Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Unresolved Issues

There is always going to be unresolved issues each and every day of our lives. They can be with neighbors that we choose to ignore, we go out of our way to avoid them so not to rock the boat of our neighbors we see each and every day.

We can have unresolved issues with one of our co-workers making going to a job the most daunting daily experience often leaving one exhausted each and every day where we find ourselves asking why we get up and go to work.

Then we have the unresolved issues with a loved one. A person we share time and space with, a person we seek for comfort and love, a person that we tell "I love you" too yet when times get hard, we choose not to speak of what is bothering us in fear of causing such a rift between each other. Couples each and every day will often turn a blind-eye to issues and causes that can and will leave us feeling insecure and shattered.

Women and men fear rejection and that rejection can and often will turn into insecurity, fear, and let's throw loathing into the hat as well. We end up loathing ourselves because the one thing that we promised ourselves we would never do in any relationship, we suddenly find ourselves accepting things that we know will ultimately break our heart. We find ourselves being the "GIVER" for everything and the one that once cared for our heart, is now taking everything from us.

And why.....? Because we fear often of being alone and I am no different. So we accept until our heart is laying before us shattered and torn and now living with "Unresolved Issues"

"Shocked, Disgusted, and Fearful"

I think the worst or I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to me was when I learned that Harry was actually spending time every Friday night with Goldie and then coming home to me and climbing into bed holding me. I felt so violated, so used, but one would think that a woman going through this would have some self-respect, love herself so much that she would kick such a slim ball to the curb. But not me, nope. I actually went into a tailspin panic of losing Harry.

Now that I can sit back and read my journals of what I was willing to give up and sacrifice for this man makes me so sick. Everything we do, accept, live with, acknowledge, swallow our pride, give up our self-dignity, is a journey to self-discovery.

For me, and me alone, I found out just how weak I was when wanting to be with Harry. There was no amount of super glue that could hold me together or any chosen words from my loved ones yelling at me to kick this man to the curb once my mouth began sharing what he did to me, but for some reason I just held on to this man as if he was my life preserver being tossed out to save me from the wild ripping oceans taking me down to the darkest and deepest parts of the oceans. So, I'm guessing when one sells their soul to the Devil, the Devil will take all of you not just certain parts of you.

As I was driving home from the company picnic the girls never said a word to me. I think they were fearful of saying a word fear of retaliation of what I might do or say. I just remember my world spinning out of control. It was as if my life was in the eye of the tornado spinning at hundred miles per hour and upon looking up, I saw fragments of my life being tossed about from one side to the next. Once we got home the girls climbed out of the car and gladly took Sela into the house. Me, I just paced and paced wondering what was next, what would happen to toss more ugliness into my disturbed life.

That day I never tried to call Harry, and for that fact, he never tried to call me. I felt used and abused by him not physical but mentally abused. I was so angry at myself because I still wanted him for some crazy reason, I still loved him and I still wanted to fight for him. Never did I once ever pack up his things and toss them outside. Nope, instead, I just waited for him to come home. I was hopeless and let's throw in wreck less to anything in front of me. No matter what anyone said, I was not willing to listen or try to comprehend reason and fact.

The rest of the day was just filled with panic attacks, anxiety, and wanting to throw up from fear of this man never wanting me ever again. Part of me was so angry that he took up space and time with Goldie and for brief moments I wondered what mystical magical thing she had that made Harry find his way back to her. I wondered what she looked like, I wondered if she was pretty, if she was thin, I wondered if he loved making love to her more than me and for that fact if he thought of her when he made love to me?

Once Raiza found us home she came over to find out how the company picnic went. I never planned on telling her anything about what happened. The last thing I needed was one of her lectures telling me I went to fast with Harry, or how he moved in to fast, or this or that, or this or that. What I wanted was sympathy, I wanted someone to understand my thinking of why I wanted him, why I loved him, why I was so willing to fight for him. But I guess I couldn't have the support I needed when it didn't make sense me at all.

Well, I wasn't planning on telling her but when Sara heard Raiza in my living room she came bouncing out of her room asking where Tiffany was and then out of the mouths of babes, she gladly shared what happened today. She spoke so quick I couldn't stop her at all. I saw the concern from Raiza's eyes, I saw her wanting to hold me but she struggled with that alone. The fact that she had a husband that drank himself into absolute drunkenness each and every Friday night all the way to Sunday morning and yes he was verbally abusive to his kids Jonny and Tiffany, he tried starting fights with them and Raiza often putting me in the middle where I found myself battling with Raiza's husband whose nickname was "Nacho" short for Ignacio.

I didn't need her to tell me how horrible Harry was and if she was going to do that then I was more than willing to toss her husband into the ring reminding her of the drunken husband she had each and every weekend starting fights with anyone and everyone. Jonny and Tiffany always came running to my house in tears saying how bad their dad was behaving and then following closely behind was Raiza always in tears from her husband's behavior. Me, I would always stand up to Nacho more than ready for a fight with him lecturing him on what he was doing to his kids and wife.

I could do that really easily but when it came to Harry, I was weak and insecure. But Raiza just walked up and hugged me and told me how sorry she was asking me if I needed anything. The minute she wrapped her arms around me I just broke and cried streams of tears flowing down my face asking her over and over, "why doesn't he want me, what is it that Goldie has and I don't."

That night going to bed alone without Harry was the hardest. There was no sound of his soft snoring, there was no love making, there was nothing but a cold empty space to his now side of the bed. I found myself rubbing his side of the bed and finally allowing my tears to flow. I cried so hard I gave myself a bloody nose. I didn't know if I was angry at myself for not making Harry ended things with Goldie and coming to me with a clean slate free from the chains of Goldie or for wanting this man so badly I was willing to share him.

My head and body ached from crying and I had one bloody snot rag after the next that now laid on my nightstand. I just couldn't think anymore so I finally just turned on the television in my room letting the sound of the TV keep me company while I finally allowed sleep to take over.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Self-Exposure

Self-exposure is one of the most private things one can share about themselves. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable is always a risk. We tend to think, "what will they think of me if they actually see me for me?" Will I be judged because of the way I feel, will I be looked at funny, will they talk about me when I walk away, just what will they think of me as a person? Will they find me weak or will they find me stuck up and impersonal?"

Does the tone in your voice expose who you are, how you stand, how you walk, and for that fact, how you treat other's. Do you walk around with a shield of self-protection and your fist up ready for a fight so no one can ever get close to you? I have, I know I have!

But the older I get the wiser I become. I have spent many years fearful of exposing myself for others to see me for me. What if I don't find acceptance from others, is it the way I talk do I portray myself to be a victim of my own circumstances? Taking responsibility for one's own failures is actually human growth it shows courage and conviction and while we shed the "Onion" we hopefully do not come across as a victim.

I do however think that people are so wrapped up on what others will think or say that we tend to keep the pain that harbors inside of us so private that we will choose to die with those secrets never really shedding who we really are.

Take this blog that I am doing, I am revisiting something so private and so painful I too wonder what others will think of me. Will I be judged on the stories that I have so openly shared and often wonder if others actually believe that someone can go through such devastation. Being that I have no clue on how to receive comments or people just fail to leave comments, I guess I will never really know. I am not looking for sympathy or a pat on the back of survival I just want others to know they are not alone when they go through something hard and so bad they cannot imagine others going through their own nightmare.

Do not portray me as a victim because I am not, do not portray me as ignorant because I am not that either yet now years later, once upon a time I probably did play the victim role and ignorant but not anymore.

The Weakest Link

On the very night, I had decided to fight for Harry was the night I became two things. Number one the weakest link to the human existence and number two, Harry's personal welcome mat. I was manipulating Harry when I didn't even know I was manipulating Harry. I would cry throwing myself on him begging and pleading for him to stay. I would fight and claw my way into his world leaving deep seeded wounds mostly within myself but on the outside of Harry's world as well.

When Harry called I never let the phone ring twice, when he was home with me I was attentive, when he wasn't with me I spent countless hours pacing and wondering when he was coming home. Each time I left the home without Harry and then returned, the very first thing I ever did was go check my closet to see if his clothes were still there. I lived in panic and worry twenty-four-seven.

The more time I spent with Harry the more time I was trying to convince myself everything was going to be great and we would have a long loving life together. When my parents came to California from Oregon they made it a point to meet Harry. Harry was pouring on the charm and wit proving to my parents with very little effort as well as his talents he was the best catch in the sea. My mom and dad could of cared less that he was living with me.

They along with anyone that met Harry were in such shock and awe that I had wrangled such an amazing man and how blessed I was to have this great guy in my life. Let's just say that women envied me and wanted to know the secret to finding such a great man.

Harry would spend weekend after weekend taking care of the mobile home fixing things that needed to be fixed which ultimately saved my parents so much money. So of course they approved of him but they never really knew the dark secret that I had kept to myself, me fighting for his time and the fear of never really knowing where he was when he was at work. Being that he was an outside sales manager he never had to spend days at an office. He was free to roam and go wherever his fat little heart wanted to go with no one to answer to but himself.

At night he would charge his phone right next to his side of the bed and of course he made it an effort for it would be on silent ringer and facing upside down so not to see who was calling. I of course tried so many times to see if Goldie was still in his contacts and each time I tried while he was sleeping he would stir in bed and wake up wondering with deep suspicion what I was doing. I couldn't tell if he felt guilty or if I was just a pathetic woman living in fear.

There were times when he had appointments at certain accounts he would always take me with him. I loved when he did that. We had so much fun together. There were great talks, sharing what our future would be but when there were accounts I couldn't go on, I wondered if he would take Goldie. He just seemed to be so private about certain things and other things he wasn't so private about.

You see he never really ever said it was "over between them" and for some reason I just accepted that. I was so scared to give him the ultimatum because I always feared if I did I would be the loser, I would lose someone that accepted me for me because after going through what I went through with Savi and having plenty of dates prior to Harry when it came to the part of sharing my life with Savi no man ever returned twice. Since no man ever returned twice there was always just this resentment I had for Savi but in realty now that I can look back and see things differently, it was my fault for sharing to much too soon.

Yet, when I shared things with Harry about Savi he didn't even bat an eye, he stuck around so that is why I thought he was all I could get. So, I put up with the wondering of where he was, the late-night meetings, the missed appointments he said I couldn't go on and every time he told me what he was doing I never once questioned him ever just out of fear and rejection.

I remember Harry coming home one afternoon I think it was on a Tuesday and he told me he wanted to go out on Friday night with the guys from work. Well one Friday turned into another Friday and another Friday turned into every single Friday night. For weeks, I wondered where he actually was every Friday night. You see Harry was so good at covering his tracks and for each track he covered I believed until that one day he forgot to cover a set of tracks.

We were at a company picnic and two of the guys he claimed to be with every Friday night, well I just had to find out. I stood there worried at their answer, I was beginning to have a panic attack as I walked up to them I needed to know if I was worrying about nothing or if I actually had something to worry about. I had to know if Harry was still seeing Goldie and well, as I joined in on the guys conversation when Harry wasn't around me, I asked the two guys how they enjoyed their Friday nights out with Harry.

I will never forget the look on their faces, they both looked at me confused on what I was asking them. Both of them shaking their heads while trying to follow the conversation I was having with them when one of them finally told me, "I don't know what you're talking about, we don't hang out with Harry each Friday, as a matter of fact we never have."

All of a sudden, all the laughter and fun from the other families at the picnic came to a dead silence in my head. I could feel my legs giving out and my heart pounding out of my chest. The two men knew right then and there they let the cat the out of the bag. They scrambled trying to fix what they said one of them actually told me, "Oh Harry, yeah you mean Harry over there," he pointed to, "sure yeah, we have hung out.." but I cut him off to quickly. With my jaw clenching and my fist tight I just yelled at both of them to shut the hell up and to "F" off.

Of course, Harry saw me talking to both of the men he claimed to be with and I know he saw how mad I was getting then beginning to cry he came running over of course. He took me by my arm and I shoved his hands off of me yelling at him in front of everyone at the picnic. I demanded to know right then and there where he was every Friday night.

I screamed so loud the people playing volleyball stopped to listen. The man who was the BBQ specialist stopped to listen. Wives turned to see me in tears screaming at Harry, kids were watching and I just continued to scream and yell over, "where in the hell have you been each Friday night for the past weeks, what have you been doing, have you been screwing Goldie all this time, are you kissing her, holding her, are you telling her you still love her?"

The worst part was, my kids were there watching this whole thing unfold. They watched their mom come unglued. Harry kept trying to talk to me but I kept yelling and screaming and then it happened, I leaned my entire body back and with such force I slapped him right in the face in front of everyone. I screamed how I was trying to trust him, how I loved him, how I allowed him to move in. I shocked not only myself from my behavior but I also shocked everyone at the picnic.

I heard gasp from so many people and once I realized what I did, well, there was no going back now, my world just became dark, I just metamorphosed into some stark raving bitch attacking Harry hitting him with one blow after the next as everyone stood back and watched.

It was a good thing my car was there I just walked over and took Sela from the arms of some woman I had never met then yelling at Savi and Sara to get into the car. Once I was in I drove off in a rage of anger. Vengeance was the name of my game now.

Friday, February 24, 2017

The Fork in the Road

There is always going to be that fork in the road of life. Each road is labeled "Struggles & Despair" and "Easy Way" and for some reason, we seem to always choose the road of struggles and despair or know someone that always takes that hard road of life and I am no better. I'm guessing we always take it thinking that "It won't happen to me" because the temptation is real it is alive and kicking but it eventually does happen to many people. Especially to the people that we love the most.

Why is it bad things happen to good people? And for that fact, why do good things happen to bad people? When it came to Harry, I think I pitched a tent on the road of struggles and despair then calling it home. Have you ever been on the verge of doing something and everyone can see the danger up ahead except you? Their voices are bellowing at you, "this is going to be really bad for you (fill in name) don't do it. It is going to blow up in your face."

Yet, we never listen to reason, we never try to understand it, we just want to prove how the ones that are making sense and logic that they are in fact wrong.

Yep, I have fallen into the category that every man or women fall into thinking that we can "change" the person that we are with. That our love is going to be exactly what the other person needs. Before we know it, we have molded ourselves into a life that we never knew we could ever live. Take Rick for example, Savi and Sara's dad. With all the abuse that I suffered from him, from all the punches and blows to my face and body, I would stay awake for night after night thinking how to get this man to love me more and not hit me any longer.

Well, when it came to Harry, I was doing the exact same thing minus the physical abuse, now it had turned to emotional abuse and I was right back to where I was years ago. Trying to figure out away for this man to love me so much that Goldie would no longer be an issue for Harry.

I made it my goal to focus on where I was instead of where I was going. I spent so much energy selling my soul to the devil and when I signed on the dotted line, he took with him my dignity and self respect as collateral.

Who was I?

It seems that we can always give the best advice for others except when it comes to ourselves, we just can't do what we preach. I could have sat there with a friend of mine and seen the dirty laundry that was being aired out from some snake in the grass but I couldn't see the writing on the walls of my own life. I think I was that ignorant and desperate for Harry to be in my life and my reasoning of was because there was laughter, there was adventure, travels, money, and I mean UNLIMITED amount of money, the best sex I had ever had in my life, and a man that could make me feel good as a woman. I was experiencing things with my life that I had never had before. This was new and exciting.

I was so confused if in fact he was the right man for me. I know that my parents were pushing me to keep things going with Harry and the one thing that they never knew about was Goldie and I wasn't about to toss that in the ring with my parents. For what? so they can throw it back in my face later down the road? Or possibly humiliation of me not being able to find the right guy?

I do know that once Harry retrieved his phone from me he actually told me that Goldie wanted him to come and get the rest of his belongings so that she could move on with her life. Well, that is what he told me and that is what I believed.

Yet at the same time it felt as if my gut just wanted to jump from my very body and slap me right in the face yelling at me, "you're such a dumbass, really, your actually going to believe that? you're such a weak sad woman wake up idiot." 

We actually did go out that night. Harry drove us to one of the casinos about seventy five miles away. He always knew where all the casinos were. It was meant to be a surprise and once there I told him I didn't have money to gamble with. He of course told me not to worry that he had that covered. I was hurting for money pretty badly, I needed food in the house and my child support from Felix wasn't coming for another two weeks.

Once we were inside I saw little dollar signs dancing in Harry's eyes. He proudly took me by my hand and lead me throughout the casino. He boasted to strangers everywhere how I was his beautiful girlfriend that he loved to the ends of the earth. He showered me with attention and lots of money. He had me sit in front of one of the slot machines and handed me two hundred dollars. I fell out of my skin seeing that much money. Now I am not one to ever play with money like that because money always came so hard for me to ever have. He kept urging for me to put it into the slot machine smiling and rubbing my back repeatedly telling me it was okay not to worry about the money.

So, I did. Of course, I lost it all, I never won a single dime. I felt so horrible losing his two hundred dollars and told him how sorry I was over and over. He finally took my face into his hands and told me with his soft deep black eyes how much he loved me. He kissed me gently and then told me not to worry about it, that there was more where that came from. I never really asked him about his financial situation because I felt it was to early to talk about that. I know I was so confused on such a topic. Here I was sharing a bed with this man, my home, my everything and for some reason I could never bring myself to ask him about his financial situation.

So, while we were at the casino he leads me over to a slot machine where I stood by and watched him throw money in over and over. Sometimes he would win and keep playing and sometimes he would lose and still throw in more money. Finally, he reached into his pocket and handed me another two hundred dollars. He told me to go walk around and find a machine I wanted to play.

I'm not proud of what I did but my mind went to "Fight or Flight" so maliciously choose "Flight" I was stressed out about money and food and gas for my car, so I pocketed the money. I stuffed it deep into my pockets so he couldn't see it and just continued to walk around the casino. I saw people crying because they lost, I saw people yelling and screaming then punching the machines, and some were so glued to the chairs they had this robotic attitude, money in, arm down, lose money.

I would continue making my rounds and when I felt I was gone long enough I would find my way back to Harry telling him I lost it again. He reached into his pocket and then gave me a hundred dollars. I would tell him I'm going to make my way around and find a machine and he never questioned me asked me to stay with him. He was to hypnotized by the slot machines and winning. I repeated once again, stuffed the money into my pocket then made my way back and told him I lost it once again. Let's just say by the time he finally gave up the slot machines and he wanted to go home I had five hundred dollars in my pocket.

It was almost one in the morning when we made our way back home when Harry's cellphone rang. At first I panicked thinking it was the girls calling wondering where we were and if they were even okay. But it wasn't the girls, it was Goldie. Harry went to turn off his phone but I stopped him telling him to just answer it and take care of it and be done with it finally. What I really wanted to do was take his phone and throw it out the window while driving on the freeway.

I still remember the conversation as if it happened just seconds ago.

Harry: What is it Goldie what do you want, its over between you and me.
Goldie: Sobbing uncontrollably, repeatedly telling him to come home, she missed him, how sorry she was, she will change, she will be better, what can she do to make things right. How they spent seven years together and not to throw this away.
Harry: I just want something different, better, and its Dee I'm sorry, it's over.

As they continued to talk on the phone I saw a tinge of pain in Harry's eyes, I could see it really bothered him that she was hurting so badly. I knew he still loved her very much it was written all over his face. I mean come on, you don't just throw seven years out the window over night and not feel anything for someone. I'm not completely cold hearted and ignorant to love.

When he hung up I could see his was just riddled with confusion on what to do. Stay with me out of guilt of putting me in this situation or going home to Goldie.

"You know Harry, I have come to the conclusion that I am now the other woman. You have so easily put me in that position something I swore I would never do or be. I love you, I do love you so much, when I'm not with you my heart breaks I wonder where you are, if your with HER, or not with HER, its just eating me up and I just can't live with this way."

Harry just sat in his car feeling so guilty and maybe he needed to hear this or maybe I just needed to say it. But was I saying it for all the wrong reasons or the right reasons. So, I decided to take my pride, my self-esteem, along with any dignity I had left within myself and tossed it right out the window while driving down the freeway deciding I was just going to fight for him.

"You chose me, you said you loved me, you said you wanted to be with me, how can you love two women at the same time. I'm the one that loves you the most, I want to be with you, pick me pick me I am the one that can make you happy not HER!"

I remember right at that moment how I began to cry so hard and shake I didn't care what happened to her or how she wanted him, I wanted him and I was determined to get him no matter what and no matter at what cost.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Fight the Fight


Being a single mother is never easy, it can and will often appear to be the most thankless job we as single mothers face daily. As a single mother we must be able to wear multiple hats of which I am sure we are all aware of but just in case, we must wear the hat of the provider, protector, educator on life and love, sport coach, right from wrong, I mean the list can and will go on for days often.

As a single mother, I feel it is my job to teach my daughters to face the world head on, to take it in stride and be the strong educated woman I know they can be. I often wonder if I taught them to much when it comes to independence and not to rely on a man. That has always been my biggest downfall when it comes to being a single mother.

Yet, I think one of the best things I have ever taught my daughters is to....

"Fight the fight, you get up each day and face it head on, no two days are every going to be alike. Never surrender to the fight of your life, you take a stance and remain strong. Because giving up to just to damn easy."

I have taught my daughters to educate themselves taking it as far as it can go. Since the dawn of time, women have been fighting to prove that they are strong, smart, intelligent, and what they say and can do is just as valuable as what any man can say and do. The one thing that Raiza was always drawn to was my strength when it came to anything. She grew up in a very Cuban household where she was trained to be the doting submissive wife. No matter what the husband says she obeys, no matter how he treats her she obliges to the needs of her husband.

Prior to Harry being in my life, I would always tell Raiza, "wow you continue to be a welcome mat for your husband, you're going to set women back two hundred years, knock it off."  Yet, when it did come to Harry I tossed out everything I ever fought for, everything I taught my daughters to believe in, to trust, to acknowledge as a strong woman.

I lost myself in this web of love that I had now created. Now, years later I have learned..."Be careful what you create, because your the one that has to live with your own creation" and yes, that includes myself.


My Return Home

After driving around for what seemed like hours, which I knew it wasn't really but it sure did feel that way. I feared giving in to my daughters and throwing out a love that I wanted so badly. Something I felt I deserved but the closer I got to my home the more I began to wonder if I do in fact deserve to be loved and cared for. I kept trying to console myself but the more I tried the guiltier I was beginning to feel. Sara was so scared from Savi and what she had to endure while I ran around trying to save Savi's life for almost five years.

I knew that she missed me as a mom a mom that she so rightfully deserved but yet I was struggling with when was it going to be my turn. When would what I wanted and needed so desperately seem significant, when would the guilt go away? I tried so hard to be there for Sara and the only time I can ever think of was when Savi was away at the mental institutions and it was just Sara and myself. She loved that time and she really didn't get quality time with me so now with Harry in the picture and me losing all sense of reality I knew she was hurting. But for some reason I just didn't care. I was sick and tired of putting my life on the back burner and continue thinking my time would come but as the nights turned into days and days into weeks and weeks in year after year, it just seemed so bleak to me.

As I parked in the shaded parking cover I noticed that Harry's care was still there. I wondered why he didn't go to work or why Sara was still home from school. As I opened my car door I remember hearing music playing loudly and voices of laughter coming from my home. As I entered I saw Harry playing Monopoly with Savi, Dio, and Sara all laughing on how Harry was winning all the properties and the money. I looked in on Sela and she was of course sleeping so peacefully with an empty bottle in her crib and changed from the early morning.

It was as if everything was just perfect. The kitchen was cleaned up, the living room picked up, all the bedrooms cleaned with their beds made, a load of laundry was running and I was then told that my bedroom was cleaned and with the bed made. I struggled daily to get Savi and Sara to clean their rooms and make their beds and here they are playing a game like a family and with clean rooms and their beds made? 

Harry got up and walked over hugging me telling me he loved me and how sorry he was how things blew up. Sara got up next and apologized for yelling at me then it happened. Savi got up and hugged me telling me she loved me and how sorry she was for behaving in a such a negative way for the past months. Secretly I thought to myself, "months, what about years?"

For that brief moment, I felt as if I walked into a Norman Rockwell book or at least someone else's house.

"Go get dressed, I'm taking you out tonight you deserve to be taken out and spoiled. Savi is staying home tonight to watch Sela and Sara is going to her best friends house to spend the night. We are going to have a blast tonight." Harry told me.

Little did I know someone else had something in mind for the both of us and its name is not Silver, it's Goldie and she was determined to put a stop to that night from happening. You see, as I was getting ready I could hear Harry's phone ringing multiple times yet for some reason he never answered it.

I came out to ask him who was calling him and he said it was nobody. But he made the fatal mistake of leaving his phone on the dining room table when he went to get something from his car. So, like the nosey person I am, I picked up his phone and looked and there it was, "Goldie" with six missed calls. My insecurity was beginning to show and its not like I intended to ruin the night but when Harry came back into the house he could tell by the look on my face something was wrong. Plus also the fact that I was holding his phone in my hand.

It was that guilty look in his face that said it all, that guilty tone he took, "what are you doing, why do you have my phone in your hands?"

Like I shared earlier, my tongue resembles the sharpest of blades ever, "well it seems you have some unresolved issues you need to take care of, why is she calling you, what does she want and why would you lie to me telling me it was "nobody" when in fact it is someone, its Goldie."

Harry just stood in the kitchen looking at me but soon he walked over trying to take his phone from my hands but I wasn't about to give it to him. I was growing so angry with him for lying to me in the first place and then it dawned on me.

My piercing glazed eyes staring at him, my anger beginning to rise, my jaw now beginning to clench tightly I just stared at him with such disgust, "I guess it's true, you can't decide what or who you want, me or her. Is that right Harry?"  

I began to question his loyalty, but the most important thing I questioned was myself. Did I want to fight the fight?

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Life's Stepping Stones

I was recently asked the other day what the title to my blog represented. I pondered on the fact that maybe the title can be throwing people of what it exactly meant. I offered the kind woman to meet me for coffee and I would share my analogy.

As we sat down within the coffee shop I asked her if she ever watched her father do any gardening. The puzzled along with the confused look on her face quickly told me no she never did. 

I dove into how my father loved gardening. He loved planting things and watching them grow. He loved seeing what he created from the rocky ugly brown dirt into a lush green garden filled with rainbows of floral colors along with different colors of green plants. I continued to share how we had this part of the back area of the house which was difficult to get to and of course nothing would ever grow due to no sun shining giving growth to the things that would be planted there. So, my father went out and purchased these beautiful stone steps. They were decorative in style and large enough for anyone to be able to stand on.

Once he began mapping out just where the stones were to be laid, I asked him as a little girl, "why do you have to map out where the stones will go daddy?" and he replied, "because each stone is a representation of my hard work. He continued to tell me that each stone must be secure where it is planted. Some of the stones that will be laid will crack and some won't.  I remember asking him why some will crack and some won't.

He told me, "because what may seem secure on the outside may and could be weak on the inside. Yet, when all is said and done you can look back at the stepping stones you have laid and see just where you have started, where you been, how you needed to manipulate some to give them strength,  and where you will end." He then continued to tell me...

"Life is just like these stepping stones, you must be careful with the placement of these stones. Take your time, place them gently, be kind, be respectful of what each stone is trying to tell you. For each stone that is placed of your life, it is a creation of where you have been and where you are going."


I'm Sorry You Said What?

After feeling like an investigator questioning Harry it dawned on me that he felt horrible for what he did to Goldie. I began to wonder if he had unresolved issues with her and would he in fact go back to her behind my back.

Love and trust go hand in hand, if you don't have one then you certainly do not have the other. You can never love someone and never trust them, it is humanely impossible. There will be doubt, emptiness, sadness, and always the questioning of where they are. You will always question if they are in fact ever telling you the truth.

"I just needed to get away from her, there was no future with her and for some reason, I see my life with you Dee. I see being with you, I see myself loving you something I never saw my life with Goldie."

I could feel my jaw beginning to clench from the mixed emotions of anger and fear. Of course my leg began to jiggle up and down from nervousness and trust me I was once again churning butter. I was now feeling like I was the leading cause of someone breaking up after seven years.

You see I am a firm believer if you can be with someone for so many years and you both hit a rocky point, why can't the couple pull in the strength of what they grew together just like those stepping stones.

I am not completely ignorant to people just falling out of love, but I have always questioned what made them fall out of love and why. I know I just didn't want to be the mathematical answer to the equations of Harry's now very confused life. Not only was Harry confused but I quickly began to feel like the factor in this stupid crazy love triangle. But there was this "voice" hanging over my head repeatedly telling me, "don't you give up, fight the fight, you love him, show him your weakness, show him how you value him as a man, take that and keep that man dear to your heart."

So, with my now very evident loss of self-esteem, no pride in myself, or self-worth, I got up from the table and walked over to Harry and took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom we would now share. I was exhausted from the night before from no sleep wondering where he was and Harry was ready to fall over from exhaustion as well. We just both went to bed and laid there in each other's arms the rest of the night.

When morning came I woke up to the empty space in my bed I began feeling for the warmth of Harry and I never felt that. Instead I just felt the cold empty space and I wondered if I dreamt all of this. I got up and for some reason I walked into the closet to see if his clothes were still there. I never bothered to look on the bathroom counter for his things, it was his clothes that would tell a story.

There in the closet hung all of his suits, his ties, his dress shoes, where I reached out clinging to one of his suit while taking in a deep sigh of relief. Yes, he was here after all. I headed to the bathroom when I was interrupted by a door swinging open then slamming into the bedroom wall.

"What you do mean Harry moved in, you never even asked me or us if it was okay. I cant believe you let this man move in, some man you barely know." It was Sara and she was just pissed. Her face beaming bright red and lighting bolts of anger coming from her black eyes.

"You never talked to us to see how we felt about it, its like you didn't take us into consideration how we felt about, your a selfish mother only thinking of yourself." After that Sara just stormed out of the bedroom and that was when I heard her telling Harry to not speak to her to leave her alone. I heard her bedroom door slam shut which of course rattled the windows all over.

And it didn't stop there. Raiza came over when she saw Harry's car in the morning and she of course put in her own two cents of how careless I was being, how dumb I was acting. Felix of course had to throw his thoughts into the ring about his concerns with how Harry would be with "his" daughter.

The odd thing was the only person that accepted Harry being there was Savi. She loved the idea of him being there. I was just being attacked left and right and I remember I just didn't care. I then also exploded and retaliated to the many voices within the home.

I yelled for everyone to come to the living room. I was pissed, I was angry and I was not going to let anyone or anything come in between what I thought or felt.

"If you are so concerned Felix about your "daughter" then you should of been more of a man and stayed to make this marriage work but you didn't. So, I found someone so what, get over it. And for you little Sara missy, the last thing I need is for you to come barreling into my room making your demands about my life. I am sick and tired of everyone telling me how to live, what to do, how to behave, how to act, giving me threats, one cop after the next at my door, countless CPS workers because I have a daughter with her head up her ass, and now you Raiza, you want to throw in your "Christianity" about how wrong it is to live with someone. Well, guess what lady, its wrong to have an alcoholic for a husband. Now I am done with everyone living my life for me, I am taking charge of my life and it is going to involve Harry. If any of you don't like that, well you better find someway to make it work for you because he is not going anywhere."

After my explosion the room just fell silent. I could feel my jumbled nerves taking over and turned on my heels got dressed and headed back to the living room. I grabbed my purse and keys then bolting out the back door, climbing into my car and taking off leaving everyone behind.

Because at that point, I didn't care anymore what anyone thought, felt, or wanted to know.

Monday, February 20, 2017

To Error is Human

Forgiveness is one gift that we take for granite. We can either stay mad at others or even ourselves, but we often do not forgive so easily. We tend to tell people, "I will forgive you, but I will not forget" so does that typically mean we forgive out of political kindness? Do we tell others such a sentence to keep them quiet or at bay? Or, do we tell them such a sentence to make them quiet in hopes that they do in fact just "go away"?

I know for a fact I tend to be hard on myself, we do tend to beat ourselves up for things that may seem so minuet to others but in fact it can tear us down as people. Why is it we can find it in our heart of hearts to forgive the one's we love so easily but, when it comes to us as every day human beings, we will tear ourselves apart for making a mistake.

I have made my share of mistakes, I mean TONS of them. If there was a mistake jar for myself and I put one dollar in for every mistake I made, I could retire today without a care in the world and living very comfortably. Why is it we stride for perfection rightfully knowing there is no such things as perfection. Does that old adage "to error is human" does that make us better people to learn from our mistakes or does that mean that we take for granite such a term?

I can sit here blogging about human error when it fact, I have paid the ultimate price when it comes to maliciously intending to hurt the ones around me that loved me so much just for my own personal gain. I have watched tears fall and hearts be broken from the people that love me due to my selfishness and greed. The decisions I have made with no regard to my kids, my parents, or, my extended family has now cast heavy dark shadows within my soul.

So the ultimate question is this;  The ones I have hurt so badly, tattered their hearts and second guess me as a human do they tend to lock up their hearts out of protection from me? Do they keep their feelings mild out of politeness and have they really forgiven me? Have I really forgiven myself of what I have ultimately done to my family?


My Decision, My Life, Stay Out of It

We always say, "We will laugh about this in the future" but even now when I sit and share my past with my best friend Raiza we tend to laugh about things that we have done together but in reality, we share what I have done in the past. The things I have learned from and how such a good friend who is so opposite of me still to this very day remains by my side so faithfully.

Raiza and I are like oil and water but somehow a deep seeded relationship bloomed into something so real and so beautiful. She is timid, shy, and very old fashion as well as loyal to her Christianity. She tends to her husband like a doting wife should. She cooks for him, does his laundry, raises their children while he a trucker remains on the road Monday through Friday each week for the past twenty years.

Me, on the outside of my soul I throw caution to the wind, I can and will push the envelope right off the table and I will challenge others often bringing them to their very knees without a care of what pain I cause them or will cause. I can be (no I am) brutal. I am out spoken, bold, and daring. I have a tongue as quick as the sharpest of knives ever made and I can and will splice and dice others hearts and feelings with my words. I have the ability to see through the very soul of others as if they were saran wrap and after spending less than thirty minutes with them, I have them figured out to the "T"

Yet, the inner of my soul still believes there is love out there for me yet no man will come near me out of fear of my independence, my mannerism, how I speak, or how dare I go against the grain. I have raised my daughters for the majority of their lives alone so I was forced to learn how to do things that typically a man would step in and take care of.

Except when it came to Harry....

When it came to Harry I wanted to do all the things that Raiza was doing for her husband. I wanted to do his laundry, make his lunches, cook the dinners, and be that loving doting person that Raiza was. So, in order to take lessons on just how to do that I turned to Raiza. Yet on that night that he showed up with his clothes in hand, I never once questioned where he was, I never asked what happened,  I never took a stand for myself because all I cared about was that he was there and moving in.

I never asked my kids if it was okay, I never thought to get their opinion or how they felt about it because actually I didn't care. Trust me when I say, "I don't care" it is because I really don't care. I remember seeing out of the corner of my eyes the shock on Raiza's face when I jumped from the couch so quickly taking Harry's clothes then heading to my room which would now become our room.

I sensed the heavy disappointment from her and when Harry and I were done putting his clothes in my closet I went back out to the living room and found Raiza along with everyone else gone. The house was quiet except for the blaring sound of the television that still showed American Idol and who was getting booted from the show.

Paper plates of left over pizza remained on both the coffee table and dinning room table. I selfishly never thought of what my kids were feeling or thinking of just what happened and why Harry was moving in. I never made the attempt to go to their rooms to find out if they were okay. Harry came out of the room changed into his even lounge wear asking me to make him a cup of tea. I of course without question or telling him to make it himself he has two hands let him do it, I bolted to the kitchen turning on the kettle and watching it until it began to whistle.

As I sit here blogging about such an event that night and what just happened I remember my stomach quivering from excitement and anticipation of that evening and what was to come of Harry and myself. I remember thinking what kind of a future we were to have. I wondered if we would get married, all I could think of "ME" and me alone.

I had become this person that I didn't even know existed inside of me yet now, I know what I did to cause such insecurity with my own flesh and blood, my kids. I caused them to question just who this man was and what it would mean to them when it came to him now being part of our family. This man who they have only seen twice and maybe, just maybe spending less than twelve hours with him within the past two days.

But my heart kept telling me it would be okay, that he would play a significant role in their lives, that he would be someone they could turn to, to talk to, to have someone listen. Once I made Harry's tea and placing it before him on the kitchen table I sat across from him. That was when our conversation about Goldie began.

I remember very clearly how Harry just looked beaten down in an almost exhaustive like temperament. I think I must have gone through an entire pack of smokes waiting and wondering what he was going to say to me. My thinking was, "well its not like he's leaving, I mean he brought his clothes over so what could he possibly say?"

So, I broke the silence. "So, what happened?" the very minute I opened my mouth I could sense myself selling my soul to the devil. I was battling in my mind of gaining my self esteem and loving him. I was fragile to his words and I think he knew that. I could feel my chest just pounding while I held my breath waiting for his answer. But nothing came from him. He just sat looking dazed and confused on what he just did to someone he spent seven years with and then moving in with me only within hours of each other.

"Okay, so instead of telling me what happened, just tell me where it went wrong with her and why your here now?"

Harry took in a heavy gasp of air then letting out a heavy sigh, "well for starters, she was just to needy, she was never independent and I think that is what drew me to you so much."

God if he only knew at that very second, that very Nano of a second, how dependent I actually was for him, how I craved him, how I longed for him, how needy I was now becoming for him.

"I guess I just reached a point in the relationship with her where she wanted to get married but I didn't love her enough to get married."

"Oh, and when did you come to that conclusion?" I asked him. The sad thing is I already knew the answer but secretly I prayed it wasn't me, that I was not the concluding factor of breaking up this relationship. I waited on baited breath for his answer and all he could do was just look around the room never really looking at me. Not once.

If Harry got up to go to the kitchen I followed him, if he went to the bedroom I followed him, when he sat down I sat down. When he stood up, I stood up. I know now I was acting like the loyal four legged companion, a dog.

So I took in a deep breath, and just put it out there. "Was I the concluding factor in your break up?" My eyes and face was frozen to his face. Each move, sigh, glance, I was so focused on I was desperately trying to read his movement, his facial expressions, the manner of his tone, the fluttering of his eyes, how he sat in the chair. Any sign that told me he was just now wondering if he made the mistake of his lifetime.

Before I knew it I was the one asking all the questions as if he was the would be criminal and I was the private investigator trying to resolve the mystery behind the crime.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Guilty or Innocent

There is always one man or woman, maybe two, but typically one that can and will bring you to your very knees. It can and will resemble a car accident tossing us about leaving rigged scars only visible to us. It can feel like a sucker punch so strong and given with such force we drop to our knees gasping while we struggle for air. We are weak to the very sight of this one person, we lose all sense of what reality is versus fairy tale. We will often push reality out of the way while struggling to make the fairy tale come true.

Is it possible to be guilty and innocent at the same time? Yes, take for example, on average through a poll taken in one of the most popular women's magazine women were asked, "do you have sex with a man to fall in love or, do you have sex with a man for a one night stand?" 83.5% of women in today's world said they go to bed with a man to fall in love (the innocent) while men go to bed with a woman to have sex (the guilty)

Sex doesn't have to be the culprit of evil, we have all done something during our lifetime that we have been guilty of while hurting the innocent. One of the second biggest "Guilty vs. Innocent" falls under the category of "Family Law." After graduation of law school I landed a job within a family law firm. There I witnessed evil vs. good, manipulation in the finest form, and yes, even death. The jealous husband whose wife is leaving him for another, a mother who is threatening no contact with the kids unless she gets her child support, and parents kidnapping their children for what they say, "for the safety of my kids"

For myself, I was once the innocent now turned evil, and I was mastering my talent of inflicting pain to another.


The Next Day

For one to cause manipulation to another it must be thought out, planned, and then executed. For years Savi was mastering her manipulation with so many people that crossed her life. She had become the master of her own talent if one can call it talent. I have repeatedly said over and over, "you can bully me, but Savi raised me" which in layman's terms means, Savi taught me to always be on my guard, she taught me how to dodge and bi-pass the flying bullets of one's mouth. She taught me to be cold, evil, and yes even vindictive.

But, when it came to Harry, all that evilness and ugliness made me weak at the knees. Yes, he was my kryptonite of love and yearning for wanting another while not caring who got hurt or who's heart broke, I was determined to have him and I never understood why. To this very day I still sit and wonder what was it about him that made me weak, that caused me to ignore the red flags, that has made me more bitter and more ugly from the inside out.

I remember very well now that I pass each page of my journal of Harry, how weak I actually was to him. The sad part is, I truly believed he knew it and used it his advantage. What had angered me the most was the day after he left leaving me to pick up the pieces of my now shattered heart  I could still feel him touching my body caressing me, kissing me, whispering how much he loved me, his smell, and even the sense of no matter where I walked in my house, I saw him everywhere. I just wept in Raiza's arms as she tried consoling me telling me I went to fast, I jumped the gun, that I should of done this or that. I should of played hard to get. I should of left him guessing.

Instead I was the one now guessing where he was, why didn't he come back when he promised he would. Why he turned off his phone. I had become so ignorant to love and this man. All my years of wisdom had just gone out the window and stupidity moved in so fast making itself at home within my heart and mind. I had spent most of the morning crying and I knew I had to pull myself together soon because Sara was about to be dropped off by the bus and Sela would be home soon.

Savi was gone with Dio at her regular doctor's appointment and then both of them were to spend the day together at his parents house. I went to the bathroom splashing cool water on my face. When I looked up I saw my reflections staring back at me. Something I had seen so many times yet this time was different. It was as if I had met her for the first time. She appeared to be exhausted, tired, her eyes both showing signs of pain along with a bloodshot look from crying, the pouty red face, the hunched over body. Once upon a time, she was the strong one staring back at me which I pulled from her strength, but now, she was sad and weak. 

I could hear the bus coming down the rode within the mobile home park and before leaving I looked at the weak strange face in the mirror who resembled me so much telling her she is stronger than this, she is better than this, she deserves better. But then she spoke to me and said, "No, you love Harry, you want him, you need him, you will be weak until I tell you, you have had enough pain."

I just bolted from the bathroom with Raiza in tow and as always she asked if I was okay promising me she would be strong for me and help me get through this. As I walked I wondered how could this man affect me so much after spending one night with him. I guess it is true I went to bed with Harry to fall in love, Harry went to bed with me to have sex. I had fallen in love with him after one night. The love I had for him made me weak, it did not make me think clearly and now I was doing things I thought I would never do..panic about a man loving me and wanting me.

Of course when Sara got off the bus she asked where Harry was, when Savi came home with Dio they both asked where Harry was and when all of their friends came over later that evening, all of them asked where Harry was. Yep he was hypnotic to everyone in the house and they wanted to see him once again. They all wanted the same as the night before. All the questions of him from so many made me weaker but I had yet to try calling him. I did what Raiza told me to do, not call him. To leave him alone. Of course when he was to turn his phone on he would see fifteen missed calls from me something I never told Raiza I did.

Raiza and her kids Jonny and Tiffany along with all of my kids friends stayed for dinner like always so I ordered pizza for everyone. Once it had arrived six large pizzas we turned on "American Idol" sitting back watching some that thought they had talent all of us laughing an making fun of them and the others that really had talent. The house was filled with laughter and Savi was now waddling even more. We all got along, we laughed and the house was warm and filled with love.

I told myself I was going to be okay, I would survive this. I told myself that night I was not in love with Harry enough times that I started to believe it. I heard the back door open and slam shut and then hearing the pounding footsteps of what sounded like a man, Harry turned the corner. He had dress shirts on hangers, suits on hangers, and yes, all the kids got up and ran to him to hug him. I remember Raiza turning to see my facial expression. I was shocked, there was so much commotion in the room. She even mouthed to me to tell him to get out, to leave.

But I didn't, I ran to help him with his clothes, I grabbed some taking them to my room quickly while filling my closet with his clothing. I even cleared a space on my counter for his things. For some reason I was excited to see him. I was giddy with excitement telling myself, "I won, he picked me instead of her, I won, I won." never once did I ever think about what I told him, "you don't pick me asshole, I pick you" I felt like a six year old seeing my Christmas presents under the tree Christmas morning.

I had went from being a woman to now being what I referred to myself as  "Harry's Welcome Mat"

Saturday, February 18, 2017

We Are All Onions

Sitting around watching my favorite television show one evening, I heard the expression, "we are all onions" the character never went into a deep analogy of why we are all onions so I began to ponder on the idea why we are in fact all onions and then it dawned on me why we are.

I was in the kitchen making dinner and I began peeling away at a yellow onion. As I began to peel away the outside making my way to the inside, that was when I had this epiphany of why we are onions. We must peel away the onion in order to get the best part of others. Once we get to the inside we can actually see just who they are. Some people are harder to get to know so we must continue to peel away at the onion in order to get to the best part of the person.

It is just one layer at a time. We must be careful, delicate, loving, and most of all patient. We must not rush the layers while peeling away at one person Once we get to the best part of the onion, the onion with flavor, pizzazz, taste, style, and beauty, it can and will represent the most important part, the other person. We get to know their heart. Understanding the heart of another individual can be a beautiful journey filled with twist and turns, some dark places, some places filled with warmth and compassion.

So, if one or all of you are struggling to get to know someone else, think of the onion and slowly begin to peel the layers. Take your time, do not rush, and once you get to the core of the person you will see the beauty of just who they are. If there is in fact pain embrace it and hold it gently.
Be gentle, be kind, and most of all understanding. For what may seem so trivial to us, can be the most important part of understanding another. Love, love hard, do not make it complicated or filled with demands. Always remember, we all have imperfections and if we really want to take the time to know someone, understand that imperfections can be loved as well.


Putting the cart in front of the horse once again

The crazy thing about love, life, and in general, we are supposed to learn about our mistake and hopefully pray that we never make them again. Yet, we all do for some reason we never learn and I am one great example of it. I can sit and lecture everyone on right versus wrong, but when it comes to my life, I can't make any understanding about my life. I knew the minute I told Harry, "you can move in here with me" I might as well of went out and bought a cart and prayed a horse was going to come along to hook up to the cart.

My mind began to swirl like a tornado ready to take out an entire town. The eye of the tornado was my life, it was filled with turmoil and destruction right about now. I never took into consideration of my kids, my parents, and to boot, Goldie was still not taken care of. I could feel myself getting ready to have a panic attack at the thought of someone taking up the other side of my closet, putting his personals on my bathroom counter, seeing a mans dirty underwear in my laundry basket.

I just wanted to punch myself in my own face. But for some reason I just kept talking and talking and talking. Yep, I had diarrhea of the mouth. Harry of course thought that was the best idea I ever had and never once did he ever mention to me about Goldie and taking care of the sticky delicate "thing" he needed to take care of. Harry took me into his arms and kissed me with such passion, such lust, then taking me by my hand he lead me to "MY" room laid me on the bed telling me over and over, "this is now going to be our room, our bed, where we will make sweet, sweet, love to each other." And, that is just what he did, he made love to me in away a man never ever did. He made me moan and groan in such noises I never made.

Once we laid by each other's side, I was even more in love with him then I thought I could ever be with any one person. I held him tightly while molding him to my own body clinging to him so frightened to let go worrying if I did when would I see him again, what about Goldie, when would he take care of that and would he? I decided to open the floor and start talking about this.

"Harry, you do know that Goldie is just not going to go away, I know for me, if I was her, I would do all I could to fight for the one I love. Just what are your plans and when are you going to talk to her?"

It was just killing me inside that I had allowed myself to become the "other woman" I wanted to tell him how I felt but I feared what he might say or think. I began thinking of the "onion analogy" I began to wonder how "she" felt, would I want to feel that way, what would I do to fight for the man I was with for seven years and what lengths would I go to in order to save what we have?

I remember nudging him a little saying his name over and over when it dawned on me, he does what every man does best...he fell asleep! what is it about a man who has sex then rolls over and falls asleep afterwards? Don't they know that most women want to be coddled and loved, talked to, caressed, they want to be told how much you love her. But nope, not me, he just began a slow faint snoring and I laid there wondering in fear what was next.

Morning Came

I remember waking up to the smells of bacon and bread cooking in my kitchen. I was somewhat disoriented and once I gathered my thoughts I wondered who was in the kitchen. I rolled over to see the clock and sprung out of bed when I noticed it was almost ten-thirty. I had failed to get Sara off to school and Sela ready to see her dad. I opened the door so quickly then bolting out of my room to see Harry making me breakfast.

His plan was to make me breakfast in bed, me, I was panicking on the idea of Sara and Sela. "Sara is at school and Felix came by to get Sela. Nice guy he is, handsome man." I wondered how Sara got to school he didn't know where the bus stop was let alone getting Sela ready.

Harry told me he gave Sara twenty bucks to help him get Sela ready and once she did he would take her to school. He then continued to tell me that Felix was more than happy that I met someone. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Harry placed a plate full of food on the table. Bacon and eggs, cinnamon rolls, coffee, and hash browns. Harry made himself a cup of tea and then sat down across from me at the table.

Harry told me that he heard me questioning him about Goldie and what he was going to do and he shared with me that he was going to go get some of his things and be back. I remember pushing my plate full of food to the side and for some reason I began thinking like a logical person.

When I get nervous my right legs begins to shake bouncing it up and down mixed with nerves and anger at the same time. I remembered my leg bouncing up and down under the table quick enough  I could of churned my own butter. I guess Harry was able to read me like a book.

"I'm coming back, I don't know why your so worried, I chose you." and that was when the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

"You chose me, oh, you chose me, hum, you chose me" the more I said out loud the prissier I got. "So, was I the prize, was I the stuffed animal in the machine that you captured with your claw? You don't choose me asshole, I choose the man who is going to be with me so screw you, I chose you."

I remember Harry just looking at me shocked what I said his eyes wide and confused. Savi came in the kitchen and as always hungry for food. What stunned me the most was she just walked up to Harry and hugged him good morning. I remember my mouth hung open so big I could of caught flies.

"I woke up early and Savi was awake so we began to talk, and she shared a lot of things with me. She was glad to have someone finally understand her." Of course she never said a word to me, she never even looked in my direction. I was so confused on what the hell was going on. This man comes into my life and seemingly take over the roll of "daddy" getting Sara ready for school, Sela, and then understanding the most complicated child ever born.

It then dawned on me once again, Harry peeled away Savi's onion so quickly and I was even more jealous and pissed that she felt she could talk to a perfect stranger. But I have admit, Harry had a way with people. He was so charming and so, so, irritating right at that moment. I had spent years trying to get on Savi's good side and this man comes in and gets to know her in thirty minutes? Get's her to open up about such personal things, things that she would never share with me?

I quickly began to feel like this insignificant dot in the big cold world. I was pissed and so jealous. I began to wonder if Savi was playing Harry like she did me. Was she doing this just to get to me as always and if so, well, she succeeded.

Harry gathered all the dishes along with the pots and pans and began washing dishes while I just continued to sit at the table trying to piece together last night and this morning. I never said a word to him or to Savi, nope, I just sat there. Once he was done Harry told me it would be best if he goes alone to get his things. He promised he would be back in a couple of hours.

I wanted to believe him, I really did. So, I didn't question it but I should of have. So, when he was gone Raiza came over for some fresh coffee and I began to fill her in on last night and this morning. The morning turned to afternoon and the afternoon turned to evening. Of course I tried to call Harry several times and of course he turned off his phone. As the night was about to end I gave up waiting for him to come back. He was now gone almost eleven hours and not one word from him.

I just called it a night I crawled into my bed and just laid there crying soaking my pillowcase. I was so disgusted with myself that I even allowed this asshole into my life. When morning came Raiza stopped by asking me if he ever came back. I just shook my head no and began crying once again.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Human Instincts

Human instincts behavior is it something that we are born with, or is it something that we learn as life passes us by? Take for example all the life's lessons that come down the pike. Do we visually see human instinct behavior as "Red Flags" the one topic I knew about very well yet sometimes often chose to ignore.

What is the psychological reason we who know and understand what "Red Flags" are we chose to ignore them. Is it fear of what the unknown is from the final outcome? If we have no reason's to hide or disguise our feelings from the certain people that have touched our lives either good, bad, or indifferent, there is going to be people we choose to spend more time with then those we choose to ignore. Are the ones that we ignore the "Red Flags" and should we pay attention to those red flags?

The truth be told, if we like certain people we will go above and beyond what ever we can do to make them happy, feel appreciated, to have them feel liked, we will spend time with them wanting to get to know them yet, on the other hand, when we do dislike someone or we have become angry with them, we want to ignore them when we see them walking towards us. We will ditch into an alley, or find a place that we can blend into to not be noticed. We will go above and beyond to avoid that one person which is the on the opposite side of the spectrum.

When it comes to Harry, he could of been standing on the highest of mountains waving the most biggest and giant "Red Flag" and I would be running towards him claiming my stake in him, shouting for the world to know that I loved him yet, he would wrap his arms around another woman claiming his love to not only her, but to me as well.


Strength vs. Courage

My mother once told me, "A true salesman can sell ketchup to a ketchup factory or snow to an Eskimo they have the talent and knack to manipulate you into saying "YES" even when you want to say "NO" and Harry was no different.

Harry's expression on his face when I confronted him about Goldie was actually priceless now that I have had years of space and time and now current reliving of my life. I remember I needed to know where I stood with him and no matter how much I tried to remain true to my feelings, how many times I told myself I was going to be strong or how many times I heard Raiza's voice in my head, "he is a cheater, he will break your heart, kick that man to the curb" I kept telling myself I deserved better than this, I deserved someone who was going to be loyal to me and me only. I could feel my strength building and I was going to make my demands and they were going to be heard.

"So, what are your plans about Goldie, what are you going to tell her, does she know your here, and why did you shut off your phone when she called you six times on top of the hill?" I remember my heart feeling like it was beating out of chest ready to explode to land on the dinning room table. I wanted to take it and hand my beating heart to Harry telling him to be gentle with it. My legs were shaking and bouncing under the table and I was holding my breath waiting with anticipation on what he was going to tell me.

Harry just kept looking around the house I could tell he was nervous and he was at a loss for words. He kept going from looking around to looking down at the table. Not once did he look at me or try to understand what I was wanting from him.

"What is it Harry, did you think I wasn't going to find out? Did you think that you could of carried on this charade and for how long? It was bound to surface sooner or later, it just happened to come sooner. Maybe, just maybe, I was supposed to find out for myself so I can make my own judgments and decisions about being with you. There isn't room in my life for "HER" and you."

Harry just continued to sit in silence and now he was growing so shaky himself. I was losing my patience and we were soon interrupted by Dio saying good bye to Savi for the night. He told her he would pick her up tomorrow for her doctors appointment. She was now at the point of her pregnancy that she was now attending doctor appointments weekly. She was due in seven weeks and she was as big as house. Cassandra and Phillip also were attending all appointments now each week and I was wondering what the final outcome was and when Savi was going to decide.

I remember looking around the room first at Harry, then at Savi wondering how my life had come to this. A teen daughter knocked up and unsure what she was going to do and now Harry a man who claimed he loved me yet involved with another woman. He was living with her and sharing space with her, a home with her, money, love, everything with her.

I stood up from the table then pushed in the chair. I grasped the top of the dinning room chair clutching it so tightly I could see my knuckles turning white. I kept biting the inside of my mouth trying to reframe from my blade like tongue which at that point I wanted to spice and dice him all the way down to his feelings, I wanted to watch him bleed so he could get any sense of the pain he was putting me through. Yet, I was actually no better then him. I allowed this man to hold my hand, whisper how he loved me in the car, welcoming him into my home, meeting my children. That was when it dawned on me, I was the other woman. I was wrecking a home a love this woman had for Harry and it made me sick to my stomach but I was weak, I was vulnerable, I wanted him and I wanted him badly and it just wasn't connecting or making sense of why. I mean I knew why, it was all I thought I could get, it was the only man that ever paid attention to me since my life turned upside down with Savi.

I guess that saying stands true, "You always want what you can't have, and when you can't seem to get it, you will fight for it to make it happen no matter who you step on or who you hurt in the process."

For some reason I saw a future with this man. Funny as it sounds, I saw my life with him and I had not connected with someone this much and on this level in years and I just wasn't ready to let go but at the same time, I wanted to torture him. When I was with Harry my heart would sing, there was a closeness that I felt that was so real to me. It was like I was alive when I was with him and when I wasn't I felt dead.

"So, let me get this straight Harry, when your with me is she not giving you what you want so you come running to me is that happens? Is there some fulfillment that you get from being with both of us, are we your conquered quest, something to brag about?"

Still, he never said a word to me. Savi had come in after saying goodbye to Dio and I could tell that she sensed something was wrong, the look on her eyes told me that she could feel the tension in the room from both of us and made a turn around taking to her room for the night. It was almost two in the morning and I was exhausted and I could tell that Harry was growing tired just as much as me. But for some reason the longer he stayed silent, my exhaustion was turning to energy. 

The inside of my mouth was getting sore from me biting it and finally I just exploded my anger had reached a new level the tone of my voice was fierce....

"Answer me dammit, tell me something, don't just sit there like a fat ass log, tell me something, tell me you hate me, you love me, you want to be with me only or her only, shit Harry, get a friggen spine and tell me something. I deserve that and I certainly don't deserve this. I never asked for this or headed to the top of the line to sign up for this stupid life you have."

Harry stood up and walked over to me taking me into his arms. His touch made my body shiver, his smell made my knees weak and feeling his body against mine just made me want him even more now. He just kept hugging me and then he finally whispered "I love you, I want to be with you, but I can't be with you and her, your right, but if I end it with her, where do I live, where do I go?"

I only knew Harry for a total of just two months if that and what came out of my mouth just shocked me..."you can move in here."

Thursday, February 16, 2017

The Cart in Front of the Horse

Back in the day, people sought out doing the right thing. Take marriage and kids for example. People dated, got to know each other, fell in love, got married and had kids. That was the order for many years for many individuals seeking out love and family.

In today's world there are many couples now putting the cart in front of the horse. They sought out love, got pregnant, had a child then married often having the blissful union of their child brought into the world part of the ceremony of their marriage.

So many people do it and two of the most commonly used phrases are; "Putting the cart in front of the horse, and, counting your eggs before they are hatched."

There are many people that want to believe by putting the cart before the horse or counting those eggs before they are hatched it will work out the way it is supposed to. Happily in love and spending the rest of their lives together. But it doesn't actually pertain to love all the time. It can mean just about anything in life and in general. The hopes for a job promotion thinking and believing they will the chosen one to fill the shoes of the most prominent held position by another. Only to find out that it will in fact be filled by one we never thought would make a great fit.

When it comes to "putting the cart before the horse" or "counting my eggs before they are hatched" I am no different then the rest of the world. Especially when it comes to love and family.


Ingredients:
1 Cup Harry
1 Cup Savi
1 Cup Sara
3 Cups Goldie
1/2 Cup Sela


I honestly didn't know what I was thinking driving down the hill with Harry that overlooks the entire city of where I lived. I was even more confused and on my own guard then I had ever been before. I was now in unfamiliar territory and to be honest, I never thought in a million years I would be the one to end up in my own love triangle. Here I was preaching to my daughters all about screwing the world as a single person and here I was not living up to my own lectures.

He held my hand tightly in his while we drove home. He constantly put the back of my hand to his lips kissing it sharing how much he loved me. Me, I just sat in silence wondering how this was going to work out. I remember beating myself up for not being stronger and basically kicking Harry to the curb but for some reason I was just lacking self-esteem.

I was fearing the greatest fear of them all. Who would want to take a stab or chance to be with me after I faced some of the darkest days of my life which still haunted me. I carried so much anger and bitterness not only in my heart but my soul as well. I felt I was damaged goods and I wondered who would want to be with someone like that. So, with my self-esteem in the gutter along with my pride, I believed Harry that it would be okay and that we would work out and have this loving lasting relationship. Yet on the back burner was this oatmeal called "Goldie" and it was ready to boil over spewing out its burning thick reminder that she was still there. She remained steadfast in my mind and I was second guessing if in fact Harry would do anything about it.

I mean he has the best of both worlds. When he was pissed at Goldie he would come running to me, when I pissed him off he would go running right back to her. Then the saying of a cheating louse rang in my head so loudly it gave me an ear ache...

"if he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you"

The crazy thing was his cellphone began to ring not once, not twice, but six times and the called ID said Goldie and Harry just ignored it. After the sixth time he picked up his phone and turned it off. I questioned his intentions and began to wonder when he was going to talk to her. I wanted to talk to him about it but for some reason my mouth seemed to be glued shut. I could feel myself trying to force out the words but I just couldn't say one word.

It was just gut wrenching wondering what he was going to do, when he was going to tell her, "I love Dee and I want to be with her not you." I was not completely ignorant to a man cheating on his girlfriend and I was a firm believer about men cheating, but for some reason I was just completely ignorant about this. I could put my finger on the reason but when my finger was on the reason it just didn't make sense in my mind.

When we pulled up to the house Harry parked and began to get out of his car. I was surprised he wanted to stay and wasn't expecting that. I could be strong for everyone else lecturing on the "right versus wrong" theory but when it came to me, my right versus wrong just went out the window. What I should of done was tell Harry to go home, tell her its over and then we can have a clear slat and start fresh. But I didn't, I just let him lead his way into my home and I followed right behind him.

Once inside we were greeted by everyone. Yes, my house was the crash house for all the friends of my daughters along with Raiza and her kids. Savi had some friends over, Sara was hanging out with Tiffany both of them playing with Sela, and Raiza was sitting on the couch with Jonny her son watching TV. Harry of course went about being his charming magnetic personality greeting everyone with his stunning smile which everyone was just drawn to. Me, I walked in unaware of what to expect. It was as if Harry knew each and everyone for years. He fit right into this family messed up or not. When he sat down at the large glass dining room table, everyone followed him. He reminded me of the Pied Piper tooting his horn while others gathered to be next to him.

It dawned on me right then and there no wonder he was so successful in outside sales. He could get anyone and everyone to fall in love with him even if someone was dead set on not sealing the deal somehow he would give that stubborn sales call that wanted to reject what he was talking about to sign on the dotted line. Is that what I did, I sold my soul to the Devil? So I too signed on the dotted line as well? Ummm...YEP!

Savi was just about due and she had managed to be on the straight and narrow with Cassandra and Phillip. I could tell that she was still fighting with wanting to keep her baby or adopting it to them. When she came into the room with Dio following behind along with string of friends, they all gathered at the table as well. Harry had become the Ring Master and he had everyone's attention. He had people laughing, telling jokes and stories. It was a foreign thing in my home to hear laughter and I soon found myself blending in to the spine-tingling joyous noise within my home.

After awhile everyone spread out saying their good-bye's leaving Harry and I alone sitting at the table staring at each other. The night went so well and everyone seemed to accept Harry and I could tell he would make a great permanent fixture in my world. But, Goldie still remained on the back burner and I desperately wanted to bring that boiling pot of oatmeal to the front and center and talk about it. I needed to know what his next move was, what were his plans, what was he going to do next.

"So, let's talk about Goldie." I told Harry.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

The Human Touch of Another

The Human Touch can be the most quintessential thing that ever happens to anyone. The human touch can heal the human heart when one suffers such a devastating blow to their heart or mind. Feeling arms wrap around you when the world seems so cold, so bitter, filled with anger from others, can make one feel safe and at peace. Can the soul of one's eyes give the sense of the human touch? Can the eyes of another heal the broken heart of one that suffers in silence just by a glance, a wink, can it bring peace to the broken hearted?

Coming from someone that had such a divesting marriage to Felix, someone that never knew how to love, how to make one feel valued as a woman, I was craving that human touch. To feel the brush of a hand, the gentle touch that let's one know, "hey, I'm here and I love you" the soft tips of ones fingers trailing down your arms or that squeeze of the hand in yours telling you, "I love you" when that man places his hand on the small of your back then leading you around a filled room sending shivers up your spin.

The hug that one gives to another filled with hope, longing to be with you, when one misses you, when crawling into bed and clinging to each other in silence where no words needed to be said just the lingering touch of someone can send the most valuable message to one another.


The Human Touch of Harry


I remember when Harry dragged me out the back door of my mobile home. Placing his hand in mine part of me wanted to melt like butter in a hot skillet. The other part of me wanted to reach across and just slap the living day lights out of him. He just exuberated confidence, masculinity and sexuality that was just intoxicating. I could feel my power just draining then allowing myself to be with him. He placed me in the car slammed the door and climbing in on his side, we took off leaving the mobile home park. We never said a word or exchanged glances we just drove in silence. He drove us up to the most popular hill top in town. When looking out one could see the dancing lights of the town from the homes and the street lights below.

The night was crisp and cool one that would be great for snuggling in front of a warm fire. I could feel myself quickly wanting to forget about Goldie but I forced myself to remember why I was so angry. My stomach was twisting and turning my mouth growing dry, my thoughts jumbled with heavy anticipation of knowing just who Goldie was. I really didn't know what say to him. I remember just staring down at the floor boards of the car. I could feel tears forming in my eyes and slowly they began to drop. I had to know.

"So, who is Goldie and why did you go to San Diego with her?" I asked him. I could feel he was growing uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. I watched him grab the steering wheel of the car clenching it twisting his hands all over it then wiping the sweat from his hands onto his pants. I kept pressing for him to tell me between sobs and anger.

"She's someone that I have been living with for the past two years. But its not what you think."

(boy this is more difficult to talk about more than I thought. I just grow so angry over this but here goes)
    
I remember I stopped crying and wiping away my tears and looking at him with such disgust. And it all came out, I just unloaded!

"Oh, so let me get this straight, your living with some women named "Goldie" and its not what I think so let me guess, its just a sexual causal thing, so casual that you load up some luggage and take her to San Diego because let me guess, your just buddies right?" I remember Harry's face twisting and turning letting out heavy sighs as I continued barking my demands at him. He couldn't even look at me if memory serves me right. But I didn't stop there.

"You take me out daily, you want to know so much about me, your dying to know if I'm married and because why, to make your own guilt feel better? You tell me you love me over and over, you shower me with kisses and attention, buy me gifts, tell the world that you love me, but yet, its the people who don't know you, that is who you tell right? Yet, if you tell the people that do know you the most, it gets back to Goldie then the gig is up then right?"

Harry just continued to sit and not say a word, I mean what can he say and would I believe anything he does say? His silence was driving me crazy it was maddening for me to not know.

"Answer me asshole, tell me the truth now." I shouted at him. Harry took a long pause and then a long huff of air and turning to me he grabbed my hands to hold them but I jerked away telling him he didn't have the right to hold my hands any longer.

"Goldie and I met seven years ago and.." I interrupted Harry with a bold yelling stern to my voice, "seven years, you have known her for seven years wholly shit, seven years."

"Do you want to hear this or not?" he spattered back to me with an tone of anger to his voice.

"Oh I'm sorry, are you angry? You don't have the right to be angry only I do." I was so sarcastic with my words.

Harry continued, "we or I, have not been happy for the last year and for me, I have only been living with her out of convenience. I have tried to leave her so many times and each time I tried she threatened to kill herself. It was her way of keeping me in a loveless relationship. She knows my family, my kids, it's just a hard place to be in."

"Harry, I can appreciate the fact that you have tried to do the right thing, I get it, I do, but I have always said, if you want to go out and screw the world, do it single so no one gets hurt."

"I don't want to be with her, I want to be with you but, she already suspects that I am cheating on her and so when I had that job in San Diego, she begged to go with me. We got in a huge fight over it so to shut her up, I took her. I wanted to take you that was my plan, but it back fired on me."

Harry told me he was going to tell her about me, he wanted to continue seeing me, how he thought of me the entire time he was in San Diego, that he wanted to spend the night with me tonight making sweet love to me. He wanted to make up for what he caused me to feel.

And for some reason, I believed him. So, we went home.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Memories: Good vs. Bad

For so many years I always felt I never had a voice, a voice to relieve some of the pain that has been harboring inside my mind, my heart, and my words. I was always told to put things on the back burner which in retrospect means just ignore it.

I have scads of journals all over my house filled with stories, stories of so many things that have happened in my lifetime. There are many people out there that will tell others, "the memories of your life is what molds you into the person you are today"

There are many journals that are just dark, darker then the night sky, darker than being in cave with no light to guide you out. I always wondered for so many years where the light was at the end of my tunnel. I always took my mom's advice, "let her come to you, let her see what she is missing, she will need you someday and when she does, she will come running to you."

Years ago during one of the many Christmas's with my family, Savi would call to talk to everyone and still she would never ask to speak to me. I could hear her tell everyone "I love you and miss you so much" and it would just drive the stake in my heart even further often leaving me wondering just how deep my heart really goes.

I can't begin to share with you how many times I started a blog and then quit because the pain was far to much for me to endure. The nightmares I had over and over it was always the same faces yet different locations and very similar to what I was going through. It always consisted of Savi trying multiple ways to end my existence, to put the light of my world out, dispose of me, causing me the greatest pain that our dreams can take us to.

I hated and still hate telling people who many daughters I have because how can you tell someone that you have three daughters yet only two are actually with you. There are so many milestones of her life that I have not been a part of yet she includes everyone else in my family. There is no care in her heart for me not being there. There are countless questions to her by others often asking her, "when was the last time you talked to your mom" and she answers, "who are you talking about, I raised myself, I never had a mom" and of course that always got back to me from many other eagerly sharing what she said and did with me not being around.

I have tried over and over to not play the victim, I have tried over and over to be the strong one, to be the one that sees it as she is missing out not me but I have ultimately failed that role of not being a victim time and time again.

So, now that I have started this blog, I have dug through the books, I have gone page by page, the memories have flooded back. The nightmares have started once again. The anger now rears her ugly head through my very blood and body. I don't know if I started this blog to have a voice, to be heard, to hopefully share what NOT to do, or what TO DO I mean why does anyone start a blog?

I once heard the wisest words from someone...

"If you can talk about it and not get mad, then your over it, but if you talk about it and your still mad, then your not over it."

The only good memories I have versus the bad was bringing her home from the hospital. Seeing her tiny body wrapped like a papoose which gave her comfort. Putting her in her baby swing than cranking it watching it then give her comfort to her colic. There were so many people that came up to me in the grocery store telling me just how beautiful Savi was as a baby. So many were just drawn her to like bees following their Queen. I felt so blessed to having a daughter that was in fact so beautiful.

Now that I began this blog I cannot begin to share what it means to bring up Harry and now feeling like I missed out on something. Should I have just waited it out and maybe, just maybe, it would  have worked out or would his tawdry ways ever be tamed? Now I am dreaming of Harry so many times yet right before he goes to hug me I wake up, I don't wake up typically, no I wake up in a pool of sweat often breathing so radically it takes me a few seconds to gather my thoughts of exactly where I am at. I am at home, a place that often haunts me of being here.

I remember the sweet love making, the soft talks, the pain, the crying, the countless guilt gifts he gave to me. I remember so many people telling me over and over how lucky I was to have found such a wonderful man yet they never really knew how he was. Oh I played the part very well, I had the staring role of a wife who had such a wonderful husband yet, she lived in secrecy of what it was really like and for that matter, would they ever believe he was a cheating scoundrel. Would I be blamed or would they understand why I felt the way I did?

Courage is something that actually does live inside of us and it takes courage to walk through the flames of ones past sharing in intimate detail just what really happened.

So, is blogging a form of cheap psychology? Does it really lead you to places of healing or does it take you where you were versus where you are now?