Saturday, February 25, 2017

Self-Exposure

Self-exposure is one of the most private things one can share about themselves. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable is always a risk. We tend to think, "what will they think of me if they actually see me for me?" Will I be judged because of the way I feel, will I be looked at funny, will they talk about me when I walk away, just what will they think of me as a person? Will they find me weak or will they find me stuck up and impersonal?"

Does the tone in your voice expose who you are, how you stand, how you walk, and for that fact, how you treat other's. Do you walk around with a shield of self-protection and your fist up ready for a fight so no one can ever get close to you? I have, I know I have!

But the older I get the wiser I become. I have spent many years fearful of exposing myself for others to see me for me. What if I don't find acceptance from others, is it the way I talk do I portray myself to be a victim of my own circumstances? Taking responsibility for one's own failures is actually human growth it shows courage and conviction and while we shed the "Onion" we hopefully do not come across as a victim.

I do however think that people are so wrapped up on what others will think or say that we tend to keep the pain that harbors inside of us so private that we will choose to die with those secrets never really shedding who we really are.

Take this blog that I am doing, I am revisiting something so private and so painful I too wonder what others will think of me. Will I be judged on the stories that I have so openly shared and often wonder if others actually believe that someone can go through such devastation. Being that I have no clue on how to receive comments or people just fail to leave comments, I guess I will never really know. I am not looking for sympathy or a pat on the back of survival I just want others to know they are not alone when they go through something hard and so bad they cannot imagine others going through their own nightmare.

Do not portray me as a victim because I am not, do not portray me as ignorant because I am not that either yet now years later, once upon a time I probably did play the victim role and ignorant but not anymore.

The Weakest Link

On the very night, I had decided to fight for Harry was the night I became two things. Number one the weakest link to the human existence and number two, Harry's personal welcome mat. I was manipulating Harry when I didn't even know I was manipulating Harry. I would cry throwing myself on him begging and pleading for him to stay. I would fight and claw my way into his world leaving deep seeded wounds mostly within myself but on the outside of Harry's world as well.

When Harry called I never let the phone ring twice, when he was home with me I was attentive, when he wasn't with me I spent countless hours pacing and wondering when he was coming home. Each time I left the home without Harry and then returned, the very first thing I ever did was go check my closet to see if his clothes were still there. I lived in panic and worry twenty-four-seven.

The more time I spent with Harry the more time I was trying to convince myself everything was going to be great and we would have a long loving life together. When my parents came to California from Oregon they made it a point to meet Harry. Harry was pouring on the charm and wit proving to my parents with very little effort as well as his talents he was the best catch in the sea. My mom and dad could of cared less that he was living with me.

They along with anyone that met Harry were in such shock and awe that I had wrangled such an amazing man and how blessed I was to have this great guy in my life. Let's just say that women envied me and wanted to know the secret to finding such a great man.

Harry would spend weekend after weekend taking care of the mobile home fixing things that needed to be fixed which ultimately saved my parents so much money. So of course they approved of him but they never really knew the dark secret that I had kept to myself, me fighting for his time and the fear of never really knowing where he was when he was at work. Being that he was an outside sales manager he never had to spend days at an office. He was free to roam and go wherever his fat little heart wanted to go with no one to answer to but himself.

At night he would charge his phone right next to his side of the bed and of course he made it an effort for it would be on silent ringer and facing upside down so not to see who was calling. I of course tried so many times to see if Goldie was still in his contacts and each time I tried while he was sleeping he would stir in bed and wake up wondering with deep suspicion what I was doing. I couldn't tell if he felt guilty or if I was just a pathetic woman living in fear.

There were times when he had appointments at certain accounts he would always take me with him. I loved when he did that. We had so much fun together. There were great talks, sharing what our future would be but when there were accounts I couldn't go on, I wondered if he would take Goldie. He just seemed to be so private about certain things and other things he wasn't so private about.

You see he never really ever said it was "over between them" and for some reason I just accepted that. I was so scared to give him the ultimatum because I always feared if I did I would be the loser, I would lose someone that accepted me for me because after going through what I went through with Savi and having plenty of dates prior to Harry when it came to the part of sharing my life with Savi no man ever returned twice. Since no man ever returned twice there was always just this resentment I had for Savi but in realty now that I can look back and see things differently, it was my fault for sharing to much too soon.

Yet, when I shared things with Harry about Savi he didn't even bat an eye, he stuck around so that is why I thought he was all I could get. So, I put up with the wondering of where he was, the late-night meetings, the missed appointments he said I couldn't go on and every time he told me what he was doing I never once questioned him ever just out of fear and rejection.

I remember Harry coming home one afternoon I think it was on a Tuesday and he told me he wanted to go out on Friday night with the guys from work. Well one Friday turned into another Friday and another Friday turned into every single Friday night. For weeks, I wondered where he actually was every Friday night. You see Harry was so good at covering his tracks and for each track he covered I believed until that one day he forgot to cover a set of tracks.

We were at a company picnic and two of the guys he claimed to be with every Friday night, well I just had to find out. I stood there worried at their answer, I was beginning to have a panic attack as I walked up to them I needed to know if I was worrying about nothing or if I actually had something to worry about. I had to know if Harry was still seeing Goldie and well, as I joined in on the guys conversation when Harry wasn't around me, I asked the two guys how they enjoyed their Friday nights out with Harry.

I will never forget the look on their faces, they both looked at me confused on what I was asking them. Both of them shaking their heads while trying to follow the conversation I was having with them when one of them finally told me, "I don't know what you're talking about, we don't hang out with Harry each Friday, as a matter of fact we never have."

All of a sudden, all the laughter and fun from the other families at the picnic came to a dead silence in my head. I could feel my legs giving out and my heart pounding out of my chest. The two men knew right then and there they let the cat the out of the bag. They scrambled trying to fix what they said one of them actually told me, "Oh Harry, yeah you mean Harry over there," he pointed to, "sure yeah, we have hung out.." but I cut him off to quickly. With my jaw clenching and my fist tight I just yelled at both of them to shut the hell up and to "F" off.

Of course, Harry saw me talking to both of the men he claimed to be with and I know he saw how mad I was getting then beginning to cry he came running over of course. He took me by my arm and I shoved his hands off of me yelling at him in front of everyone at the picnic. I demanded to know right then and there where he was every Friday night.

I screamed so loud the people playing volleyball stopped to listen. The man who was the BBQ specialist stopped to listen. Wives turned to see me in tears screaming at Harry, kids were watching and I just continued to scream and yell over, "where in the hell have you been each Friday night for the past weeks, what have you been doing, have you been screwing Goldie all this time, are you kissing her, holding her, are you telling her you still love her?"

The worst part was, my kids were there watching this whole thing unfold. They watched their mom come unglued. Harry kept trying to talk to me but I kept yelling and screaming and then it happened, I leaned my entire body back and with such force I slapped him right in the face in front of everyone. I screamed how I was trying to trust him, how I loved him, how I allowed him to move in. I shocked not only myself from my behavior but I also shocked everyone at the picnic.

I heard gasp from so many people and once I realized what I did, well, there was no going back now, my world just became dark, I just metamorphosed into some stark raving bitch attacking Harry hitting him with one blow after the next as everyone stood back and watched.

It was a good thing my car was there I just walked over and took Sela from the arms of some woman I had never met then yelling at Savi and Sara to get into the car. Once I was in I drove off in a rage of anger. Vengeance was the name of my game now.