I was recently asked the other day what the title to my blog represented. I pondered on the fact that maybe the title can be throwing people of what it exactly meant. I offered the kind woman to meet me for coffee and I would share my analogy.
As we sat down within the coffee shop I asked her if she ever watched her father do any gardening. The puzzled along with the confused look on her face quickly told me no she never did.
I dove into how my father loved gardening. He loved planting things and watching them grow. He loved seeing what he created from the rocky ugly brown dirt into a lush green garden filled with rainbows of floral colors along with different colors of green plants. I continued to share how we had this part of the back area of the house which was difficult to get to and of course nothing would ever grow due to no sun shining giving growth to the things that would be planted there. So, my father went out and purchased these beautiful stone steps. They were decorative in style and large enough for anyone to be able to stand on.
Once he began mapping out just where the stones were to be laid, I asked him as a little girl, "why do you have to map out where the stones will go daddy?" and he replied, "because each stone is a representation of my hard work. He continued to tell me that each stone must be secure where it is planted. Some of the stones that will be laid will crack and some won't. I remember asking him why some will crack and some won't.
He told me, "because what may seem secure on the outside may and could be weak on the inside. Yet, when all is said and done you can look back at the stepping stones you have laid and see just where you have started, where you been, how you needed to manipulate some to give them strength, and where you will end." He then continued to tell me...
"Life is just like these stepping stones, you must be careful with the placement of these stones. Take your time, place them gently, be kind, be respectful of what each stone is trying to tell you. For each stone that is placed of your life, it is a creation of where you have been and where you are going."
I'm Sorry You Said What?
After feeling like an investigator questioning Harry it dawned on me that he felt horrible for what he did to Goldie. I began to wonder if he had unresolved issues with her and would he in fact go back to her behind my back.
Love and trust go hand in hand, if you don't have one then you certainly do not have the other. You can never love someone and never trust them, it is humanely impossible. There will be doubt, emptiness, sadness, and always the questioning of where they are. You will always question if they are in fact ever telling you the truth.
"I just needed to get away from her, there was no future with her and for some reason, I see my life with you Dee. I see being with you, I see myself loving you something I never saw my life with Goldie."
I could feel my jaw beginning to clench from the mixed emotions of anger and fear. Of course my leg began to jiggle up and down from nervousness and trust me I was once again churning butter. I was now feeling like I was the leading cause of someone breaking up after seven years.
You see I am a firm believer if you can be with someone for so many years and you both hit a rocky point, why can't the couple pull in the strength of what they grew together just like those stepping stones.
I am not completely ignorant to people just falling out of love, but I have always questioned what made them fall out of love and why. I know I just didn't want to be the mathematical answer to the equations of Harry's now very confused life. Not only was Harry confused but I quickly began to feel like the factor in this stupid crazy love triangle. But there was this "voice" hanging over my head repeatedly telling me, "don't you give up, fight the fight, you love him, show him your weakness, show him how you value him as a man, take that and keep that man dear to your heart."
So, with my now very evident loss of self-esteem, no pride in myself, or self-worth, I got up from the table and walked over to Harry and took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom we would now share. I was exhausted from the night before from no sleep wondering where he was and Harry was ready to fall over from exhaustion as well. We just both went to bed and laid there in each other's arms the rest of the night.
When morning came I woke up to the empty space in my bed I began feeling for the warmth of Harry and I never felt that. Instead I just felt the cold empty space and I wondered if I dreamt all of this. I got up and for some reason I walked into the closet to see if his clothes were still there. I never bothered to look on the bathroom counter for his things, it was his clothes that would tell a story.
There in the closet hung all of his suits, his ties, his dress shoes, where I reached out clinging to one of his suit while taking in a deep sigh of relief. Yes, he was here after all. I headed to the bathroom when I was interrupted by a door swinging open then slamming into the bedroom wall.
"What you do mean Harry moved in, you never even asked me or us if it was okay. I cant believe you let this man move in, some man you barely know." It was Sara and she was just pissed. Her face beaming bright red and lighting bolts of anger coming from her black eyes.
"You never talked to us to see how we felt about it, its like you didn't take us into consideration how we felt about, your a selfish mother only thinking of yourself." After that Sara just stormed out of the bedroom and that was when I heard her telling Harry to not speak to her to leave her alone. I heard her bedroom door slam shut which of course rattled the windows all over.
And it didn't stop there. Raiza came over when she saw Harry's car in the morning and she of course put in her own two cents of how careless I was being, how dumb I was acting. Felix of course had to throw his thoughts into the ring about his concerns with how Harry would be with "his" daughter.
The odd thing was the only person that accepted Harry being there was Savi. She loved the idea of him being there. I was just being attacked left and right and I remember I just didn't care. I then also exploded and retaliated to the many voices within the home.
I yelled for everyone to come to the living room. I was pissed, I was angry and I was not going to let anyone or anything come in between what I thought or felt.
"If you are so concerned Felix about your "daughter" then you should of been more of a man and stayed to make this marriage work but you didn't. So, I found someone so what, get over it. And for you little Sara missy, the last thing I need is for you to come barreling into my room making your demands about my life. I am sick and tired of everyone telling me how to live, what to do, how to behave, how to act, giving me threats, one cop after the next at my door, countless CPS workers because I have a daughter with her head up her ass, and now you Raiza, you want to throw in your "Christianity" about how wrong it is to live with someone. Well, guess what lady, its wrong to have an alcoholic for a husband. Now I am done with everyone living my life for me, I am taking charge of my life and it is going to involve Harry. If any of you don't like that, well you better find someway to make it work for you because he is not going anywhere."
After my explosion the room just fell silent. I could feel my jumbled nerves taking over and turned on my heels got dressed and headed back to the living room. I grabbed my purse and keys then bolting out the back door, climbing into my car and taking off leaving everyone behind.
Because at that point, I didn't care anymore what anyone thought, felt, or wanted to know.