Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Truth in Blogging

There are many people that blog, they blog their recipes, they blog their inventions, they blog about having kids in a much lighter way, they blog about how our world is taking shape, humanity, you name it, people are blogging. I met one girl that blogged about her life and she got noticed by a writer that picked up her story and now she is a famous author.

And yes, we even blog about our pain. For myself, and ONLY for myself, I have managed to put away the skeletons that have haunted me about all the mistakes I have done, attempted, created, and some that I have not created.

Why is it we blog? Is it therapy for us, is it a form of getting our transgressions out, is it a form of admittance to what we have done, our thoughts, or paths of life that we have traveled? Do we feel that we can offer a sense of help by blogging?

I remember meeting a nurse through all this commotion with Savi, she sat down with me while I was outside smoking a cigarette and for some reason we just began to talk. We talked and talked for sometime that I remember. We talked about my life with Savi, being a single mother to a challenged daughter, being challenged as just a person,  the countless CPS workers that came to my door, the threat of losing my other two daughters, and then right before she took her last puff of her cigarette, she stood up and looked at me with such a concerned look and told me;

"You could write a book about what's happening to you, it could possibly help other mothers and fathers, family members going through similar situations as yourself. People that go through what you are going through often feel that they are so alone."

I chuckled at the thought of writing about something so profound, so personal, pain that went deeper then the very core of our planet earth. I kept thinking to myself, "who would want to read about something that one may not even believe?" I mean so many people even today ask me how I survived such an ordeal. To be honest, I have no idea how I survived this, but I did and I'm here, alive and kicking. I learned how to fight dirty, I learned how to fight unfairly, I learned how to protect, how to pull the rug out from someone's feet, in essence, I learned how to be mean.

I have always believed and will continue to always believe there is a reason that homes, apartments, condo's, whatever you live in why they have front doors. It is to close the door so the world cannot actually see what is going on behind those closed doors. Every single time I left my home closing it behind me I could feel the ugly inside of my home following me no matter where I went. I felt like I was carrying a huge clear bag of boulders the whole world can see labeled, "DISASTER AHEAD, CRAZY MOTHER, DESPERATE MOTHER, WRONGED MOTHER, PLEADING FOR SANITY MOTHER, GUILTY MOTHER, INNOCENT MOTHER"

Through the years I was able to slowly take those hundreds of pounds of each boulder learning how to deal with such pain, suffering, the fear of burying my daughter, the fear of actually being a mom. I live with a ton of regrets, I wonder if I could ever start over, I wonder if my life will actually ever get better. I actually came to terms with myself in regards to my own mom. The horrible stories I heard about myself as a teen. When I had Savi, was she a form of revenge of what I did to my own mom? Was it an eye-opening experience, oh hell yeah!

For each imaginary kick, imaginary knife stabbing to my heart, for each imaginary slaughtering my daughter did to me, it took me back to how I treated my own mom. The heavy pain I carried and how I always wondered how my very own mom can stand there and still tell me, "I love you so much" taught me what unconditional love really was. My mom taught me that no matter what pain is given to us from our own children, you continue to support, love, guide them, and always have your arms outstretched for them to fall into when they need you the most.

Had my life actually come "Full Circle" when I was dealing with Savi and her horrible antics? This was flooding my mind so badly that not even Jesus would be able to walk on my grief stricken raging flood waters that were now drowning my very life.

But as I said earlier I learned to be a fighter. A once person that once upon a time feared her own shadow now had become the best fighter as a mother. I never laid down or ever waved my white flag giving into Savi's evil manipulating ways. I never stepped aside and let her take control of my reins of life. Nope, I was not going to give in and I had to come to terms that no matter what any judge said, no matter the multiple attempts that were tossed at me like a ball of fire, I caught it and tossed it right back at the person wanting to label me as horrible mom, I was in fact a good mom.

I really didn't have a lot to work with, but I just worked with what was dealt out to me. My mom had now become my biggest supporter. Savi was trying so hard to manipulate so many people that crossed my path sharing how much of a horrible mother I was to her. Over a very long period of time many people began to see her wicked mind, her taunting of wanting to bury me alive.

I remember all to well when I was trying to get into the good graces of Savi, we had began talking a little and one time at the house she lived in, there were multiple people there and she would introduce the owner of the home as "her mother" right in front of me and when she did that, she always turned to look at me with such a sinister look on her face, her piercing green eyes, the evil grin on her face, but then it happened. One guy that she introduced to the owner of the home as her mother turned and pointed to Savi, then to me, then to the other woman he actually said;

"Wait, isn't that your mom (pointing to me), why would you introduce this woman as your mom when clearly she isn't your mom, your mom is standing over there, why would you do that to her. Girl that is a bitch move to your mom."

I just stood there waiting and watching for everything to unfold. Slowly but surely all of them began bagging on Savi asking her why she would do that to me. The owner of the home never said a word to me, corrected Savi, nope, she just let Savi call her mom. It cut me so deep when she did that right in front of me. Yet at the same time I was enjoying the whole room unloading on her.

Savi walked right up to me glaring at me with her evil sinister glare, her anger taking over she grabbed my hand and began squeezing so tightly as wanting to cut the circulation from my wrist yet I stood my ground, I just let her squeeze then I whispered to her, "I love you" and she then said...

"Get the fuck out of my life, I hope you die, I wished you never had me, your a failure as a mother and a person."

I just looked at her and the evil devil inside of me sprung to life and whispered, "are you talking about me or yourself?"