Thursday, January 5, 2017

Anger & The Soul

Anger...it can and will destroy anything or anyone in our path. It will take the average mind turning it into something far worse than we as everyday average people thought we could ever be. You can choose to not harbor bad thoughts, evil revenge, let alone destroying anything in our path. Are we not supposed to "turn the other cheek" when someone causes us such pain that anger is awaken such as a sleeping tiger.

I know there are plenty that have read this post and maybe have thought, "wow, how can anyone survive such a bleak and dark life?" I too have wondered how I have survived let alone how I have turned out. My mom now tells me, "your such a fighter, you never give up, you never let something take such a control over you that you just lay down and give up."

I guess when our backs are up against the wall we will fight in ways we never knew dwelled inside of our minds and body. It will bring to life something we never knew we had. I, once a welcome mat, for the entire world to take advantage of, to be lied to, to be hurt, now had to get to know this other person that killed the kindness inside of me, slaughtered my caring ways along with my loving heart.

This person now born inside of me became bitter, ruthless, uncaring, cold and calculating and the worst I became so very evil. I learned to be revengeful, I learned how to destroy someone else's life in one single breath and the world they lived in. I flipped my welcome mat up from the cold grey cement tossing it like last weeks garbage and replaced it with a new welcome mat that read, "Welcome to my web said the spider to the fly."


Child Protective Services II

"I refuse to stand before you and my best friend along with my daughters with your sick mind threating me, accusing me of doing something to someone, a human life, my daughter, something I never even knew that a human can ever do to themselves. You can take your sick twisted mind and get out of my house." I yelled at Barbara Ramsey.

I remember her turning to me as if she wanted to attack me, I remember those piercing ugly black eyes and stout body, her pudgy face and ruthless attempt at wanting to control me. The way that she stood in my living room was as if she wanted to challenge me.

"You know, what your doing and what your saying is far worse than what any parent can ever say. How dare you, this is not going to look good for you on my report."

"How dare I?" I giggled my now sinister evil laugh, "how dare you, you come into my home accusing me of doing something to my daughter, my own daughter, when yet she is held up in a mental institution. You would rather believed someone who is on what you call a "51/50" you want to believe that, really?"

Raiza came up grabbing my arm telling me to cool it but at that point I was to far gone. My thoughts and common sense had packed up their luggage and moved on. I had now fallen into this dark bleak hole and now I had no way to get out but fight my way out.

I remember Sara who now stood before me confused on what was going on but yet she had so much to say.

"My mom really had no idea that she was hiding anything. Savi made me promise not to tell and well, so I never did." I remember her telling Mrs. Ramsey that through her uncontrollable sobs her now shaking body and yet failed attempt to protect me.

Barbara Ramsey gathered her things and never checked Savi's room. I had demanded a business card which she did supply me with. Once she was gone I immediately got on the phone and made my call wanting to connect to her supervisor. I had remained on hold for what seemed like forever when finally a woman answered the phone.

I shared how Barbara was using manipulation and scare tactics with my daughter Sara, demanding that my best friend leave, informing me that I was a horrible mother, how rude she was. I wanted this woman reprimanded, I wanted her fired really. As I continued to talk and her supervisor took down notes not really saying to much of anything I just kept unloading my anger. I was informed once my anger had taken a hold of me and just shook the very life out of me that I would have another CPS worker visit me someone more professional.

I then called my dad and told him what happened and what I did. He said he was proud of me for turning her in. I could hear the bitterness in his chosen words. He also took down her name and phone number telling me that this was not over yet. He told me that the fight had just began with Ms. Ramsey. It felt so good to have the support and love from my dad on myside.

Once I had hung up I gathered my things and Raiza and I headed out to see Savi. I told Sara I wouldn't be very long because now it had reached almost the afternoon and Raiza's kids would be home soon. I just wanted to go see how she was and if she needed anything.

Riverside Mental Hospital

Once we had arrived the parking lot was far different then the night I was there. Plenty of cars filled the parking lot. People were coming and going from the hospital unit some crying and some angry. I wondered what I would be doing once I left for the day. Would I be angry or would I be crying in agony or would I be elated to bring my daughter home finally.

As we entered the building I was hit once again with the smell of urine, the lobby was now filled with emptied cookie packages, magazine strewn all over the place. Families were waiting to see their own children. A beaten down television was playing cartoons for visiting families with their kids as their faces were plastered watching the television.

There was a new security guard instructing me to place my personal belongings in the locker then telling me before I enter I must have nothing in possession. Because Raiza and I both were wearing tennis shoes we had to remove our shoes and wear these make shift slippers in plastic bags. We also had to remove all jewelry that we had on. The receptionist gave us both quarter like money to place in the locker then return the keys to her which she locked up with our name and numbers of the lockers.

The security guard pulled us into the back of the room. As we both made our way through the cold sterile hallway in the distance I could hear voices screaming to stop hurting them. My heart just jumped at the shrilling sounds of unfamiliar voices. I was trying to make out if they were kids that are there or adults that are there. Each door that was opened for us the slamming shut made my heart jump as well as myself. I reached over to grab Raiza's arm squeezing it so tightly whispering how scared I was. As we passed one room after another I could see kids and more kids some sitting in wheelchairs and some sitting at tables either coloring or playing with building blocks.

Nurses flooded each of the rooms that we passed appearing to myself to be mad or angry that they worked there. None of them had a smile on their faces but I guess when one works at a mental institution it just doesn't scream "HOT DIGGITY DOG I LOVE MY JOB"

The security guard took us to briefing room instructing us both to sit down. We were both told to fill out papers with our names, addresses and how we are related to the patient which is Savi of course. I had to think fast with Raiza because I was told that it was for "family" only so I told the security guard that Raiza was her aunt my then sister.

I could hear in the distance more voices screaming and yelling, I could hear what I believed to be adults screaming to release their child how they want their child to come home. I could hear sobs coming from either kids or adults. I remember my feet were tingling and becoming numb. My breathing was uncontrollable and then the flooding of tears came down my face. Raiza just reached out telling me to stay calm and try to be strong.

We sat for what seemed to be forever when suddenly the sounds of the door opened. It was a man with salt and pepper hair and glasses balancing off the tip of his nose. He was short in size yet he had a smile on his face. He introduced himself as Dr. Gary Burger.

"I have been watching over your daughter since her arrival. I am very concerned with her cutting and why she is cutting. Legally we can only keep her here for seventy two hours, a three day hold. After that she needs to be released to either the parents or she is admitted into the system of child protective services then becoming part of the legal system."

All I could think of was how did I get to this place? How did my vehicle of life take such a sharp turn that seemed to have thrown me from my vehicle tossing me down some jagged mountain side. I remember inhaling and exhaling short uncontrolled breaths, I felt as my lungs were ready to collapse. My legs shaking under the table loudly enough to have the doctor hear me.

"H-H-How is my daughter, is she okay, is she safe, what's going on with her and why is she here and when can I bring her home?"

Raiza just sat there the entire time not saying a word just giving me the moral support I so desperately needed.

The doctor opened Savi's file looking at the papers then me then back at the papers. He pulled the now almost falling glasses from his face tossing them to the table then leaning back in his chair clasping his hands together. He gave me such a puzzled look on his face.

"You do know why your daughter is here right, I mean she tried to kill herself you are aware of that right?"

I just lowered my head in shame I was so embarrassed at his questioning. I looked up and murmured in a soft voice telling him that I knew why she was here I just couldn't bring myself to believe let alone wanting to accept it was the farthest thing from my mind.

"Well we had to medicate your daughter and tend to the open wounds of her cutting. Some were becoming infected so we gave her a shot for the infection and sleeping pills to help her sleep. At first she was not willing to cooperate so we had no choice but to put her on a 24/7 watch while she is here."

The doctor continued telling me that she became unruly and not willing to let a nurse take care of her. She was out of control and yelling how much she wanted to die and then he lowered the boom telling me that I told her I wanted her dead, that I wanted her to end her life because she was just to much of a problem. All I could do at that point was just sit there I didn't know what to say or how to react.

For some reason I just began laughing, but it wasn't a laugh that said how funny something was, no, it was a laugh of disbelief. It was a laugh that said I was about to go nuts myself.

"Once we told your daughter Savi that she would be released to your custody she told us if she went home with you she would attempt to kill herself once again. I am sorry to be the one to tell you this but she still does not want to see you and because of her statement and the time frame allowed here, she will be transferred to another facility in Los Angeles."