Friday, February 17, 2017

Human Instincts

Human instincts behavior is it something that we are born with, or is it something that we learn as life passes us by? Take for example all the life's lessons that come down the pike. Do we visually see human instinct behavior as "Red Flags" the one topic I knew about very well yet sometimes often chose to ignore.

What is the psychological reason we who know and understand what "Red Flags" are we chose to ignore them. Is it fear of what the unknown is from the final outcome? If we have no reason's to hide or disguise our feelings from the certain people that have touched our lives either good, bad, or indifferent, there is going to be people we choose to spend more time with then those we choose to ignore. Are the ones that we ignore the "Red Flags" and should we pay attention to those red flags?

The truth be told, if we like certain people we will go above and beyond what ever we can do to make them happy, feel appreciated, to have them feel liked, we will spend time with them wanting to get to know them yet, on the other hand, when we do dislike someone or we have become angry with them, we want to ignore them when we see them walking towards us. We will ditch into an alley, or find a place that we can blend into to not be noticed. We will go above and beyond to avoid that one person which is the on the opposite side of the spectrum.

When it comes to Harry, he could of been standing on the highest of mountains waving the most biggest and giant "Red Flag" and I would be running towards him claiming my stake in him, shouting for the world to know that I loved him yet, he would wrap his arms around another woman claiming his love to not only her, but to me as well.

Strength vs. Courage

My mother once told me, "A true salesman can sell ketchup to a ketchup factory or snow to an Eskimo they have the talent and knack to manipulate you into saying "YES" even when you want to say "NO" and Harry was no different.

Harry's expression on his face when I confronted him about Goldie was actually priceless now that I have had years of space and time and now current reliving of my life. I remember I needed to know where I stood with him and no matter how much I tried to remain true to my feelings, how many times I told myself I was going to be strong or how many times I heard Raiza's voice in my head, "he is a cheater, he will break your heart, kick that man to the curb" I kept telling myself I deserved better than this, I deserved someone who was going to be loyal to me and me only. I could feel my strength building and I was going to make my demands and they were going to be heard.

"So, what are your plans about Goldie, what are you going to tell her, does she know your here, and why did you shut off your phone when she called you six times on top of the hill?" I remember my heart feeling like it was beating out of chest ready to explode to land on the dinning room table. I wanted to take it and hand my beating heart to Harry telling him to be gentle with it. My legs were shaking and bouncing under the table and I was holding my breath waiting with anticipation on what he was going to tell me.

Harry just kept looking around the house I could tell he was nervous and he was at a loss for words. He kept going from looking around to looking down at the table. Not once did he look at me or try to understand what I was wanting from him.

"What is it Harry, did you think I wasn't going to find out? Did you think that you could of carried on this charade and for how long? It was bound to surface sooner or later, it just happened to come sooner. Maybe, just maybe, I was supposed to find out for myself so I can make my own judgments and decisions about being with you. There isn't room in my life for "HER" and you."

Harry just continued to sit in silence and now he was growing so shaky himself. I was losing my patience and we were soon interrupted by Dio saying good bye to Savi for the night. He told her he would pick her up tomorrow for her doctors appointment. She was now at the point of her pregnancy that she was now attending doctor appointments weekly. She was due in seven weeks and she was as big as house. Cassandra and Phillip also were attending all appointments now each week and I was wondering what the final outcome was and when Savi was going to decide.

I remember looking around the room first at Harry, then at Savi wondering how my life had come to this. A teen daughter knocked up and unsure what she was going to do and now Harry a man who claimed he loved me yet involved with another woman. He was living with her and sharing space with her, a home with her, money, love, everything with her.

I stood up from the table then pushed in the chair. I grasped the top of the dinning room chair clutching it so tightly I could see my knuckles turning white. I kept biting the inside of my mouth trying to reframe from my blade like tongue which at that point I wanted to spice and dice him all the way down to his feelings, I wanted to watch him bleed so he could get any sense of the pain he was putting me through. Yet, I was actually no better then him. I allowed this man to hold my hand, whisper how he loved me in the car, welcoming him into my home, meeting my children. That was when it dawned on me, I was the other woman. I was wrecking a home a love this woman had for Harry and it made me sick to my stomach but I was weak, I was vulnerable, I wanted him and I wanted him badly and it just wasn't connecting or making sense of why. I mean I knew why, it was all I thought I could get, it was the only man that ever paid attention to me since my life turned upside down with Savi.

I guess that saying stands true, "You always want what you can't have, and when you can't seem to get it, you will fight for it to make it happen no matter who you step on or who you hurt in the process."

For some reason I saw a future with this man. Funny as it sounds, I saw my life with him and I had not connected with someone this much and on this level in years and I just wasn't ready to let go but at the same time, I wanted to torture him. When I was with Harry my heart would sing, there was a closeness that I felt that was so real to me. It was like I was alive when I was with him and when I wasn't I felt dead.

"So, let me get this straight Harry, when your with me is she not giving you what you want so you come running to me is that happens? Is there some fulfillment that you get from being with both of us, are we your conquered quest, something to brag about?"

Still, he never said a word to me. Savi had come in after saying goodbye to Dio and I could tell that she sensed something was wrong, the look on her eyes told me that she could feel the tension in the room from both of us and made a turn around taking to her room for the night. It was almost two in the morning and I was exhausted and I could tell that Harry was growing tired just as much as me. But for some reason the longer he stayed silent, my exhaustion was turning to energy. 

The inside of my mouth was getting sore from me biting it and finally I just exploded my anger had reached a new level the tone of my voice was fierce....

"Answer me dammit, tell me something, don't just sit there like a fat ass log, tell me something, tell me you hate me, you love me, you want to be with me only or her only, shit Harry, get a friggen spine and tell me something. I deserve that and I certainly don't deserve this. I never asked for this or headed to the top of the line to sign up for this stupid life you have."

Harry stood up and walked over to me taking me into his arms. His touch made my body shiver, his smell made my knees weak and feeling his body against mine just made me want him even more now. He just kept hugging me and then he finally whispered "I love you, I want to be with you, but I can't be with you and her, your right, but if I end it with her, where do I live, where do I go?"

I only knew Harry for a total of just two months if that and what came out of my mouth just shocked me..."you can move in here."