Thursday, January 19, 2017

The Truth of Home

No matter where you are or what you do for a living, no matter what is in your wallet that can either empress others or shock others, the one true thing that we have is a home. Some of course are not as lucky as others to have a home. But for those that do, a home is supposed to be your castle. It is supposed to be your sanctuary that gives you protection from the outside world, it is supposed to ward off bad people it is supposed to be a home filled with love, laughter, togetherness.

Why else would they make signs that you hang up all around every inch of the walls that say...

"This home is filled with love, family, and togetherness"

Your home is supposed to be a place that when you rest your head at night you are supposed to close your eyes in slumber and awaken to a brighter better day. But what if that home is disrupted what if that home is no longer your "safe place" it can cripple a family in a matter of seconds faster than dynamite that is placed in a hotel dropping it to the ground it rest on. When a home that is disrupted it can suck the very life out of you.

She Comes Homes

I remember very clearly when I received the phone call that Savi was coming home. It was Thursday morning at 9:04 am. The voice on the phone was struggling to sound positive, she was struggling with her statement that Savi was ready to come home. She also urged for us to get family counseling. The lady on the phone gave me some names of doctors that would be most helpful for us to attend.

For so long my anger had been buried by so many people, it had been placed on the back burner and more focused on Savi and her attempts of suicide. I wanted to scream with rage I wanted to blurt out how hurt I was that someone that I bore in child birth had the absolute capability to crush my very soul. I had become that boiling pot on the stove with scalding hot water bubbling just about to spew over the top wanting to burn anything around it. But so many put a lid on me and took my feelings and just didn't seem to care what this had done to me. How this changed me, how this created a monster that now lived inside of myself.

I so wanted to crumble my daughter to the ground, I wanted so much to get in her face and scream at her for what she had done to this family. How she made my mother ache in pain, how she made my father now second guess her as a grand daughter. How she made Sara hurt so badly not even I could comfort her from her pain. I wanted to be the selfish one, I wanted to be the one that was finally heard but like always, someone somewhere just always put a lid on my feelings and put me on the back burner then bringing Savi to the front burner making it all about her.

I felt robbed of being a mother, I felt robbed of my own feelings. But as usual, I went to Sara's school pulling her out early once again so we could go get her sister. Once we were in the car and Sara settled in the front seat, Sela in the back seat sitting in her car seat so unware of what was going on, I asked Sara how she felt about her sister coming home.

She was struggling so badly with wanting to remain loyal to me yet wanting her sister so badly. I could tell that she wanted to say no that she didn't want her sister home yet at the same time she wanted to scream with excitement. I reassured her it was okay to express her feelings I needed to make her feel safe, I kept reassuring her it was okay. But, all she did was just shrug her shoulders.

When we finally arrived I was just feeling exhausted already from the stress of having Savi home. I just kept wondering in the back of my mind of the walking of eggshells would they return, would I be walking on glass once again, would my now resting nights be disturbed once again. Yet, I wondered how selfish I really was being. Was I being selfish, did I really want her home. So many questions just flooded my mind. Part of me wanted to reach out to Savi grabbing her and holding her telling her how much I loved her then the other part of me just wanted to turn around and go home.

Once inside the nurse had a stack of papers for me to sign. I had to claim responsibility once again for her, I had to reassure the countless staff and countless doctors that I would treat her with golden gloves. Savi came home with a bucket of pills that she was to take. Pills that I was so unaware of her taking.

She was taking anti-depressant pills, sleeping pills, nausea pills, the list is just to long to mention here. When Savi came to the front finally she hugged Sara screaming "Sissy, sissy, your here" crunching her sister then grabbing Sela from me and hugging her to the point that she began screaming from the clutches of Savi. And for me, she just ignored me. She never acknowledged me, smiled at me, said hi, she didn't even give me eye contact.

Was I hoping for a hug, did I even want one, I know I had come to fear her, I know that she was teaching me to not love her. She had just become a mere stranger to me now. One of the nurses walked up to me placing her arm around my shoulder then whispering to me, "give her some time, she will come around. She actually said nice things about you during therapy." I was shocked at what the nurse said and when I looked at her I wanted to ask if we were in fact talking about Savi but all she did was just smile and wink at me and within a split second, she was gone.

Once we all piled into the car but before Savi and Sara screaming "SHOT GUN" took my mind back for that brief moment when things were easier between us. Savi of course raced to the front passenger side claiming victory on sitting in the front seat across from me. I asked if anyone was hungry and quickly they all replied yes.

We drove through Mc Donald's and while driving home we munched on our food. The mood was light and it seemed easy yet the nurses voice kept ringing loud and clear in my head, "give her time, give her time" so, that is what I did. I decided I would talk to her when she had something to say to me. I couldn't help but feel my emotions were just all over the map never settled never expressed.

Once we arrived home Savi climbed out and headed right for her bedroom then closing the door behind her. Sara just looked at me with that look on her face that said it all..."why did she do that?" I just walked over drawing her into my arms telling her to give Savi some space then reminding her that she has been gone for almost a whole month.

All the way home not a single glance at me, not a single word, not a single touch. The tension between us was alive and kicking. I could tell that she hated me, I could tell that if the house was burning down and she was given a choice to save me or watch me burn, she would rather watch me burn to death.

I just decided to once again put my feelings aside which I had now struggled at so heavily. I really wanted to walk into her room and grab her by her neck choking her screaming with uncontrollable rage, "why are you doing this, don't you know how much I love you, don't you understand there is nothing you can ever do that would stop me from loving you" as the day continued I could feel my stomach quivering with rage I could feel my hands shaking, I could feel my head tingling with numbness mixed with anger.

Then finally Savi emerged from her room dressed as if she was going somewhere. As she made her way to the kitchen I quickly became alerted with fear I became unsettled once again with my emotions once again all over the map. I was in the kitchen making dinner when she began her exit to the back door of our mobile home.

"I'm going out, I don't know when I will be back." here she was only fourteen years old and she was going to tell me when she was leaving then telling me she doesn't know when she will be back? OH HELL NO!

"I think it's best if you stay home and have dinner with us, don't you? I know that Sara would love to have dinner with you we haven't seen you in so long and it would be great to sit down as a family and have dinner." My voice was calm, it was sincere, it was honest.

"I don't give a shit what you want." and with that, the door opened and then slammed shut.