard then I had ever been before. I was now in unfamiliar territory and to be honest, I never thought in a million years I would be the one to end up in my own love triangle. Here I was preaching to my daughters all about screwing the world as a single person and here I was not living up to my own lectures.

He held my hand tightly in his while we drove home. He constantly put the back of my hand to his lips kissing it sharing how much he loved me. Me, I just sat in silence wondering how this was going to work out. I remember beating myself up for not being stronger and basically kicking Harry to the curb but for some reason I was just lacking self-esteem.

I was fearing the greatest fear of them all. Who would want to take a stab or chance to be with me after I faced some of the darkest days of my life which still haunted me. I carried so much anger and bitterness not only in my heart but my soul as well. I felt I was damaged goods and I wondered who would want to be with someone like that. So, with my self-esteem in the gutter along with my pride, I believed Harry that it would be okay and that we would work out and have this loving lasting relationship. Yet on the back burner was this oatmeal called "Goldie" and it was ready to boil over spewing out its burning thick reminder that she was still there. She remained steadfast in my mind and I was second guessing if in fact Harry would do anything about it.

I mean he has the best of both worlds. When he was pissed at Goldie he would come running to me, when I pissed him off he would go running right back to her. Then the saying of a cheating louse rang in my head so loudly it gave me an ear ache...

"if he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you"

The crazy thing was his cellphone began to ring not once, not twice, but six times and the called ID said Goldie and Harry just ignored it. After the sixth time he picked up his phone and turned it off. I questioned his intentions and began to wonder when he was going to talk to her. I wanted to talk to him about it but for some reason my mouth seemed to be glued shut. I could feel myself trying to force out the words but I just couldn't say one word.

It was just gut wrenching wondering what he was going to do, when he was going to tell her, "I love Dee and I want to be with her not you." I was not completely ignorant to a man cheating on his girlfriend and I was a firm believer about men cheating, but for some reason I was just completely ignorant about this. I could put my finger on the reason but when my finger was on the reason it just didn't make sense in my mind.

When we pulled up to the house Harry parked and began to get out of his car. I was surprised he wanted to stay and wasn't expecting that. I could be strong for everyone else lecturing on the "right versus wrong" theory but when it came to me, my right versus wrong just went out the window. What I should of done was tell Harry to go home, tell her its over and then we can have a clear slat and start fresh. But I didn't, I just let him lead his way into my home and I followed right behind him.

Once inside we were greeted by everyone. Yes, my house was the crash house for all the friends of my daughters along with Raiza and her kids. Savi had some friends over, Sara was hanging out with Tiffany both of them playing with Sela, and Raiza was sitting on the couch with Jonny her son watching TV. Harry of course went about being his charming magnetic personality greeting everyone with his stunning smile which everyone was just drawn to. Me, I walked in unaware of what to expect. It was as if Harry knew each and everyone for years. He fit right into this family messed up or not. When he sat down at the large glass dining room table, everyone followed him. He reminded me of the Pied Piper tooting his horn while others gathered to be next to him.

It dawned on me right then and there no wonder he was so successful in outside sales. He could get anyone and everyone to fall in love with him even if someone was dead set on not sealing the deal somehow he would give that stubborn sales call that wanted to reject what he was talking about to sign on the dotted line. Is that what I did, I sold my soul to the Devil? So I too signed on the dotted line as well? Ummm...YEP!

Savi was just about due and she had managed to be on the straight and narrow with Cassandra and Phillip. I could tell that she was still fighting with wanting to keep her baby or adopting it to them. When she came into the room with Dio following behind along with string of friends, they all gathered at the table as well. Harry had become the Ring Master and he had everyone's attention. He had people laughing, telling jokes and stories. It was a foreign thing in my home to hear laughter and I soon found myself blending in to the spine-tingling joyous noise within my home.

After awhile everyone spread out saying their good-bye's leaving Harry and I alone sitting at the table staring at each other. The night went so well and everyone seemed to accept Harry and I could tell he would make a great permanent fixture in my world. But, Goldie still remained on the back burner and I desperately wanted to bring that boiling pot of oatmeal to the front and center and talk about it. I needed to know what his next move was, what were his plans, what was he going to do next.

"So, let's talk about Goldie." I told Harry.