Monday, January 16, 2017

The Unknown Simple Life

When we think of a "Simple Life" do we think of someone that has no problems, they have financial stability, zero student loans, bills paid for, a home that is paid for, and of course money in the bank to spend on whatever they wish whenever they wanted?

What does the simple life mean to you? What constitutes a simple life? Is your life complicated and filled with regret or do you have just about whatever you want when you want it? When you step up to the ATM do you sweat how much is really there or do you slip in your debit card and not care how much you take out?

How hard are you willing to work for the simple life? What are you willing to give up in order to have a simple life? What would you sacrifice for the simple life?

The Crystal Ball

How many of you remember going to a fair and seeing the mechanical  Madam Zelda in a booth. You slip in a quarter and she mechanically moves her hands over the crystal ball and once she supposedly reads your future her reading drops to the bottom of the machine, you pull it out and read what your future will be. Did you believe it as a young child?

I am the one person that keeps everything. And I mean "everything" that I have done through my childhood, teen years, and even adulthood. I have this shoe box that is filled with fortune cookie readings, high school dance tickets, high school football tickets, report cards, birthday cards, Christmas cards, and yes, even a reading from Madam Zelda from the fair I attended as a young girl. I borrowed a quarter from a friend I was with whose name I just can't remember right now. I placed my hands on the crystal ball outside while she placed her hands on the inside crystal ball.

My reading says....

"You shall endure pain and suffering through your young adult life but it shall change when you become older a rainbow will appear and the dark clouds will disappear warming you from the sun."

I of course, took it home and showed my parents and they of course laughed at it telling me that message as probably been given to many people. It is a generated reading that is most likely. My dad told me to throw it away that it meant nothing. Funny how my life turned out because once I put it away in the shoebox, I actually forgot about it until I had Savi.

Visiting Time Ends

I remember sitting in the corner of the room trying to engage in a conversation with Savi but she was dead set on not having any form of communication with me whatsoever. For each time I tried I got the roll of the eyes, the heavy sighs, the nasty glares, so I just gave in and let her be a bitch. I had spent over three years now trying to save her life. I have caused Sara to miss school, missing Sela's first steps, parent teacher conferences, school plays, you name it, I missed it and it was now of course taking a heavy toll on Sara. She was feeling rejected.

I continued to hear my mom's message from her in the back of my head, "just act like it doesn't both you, ignore her, let her play game because she will soon find out she is the only one playing that game." I struggled so heavily with trying to do what my mom said over and over. I had two other daughters that needed me but I was so consumed with saving Savi.

At this point there were four parts of me consuming my life. One part wanted to show Savi that she meant something to me, the second part wanted to prove that I could be just as stubborn as her that I too could be the bigger bitch, then the third part of me still wanted to save her because after all, that's what mothers do right? Save their kids? then the fourth part of me just wanted to get in her face yelling at her telling her with rage, anger, selfishness just what she has done to this family.  

Would it do any good to do any of those four parts? Nope...she was on her own horse riding down her own sunset and she would let that horse of hers stampede, run over, trample, kick, just to get her way but for some reason I had to prove to her I was stronger. I was going to prove without a shadow of a doubt that this thirteen year old was not going to take me down.

When we left I was so confused, I couldn't tell if I hated her more because of what she was teaching me to do or if I just wanted to break down and cry screaming why doesn't she love me? I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong, was it worth keeping her at home or would she actually do better living with Rick? Was I ready to wave my white flag to her and surrender her over to Rick?

As we drove home Sara and Sela played in the back seat while Raiza was trying to have a conversation with me. My head was flooded with visions of her face her revenge she wanted to do with me, dragging me down to her level and me weak enough to fall to her level. Every visit, phone call with Savi, letters to her had to be reported to Child Protective Services. They were to be inspected, listened to, and edited on how things went. I was then to have someone come to my house and try to interrupt how I felt which of course was misconstrued as not wanting my daughter anymore.

It didn't matter how many times I said I loved her, how much I wanted her home, it was always misconstrued as being vindictive and evil. Until one lady showed up, her name was Lynsey Harper. She was a heavy set lady which seemed to be pretty much the norm of the CPS workers. She had a kind smile and she seemed eager to get to know me.

The day that she showed up she pulled out all the letters I had sent to Savi, they had been photocopied and saved and her file which was now becoming as thick as the book "Gone with the Wind" seems apropos doesn't it?

She took out the number of times I had called and the number of rejections from Savi. It showed how many times I drove to see her and how many times she rejected me. She spoke to Sara and she had no qualms sharing how this was destroying me and her with Savi's behavior. My life had become an open book for anyone that came knocking on my front door.

"Well," began Lynsey, "seems like you have been through a lot, how are you holding up, do you need anything, does Sara and Sela need anything?" I remember just staring at her as if she was speaking a foreign language and I was to break it down and try to make sense of it.  

I remember Lynsey looking around the house complementing me on my beautiful house, the front walkways lined with an array of florals, how sweet Sara's room was, how well adjusted Sela was then Lynsey looking at me...

"I get it," began Lynsey, her voice was calming and sympathetic "I'm not attacking you," she was letting out a heavy sigh, "from the countless reports, court hearings, the many failed attempts you have faced, I am guessing by the facial expression your not used to someone being kind to you. Well, I am here to tell you, I think Savi is full of shit and what she is doing to you needs to stop."

My entire world just went silent, I no longer heard the television blaring in Sara's room, I no longer heard Sela crying to be changed. I also no longer heard the kids playing outside I remember just staring at her wondering why she was so kind to me.

Lynsey had a master plan to get Savi returned to me. She shared how she had been to court showing the judge all my attempts on seeing my daughter, the countless copied letters, the failed attempts to see my daughter, the continuous abuse from other social workers, the countless attempts of removing my other two kids, and now my face filled with dark black circles under my eyes, the weight loss and weight gain. The hair that was now falling out.

"Do you want Savi to come home to you?" Lynsey asked me. The now building acid that was forming in my stomach was churning like butter in a butter maker. The sympathy look from her said so much just spoke volumes to me. I remember sitting there and rubbing my hands together between my thighs my eyes becoming glassy.

Things with Sara was actually becoming normal with her and school. Sela was on a sleeping pattern now and doing great with it. My home was quiet, there were no more police at my home, midnight waking to see if Savi was dead or missing. It was peaceful and I was struggling with answering her if in fact I wanted my own daughter home.

Right then and there, I knew I feared her, I feared what she was capable of doing to me. She could destroy me in one single breath.