Sunday, February 19, 2017

Guilty or Innocent

There is always one man or woman, maybe two, but typically one that can and will bring you to your very knees. It can and will resemble a car accident tossing us about leaving rigged scars only visible to us. It can feel like a sucker punch so strong and given with such force we drop to our knees gasping while we struggle for air. We are weak to the very sight of this one person, we lose all sense of what reality is versus fairy tale. We will often push reality out of the way while struggling to make the fairy tale come true.

Is it possible to be guilty and innocent at the same time? Yes, take for example, on average through a poll taken in one of the most popular women's magazine women were asked, "do you have sex with a man to fall in love or, do you have sex with a man for a one night stand?" 83.5% of women in today's world said they go to bed with a man to fall in love (the innocent) while men go to bed with a woman to have sex (the guilty)

Sex doesn't have to be the culprit of evil, we have all done something during our lifetime that we have been guilty of while hurting the innocent. One of the second biggest "Guilty vs. Innocent" falls under the category of "Family Law." After graduation of law school I landed a job within a family law firm. There I witnessed evil vs. good, manipulation in the finest form, and yes, even death. The jealous husband whose wife is leaving him for another, a mother who is threatening no contact with the kids unless she gets her child support, and parents kidnapping their children for what they say, "for the safety of my kids"

For myself, I was once the innocent now turned evil, and I was mastering my talent of inflicting pain to another.

The Next Day

For one to cause manipulation to another it must be thought out, planned, and then executed. For years Savi was mastering her manipulation with so many people that crossed her life. She had become the master of her own talent if one can call it talent. I have repeatedly said over and over, "you can bully me, but Savi raised me" which in layman's terms means, Savi taught me to always be on my guard, she taught me how to dodge and bi-pass the flying bullets of one's mouth. She taught me to be cold, evil, and yes even vindictive.

But, when it came to Harry, all that evilness and ugliness made me weak at the knees. Yes, he was my kryptonite of love and yearning for wanting another while not caring who got hurt or who's heart broke, I was determined to have him and I never understood why. To this very day I still sit and wonder what was it about him that made me weak, that caused me to ignore the red flags, that has made me more bitter and more ugly from the inside out.

I remember very well now that I pass each page of my journal of Harry, how weak I actually was to him. The sad part is, I truly believed he knew it and used it his advantage. What had angered me the most was the day after he left leaving me to pick up the pieces of my now shattered heart  I could still feel him touching my body caressing me, kissing me, whispering how much he loved me, his smell, and even the sense of no matter where I walked in my house, I saw him everywhere. I just wept in Raiza's arms as she tried consoling me telling me I went to fast, I jumped the gun, that I should of done this or that. I should of played hard to get. I should of left him guessing.

Instead I was the one now guessing where he was, why didn't he come back when he promised he would. Why he turned off his phone. I had become so ignorant to love and this man. All my years of wisdom had just gone out the window and stupidity moved in so fast making itself at home within my heart and mind. I had spent most of the morning crying and I knew I had to pull myself together soon because Sara was about to be dropped off by the bus and Sela would be home soon.

Savi was gone with Dio at her regular doctor's appointment and then both of them were to spend the day together at his parents house. I went to the bathroom splashing cool water on my face. When I looked up I saw my reflections staring back at me. Something I had seen so many times yet this time was different. It was as if I had met her for the first time. She appeared to be exhausted, tired, her eyes both showing signs of pain along with a bloodshot look from crying, the pouty red face, the hunched over body. Once upon a time, she was the strong one staring back at me which I pulled from her strength, but now, she was sad and weak. 

I could hear the bus coming down the rode within the mobile home park and before leaving I looked at the weak strange face in the mirror who resembled me so much telling her she is stronger than this, she is better than this, she deserves better. But then she spoke to me and said, "No, you love Harry, you want him, you need him, you will be weak until I tell you, you have had enough pain."

I just bolted from the bathroom with Raiza in tow and as always she asked if I was okay promising me she would be strong for me and help me get through this. As I walked I wondered how could this man affect me so much after spending one night with him. I guess it is true I went to bed with Harry to fall in love, Harry went to bed with me to have sex. I had fallen in love with him after one night. The love I had for him made me weak, it did not make me think clearly and now I was doing things I thought I would never do..panic about a man loving me and wanting me.

Of course when Sara got off the bus she asked where Harry was, when Savi came home with Dio they both asked where Harry was and when all of their friends came over later that evening, all of them asked where Harry was. Yep he was hypnotic to everyone in the house and they wanted to see him once again. They all wanted the same as the night before. All the questions of him from so many made me weaker but I had yet to try calling him. I did what Raiza told me to do, not call him. To leave him alone. Of course when he was to turn his phone on he would see fifteen missed calls from me something I never told Raiza I did.

Raiza and her kids Jonny and Tiffany along with all of my kids friends stayed for dinner like always so I ordered pizza for everyone. Once it had arrived six large pizzas we turned on "American Idol" sitting back watching some that thought they had talent all of us laughing an making fun of them and the others that really had talent. The house was filled with laughter and Savi was now waddling even more. We all got along, we laughed and the house was warm and filled with love.

I told myself I was going to be okay, I would survive this. I told myself that night I was not in love with Harry enough times that I started to believe it. I heard the back door open and slam shut and then hearing the pounding footsteps of what sounded like a man, Harry turned the corner. He had dress shirts on hangers, suits on hangers, and yes, all the kids got up and ran to him to hug him. I remember Raiza turning to see my facial expression. I was shocked, there was so much commotion in the room. She even mouthed to me to tell him to get out, to leave.

But I didn't, I ran to help him with his clothes, I grabbed some taking them to my room quickly while filling my closet with his clothing. I even cleared a space on my counter for his things. For some reason I was excited to see him. I was giddy with excitement telling myself, "I won, he picked me instead of her, I won, I won." never once did I ever think about what I told him, "you don't pick me asshole, I pick you" I felt like a six year old seeing my Christmas presents under the tree Christmas morning.

I had went from being a woman to now being what I referred to myself as  "Harry's Welcome Mat"