Monday, January 2, 2017

parents and new people

Explaining situations can be very tricky. We know what we want to say, we have it spaced out in our mind what we will say, how we say it, as well as the impact we want it to have on the person who is listening. I now believe that communication is precious GOLD!

While I was in school a few years back I was told I needed to take a communications class. I was puzzled at the fact that it was a required course prior to me actually attending my chosen classes. One of the biggest eye opening experiences I had during this course was how one perceives what you are trying to say.

For example, if we were to use an exclamation point it appears we are shouting. If we use our chosen words in bold type we can appear to be aggressive. While we sit and type what seems to be logical in our minds from the writers point of view with even a simple email, the reader otherwise known as the "receiver" can view one's writing as confusing.

Words can and will always be the most powerful tools that we use. For example, blogging, it can and will always be the most powerful form of communication we use in our modern day society. What we chose to share and write about can actually have a powerful impact on one's every day life. Yet, how we read it can also have a very powerful impact from the "receiver" that is reading your blogs.

My Dad!

Growing up with my dad has never been easy. His powerful job within the government system allowed him to have an even more powerful presence which of course was followed by a very well known figure and many knew just who he was. Everywhere I went I was known as my father's daughter. I never had a first name or a last name, I was just simply asked, "Hey, aren't you Mr. Wright's daughter?" Since my dad's career took off we went from living a simple life to now living within a fishbowl making it so readily available for the entire world to know and watch just who we were. Everyone saw our lives and we often appeared in many newspapers and magazines.

Communication with my dad was even harder. So, explaining to him about Savi the night I came home from the mental hospital and trying to convey what I was told to do, "come back tomorrow maybe she will want to see you then" was going to be the hardest conversation I ever had. My dad was barely sympathetic to the human heart and my mom was no picnic either. Boy, if I or someone else ever pissed off my mom, it was similar to dealing with all four ranks of the military at war with each other all at once.

"So, what happened, what the hell is going on over there?" my dad roared with his strong boisterous overbearing voice.

Savi had always been the apple of my dad's eyes. He adored her and everything she stood for. She had a special place in my dad's heart and now I had to share with him that she masterminded her own attempt of suicide plus blocking me from seeing her at all. I was in the process of taking in a large gasp of air when he interrupted me once again.

"What the hell is going on over there, friggen spill it, let's have it, what did the police department tell you and why is she in a nut ward?"

I could feel my legs quiver once again and exhaustion was once again sneaking up to me I was to weak to fight it off because it was to strong for me. What I really wanted to say was to shut the hell up, I was beaten down and just wanted to go to bed. Would I really sleep though especially with all that is happening?

I was desperately searching for the words but nothing was coming out, I was quickly trying to find the proper words for my overbearing head shaking roaring fire breathing father. My body ached making me feel like I was hit and dragged by the train that rain daily every two hours right behind our house. My dad was making me feel nauseas and within seconds my mom piped up also demanding to know what was happening.

As I sat down I could hearing the loud booming silence in the house which was ear deafening. Why was it when the house was so silent at that point it seemed to be the most loudest noise I had ever heard?

I began sharing in my mellow monotone voice about my entire day from morning until now. I got up, got myself and the girls ready for both work and school kissed the girls goodbye, Felix came home and sat with Sela as he always did while I worked at Red Robin as a food server sharing it was just another ordinary day nothing really different.

Then I got to the point of when Sara came home from school and Savi wasn't with her. Then how the late bus showed up and Savi wasn't on that either. While I continued to fearfully explain my breathing became erratic, my stomach tossed and turned, my heart raced so fast it ached. I could feel my hands trembling as I held my cellphone. I could feel the beads of moisture forming on my upper lip as well as my ear which resulted from clenching the phone so tightly. My ear was burning due to me digging the phone into my ear.

"I got a phone call from the local police department dad around 5:30 maybe a few minutes after that or before I just don't remember. The officer told me that someone saw Savi climbing the chain link fence almost to the other side in order to jump onto the speeding moving cars on the freeway in order for her to end her life."

The extended pause from my dad made it so very painful to continue this conversation. He was in shock I could tell because for the first time my dad was at a loss for words something that was very rare with my dad. My mom of course was in the background demanding that he tell her everything. Her monotone going up and down accompanied with fear in her voice just put a vice grip on my heart.

"Wait, you mean she tried to kill herself, she actually tried to jump the damn bridge and end her life?" roared my dad. My mom began screaming, my throat became enlarged to the point I couldn't seem to swallow the pools of saliva that now was forming within my mouth.

"Yes, dad, that is exactly what she tried to do dad, she tried to kill herself today. They have her on a what's called..." my dad cut me off right then, "yeah, it's called a 51/50 I know what the hell it's called I deal with cowards like that daily. I don't need an education course on what that is."

At that point I didn't know what to feel or think but of course my father continued with the drilling of questions as if I was up on the witness stand.

"Well, where the hell is she?' roared my dad once again. I could hear my mom trying to calm him down telling him to stop yelling at me that I had nothing to do with this, that it was Savi who was doing this not me. But was it me that actually made her want to do this, was it my failed attempt at being her mother that set her off with the only option from so much pain that she was in and suicide was her only choice?

Horrible thoughts came flooding in my mind. Was it me that caused her to do this because I wanted to keep her from Rick only because I knew the actual abuse that she would suffer first hand, was it a form of protection or was it my retaliation on both Rick and Savi? Did I force her to turn to drinking to stop the pain that she was feeling by not being with her dad? Was all this my fault? Was it my own negligence that caused such pain in my precious daughter's life?

"She's at a place called "Riverside Mental Hospital" it looks like a jail dad, it smells inside the lobby like piss, it's run down, its just a stinking mess."

"Well," my dad began then cleared his throat, "of course it is, it's ran by the county, they don't give two shits what happens to it. Its a friggen nut ward for insane people."

"I tried to see her, I tried to talk to her." my words were breaking up while I sobbed trying to tell him that she didn't want to see me. He just became furious with me and my crying. He yelled at me to stop crying and talk to him because he cant understand a hysterical woman. He roared his words, he bellowed his sounds reminding me of a fire breathing dragon once again.

"Give me that phone daddy," my mom said loudly, "your not helping yelling at her you need to remain calm and your ugly ways right now is not helping anyone at this point."

Once I heard my mom's voice on the phone I just lost it, I cried harder and harder, then finally sharing how she doesn't want to see me.

"What do you mean she doesn't want to see you, she actually said she doesn't want to see you, she turned you away, you have got to be kidding me, what a little bitch."

"Yeah mom, that's what she said," as I whispered the most painful words of my daughter not wanting to see me. "I was told by the security officer to come back tomorrow she may want to see me then, so Raiza is going with me and we are going back after the kids go to school."

"You must be exhausted sweetheart, go get some rest or at least try to, call me tomorrow once you find out more information. Good night baby."

After I hung up and said my goodbye's I slumped off to my bed climbing in clothes and all and without a second breath I was out like a light.

"Are you Savi's mother?"

"Mom, someone is knocking on the door," yelled Sara from the living room. I was in my bedroom getting ready to go. I was finishing up my make-up and hair when I shouted back it was Raiza to let her in.

"Mom, it's not Razia, some lady is at the door." Sara said as she entered my bedroom holding Sela. I turned to look at Sara wincing my eyes in confusion questioning who would be at my door at eight in the morning? I dropped my curling iron then headed to the front door.

Turing the knob to open the door, I saw this middle aged woman standing there. She was pudgy in size wearing a plaid blue and white shirt. She was wearing what many call "mom jeans" that were so tight along with white tennis shoes. Her hair was tossed and seemed to be a mess. She never smiled at me, instead she just gave me a stern look of concern. She was sporting a bunch of papers spewing out of a beaten down leather briefcase.

"Good morning," she said cold and uninviting. "Are you Savi's mother?" still cold with the questions in her voice.

"Yeah, I am, who are you?" I said confused on who was asking and why she was there so early.

"My name is Barbara Ramsey, I am with Child Protective Services and I am here to discuss what happened to Savi at your residence." (I still remember the first ever CPS worker that showed up my house at 8:04 am)

In desperation I turned to Sara who was now standing closely behind me trying to hide from the mystery woman at the front door. I quickly could tell that something was about to go very badly. I turned telling Sara to go get Raiza and quickly and bring her back here. Sara broke away from behind me then bolting to the backdoor still holding Sela running across the street to get Raiza.

Barbara Ramsey removed her sunglasses to glare at me while also sizing me up.

"I just left Savi in the hospital and she told me quite a story about you and how you are as a mother, we need to talk if that is okay with you and oh yeah, you need to have both of your other daughters present I need to talk to them as well so, Sara better be coming back here along with your youngest daughter."

I remember just snickering at her looking at her as if she was just as dumb as dumb can be followed by, "you need to talk to a ten month old baby, really, you want to have a conversation with my ten month old baby?"

"Are you going to let me in so we can talk?" Barbara coldly asked me.

"Not until I contact my attorney." I told her.

"You have an attorney?" Ramsey asked me in such a rude tone.

"Well, your here, I guess I do." I retaliated with bitter coldness in my voice.