Monday, January 23, 2017

Life's Experiences

Life's experiences is just that. It doesn't really need explanation, there really is no definition for it, but one can certainly dwell on their own life's experiences. It can teach us right from wrong, but why must we continue to do wrong when we know what the final outcome will be? Do we test fate when we make a second attempt carefully plotting our footsteps in order to not make the same mistakes?

Do we feel since we learned our wrong doing's the first time that the second time around we will be better because will not make the same mistake again?  Does one mastermind the second attempt thinking over and over what steps we took the first time ensuring that our last ditch effort will not fall short of the same mistakes the second time around?

Everyone has a boiling point, every single person on the face of the great big earth has a point when they just loose it. No matter the countless attempts of staying in control, control fails us and we explode.

The Lady at the Front Door

Katherine was a very butch looking woman, and when she stood at the front door wanting to be let in, I could smell the undercover cop all over her. She just reeked of undercover cop. Now I had enough law experience from my dad as well as my graduation of law school dealing with family law and criminal law that I could now smell any type of cop or undercover. Isn't it just strange that I would turn to family law and criminal law especially since I had been dealing with Savi?

I remember when she showed up at my door. The winter months were quickly approaching yet in California winter months were still filled with what seemed to be warm summer evenings. The trees of course had dropped their leaves giving the appearance of bare naked branches. The clouds above were forming warning everyone that a winter rain storm was quickly approaching. As I stood outside listening to Katherine I just kept shaking my head at her. I was wondering when she was going to divulge who she was, would she be smart enough to know that she must divulge who she is, what precinct she worked at and as well, any paperwork that would explain why she was there.

No, she was bare naked at the branches on my front lawn. She never divulged a badge to me, she never did anything by protocol that she should have done but I still stood before her and let her go on and on until I just couldn't take it anymore.  

"So," I began, "how long are you going to go on rattling this bullshit to me until you finally show me your badge, I mean you just scream undercover cop and I know you are. You do understand your violating my civil rights as a citizen and the fact that your here trying to bust me for something that I didn't ever do, I could have your fucking badge bitch and you would be pushing paperwork for a very long time."

I remember her facial expression, she was shocked at my bold rude manner, she just stood before me not sure what to say. I could feel my face turning bright red, I could feel my heart beating once again out of my chest a feeling that was so normal for me now. I could feel my jaw tighten, my teeth clenching and grinding. I felt like a pit-bull ready to attack the weak victim.

"The next time you want to come onto my property and falsely accuse me of doing something I never did, you better have some god damn paperwork and proof that I did what you think I did. You better be sporting your badge as well, now get the fuck off my property and don't ever come back."

Katherine thought she was going to bully me, she thought she was going to intimidate me, she thought she was going to have the upper hand, well her failed attempt gave me strength. I had enough of Savi and her bullshit, I had enough of my front door becoming a rotating door, I had enough of people telling me I was a horrible mother, a hysterical mother, I had enough of the labels and I was just done with everything.

I wish sick and tired of desperately trying to wash the blood from Savi's arms, legs, her stomach, I was tired of her taking control over me. If she wanted to go live with her dad so badly then so be it. She can go and live with that abuser, she will see just how hard she has it living with him.

I picked up the phone and called Rick telling him I am packing her bullshit and she will be coming to live with him. Rick of course agreed and before he could get nasty with me I cut him off at the pass telling him that his bullshit remarks was not needed and to take advantage of this right now and just keep his mouth shut.

I then got into my car and drove around and around looking for Savi and once I found her I slammed my car into park then storming out of my car.

"There you are, get the hell in the car and don't ask any questions, just get in the car." Savi's eyes turned from her cold uninviting stare to ugly stare.

"You can't talk to me that way, I will make a phone call and tell CPS that your abusing me, matter of fact I think I will tell them that your beating me with a wooden spoon." she just continued to stare at me trying to gain control of the situation. Our voices were raised and people were starting to come out of their mobile homes to watch the fight between a mother and daughter.

"Oh no," I began, my blood turning cold at the very sight of her, my love for her was being tested and I refused to now fall to her level, I refused to let her take control of my life, I refused to let her do anything wrong to my life as well as Sara's and Sela's life. This was now a fight to gain back my life. I continued to stand by the car that was still running and then ducked inside to pull out my cell phone.

"Here bitch," I began screaming uncontrollably, "call CPS better yet, call 9-11 because when I get done with you it will be worthwhile sitting in jail knowing that I had the final say, that I was able to finally take my aggression out on you, I was able to finally take a blow at you."

Savi stopped short in what she was going to say, she stood there shocked at what I just said to her, her mouth closed her eyes began to well up with tears, yet I just stood there. I had become used to her tears, they actually meant nothing to me any longer.

I walked away from the car brisk fully up to Savi grabbing her arm dragging her to the passenger side of the car and tossing her in. I slammed the door shut and then noticed the multiple families that were standing there watching me. I yelled that the show was over and get the hell back into their houses.

As I climbed back into my car I slammed my side as well then turning to her. I was so angry I had turned just black from a clear thought.

"Look little girl, you want out of my life so badly, so be it, you are no longer going to manipulate me, you are no longer going to control me and I will no longer be your little puppet that you control. I called Rick, your leaving tonight to go live with him. I already packed your things, your out of here today." I shouted with such hate in my voice.

Yes, my first born daughter had now taught me to hate her. I was just so sick and tired of hearing from judges, attorney's, doctors, CPS workers, cops, nurses how she was just a lost soul. I was done with the finger pointing. I was done with trying desperately trying to help her and with all the hundreds if not thousands of attempts that I made to keep her safe yet never once did it ever get noticed. Not once!!

I never turned to look at her, I never stopped to wonder how she felt about this. I just didn't care anymore. I had reached my boiling point. As I pulled into my parking space I ordered Savi to wait in the car. I quickly called Raiza asking her to get Sara from the bus stop and watching Sela after Felix drops her off. She agreed quickly after I shared why. She was almost happy for me that I had finally taken back the control.

I grabbed Savi's things that I had packed and threw them into the trunk slamming it shut then climbing in and driving off.