Friday, January 6, 2017

Evil + Passion = Temptations

Passion is one of the most driving forces we have instilled within our hearts and minds. Passion can be an unruly need to take control of something wanting to cause pain, suffering, or yes, even death. Or, passion can be the most breath taking force of nature creating a stunning breath taking event we as a person will ever encounter.

Is being evil much easier then then being good? What constitutes "Evil" and the driving force of wanting to inflict such pain onto another human being? Does the person causing evil get a rush of success flowing their very veins giving them a breath taking moment of relief and accomplishment knowing that they have brought one to their knees causing them to be weak.

We have all heard of "Good vs. Evil" but to often temptation gets the best of us, the need for revenge is real, it is just fingertips away from us and if we reach hard enough and far enough we always replace good with evil. Even if we have the desire to be good.

Still not waving the white flag!

As I sat there with Raiza to my right and the pudgy doctor in front of me, well, to be truthful to wanted to angrily and with such force barge through all the doors find Savi, and just shake the living life out of her. I wanted to yell at her asking her why she was doing this to me. I wanted to grab her and just take her out of total existence. I wanted to cause such an inflicting pain to her and then stand above her and watch her suffer as she was doing to me. I then wanted to yell to her, "DOESN'T FEEL GOOD DOES IT, HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?"

The doctor asked me why I had refused to let Savi go and live with Rick and once I shared his past, his drinking problems, unemployment, how his two bedroom apartment was now housing two of his daughters in bunk beds along with no place to have her sleep, along with his many domestic violence episodes he actually understood why I was headstrong on wanting to protect her from evil. It was my passion versus evil.

"Well," began the doctor then clearing his throat, "now that I have a better understanding of why you won't allow this, I get it, I do."

"Nobody wants to live with an alcoholic, nobody wants to be abused verbally or emotionally isn't that right doctor?" I asked him. Even though he understood I was desperate for the need to be right. For some reason I had to be right. I was reaching for anyone to understand other than Raiza and my parents. I needed that outsider to understand, someone that had compassion for me as not only a person but as a mother.

"Currently Savi's thinking and her ability to think with a level head is not her best friend right now." the doctor told me. "Her need to live with her father stems from the feeling of abandonment that she feels which she blames you of."

"Abandonment, you have got to be kidding me. I drive that GIRL to see her father that lives two and half hours away from me every other weekend. She see's him every other weekend. Where does the abandonment fit into this equation?"

The doctor began jotting down notes and I wanted to stand over him to see just what he was writing. Was it the fact that I was delirious with anger, or was it that I was making sense?

"Look," I began, "every kid that comes from a broken home and then sees the father who is riddled with guilt suddenly becomes "Disneyland Dad" Rick showers her with whatever she wants out of guilt. When she is up there, there are no rules there is no discipline, then she comes home to rules, homework, everyday life with me. Of course she wants Disneyland Dad, what kid wouldn't?"

The doctor just sat watching me talk often breaking away to jot down more notes. "Well, as long as she is refusing to see you we need to honor her space and time. Healing is the biggest thing for her as well as mental therapy. We have placed her on Zoloft it is used to put the brain back into the normal frame of mind."

"So, what happens now?" I asked exhaling a huge gasp of wind feeling defeated.

"She is going to be transported to "Children's Home" right out of Los Angeles. It is a place the houses up to ninety five mentally challenged kids. They have a severe side of mentally challenged kids, they have a 51/50 side which is where she will be placed at and then they have a less severe side. Once she is settled they will contact you and tell you how she is doing and, if she decides to come home then, fine, but if not, it is a place that she can stay for up to ninety days while getting mental therapy for her."

The doctor stood up telling both of use that he had other patients to tend to and he was actually there longer than he wanted to be. Extending his hand to shake mine I just sat there staring at him not sure what to think or say. My baby was not coming home with me. She was leaving and going somewhere else. The echoing sounds of the door closing behind him was so painful. Raiza placed her hand on my back and began rubbing then hugging me trying to console me.

We were then confronted with a nurse telling us it was time to go. I don't remember how long I sat there for or who the nurse even was. I don't remember leaving the room, gathering my things and walking to my car let alone driving home. I only remember going home to watch Sara come rushing towards me asking where her sissy was wondering why she wasn't with me.

I remember not answering her I just walked right past her taking my torn down body to the couch dropping like a ton of bricks. Sleep had become the evil of my soul. My mind was constantly racing with thoughts wondering what was going to happen next or who would appear at my front door telling me I sucked as mom. I wondered how many more time Sara was to come to my rescue telling whoever it was this is not my fault. Was that my only concern was to prove that it was not my fault.

Was I in denial of the truth and what was the truth to this now messed up puzzle of my life?  The more I didn't sleep the more my mind took over thinking the worst. I was already fighting to keep my other two daughters in the house and not be part of the "court system".

Time Passes On

Admitting the truth is so hard for me but here it is. My life had actually become so much more silent with Savi gone. There was no yelling, there was no blood stained sheets from her cutting, there was no drama in my house, there was no fear of walking into my daughters room wondering if she was going to be alive or dead. I had the joy of inviting sleep back into my bedroom and why, because Savi wasn't there to cause such an uproar.

For some reason, I didn't feel guilty one bit that she wasn't there. I wondered how I can go from a total panic of not bringing my daughter home with me to suddenly enjoying the peace and quite of my home once again.

It had been a week since they transported Savi to the other mental facility and I had not yet heard from them. I never even bothered to call them because I just didn't want to know. I figured the less I knew the better I was. I was enjoying the peace and quite in my home now.

Sara of course was always the brave one. She was always the one to put a smile on her face telling me that nothing was wrong when in reality, the stew of life was soon going to bubble over. The more I asked her if she was okay the more she said she was fine. I always reminder her if she ever needed to talk, I would always be there for her to help her understand something yet I had very little understanding of it myself. I knew she missed Savi and why not, her sister and her were only thirteen months apart. It was as if they were twins. Sara was now secretly battling loyalty to me and her family and now her missing sister.

She continued to help with Sela yet when both of us were gone Felix would come over and sit with his daughter. Little did I know that Sara's problem were much bigger than I thought. I have learned in order to get something out of Sara that is bothering her, I need to just leave her alone and she will finally come forth and share her pain. But this pain was a daily pain that followed her such as the Grim Reaper of life. 

Sara was the complete opposite of Savi. Sara was what seemed to be put together, she loved her homework, she loved her friends, she loved school. Yet, each and everyday that she went to school she was taunted daily of her sisters memory. Everyone thought that since Savi was "loose" than Sara must be the same. Because Savi was an alcoholic, so was Sara. Because Savi "put out" well Sara must be the same way.

Then it happened, one day when she came home from school I was in the kitchen. Savi was still gone and we had yet to still hear anything from anyone and I still had yet to call to find out. Sara came home and threw down her backpack on the kitchen floor. Her eyes wide and on fire her breathing erratic, her fist clenched. I remember looking at her wondering how her day went thinking she must of had a really bad day.

"Sara, are you okay, did you have a bad day?" Sara just turned and stormed off to her room slamming her door behind her. I thought right at that moment, "OH HELL NO, I already have one daughter that is a nut case I don't need another."

I stomped my way to her room and flung open her door to find her sitting in the corner of the room crying as tears dropped from her beautiful face. I always told Sara that she reminded me of Snow White. She had that alabaster skin with naturally red lips and jet black hair. Her eyes were big and black with eyelashes that when closed would touch the tips of her cheeks.

Then it came out, "why do people compare me to my slutty sister? Why do people ask me if I'm going to cut myself, they ask me if I want to have sex, boys try to make passes at me and it hurts mom, it just hurts to be compared to such a messed sister but I miss her so much."

I walked over to Sara to give her a hug and comfort her but she just shunned me then standing up she yelled at me. She blamed me that Savi was gone, she blamed me that it was my fault for letting Savi to cut herself, she blamed me for how Savi turned out. She blamed me that they were molested, she just kept blaming me and blaming me. Then finally she just gave in the anger and madness and hugged me.

"I'm sorry mom, I didn't mean to say that." I just took her face in my hands lifting it to see this timeless beauty, "It's okay baby, we are both being challenged right now. I love you"