As we stare and gawk at this massive boulder we fear what if we fail, what if it rolls back on me, what if I am not strong enough? But the faint distant voice continues, "Once you begin, you must not stop you do not have the luxury of stopping. Once you give of yourself unselfishly, you shall experience glory and salvation it will not only be yours, you will be blessed with it."
So, we believe that voice in the distance and we cling to this boulder, face the challenges and test that will be dealt to us, and we give into the temptation of glory and salvation because we want to see just what real glory and salvation actually looks like.
So, you push, you never rest, you fight the fight, you keep going, and what seems like endless nights with no stars to guide you and then beaming scorching sun that burns your body, you take that last step, that last roll to the very top then what? Do you let the boulder roll back crashing to the bottom of where you started, or is that distant voice there to greet you explaining just what glory and salvation really is?
That my readers is what single mothers feel like!!
Creekside Mental Hospital
When I heard of the name "Creekside Mental Institution" for some reason I just envisioned a beautiful place but to be honest, there really was no beautiful places within Los Angeles. Well, unless you had millions of dollars and a home within Bel-Aire, Hollywood Hills, East Crenshaw District, Malibu, all those famous places that cost not only a bloody fortune, but are actually pretty. It was slim pickings of finding anything or any place beautiful within Los Angeles.
But this place, it just won the biggest award for being a dump. First of all there was no Creekside or babbling water for the patients to go to, to dip there toes in. There was no place to have people go out and get some air, nope, there was a make shift backyard that had been barricaded with bob-wire fencing, locks and locks and more locks. There were buttons to push, cameras everywhere, to me, it just felt like a prison.
As soon as I found out that Savi was awarded to the state, that boulder of life just became increasingly heavy. It finally made sense of why so many CPS workers were coming to my house yet no one explained that to me. Nothing like being left in the dark when it comes to your kid right?
It didn't matter to me how many awards and diploma's were on this doctor's wall, his bedside manor was the least to enjoy. I felt like the carpet was just pulled out from under me leaving me to dangle similar to a hanging. All I could do was just stare at the doctor. I had no reply, thought, feelings, I was just spent.
I remember my body beginning to tremble, I remember my palms becoming sweaty, I remember the glare coming over my eyes, and yes, I do remember what I even said and how do I remember what I said, because every friggen word that came out of my mouth was recorded and I had no clue. I did learn that when your child does become awarded to the state, you as the parent have no control over what happens. You are just a mere nothing to the person claiming to be responsible for your own child. You are just a mere pawn in the game of life.
"Wait," I began as I started my huffing and anger that was now boiling inside of me, "you mean to tell me my daughter is no longer mine, that she now belongs to the state, no one bothers ever tell me this?' I said spitting out my angry tone, and sarcastically I just went off...
"So, what do you want from me, I mean, if she is no longer mine, what do you care about my thoughts, about what I want, what is best for her, I mean you have known her for what a whole twelves days going on fourteen and I have known her for fourteen years. So that makes you the expert right?"
I just wanted to plunge my hands into his chest so I could rip out his heart watching blood drip on his disgusting desk while also dripping through my shaking hands. I wanted to walk around and sit right in front of him and then take a massive bite from his heart then tell him with my gashing teeth jagged and sharp while blood dripped from my mouth with remnants of his heart hung from my mouth, "how does it feel to have your life, your heart, and your then soul ripped out from your chest?"
"Mrs..." began the doctor, "I'm sorry but the file says you have the same last name as.." I lunged forward at the doctor then Raiza grabbing my arm desperately trying to gain control of me once again. I ripped my arm out of her tight grip glaring at him as if he was just about the stupidest man I have ever seem..
"The same last name as who, your daughter?" my sarcasm was increasing and I was just boiling over with anger. "I mean, you say she is no longer my daughter so I am guessing that she is in fact your daughter or is she no one's daughter, tell me "DOC" who does she belong to now, because how this conversation is going, it doesn't sound like me."
"Reunification is something that we as doctors and mental facilities strive for. That is our main objective here nothing more but just that." I immediately sensed the doctor becoming quickly uncomfortable with my chosen words, with my anger and frustration.
I turned to see Raiza then Sara, I could see just blanks looks from them both, more then likely they were shocked at my alarming chosen words as well as my behavior. Then finally Sara just cracked..she leaned to me and just let the tears flow whimpering how she wants her sissy back home, how she misses her, how her sissy is gone and her life is so empty.
"Let's go see your daughter.." I could sense he was struggling on what to call me or name me and quickly I told him, "just to call me Dee, plain and simple" which he quickly yet nervously agreed. We were lead to a room with two large benches on either side. It also had windows for everyone to see in order to monitor our visiting time. My guess was to watch the inner action between parents and kids. The man that was naked and screaming was now being held down by two orderlies trying to inject him with something from a needle. The other girl was still trying to ram her doll into the vacuum blower that sat on the ground becoming increasingly angry that she wasn't going in.
I could hear in the distance other screaming from the many individuals now calling this jail like place home sounding as if they were being tortured and some just sat in wheelchairs appearing to be so drugged up they didn't know what day it was, who they were, if in fact they were even human.
We all sat together on one side of the bench when the door opened and for the first time in almost a month I got to see my daughter. I quickly stood up and Savi just cowered away. Raiza grabbed my hand whispering for me to sit down and let her come to us on her speed and time. I was so confused, did I want to choke her for ripping this family apart causing such pain with my mom and dad, Sara, myself or did I want to hug her.
As she sat in there with us she pulled her sleeves up wanting to expose for us to see the countless cutting scars from her arms. My stomach just turned from sickness, Sara began to cry and Raiza just gasped at what Savi had done to herself. Savi didn't acknowledge me, say hi to me, she never smiled at me, nope, she treated me as if I was just invisible.
Sara and Savi clung and hugged each other then Savi hugged Sela and the one person that she couldn't stand the most other than myself was Raiza. But, she even hugged her and as Savi hugged Raiza she turned to watch me to see my reaction, her piercing green eyes cut right to my heart she was filled with revenge and hate it showed through her eyes as she glared at me her eyes telling me, "screw you, this war is not over yet."