Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Ruthless

There are people out in the every day world that take such pleasure in being ruthless. Would one label a criminal a ruthless person? What constitutes a "Ruthless" person? How does one go from an everyday loving person to a now ruthless person?

The definition of a ruthless person:
"Having or showing no compassion or pity for others"

Does a mother who struggles with a out of control child become a ruthless person by choice or does that parent get pushed to such a limit the brain can no longer contain any logical thinking? We have all heard of many people that have become so angered, so mystified by life and what others are capable of doing or creating we develop what is called "Black Anger" black anger is when we black out any common reality or thoughts as a human.

Yes, she is RUTHLESS!

Within mere seconds of Savi spewing out such hateful words to such a decent person I was just flabbergasted that someone can be that cold, that deceitful, that uncaring. I was certain that she had met someone that she can connect to, she can relate to. Dio and Savi had spent so much time together and I was beginning to see a change in Savi that brought music to my mind and my vision.

There was laughter coming from her, there was hope coming from her and I was beginning to see a side of Savi I had never experienced as a mother. Of course my thinking was "hell, if someone else can bring my daughter laughter and joy, so be it"  

To take someone's heart, spirit, as well as conviction of unconditional love, should I be surprised by that? I mean she took me down to places so dark and so cold that I too wondered if she was in fact human or had any human capacity of feeling love for anyone. My mind continued to take me back to when she was a baby and I constantly examined her body thinking that there had to be the sign "666" somewhere on her which always made me wonder just what was really wrong with her.

I of course was so upset that Savi could be that uncaring and that unloving but I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. But yet again, Savi never seemed to stop surprising me.

Weeks turn into months

Savi's pregnancy was coming along beautifully, she was gaining the right weight, she had finally stopped vomiting and now was eating regularly. I was now the chosen one to take her to her doctors appointments and soon the topic came up from the OBGYN about her decision on keeping the baby or not. I had began to tell Savi that she can keep the baby and I would do all I could to help her my mom of course had different ideas, she wanted her to put the baby up for adoption she didn't want Savi to have a child that she possibly would end up abandoning leaving me to raise it due to her unstable mental capacity as well as her drinking and drug use.

I of course tried to per sway my mom by telling her it would force her to grow up it would create a bond for her that I believe she so desperately needed because no matter how much I loved her or how much my parents loved her it just never seemed to be right for Savi.

Then it happened, Savi came home from being out with her less then likeable friends and she informed me that she wanted to give her baby up for adoption. She had made the most personal and most painful decision of her life. I could tell that was not what she really wanted, I could tell that it pained her a great deal to say such a painful sentence but I promised her I would support her in whatever she wanted to do. So, I asked her how she wanted to handle this, I asked her if she wanted to toss her name in the ring at the state adoption society where couples that were childless could go and search out pregnant teens.

Savi agreed and that is just what we did. As we drove down to the agency not a word was uttered between us. What I really wanted to do was shake her and scream at her that she was making the worst mistake in her life, how selfish can she be, was hanging out with the worst losers in life, getting stoned, drunk, and sleeping with the entire world her only mission in life?

I was struggling personally inside and the outside of my body. I didn't want Savi to suffer the wrath of what a mother feels like when handing her baby over to a perfect stranger to raise and love telling the world it is "their baby" as well as the constant wondering from the child itself  asking why the birth mother just walked away. Was I trying to fill in the pain from my own life or was I actually trying to save Savi from the so many unanswered questions that she was about to face as well as her baby for both of their lives?

I wanted to scream out the confusion I had felt my entire life wondering how someone can carry me and then just give birth and walk away from me. I wanted to shout out to her the constant wondering if I ever ran into my birth mother would I forgive her or hate her? Of course adoptions in the sixties versus the adoptions in the year 2007 were much different. There are now open adoptions where you can have the court order the birth mother to actually be a part of the child's life. See pictures, see the growth of her baby but I was a stickler on that thinking that it would end up being torture to the heart of Savi.

Once we had arrived the agitated Savi came alive. Her spiteful mouth, her horrible attitude towards the kind lady trying to help us, made me so angry. I was trying to be supportive but Savi was not going to go down without a fight. I knew she was confused mixed with anger, self pity, resentment, and without thinking she wanted to punish anyone and everyone in her path. It was as if she was a tornado that took out an entire town leaving nothing but destruction and death behind. I had bite my tongue so much and I was constant being challenged by her, challenged if I loved her, challenged by her anger, after a while I was beginning to feel like the bull that had been stabbed countless times by the Matador seeping blood from every stab every wound.

The kind lady kept reassuring Savi that they would be discrete, professional and then asked if we would like to see the books of parents registered through the agency. I told Savi it wouldn't hurt just to see who was in the books and together with a full box of tissues, we sat down and began to thumb through the countless childless couples desperately seeking to have a child.

Each page gave a picture of both the husband and wife along with a solid description of both the husband and wife. Their medical conditions, financial wealth, where they lived, how long they had lived there, their other family members such as parents, brothers, sisters, etc. It also described what they do for work and any future plans. After going through a few pages Savi just began to cry uncontrollably then leaning into me sobbing and in between sobs she began to confess her horrible decisions.

"Why did I get pregnant, why did I let Dio go, why am I here, what have I done, I will never see my baby ever again will I?"

I had to tell her, I had to share something so painful for myself and I had to put my pain aside to help her.

"Savi, look at me, look at who my parents are, if it wasn't for them who knows where I would be, it is because of Nana and Grampy I had the life I had. My birth mother loved me so much at least, that is what I need to believe. She loved me enough to give me life a fighting chance. But let me ask you this.." Savi stopped crying and looked at me...

"Can you provide a life such as I had for your baby, can you stop the cutting, the drinking, the drugs, can you be a full time single mother that will provide unselfishly for your baby?"

Savi stopped crying then wiping the snot from her nose and tears from her cheeks and face looking at me and then uttered..."No, I can't"

I kept the tone of my voice soft, I kept it heartfelt, I kept it in a nonconforming way, I remained gentle and loving while rubbing her back and brushing her hair from her face now mixed with sweat...

"Then you need to do what's right for this baby, give this baby a fighting chance, we will find the right couple for you." I never once told her that I loved her or was proud of her for some reason. I don't know why I just never did. I guess because I was trained by Savi to always be on my guard, always have my fist up ready for the sucker punches or blows from Savi.

I got up and walked over to a book of yet other couples and that was when I found this couple. The wife a principal at a high school and the husband an IT Tech at a local company. They were both in their early thirties and had four failed adoptions. They failed because all four mothers once they gave birth and saw their baby for the first time then quickly changed their minds pulling the plug on the adoptions.

Her name was Cassandra and his name was Phillip. Both of them had undergone five years of multiple attempts of her getting pregnant medically but due to her weight it just was not going to work. They had been trying to adopt for another five years and here they were again trying one more time.  The lady at the adoption office really didn't have that much information other than what was given on the bio of them both.

There was something about them that just stuck with me, they seemed like a kind couple, they appeared to have great careers and my heart just went out for them. But this of course was not my decision but I was certainly going to try to persuade Savi to at least meet them.

And she agreed.