Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Fight the Fight

Being a single mother is never easy, it can and will often appear to be the most thankless job we as single mothers face daily. As a single mother we must be able to wear multiple hats of which I am sure we are all aware of but just in case, we must wear the hat of the provider, protector, educator on life and love, sport coach, right from wrong, I mean the list can and will go on for days often.

As a single mother, I feel it is my job to teach my daughters to face the world head on, to take it in stride and be the strong educated woman I know they can be. I often wonder if I taught them to much when it comes to independence and not to rely on a man. That has always been my biggest downfall when it comes to being a single mother.

Yet, I think one of the best things I have ever taught my daughters is to....

"Fight the fight, you get up each day and face it head on, no two days are every going to be alike. Never surrender to the fight of your life, you take a stance and remain strong. Because giving up to just to damn easy."

I have taught my daughters to educate themselves taking it as far as it can go. Since the dawn of time, women have been fighting to prove that they are strong, smart, intelligent, and what they say and can do is just as valuable as what any man can say and do. The one thing that Raiza was always drawn to was my strength when it came to anything. She grew up in a very Cuban household where she was trained to be the doting submissive wife. No matter what the husband says she obeys, no matter how he treats her she obliges to the needs of her husband.

Prior to Harry being in my life, I would always tell Raiza, "wow you continue to be a welcome mat for your husband, you're going to set women back two hundred years, knock it off."  Yet, when it did come to Harry I tossed out everything I ever fought for, everything I taught my daughters to believe in, to trust, to acknowledge as a strong woman.

I lost myself in this web of love that I had now created. Now, years later I have learned..."Be careful what you create, because your the one that has to live with your own creation" and yes, that includes myself.

My Return Home

After driving around for what seemed like hours, which I knew it wasn't really but it sure did feel that way. I feared giving in to my daughters and throwing out a love that I wanted so badly. Something I felt I deserved but the closer I got to my home the more I began to wonder if I do in fact deserve to be loved and cared for. I kept trying to console myself but the more I tried the guiltier I was beginning to feel. Sara was so scared from Savi and what she had to endure while I ran around trying to save Savi's life for almost five years.

I knew that she missed me as a mom a mom that she so rightfully deserved but yet I was struggling with when was it going to be my turn. When would what I wanted and needed so desperately seem significant, when would the guilt go away? I tried so hard to be there for Sara and the only time I can ever think of was when Savi was away at the mental institutions and it was just Sara and myself. She loved that time and she really didn't get quality time with me so now with Harry in the picture and me losing all sense of reality I knew she was hurting. But for some reason I just didn't care. I was sick and tired of putting my life on the back burner and continue thinking my time would come but as the nights turned into days and days into weeks and weeks in year after year, it just seemed so bleak to me.

As I parked in the shaded parking cover I noticed that Harry's care was still there. I wondered why he didn't go to work or why Sara was still home from school. As I opened my car door I remember hearing music playing loudly and voices of laughter coming from my home. As I entered I saw Harry playing Monopoly with Savi, Dio, and Sara all laughing on how Harry was winning all the properties and the money. I looked in on Sela and she was of course sleeping so peacefully with an empty bottle in her crib and changed from the early morning.

It was as if everything was just perfect. The kitchen was cleaned up, the living room picked up, all the bedrooms cleaned with their beds made, a load of laundry was running and I was then told that my bedroom was cleaned and with the bed made. I struggled daily to get Savi and Sara to clean their rooms and make their beds and here they are playing a game like a family and with clean rooms and their beds made? 

Harry got up and walked over hugging me telling me he loved me and how sorry he was how things blew up. Sara got up next and apologized for yelling at me then it happened. Savi got up and hugged me telling me she loved me and how sorry she was for behaving in a such a negative way for the past months. Secretly I thought to myself, "months, what about years?"

For that brief moment, I felt as if I walked into a Norman Rockwell book or at least someone else's house.

"Go get dressed, I'm taking you out tonight you deserve to be taken out and spoiled. Savi is staying home tonight to watch Sela and Sara is going to her best friends house to spend the night. We are going to have a blast tonight." Harry told me.

Little did I know someone else had something in mind for the both of us and its name is not Silver, it's Goldie and she was determined to put a stop to that night from happening. You see, as I was getting ready I could hear Harry's phone ringing multiple times yet for some reason he never answered it.

I came out to ask him who was calling him and he said it was nobody. But he made the fatal mistake of leaving his phone on the dining room table when he went to get something from his car. So, like the nosey person I am, I picked up his phone and looked and there it was, "Goldie" with six missed calls. My insecurity was beginning to show and its not like I intended to ruin the night but when Harry came back into the house he could tell by the look on my face something was wrong. Plus also the fact that I was holding his phone in my hand.

It was that guilty look in his face that said it all, that guilty tone he took, "what are you doing, why do you have my phone in your hands?"

Like I shared earlier, my tongue resembles the sharpest of blades ever, "well it seems you have some unresolved issues you need to take care of, why is she calling you, what does she want and why would you lie to me telling me it was "nobody" when in fact it is someone, its Goldie."

Harry just stood in the kitchen looking at me but soon he walked over trying to take his phone from my hands but I wasn't about to give it to him. I was growing so angry with him for lying to me in the first place and then it dawned on me.

My piercing glazed eyes staring at him, my anger beginning to rise, my jaw now beginning to clench tightly I just stared at him with such disgust, "I guess it's true, you can't decide what or who you want, me or her. Is that right Harry?"  

I began to question his loyalty, but the most important thing I questioned was myself. Did I want to fight the fight?