Thursday, February 9, 2017

Pictures on Walls

There is a reason why stores so easily sells picture frames. Many that purchase these frames in multiple sizes is it a way to remember memories that are in fact so precious, or do they want to remember what was "once upon a time?" Do these pictures bring a little ting to the heart when you glance it wishing you could go back to that time so you can relive what your sharing for the world to see?

Take for example; the mother and father who so proudly sit before the hundreds of other parents as they watch their son or daughter cross the stage to collect their college degree. The parents minds may rewind at the speed of light the very first day when they dropped of their child at college versus seeing them four years later. How they changed, how they grew, and now, what they will face in the cold crewel world.

Do pictures within the frames hold a special memory to you, have you grown as a person not only on the outside but the inside, when others come to visit you do they even glance at the pictures then glancing at you to revel in the changes that have occurred from "before and after"?

I see picture frames from where you once came from as an infant to where you are now as an adult. Each picture will tell a story, a story that can be painful but yet a good learning tool. When you stroll around your home and you see the pictures that are either standing upright or hung on the very walls of your home, do you ever stop and look at what that picture represents?

Pictures on your walls are very similar if not the exact same as "Life's Stepping Stones" in which I reference as "Finding Your Path"

The pictures on my walls

There isn't a picture within the walls of my home that doesn't tell a story. They all do. The man on the bicycle riding through a lush colorful garden reminds me of when I purchased that very picture. It was the first picture I ever bought for my new apartment and living alone for the very first time.

The bold vibrant bright orange, reds, pinks, mauves, were the pattern and color plate that I just loved. I was so proud of myself to be able to reach into my own pocket and purchase that large grand picture for $29.99 thirty two years ago. 

I have it because it holds a very special place in my heart, it tells my story of where I was when I  purchased it and where I am now. That very picture represents growth for me as a person even some of the most darkest and ugliest times of my life.

Life Goes On

I have always wished that whatever pain I was feeling, experiencing, or going through, I wanted the entire world to stop so many can hug me and tell me its all going to be okay. But life goes on for the millions of other people in the world. Maybe just maybe, there could be someone reading my blogs and they learn from it or they can even be so bold to say, "I wish I had your problems" probably not.  I mean, I can't think of anyone that would want me to pass my baton of life to them so they could now run with my issues that always seemed to fog up my vision of life.

But life does go on no matter if we like it or not. The world is a cold cruel place and many if not millions often just don't seem to care what you or someone you may love go through. At least it can appear that way. Because when things do get hard and they will, our vision can be blurred of what may be standing right before us...a lending hand.

As I tried to continue my week of wondering each and every second of each and every day what Harry was doing in San Diego with a girl named Goldie I began to second guess myself as a person and if in fact I was so blind to what was right before me. All that therapy of learning what the "Red Flags" were and what they represented seemed to be so minuet to me now. I was struggling with remembering my therapy and staying strong but I was just so weak when it came to thinking of Harry and how me made me feel for that brief time we were together.

He had this canny knack of making me feel like I was this beautiful sensual woman filled with possibilities. He brought things out of me to experience and feel I didn't even know a woman could feel. It had been years since I could ever hear myself laugh or have fun. I admit, I was addicted to that feeling, it was a feeling I wanted to hold on to such as a picture in that frame you never want to let go of. I was on edge, I was grief stricken, and then on the other side of that coin, I wanted revenge. I wanted to take him down to his knees for doing this to me. I wanted him to feel the pain I was feeling. I wanted him to beg for mercy, I wanted him to understand that what he did to me went far beyond forgiveness.

After a whole week of biting my nails, not eating, barely sleeping, it took at toll on my productivity at work within the pest control company. I hadn't landed any new accounts for almost two weeks and finally Barry cut me from the company. He called it "failure to provide business" I knew I was in over my head, I had let, truth be told I had given permission for Harry to harbor under my skin and effect me in a way that took a toll on my financial ability to provide for my family. I had sunk to an all time low, not only was Savi my kryptonite but now I allowed Harry to become my kryptonite as well.

The worst thing was I had to come home and tell Sara, Sela, Felix, and my parents I lost my job. Sara was elated I would be home each day after she got home from school because that then meant she was no longer responsible for Sela. Felix was glad because that meant he could go back to the gym and start working out again. My parents of course were trying to be supportive and to find the silver lining by telling me it would be good because I wouldn't have to drive my personal car around anymore causing such great wear and tear. I remember just shrugging my shoulders and taking in a heavy sigh because I was now forced to go back on food stamps once again.

The Knock at the door

It had been a week since I was unemployed and I tell ya, it was kinda great actually. I was able to get up and tend to Sara, make her breakfast again, actually enjoy a cup of coffee, take her to the bus stop  and then come home and hang out with Raiza. Savi was moving along with her pregnancy and within a matter of weeks she was to deliver her newborn baby. Savi and I had learned how to get along mutually and to tolerate each other and we just kept it that way. I kept my thoughts and opinions to myself and she did the same. Dio was still in the picture and loving Savi way more than I felt she deserved.

It was late in the afternoon and Sara just got home from school when I was fixing a snack for her. There was a knock on the front door and Sara gladly went to answer it. She returned to the kitchen when she shocked the crap out of me.

"There is some guy named Harry at the front door. Who's he and why does he want to see you, why is he here?"

I remember stopping in dead motion of making Sara's snacks and freezing up. I couldn't believe he was here, why was he here and what did he want? My heart raced with anxiety and I began to tremble mixed with emotions. Part of me wanted to jump into his arms and the other part of me just wanted to walk up and slap him in the face so badly leaving a hand print behind.

"Mom," said Sara, "what do you want me to do? Should I tell him your not here or your busy, what?"

"No, baby, I will take care of it." I put down the knife inhaled and then exhaled and walked right up to the front door, opened it and took a long look at Harry and before he could say a word, I slammed the door right on his face. What Harry did was walk around to the back door of my mobile home and he just walked right into the kitchen where I was at.

And the fight began.....

"Why did you get fired from the pest control company and why didn't you tell me?" I just stood there wide-eyed and puzzled at what he said to me. I giggled a cynical laugh shocked that he could even ask me that.

"Oh I don't know, maybe because your phone was off for an entire week while you were in San Diego with "Goldie" what, you didn't think I was going to find out? Really? I see you each and every day for two months and then POOF! your gone."

It dawned on me right then and there I wondered how he found out where I lived, how did he get my address, let alone who gave it to him?