Thursday, January 26, 2017

Your mom's famous last words.....

We all have either that mom or step mother or motherly figure that will overflow our brains with their famous "last words" my mom of course had buckets full of them but one of them will stick with me until the day I die. I still use her saying and have been for many years now and will continue to use it through out my life....

"There is always one bitch or asshole where you work or live that feel they can do a better job then you. Ultimately, they will ruin your day."

There is always going to be that one person that feels they are better then you, they can break your spirit, they can bring you to your very knees with the end result of feeling you are and will always be the most incompetent person the planet. It is that very person that we secretly wish something horrible would happen to them to either put them in their place, shut them up, and no matter the valiant efforts we try to bring them to their knees, for some reason we just cannot break them....or can we?

We all know "Karma" and when the person that is hurting you the most, taking something so personal from you, we often utter beneath our breath, "not to worry, Karma will get you in the very end" we never know when Karma will strike, it will be the Cobra in the basket the music will play but only that Cobra knows when to strike and it will. It will slither it's way out of the basket when we least expect it and it will strike down the one person that you thought you could trust, you thought had your back ultimately bringing that person that has caused you so much pain, to their very knees.

For me, it was my brother. No matter how many times I tried to be a better person, how many times I tried to be a good mother, no matter how many times I tried to prove something to him he was there with the sword of life ready to take a stab at my failures over and over.

He had no qualms sharing how much of a horrible mother I was, how I deserved what I got from Savi, how I didn't know how to be a mother, that if I had half a brain I would understand how to mother a troubled child. This of course is from someone that has never had kids, he never married, and I have questioned his lifestyle due to the countless men he hung out with. I have often wondered how someone can stand back and give parenting advice when they have yet to be a parent? Anyone can give parenting advice but until they have actually had a child let alone a troubled child, they better keep their thoughts to themselves.

Let me prove I can do a better job then you!

Once Savi was home after being dropped off during the middle of the night, things just seemed to pick up where they left off. She continued to cut herself, she began writing poetry on her bedroom walls in permanent marker, she stopped eating, and she continued to stay out past her curfew. I wrote how I would change the rules, I said that things would be different, but through weakness and trying to be strong Savi was just my kryptonite. She knew how to suck the very life out of me. I was once again chasing her all over the mobile home park and yes even dragging her home kicking and screaming with her chanting how I was abusing her.

Once again my home was a rotating door with CPS workers who failed to once again listen to me. They just continued to take her side no matter the pleas I did, how I begged for help, they had the talent and knack to bring me to my very knees. My mom and dad were sick and tired of hearing her failures and then one day, my brother called me.

My brother who feels he can walk on water, float on clouds, part the Red Sea, told me how having Savi move to Maine to be with him would do Savi some good because he would never let her get away with the crap that she was giving to me ten fold. I told my brother if he feels he can do a better job then me, so be it. He can have her.

I remember my mom telling me to let her go, let him continue thinking he can do this. Let him fail, he will learn how bad of a person she can be. So, he called Savi later that same day and talked her into going to Maine, finishing high school finally, and hopefully paving a way a new life.

Within three days I had her packed and loaded in the car heading to the airport. Once we arrived she jumped out of the car grabbed her luggage and told me I didn't need to help her check in. She turned her back to me and just walked off. I just stood outside of the underground parking lot looking at Sara wondering why I couldn't just at least say good bye. Then Sara said it all...

'What did you ever do to her to make her hate you so much, all you did was love her, you tried to help her, and she does this to not only you but me."

I felt empty and drained once again, here we go again, we had to adjust once again to her being gone but this time she was not going to come back. I told Sara if Don can do a better job then me, so be it. I called my brother telling him that she was getting on her plane and heading to him. She had two layovers and she would finally make her way to Portland, Maine by 10:00 pm.

The First Week in Maine

Don lived up to his word. He got her registered for school, her state assistance health care, found a mental doctor for her and made appointments well into the month of August. Savi was now turning sixteen and I have to admit, into a beautiful woman. Her long locks of brown and gold hair that every woman wanted, her tiny framed body, her bold big emerald green eyes, and a smile that would melt even the biggest iceberg.

Don often checked in with me either weekly or bi-weekly of her success and I began thinking that living with Don was possibly the best thing for her. She was quickly making friends at school and was even invited to the near by school dance by one of the local boys. It was a school she had not attended but he took such a fancy to her and he himself was warned of her behavior from my brother but Savi seemed to be improving and he wanted to give Savi the benefit of the doubt.

Once Savi arrived at the school dance from my brother she met the local boy at the front door and she turned to wave good bye and headed in. Once inside her evil temptress ways sprung alive. She found some unruly guys that were the bad bunch of the town and snuck outside with them to smoke some pot and drink the hard liquor they had smuggled into the dance.

The young boy that she went to the dance with gave up on her as he watched her walk away. He called Don telling him that Savi left the dance. When Savi and the unruly boys made the attempt to go back into the dance the security guard stopped them, called the police due to the heavy smell of pot and alcohol and an arrest was made and yes, Savi was arrested.

After that things with Savi and my brother just went down hill. That was when Karma came into my brothers life. My mom called me telling me that only after a month Don was fed up with Savi already and wanted to ship her home. She was ditching school, sleeping around, and she continued to smoke pot and get drunk. She even snuck into my brothers room picking the lock of his hard liquor and drinking it dry. From my brothers count, Savi had slept with already sixteen men in less than a month.

Failed Email

Yahoo was my email of choice back in the days when Savi was living with Don. I often checked it and that morning was one morning that I think God wanted to get my attention. I logged onto my email and for some reason I still do not know how this happened, it opened up Savi's email. I stared at it confused to who's email this was and after looking over it for several minutes it dawned on me I had Savi's email along with all her current and past emails for the past month.

As I began reading her emails only because of the headings from the emails, this was when I finally accepted, the Lion in Savi would never be tamed.

"Young lonely girl who just moved here looking for free sex"

Savi went from having free sex to now charging for sex. Some of the responses were from men giving her $650.00 to $325.00 for sexual acts. My heart just broke it actually shattered. She was self destructing her own life. She had become a bomb and she was ready to blow.

I remember calling my brother and sharing the emails I found and how somehow I got her emails and quickly he told me to send them to him and to mom and dad. My mom just sat and cried on the phone with me while my dad in the back ground roared his angry head at my own daughters behavior. I was at a loss, I didn't know what to do. Finally my brother told me something I thought he would never utter those words to me ever....

"I don't know how you do this, I don't know how you fought for her for so many years" my brother waved his white flag and told me he was sending her home that he no longer wanted her in Maine. He told me no matter where he went people began talking about him in a negative way. People began to point and whisper when walked into the local grocery store. He told me his phone never stopped ringing because Savi was always in trouble. He stopped sleeping at night because he too was checking to see if she was there. He even put an alarm on all the windows and doors so if she tried to get out an alarm would sound but she learned to how shut the alarm off.

I of course quickly told my brother I didn't want her back but he said to late, she's on the plane and headed home to you.