Friday, January 20, 2017

Right Before My Very Eyes

Someone once told me, "our eyes are the windows to our soul" when we glance at someone for that split second do they appear sad, do they appear happy, are they concerned, puzzled, or are they so sad about something it can appear no matter what we say to them, happiness is just untouchable?

Our eyes can play tricks on us making us believe that what may be before us is actually not there a figment of our imagination. When evil lurks around us our eyes can frighten us for the unknown, we try to imagine the best yet the worst comes so quickly it can put our vision at a pinnacle peak that we shudder at the vision before us.

And She Speaks In Silence....

Hearing the echoing blast of the back door closing part of me just wanted to go out and drag Savi by her hair then dragging her into the house so not a single person can view with their eyes the cast of punches I wanted to produce to her body. My life had become a double edge sword. If I were to go out and drag her in kicking and screaming she could eliminate my life and the life with my other two daughters with one single phone call. Then on the other side of that sword, somehow someway I needed to gain control of my life which was crumbling like a dry week old cookie.

Just less than twenty four hours my home was quiet, my home was peaceful, Sara, Sela and myself were dining at dinner as a family. We were laughing, I was helping her with her homework, I could hear the children laughing outside, basically my life was drama free. And, with one phone call everything came a screeching halt. Odd how a phone call can change one's life in a split second.

I didn't know what to do, do I chase her and risk her putting an end to what I was so desperate for or was I so desperate for that freedom I had for a whole thirty days. I grabbed the phone numbers of the few doctors that were given to me for us to attend the family counseling. The receptionist on the other end made the appointment for us to attend in two days. She took the needed information such as the hospital she was at, what she was in for, the number of medications she was on and what she was currently taking.

As I hung up I really didn't now what to do so I called my mom. My mom told me to go and get her and bring her home and ground her. I chuckled at the thought of someone who has more power then me, who had all the control, who now held the deck of cards shuffling and tossing me about. My mom told me how I was a bad kid growing up but I was never this bad. She was too at a loss of ideas once I told her if I were to go and get her an drag her home kicking and screaming she could destroy me with one phone call. My mom drew silent unsure just what to say to me or do about Savi.

I decided to continue my night as if she just wasn't home. Sara and I along with Sela gathered at the table but the tension was so thick we barely said two words to each other unsure of what to talk about unsure what to say to each other. I just continued to sit and with each tick of the clock I grew angrier and angrier. My leg began to shake, my pulse began to race, my heart was beating out of my chest. Finally without notice I gathered the plates on the table taking them to the kitchen sink throwing them in watching them shatter with pieces of ceramic flying all over the place. I dropped to the ground and just began to scream uncontrollably then began to cry which of course lead to weeping.

"God, I hate her, I hate who she is, I hate what she is doing, I can't take this anymore."

Was she my revenge child? Was she someone that my own mother wished I would have due to her telling me how horrible I was as a teen yet I wasn't this bad? I felt a warm hand touch my arm then looking up it was Raiza. Her sympathetic voice and loving touch was so wanted I grabbed her and clung to her then letting my tears open and flow.

"I just saw Savi wandering through the street here so I came over to see how your doing." I had clung to Raiza so tightly I could feel her own heart racing, I could hear her breathing. I just continued to cling to her on the floor as if she was my last breath, if I were to let go I would no longer be able to breath. Even with Savi not there, she was suffocating me with her power.

Raiza picked me up and then instructed Sara to take Sela and herself to her house to see Tiffany her daughter which was roughly the same age as Sara. With both of them gone Raiza began steering me to the couch planting me firmly. She ran to get me a tissue due to the dribbles of snot now running down my chin. She then turned her attention to the mess in the kitchen cleaning up the broken shards of dishes all over the kitchen floor.

Once I had calmed down we just began to talk about nothing really and before I knew it we were both laughing and talking about nothing still just endless go no where conversations.

Then it dawned me....

"I know what I can do, I can lock her out, if she thinks that she is going to take me down, she isn't. I will just make sure that she has no way to get into the house." I knew that if I were to tell Sara no matter what happens, you do not open the front door, the windows, the back door no matter how many times she bangs on anything to get in.

"But won't that put Sara in the middle, I mean I get it, but that is putting Sara in the middle and that is going to confuse her more than what she already is." shared Raiza with her kind eyes and soft voice.

I remember I just growled like a panther ready to strike, "so what do I do then, this girl has taught me to hate her and right about now my love for her is just fading so quickly. She is teaching me to hate her and I don't want to but I can't help it." I said. "I worry about her when she is not here, I wonder if she is safe, I wonder what drugs she is doing, is she drunk somewhere, is she being taken advantage of, she is manipulating me, she is using me like a pawn in chess."

I shot up from the couch wanting to grab something and just throw it across the room to watch it shatter into a million pieces. Sadly, that is just what I did. I grabbed the ceramic dish sitting on the coffee table picking it up and hurling it across the room watching it hit the thin walls then come crashing down in so many pieces. I have to admit, that did feel good.

As the evening drew near I went to gather my daughters at Raiza's house to bring them home for bed. Once I was home I told Sara that she had school tomorrow and Felix was coming to get Sela for the day. But I just couldn't help it, I told Sara no matter what happens, when Savi comes home do not let her in. Do not open any doors or windows so that she can't get in. I made sure that all the doors were locked and bolted shut. Sara of course was upset about me locking her sister out but at that point I had turned to a dark place, a place I just didn't care about. I instructed Sara if and when Savi comes home and she begins banging on her window to come and wake me up. I was just hell bent on this child getting into the home. I mean if she wanted to play the game her way, let's play!!

Well, morning came and shocking enough Savi never came home. Me, I just continued my morning as if she just wasn't there. I made my pot of coffee, got Sela up to get her ready to see her dad, got Sara up made her breakfast and then left to take her to school. But as the day went on, Savi was no where to heard of. Me, I just didn't care. I was fine with her being gone, I was fine with her not being there.

                                                        And there is ALWAYS A BUT....

With Sara gone and Sela with her dad the home was quiet for a few minutes but my silence was disrupted by a knock on the front door and when I looked out the window it was some woman I had never seen before. I opened it and she told me her name was Katherine Jones she was from of course CPS. She wanted to interview Savi and myself. She wanted to make sure that the coming home was a good idea and things were going smoothly. As she said that to me, I just chuckled at the thought of anything ever smoothly in my life.