"If you can talk about and not get mad, then your over it, but if you talk about it and you still get mad, then your not over it"
Moving on from the past is supposed to be one step at a time. Yes, we will stumble, yes we will encounter fear as well as many obstacles but if you haven't noticed which I have many times, when someone tells you, "the past is the past, move on and just accept it" have you ever wondered if maybe they have something that is lingering over the other person's head telling you to get over something that could in fact be so personal?
Is it fault of my own or was I playing cards with the Devil?
Friday, September 2002 9:10 PM
Of course I made the painful phone call to my parents regarding Savi's attempt at jumping the overpass on the freeway in order to end her life. It was as if my world just came to a complete standstill, there was no movement in my world, there was not one person I could see speaking to me, my world was turning dark and my battles within my own mind had began. I felt as if I was in a foxhole in such a cold bleak ruthless night. If I looked up there was no moon to guide me, there was no stars to shine above me.
In the distance I could hear the muffled voices of many other people yet, I could not make out what they were saying. As I shivered in this foxhole I worried if I came out to explore what my life had now become I would encounter another devastating blow from a stranger that had maneuvered their lives into my now confused and bewildering mind. How can I go from walking just the night before with Savi and Raiza to suddenly hearing how my child's life was so messed up, so dark, so empty that she felt the need to end her very existence?
Savi has always had a such a large range distance from me ever since she was born. She clung to Rick as if he was her lungs and she needed him to breath. The many attempts of starting to love then realizing no matter what I tried she would never be close to me. I personally felt as if I failed my daughter and now that I have had so much time, space, and now distance I believe I did fail her in so many ways. I know I was selfish with my love for her but it was filled with jealousy because she loved another more than her own mother. She loved the person I hated the most.
My dad just blew a gasket when I told him, his painful voice followed by confusion just broke my heart. I began to wonder with all the commotion going on with Savi would I ever make a phone call to my parents with good news? It has just been one phone call after another filled with pain, tears, frustration, and just wanting to give up all that I was facing.
You know there is a lot of truth to the most famous saying of all..."Fight or Flight" and flying was just so much easier than facing the worst battle of my life. If I was to stand there and "fight" would I make the best decisions for her, would I make the best decisions for Sara and Sela, would I lose my other two daughters in such a wreckless attempt of Savi? Thoughts just flooded my mind far worse then any other flood our world has seen. I felt as if the forceful waters were just rising as I struggled to keep my head above water as it swiftly swept we away. I could feel myself struggling within the cold rigged waters desperately making any attempt to reach for anything and everything that came upon me to pull myself out of those evil waters. Yet, nothing was really there. So, I decided to pull myself out of the waters and FIGHT!
Once I got the address from the officer that had called me Raiza told me that she would go with me. Sara of course got stuck babysitting once again but she wanted to go, she wanted to see her sissy as she called her. She cried at the thought of Savi actually being gone, she panicked at the thought of her never seeing her sister ever again. I remember I didn't even reach out to console her, I just got up from the desk ran to my bedroom to throw on different clothes then running to the back door of my home climbing into the car and just speeding off.
Once I arrived at the mental institution it resembled a jail. There were six stories to this place and each window was narrow in size. The night was chilly because Fall was fast approaching. The parking lot was empty except for two cars. I wondered if I even had the right place. I just kept driving and driving in circles until I finally parked in a stall and turned off my car. I just sat there with Raiza and she really didn't know what to say. Would anyone really know what to say to someone else who just found out their daughter wanted to kill themselves?
Once I emerged I could feel the brisk air hit my face. My hands began quivering, my voice was cracked, sore and broken from the many screams of pain. At the front door was a sign that said, "Ring bell for service" and once I rang it an oversize black woman in a security outfit came and asked what I wanted. I told her that my daughter was brought here just recently from the sheriffs office. The officer asked her name and I told her only to watch her turn and leave with me standing there.
It seemed like forever until she finally came back telling me that they are still processing her but to come in and wait in the lobby. As we both sat the room was dark except for a flood light in the farthest area of the room. Christian magazines laid on top of a very beaten coffee table. The cold red tile floors needed a good cleaning and trash was laid all around.
The front lobby window had a large black sign that read "CLOSED WE WILL REOPEN AT 9:00 AM" next to the receptionist windows were lockers. The door that lead to wherever had been beaten down and damaged. I felt so fearful of where my daughter was. I began to wonder if she is safe, is she cold, is she sick, will she be okay? My legs began to shake then my hands, then my body. I placed my head in my hands and just began to rub and rub. Anger was taking full force control of my mixed emotions and the longer I sat there the more angrier I had become.
I remember getting up and pacing back and forth, I paced and paced then finally almost an hour later the security officer came out and with her cold empty look she walked straight over to the door unlocking it then telling me, "your daughter said she doesn't want to see, she wants you to leave. Because of the mental condition that she is in, we have to respect her space. Maybe come back tomorrow you can possibly see her then."
My gut just wrenched in pain, my mouth was dry, my face was hurting because of the emotions I was feeling. I felt like I was going to just puke up my guts. My legs went under and I just lost control. I began screaming over and over asking why, why was she doing this. Raiza bent down and picked me up assisting me in walking out the door. But I fought it, I fought Raiza and once I did the security officer jumped in tossing me out like the trash that was all over the floors of the disgusting lobby.
I just crumbled on the cold cement sitting there crying hysterically. Savi kinged me and took my game. Raiza dug for the keys to my car in my purse and carefully picked me up telling me we had to go as the security guard just stood behind the doors watching me fall apart at the very seams that once kept me together. She put me in the car then fastening my seat belt. She climbed inside of the driver side and drove us home. Once I was home my pain turned to anger once again. Why didn't she want to see me, did she hate me that much that I just became obsolete in her life?
Once inside Sara told me that Grampy and Nana called so many times wondering what was going on. It was almost midnight when we got home.
"Grampy said to call them no matter what time it was, they want to talk to you" said Sara.
Raiza hugged me and told me that she would return in the morning so that she could go back with me once again after the kids are at school. Sara sat up the entire night waiting for me. Sela was of course bathed, dressed for bed, fed, and now fast asleep because of Sara. I walked over and hugged her thanking her then kissing the top of her head. Because she was up so late I told her she didn't have to go to school. She would be allowed to stay home and sleep in. I remember feeling so bad for her because once again she was left behind to tend to Sela. Sara had so many questions about Savi yet I told her I had nothing to share. I told her the truth, I told her Savi didn't want to see me. The look on Sara's face was priceless...just priceless as she stood there speechless.
As I hugged Raiza good night I clung to her so tightly. I didn't want to let go, I didn't want to go to bed knowing that my baby was in some mental hospital and alone, without me there to help her. But was I really any help to her, was I such a horrible mother that she wanted to get away from me so badly that death was her only option? Raiza kept trying to pull away but I kept clinging to her. Her repeatedly soft whispers telling me she would be there for me was the most soothing thing I heard all night long. Her voice was so comforting so peaceful.
My dad of course called one more time and by this time it was almost 12:16 at night. He demanded to know what was going on. I could tell by the demeanor of his voice as well as he demands he was not going to be easy to talk to.