Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Saying Good Bye

Saying good bye can be the most difficult thing for just about anyone. We can and will become attached to the ones we love either deeply or as a friend. The one's we hug good bye have become a fixture in our daily lives. We know that person almost better than we know ourselves. When we stand before them and watch them walk away we can and will feel that a piece of our life is missing then.

But what if the person that is leaving, the person that we drop off, we are glad to see them go?

Is the Grass Greener on the Other Side of the Fence?

The drive up to Ricks was so somber, there was no conversation, no apologies for my behavior because I was not about to apologize for me blowing up. There was no apology from Savi not one single word. I could sense the anger and resentment from her just by the way that she leaned so deeply into the passenger door. She kept checking her watch on her wrist wondering when we would get there. She kept glancing out the window watching traffic go by. Me, I just clutched the steering wheel so tightly with each mile that passed.

I was once again confused, was I glad to see her go, would my life really be easy with her gone, would I even miss her? The selfish side of me just wanted to drop kick her to the curb, the other side of me was praying that she would break and start with her waterworks begging for me to turn around pleading that she would be better, she would be a good daughter once again. But of course she never did and my stubborn ways actually thought this was better.

I did know how it was going to turn out, I knew it would be bad, but she never believed a word I said, she always thought that I was purposely trying to railroad her and stop her from what she really wanted, her dad. But she needed to remember, I lived with him for three years, I lived and walked through the abuse, the black eyes, the bruised arms, the hurt face, the countless hospital visits and with each visit, a constant lie of how I got yet another bruise.

When I had finally arrived into San Fernando Valley the traffic was heavy, the night was warm, and one could see the many gangs that drove by either in their supped up cars or walking through the town with their gangs. It was the most disgusting place to ever be in. When I pulled up to the sidewalk putting my car in park Savi just jumped from the car running towards the stairs bounding upstairs taking two steps at a time.

I was left behind to gather her things and make my own way up the stairs. Once inside of the tiny two bedroom apartment I was greeted by Rick and Jackie's two youngest daughters. They hugged Savi asking over and over if she was really moving in. Savi sprinted over to Jackie hugging her and when she did, she made sure to have me watch her while she glared at me trying to hurt my feelings. But, I had no feelings left when it came to Savi.

I remember Rick walking over and hugging Savi then looking over at me with such a glare,

"You were smoking in the car with her, you don't ever smoke in front of my daughter you got that bitch?" before I knew the back of his hand made a direct contact with my right cheek. I had gone from fearing Rick to no longer fearing Rick. I took my stance and glared at him, I was filled with so much anger and as I stood there clenching my fist I could hear Jackie in the back ground repeatedly yelling to stop.

"That's it asshole," I began, "you have no right to hit me, you want to beat up on your wife, that's your business, but you will never hit me again."

I turned grabbing my phone out of my pocket to call 9-11 to report violence but Rick grabbed my phone trying to get it out of my hands. Jackie jumped up from the couch stepping in the middle of me and Rick.

"Rick, stop it, let her go," shouted Jackie. I could hear the tension in her voice, she then directed me to leave telling me it was best. I told them both it wouldn't be long before the police arrive. Once I was outside I started to call 9-11 but instead I changed my mind. I cupped my burning face and climbed into my car and drove off. I was actually glad to be rid of her, I was glad that she was gone. I had no qualms of leaving her behind besides, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she came back to me and when she did, I would be ready for her with a new set of rules, a new way of living. She would no longer call the shots and I would once again gain control.

As I pulled up to my house it was almost nine in the evening. Sara peaked her head out of the back door looking and wondering if Savi actually left. I remember taking a heavy sigh thinking how to explain this one more time, I was trying to think of the positive of her sister being gone. Raiza had fed Sela and put her to bed and once inside, I could see Sara's big black eyes begin to form tears.

I clung to her telling her that I tried to stop her, I tried to make her stay for almost three years now but she fought me on living with Rick. I could tell Sara wanted to crumble in my arms but still remain mad but she finally gave in and just crumbled in my arms crying so strongly.

I lead Sara to the couch and just sat while I continued to hold her then watching Raiza leave waving good bye telling me she would see me tomorrow. For almost a full hour Sara and I just sat and talked with me telling her it would be the same as if she was gone to the hospital. There would be better nights with her gone, the house would be quiet, there would be no more CPS or cops or hospitals that we had to worry about. Finally, Sara got up and kissed me good night and walked off to her room.

Me, I just continued to sit in the room that was now filled with silence. There was no sound, no yelling, screaming, crying from me, it was just pure bliss.