Saturday, January 7, 2017

She suffers in Silence

Consoling a person takes a gentle touch. When one is angry or upset we need to have that gentle touch, a soft ear, patience of a Saint, and time. We need to be able to step out of our shoes and try to walk in the person's shoes that is clearly upset so we can understand why they are upset.

Patience is something that often is a challenge for us. We need to have the right words so when we are in fact consoling someone they can see that we have a clear and concise understanding of what they are going through. To often understanding, patience, and a gentle ear can be replaced with one thinking that what the angry and hurt person is going through can seem so trivial to us. It can and will be replaced with selfishness.

Consoling Sara

Trying to console Sara and understand why she was so upset was so challenging for me only because I was so angry at what was going on. I was angry that Savi could be self-centered, I was angry that my life had literally turned upside down and it was no where near ever being normal again, but hey, what is normal when you have the life I had?

I had to desperately take my anger and set it aside and try to see Sara's point of view. One minute she was on my side, the next minute she was on Savi's side and angry at me. One minute she was angry at her sister, the next minute she was loving her sister like it was her last breath. I was angry because a child that should enjoy her childhood was now being robbed, taken away from her and I often blamed myself. So many people understood why I didn't want her to go live with Rick and of course there were people that told me to let her go live with Rick so that she can in fact find out for herself what he was really like.

Sure, it would be easy to just dispose of her so that my life would be easier, but that would be the easy way out and I never ever did anything the easy way. If a fight is what she wanted then a fight is what I was going to give her. But first, I had to make things right with Sara.

Explaining to Sara how messed up her sister was shattered my heart damaging what little heart I actually had left. My patience was running so thin and I was so angry at the people that now took control of Savi's thoughts, thinking, emotions, and living. For me, I felt I was just skating on skin ice each step I took I could hear the crackling of ice fearing I would cave right through while other times I felt I was walking on eggshells.

Sitting in Sara's room sharing how hard life can really be was quickly put to a halt when there was a knock at the front door. We both left making our way when we noticed through the big plate glass window a white van that read "Riverside County Child Protective Services" inside the van was a baby seat and stuffed animals. My heart skipped a thousand beats making me feel I wanted to drop to my knees. I feared answering the door but I figured how much harder can it actually get....well, it can and did her harder. The vice of life just began squeezing me a little harder.

As I opened the front door there stood a woman in her maybe her fifties. She introduced herself as Margo Johnson from CPS wanting to talk to me. Of course I let her in and once we sat down she smiled at me. A smile that I thought would say, "I'm here to help YOU!"

Her kind eyes and sweet smile almost put me at ease then slowly she attacked.

"So, why not tell me what you know about Savi and where she is, how she is doing, when was the last time you actually saw her, and why haven't you been to see her?" Her smile and kind eyes turned to just black burning coal in a now raging fire. Her glaring eyes would of caused the dead for years to suddenly shiver from the cold damp ground.

"Well first of all, its nice meeting you," I said with a sarcastic voice. "I was told by the hospital that they would call me once she was settled and to put your wicked mind in check, I have called the hospital two, three, four times a day to find out how she was doing only to be told she is not ready for visitors. So, to answer your question, here is a small binder of all the names of the people I have spoken to the times I have called, and what I was told." I tossed the small notebook at her hearing it slam down in front of her.

I could feel my hair rising on the back of my neck and I too wanted to attack. She was basically accusing me of not seeing my daughter or not wanting to be with her.

"As you can see I have two other daughters, Sela and Sara and I am trying with all my might to help them through this most difficult time. I am trying to help Sara understand why Savi is doing what she is doing."

"And just what is she doing that you think you understand?" For every dagger she tossed my way I took it and tossed it right back at her, for every evil glare, I glared right back. I was not going to back down or appear weak and fragile.

"Ya know, my mom is right, she tells me that you have the power stronger than God. You can either make a family or break a family. So, if your here to break my family, well I am here to tell you that is not going to happen."

Margo tossed down her pen then sitting back in the chair. She could see I was ready for a fight, a fight I was ready to battle. She the fire breathing dragon, and I the great defender was to stand in front of her with my mighty sword ready to take down the wicked fire breathing dragon.

Sela began to stir in her crib and quickly Sara went to her right away. Margo was watching the dedication of Sara to her baby sister. I just continued to sit watching every move, every glance from her eyes taking a stance with my footings. I was prepared for a fight and if a fight is what she wanted, well, she knocked on the right door.

"I will need to talk to Sara alone, I need to find out how she feels and her thoughts." I just shrugged my shoulders and quickly told her that would be fine. I remember Sara looking at me so nervous, so scared, I hugged her and told her to just be honest, I reminded her that I loved her and that it would be okay.

Almost an hour went by when they both came out of Sara's room. Margo once again sat down and to look at me. She almost had that consoling look to her face. Her once cold glare had now turned soft.

"I wanted to apologize for being so rude to you and Sara," began Margo. I was so confused of her generous words, was I supposed to put down my sword and surrender to the dragon?

"Sara told me that you really had no idea what Savi was doing and I believe her. She told me the pain that she is suffering from the loyalty of her sister and you. I have to admit, you have a very unique daughter."

Wow, someone was actually being nice to me, someone was actually showing me sympathy, it now dawned on me that Sara was my Knight in Shining Armor. She saved not only me but the day. This little girl was under so much pressure it was just ridiculous! When was just us three girls and Savi not around I tried so hard to bring some quality time between us, to bring some laughter and help for her. But Sara was an odd duck. She harbored so much in her heart of hearts. She would just manifest the pain and hide it so fearful of ever really sharing what she was experiencing. No matter what attempts I had made or the space she needed to finally come out and share, she just wouldn't. I knew that she was a ticking time bomb and that is what scared me the most.

Margo shared that Savi was in fact ready to see me, that she did admit she wanted to see me now puzzled me because every time I called I was told something completely opposite of what I was now hearing. Yes, Savi was mastering her own map of destruction and her biggest obstacle was me. She was going to take me down no matter who she hurt in the process.

I told Margo that I would go first thing in the morning but quickly changed it to the afternoon. Sara had missed so much school that she needed to go back and get caught up. Margo told me that by having family there it would help Savi with her mind and thinking yet for some reason the wicked snake inside of me just didn't care how something would help her.

I was just spent, I was slowly becoming numb to the wicked mind of my now evil daughter. My heart was slowly turning to stone. If Savi wanted to teach me to hate her, she was doing a bang up job. Once Margo left I turned to Sara asking her what she wanted to do. She told me she wanted to go to the community pool and swim with her friends.

I took Sela from her arms, told her to go change and have fun. I told her I would be there later to sit and watch her. When she left slamming the door behind her Raiza appeared asking who was at the house this time.

I made a pot of coffee, we both sat down and slowly I began to unwind the story of Margo. As usual Raiza was always kind and willing to listen to crazy life.