Sunday, January 29, 2017


Do our eyes deceive us often? Do we see life through our own eyes by the way we are brought up by our parents? Do our parents train us to view life in such a way that no matter how we see something we are trained to see it in a different way due to our parents own vision?

For example; when our parents go outside to collect the trash cans or bring in the groceries they look up to the sky and see a mixture of grey, black, and white clouds then come in and say that it is going to rain soon versus us going outside and seeing just a mixture of clouds? Are we to believe that it is going to rain soon because our parents say so?

The vision I had for myself growing up was completely different then what my parents vision had for myself. As I shared earlier I never wanted to have kids or ever be married. My time was my time and I didn't care how selfish I was going to be I wanted to just be that free person with no ties or worries about ever having to answer to some man questioning me on where I was, who I was with, why I was home late, why there isn't any milk in the fridge to go with his dinner, why there was no dinner on the table along with asking me why his white work shirts were not washed, dried, and pressed for work the next day.

Then when I got pregnant with Savi my vision and my mission in life changed. I saw myself as a wife in a house with a white picket fence, a golden retriever, one boy, one girl, along with a minivan in the garage and a husband that every girls swoons over often asking me how I bagged such a hottie husband.

Do our eyes deceive us from what we wish for and what is reality?

Savi's new friends

After I blew up and just lost my shit, Savi was now the one walking on egg shells. Her pregnancy was getting the best of her and she was constantly sick. I had made several attempts at trying to talk to her about it to come up with a plan on either keeping the unborn child or putting it up for adoption. Abortion was not the answer for me nor was it for Savi. Yet with every attempt I made to talking to her about it she just shot me down. I wanted to believe it was from embarrassment but honestly, I didn't think she had a care in her bones about the unborn child.

For the most part all she did was lay in bed and continue to puke up her guts. After the few weeks that she was home she finally told me that she had made some new friends which I never knew how, I was watching her pretty closely and I wondered how she did make new friends but she was trying to get along with me and I didn't want to rock the boat.

She had met a guy named Dio a guy that was so sweet, so kind, he was driven for success only because he was driven by his parents. Dio and his parents were devote Catholics attending services on Wednesday nights, Saturday nights, and Sunday mornings. Dio was this guy that was adorable to look at and Savi adored being with him. Dio had no idea that she was pregnant. I had great respect for Dio he was attending Fullerton College majoring in Pharmaceutical Medicine hoping after nine years of education he would be a pharmacist. He worked at Starbucks paying for his own way through college. For so long I thought he was just too good for Savi but then after thinking about it maybe, just maybe, this is what she desperately needed, a great guy!

I continued to urge Savi to telling Dio of her pregnancy but she feared losing him and rightly so. I mean what man would want to be deceived in such a horrible way? Each time Savi spent time with him and he dropped her off I asked her if she told him and each time it was the same answer, "NO" my heart was beginning to break because she was leading Dio to believe they had a future.

I had managed to get her on state health care, find a prenatal doctor and take her to all her appointments. My parents stepped in telling me that they would pay for my rent and bills as long as I was caring for Savi. After the losing streak of jobs from chasing her all around I couldn't land a job due to my work history for the past two years. Every job interview I had gone to I was always asked the same question...

"Why were at your last job for only a month?"

How do you tell a possible employer that your daughter was suicidal and into cutting herself so badly that death was knocking on her door?  I would get countless calls from the local police department to come to the hospital due to her being a minor. One time they called and I decided to stay at work and continue to work because I loved my new job I was making good money and when I finally left work and met Savi at the hospital I was hit with a possible negligence action.

How to support your other two daughters when you cant seem to keep a job because your oldest daughter was or is a friggen loon? I couldn't support them. I had to rely on someone for help and when my parents stepped up and told me they would pay the space rent in the mobile home and the bills that went with it, I was able to breath just a little bit finally.

One night when Dio dropped off Savi I had enough of her torturous ways of not informing him that she was pregnant. As Dio was making his way to the front door I stopped him and decided to take matters into my own hands.

"Savi, did you tell Dio, have you told him yet?" Dio stopped dead in his track looking at me very confused then looking at Savi wondering just what I meant. Savi just began to shake in fear, I could see the panic in her eyes as tears began to well up. She quickly began shouting at me to stop that it was none of my business but I quickly informed her that what goes on this house and while she was living in my house it was my business.

"Tell me what Savi, do you have something to tell me?" said Dio. Savi just took to the corner walls and began to cry.

"Savi," I began, "he has a right to know, I mean its only a matter of time before he finds out and its better that he finds out this way then you just not saying anything. Dio is a great guy Savi and your lucky to find such an amazing guy, either you tell him right now or I will."

Dio just stood there, I remember the look on his face, the confusion, the wondering what the hell I walk talking about. I could tell that Dio loved Savi very much and he was good for her. He had her on the straight and narrow and she was improving a great deal. That is why I demanded that she tell him. I didn't want a repeat of her telling him he was the dad when in fact he wasn't.

Savi just still continued to cry begging me to stop but for some reason I felt it was my place to tell him. Finally I just mustered up the gumption to tell him and then it just came spewing out.

"Dio, Savi is pregnant and its not yours, she is almost four months pregnant and she's not sure what she is going to do with the baby."   

I have never seen a guy lose so much color in his face as quick as Dio did. I could feel the punch in the gut I just gave him and it shattered my heart. He didn't need to learn it the way I told him but Savi was not close to ever telling him and he would of been crushed to finally see a baby bump growing and she never telling him. Dio just stood there unsure of what to say, unsure of what to do. He couldn't even look at Savi, he just thanked me for telling him and said he needed some time and with that being said he just opened the front door, climbed into his car and sped off.

Savi of course began yelling and screaming at me that I never should of done that how she now lost the greatest guy she ever met and she would never forgive me. I of course yelled back to just add it to the other list she has kept about hating me.

Seven days went buy and suddenly out of nowhere Dio came knocking on the door. I was surprised to see him I didn't think I would ever see him ever again. He asked if Savi was home and I told him she was in her room sleeping. He stormed over to her bedroom door demanding that she wake up and meet him at the dinning table. Dio walked over sat down and never said a word to me he just waited for Savi to come into the room.

Once she was there he ordered for her to sit down. He confessed his love for her, told her how much he loved her and he didn't care if the baby wasn't his, he loved her and he wanted to be with her. He told her he would help her through the pregnancy and be there with her for all her doctors appointments and support her with what she wanted to do.

I was shocked I could tell that Savi was shocked and when she stood up she ran to hug Dio just crying in his arms. I knew right then and there she had one great guy. Dio loved Savi for Savi for who she was. He could see her for her, he could see past her scars, her anger, her bitterness, he could see the lovely beauty that she really was.

But does she ruin it?