Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Ruthless

There are people out in the every day world that take such pleasure in being ruthless. Would one label a criminal a ruthless person? What constitutes a "Ruthless" person? How does one go from an everyday loving person to a now ruthless person?

The definition of a ruthless person:
"Having or showing no compassion or pity for others"

Does a mother who struggles with a out of control child become a ruthless person by choice or does that parent get pushed to such a limit the brain can no longer contain any logical thinking? We have all heard of many people that have become so angered, so mystified by life and what others are capable of doing or creating we develop what is called "Black Anger" black anger is when we black out any common reality or thoughts as a human.

Yes, she is RUTHLESS!

Within mere seconds of Savi spewing out such hateful words to such a decent person I was just flabbergasted that someone can be that cold, that deceitful, that uncaring. I was certain that she had met someone that she can connect to, she can relate to. Dio and Savi had spent so much time together and I was beginning to see a change in Savi that brought music to my mind and my vision.

There was laughter coming from her, there was hope coming from her and I was beginning to see a side of Savi I had never experienced as a mother. Of course my thinking was "hell, if someone else can bring my daughter laughter and joy, so be it"  

To take someone's heart, spirit, as well as conviction of unconditional love, should I be surprised by that? I mean she took me down to places so dark and so cold that I too wondered if she was in fact human or had any human capacity of feeling love for anyone. My mind continued to take me back to when she was a baby and I constantly examined her body thinking that there had to be the sign "666" somewhere on her which always made me wonder just what was really wrong with her.

I of course was so upset that Savi could be that uncaring and that unloving but I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. But yet again, Savi never seemed to stop surprising me.

Weeks turn into months

Savi's pregnancy was coming along beautifully, she was gaining the right weight, she had finally stopped vomiting and now was eating regularly. I was now the chosen one to take her to her doctors appointments and soon the topic came up from the OBGYN about her decision on keeping the baby or not. I had began to tell Savi that she can keep the baby and I would do all I could to help her my mom of course had different ideas, she wanted her to put the baby up for adoption she didn't want Savi to have a child that she possibly would end up abandoning leaving me to raise it due to her unstable mental capacity as well as her drinking and drug use.

I of course tried to per sway my mom by telling her it would force her to grow up it would create a bond for her that I believe she so desperately needed because no matter how much I loved her or how much my parents loved her it just never seemed to be right for Savi.

Then it happened, Savi came home from being out with her less then likeable friends and she informed me that she wanted to give her baby up for adoption. She had made the most personal and most painful decision of her life. I could tell that was not what she really wanted, I could tell that it pained her a great deal to say such a painful sentence but I promised her I would support her in whatever she wanted to do. So, I asked her how she wanted to handle this, I asked her if she wanted to toss her name in the ring at the state adoption society where couples that were childless could go and search out pregnant teens.

Savi agreed and that is just what we did. As we drove down to the agency not a word was uttered between us. What I really wanted to do was shake her and scream at her that she was making the worst mistake in her life, how selfish can she be, was hanging out with the worst losers in life, getting stoned, drunk, and sleeping with the entire world her only mission in life?

I was struggling personally inside and the outside of my body. I didn't want Savi to suffer the wrath of what a mother feels like when handing her baby over to a perfect stranger to raise and love telling the world it is "their baby" as well as the constant wondering from the child itself  asking why the birth mother just walked away. Was I trying to fill in the pain from my own life or was I actually trying to save Savi from the so many unanswered questions that she was about to face as well as her baby for both of their lives?

I wanted to scream out the confusion I had felt my entire life wondering how someone can carry me and then just give birth and walk away from me. I wanted to shout out to her the constant wondering if I ever ran into my birth mother would I forgive her or hate her? Of course adoptions in the sixties versus the adoptions in the year 2007 were much different. There are now open adoptions where you can have the court order the birth mother to actually be a part of the child's life. See pictures, see the growth of her baby but I was a stickler on that thinking that it would end up being torture to the heart of Savi.

Once we had arrived the agitated Savi came alive. Her spiteful mouth, her horrible attitude towards the kind lady trying to help us, made me so angry. I was trying to be supportive but Savi was not going to go down without a fight. I knew she was confused mixed with anger, self pity, resentment, and without thinking she wanted to punish anyone and everyone in her path. It was as if she was a tornado that took out an entire town leaving nothing but destruction and death behind. I had bite my tongue so much and I was constant being challenged by her, challenged if I loved her, challenged by her anger, after a while I was beginning to feel like the bull that had been stabbed countless times by the Matador seeping blood from every stab every wound.

The kind lady kept reassuring Savi that they would be discrete, professional and then asked if we would like to see the books of parents registered through the agency. I told Savi it wouldn't hurt just to see who was in the books and together with a full box of tissues, we sat down and began to thumb through the countless childless couples desperately seeking to have a child.

Each page gave a picture of both the husband and wife along with a solid description of both the husband and wife. Their medical conditions, financial wealth, where they lived, how long they had lived there, their other family members such as parents, brothers, sisters, etc. It also described what they do for work and any future plans. After going through a few pages Savi just began to cry uncontrollably then leaning into me sobbing and in between sobs she began to confess her horrible decisions.

"Why did I get pregnant, why did I let Dio go, why am I here, what have I done, I will never see my baby ever again will I?"

I had to tell her, I had to share something so painful for myself and I had to put my pain aside to help her.

"Savi, look at me, look at who my parents are, if it wasn't for them who knows where I would be, it is because of Nana and Grampy I had the life I had. My birth mother loved me so much at least, that is what I need to believe. She loved me enough to give me life a fighting chance. But let me ask you this.." Savi stopped crying and looked at me...

"Can you provide a life such as I had for your baby, can you stop the cutting, the drinking, the drugs, can you be a full time single mother that will provide unselfishly for your baby?"

Savi stopped crying then wiping the snot from her nose and tears from her cheeks and face looking at me and then uttered..."No, I can't"

I kept the tone of my voice soft, I kept it heartfelt, I kept it in a nonconforming way, I remained gentle and loving while rubbing her back and brushing her hair from her face now mixed with sweat...

"Then you need to do what's right for this baby, give this baby a fighting chance, we will find the right couple for you." I never once told her that I loved her or was proud of her for some reason. I don't know why I just never did. I guess because I was trained by Savi to always be on my guard, always have my fist up ready for the sucker punches or blows from Savi.

I got up and walked over to a book of yet other couples and that was when I found this couple. The wife a principal at a high school and the husband an IT Tech at a local company. They were both in their early thirties and had four failed adoptions. They failed because all four mothers once they gave birth and saw their baby for the first time then quickly changed their minds pulling the plug on the adoptions.

Her name was Cassandra and his name was Phillip. Both of them had undergone five years of multiple attempts of her getting pregnant medically but due to her weight it just was not going to work. They had been trying to adopt for another five years and here they were again trying one more time.  The lady at the adoption office really didn't have that much information other than what was given on the bio of them both.

There was something about them that just stuck with me, they seemed like a kind couple, they appeared to have great careers and my heart just went out for them. But this of course was not my decision but I was certainly going to try to persuade Savi to at least meet them.

And she agreed.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Do Promises Need to be Kept?

Just what is a promise and has everyone ever lived up to their promises that comes from their very mouth? Can promises be broken and still not suffer the wrath of what may fall? I for one have had to break a few promises due to circumstances and yes I too have suffered the wrath of what has fallen. I have suffered the guilt of my broken promises many times over.

I have tried redemption for my broken promises desperately seeking forgiveness but once a promise is broken to a loved one or a dear friend can we ever trust them ever again? Is it true that there are different levels of promises that if broken we need not seek redemption or forgiveness?

Is forgiveness easily given to the ones we uttered our solemn promises to?


The Promise 

Growing up in the era I did, Catholics were taught that birth control was a sin. Just about every religion sees bringing a child into the world is a gift from God. It is a blessing that is bestowed upon us by the very hands of our lord, God.

Dio had to somehow get his parents to see his vision of how much he loved Savi and why he was tending to a pregnant girl that is in fact unmarried. Dio's parents as I shared, were devote Catholics which I never had the privilege to ever meet. Dio shared with me the kindness of his family, the love that is shared from both the kids and his family lending their time to the food bank each and every weekend or serving food at their church to the less fortunate. Yes, Dio's family was very involved with the community and they were known by many for being kind generous souls.

Dio was going to make sure that the promises he made to Savi was going to be kept at any cost. He was so in love with her and every waking minute he could he was at our house.

Dio never went into specifics of how they accepted Savi and most of all they were very concerned with his studies falling behind yet in fact he was struggling in a suffocating way but somehow he managed to keep up with his homework, Savi, all the doctors appointments and still making time to spend with Savi. I do know that Dio was most eager to have Savi keep the baby and raise it as his very own as if the child would be his.

He always shared the vision of what it would be like to be married to Savi and starting a family. Yes, Dio as a true vision of love at heart. But deep in the shadows Savi was still uneasy about having a baby as well as being married. She and I had been on talking terms which was more than I ever expected and I had confronted her in a gentle like way to find out her thinking and if in fact she was going to keep the baby. Savi of course never really gave me an answer.

Savi was well into her six month of pregnancy and she was still continuing to get sick from certain smells. I remember one afternoon she was craving fruit. I went to the store with her to have her gather what she wanted and she found a platter of all ready cut up fruit of watermelon, cantaloupe, and other mixed fruit. She sat and just ate that entire platter in one sitting. I warned her of reaching a certain peak and possibly getting sick but she just continued to eat, and eat, and eat, until that platter was gone.

I had to run errands and she actually wanted to go with me. I was driving to the Walmart Supercenter when suddenly she began to not feel well. I pulled into the parking lot of Walmart when suddenly she just began to puke like Old Faithful. It just wouldn't stop. A man came up asking if we needed help and I whispered to him, "she's pregnant and not feeling well" the strange man giggled and told me that he too went through something similar with his wife and quickly left. I of course was being sympathetic and rubbing her back reassuring her she was okay and it would be alright and when she was finally done there on the ground was this massive pile of regurgitated fruit platter.

Once she was done I have to admit that I was so embarrassed that I actually moved the car to a different parking stall. Once we were home we were met by Dio and he was clearly upset about something. He sat at the table asking to speak to me personally which irritated Savi to no end. She wanted to be involved in the conversation and he promised he would share it with her once he was done talking to me.

When Savi left the living room heading to her room then closing her door behind her Dio looked at me with tears in his eyes. Because of the baby bump that continued to grow and with Dio's grades now beginning to slip, his family was putting the pressure on him to break it off with her. They told him that if he continued to see her and help her with her pregnancy he would end up paying for college. If he stopped they would continue to pay for his college.

With the now broken promises and the ultimatum given to Dio by his family can he forgive them and see why they are so concerned for their son spending time with an unwed soon to be mother?  I remember sitting there and within seconds I was put in the most uncompromising position ever. He wanted me to make the decision for him and that was something I was not going to do. Dio did have a very promising career as a Pharmacist and he was well on his way. How can he expect me to give him an answer on what to do or did he just want to blow off steam and have someone listen to him?

This conversation reminded me of not one person listening to me when I was going through all that crap with Savi and her cutting and drinking. So, I just sat and listened to him. He just flipped flopped from crying to anger then back to crying and anger over and over. I remember taking his hand and telling him to just breath...take a deep breath, you see I already knew that Savi was not as dedicated to this relationship as much as Dio was.

Savi never spoke of Dio in a loving compassionate way. She never shared how she loved him and wanted to be with him. Dio was always the one that openly shared his love for Savi, he was the one always reaching for her to hug her and hold her. Savi never made any attempts of reaching out for Dio repeatedly telling him that she loved him ever. I began to wonder if she even did love Dio or if she was just using him because he was so convenient.

Was Savi using Dio to take her to the doctors in replace of me taking her, was she not sharing her love for him because in fact she did not love him? I knew of her playing both ends when Dio wasn't around telling different guys how cute they were, talking to many other guys as a matter of fact. Her loyalty should of been with Dio, but loyalty was something that never flowed through the blood veins of Savi.

I have always had a rule with myself and my daughters...yes its harsh, yes its a bold statement but it is something that I have lived with my whole entire life....

"You want to go out and fuck the world, that's your business, but when you find someone that wants to love you and you want to love them back, then you stay loyal to that person and ONLY that person no matter how hard it gets, you remain loyal until you either want out or you want a divorce.

I knew what I had to do, it was something I didn't want to do and I was playing with fire I was either going to make the fire bigger by my own fault or I was going to put the fire out. I told Dio to wait at the table I was going to go talk to Savi.

I still remember the conversation with her....

"Hey, got a minute Savi?" Savi immediately sat up on her bed demanding to know what was going on. I could hear the panic in her voice wondering what Dio was talking to me about.

I leaned on the edge of her dresser and then it all came out....

"Do you know how to love someone, I mean a deep down feeling of loving someone to the point that you didn't want to live without them, you wanted to be with them all the time not just out of convenience but because you miss them when they are gone and you count the minutes until you see them again."

I still remember the look on her face the rolling of her eyes, she was looking at me as if I was speaking a foreign language to her. I could tell that she grew instantly uncomfortable and didn't want to have this conversation with me. That was when I knew she wasn't feeling the same feelings as Dio was with her. I remember Savi got up to leave but I stopped her and forcefully sat her down on her bed.

I was just shocked and astounded at her reaction, "you don't love Dio do you, you aren't even in the same vicinity or even in the same block of loving him as he is with you are you?" I could feel the heat of the fire I had now started between us, I could feel the burning anger of Savi's eyes penetrating me all the way through my body. She yelled that it was none of my business and that again made me lose my shit.

"Are you kidding me, your kidding me right? Oh my God Savi, you have a man that has gone against the grain of his family a family that is so tight, and he is willing to give all that up for you, they have given him the worst ultimatum of his life, either he stops seeing you and they continue to pay for his college or, if he continues to see you, he must pay for his own college."

Not a blink, not a thought crossed her mind. Nothing, she was colder then a block of ice. Nope, she just sat there with a blank look on her face. I remember she just shrugged her shoulders then suddenly she asked me, "what do you want me to do about it?"

"Wow Savi, you really have no heart do you, wait, do you even know how to love someone, do you even know what love is, please, tell me you do?" My mind was just spinning, there she was just sitting there without a care in the world...

"Well, little girl, my uncaring, confused, selfish girl, you have a guy out there that loves you more then life its self and he is willing to give up everything for you, so if you don't love him then you better tell him its over and send him on his way so he can have a chance at finding real love because the way I see it, your just using him out of convenience so you don't need to spend time with me."

The look on her face just said it all..."BINGO!" I hit a nerve, it's not about being right, it's about doing the right thing. Savi got so pissed she just so angry at me that was when I finally told her...

"Wait, your not pissed at me, your pissed you got caught. How long do you think this was going to actually play out, how long were you going to drag this amazing guy through the dirt?"

Savi stormed out of her room because she couldn't take it anymore, I had to push her to the limits so that she could see just what she was doing was wrong. She stomped over to Dio who was sitting still at the dining table clearly crying his eyes out.

"It's over Dio, I never loved you, you were just convenient to me, hit the road and don't come back."


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Vision

Do our eyes deceive us often? Do we see life through our own eyes by the way we are brought up by our parents? Do our parents train us to view life in such a way that no matter how we see something we are trained to see it in a different way due to our parents own vision?

For example; when our parents go outside to collect the trash cans or bring in the groceries they look up to the sky and see a mixture of grey, black, and white clouds then come in and say that it is going to rain soon versus us going outside and seeing just a mixture of clouds? Are we to believe that it is going to rain soon because our parents say so?

The vision I had for myself growing up was completely different then what my parents vision had for myself. As I shared earlier I never wanted to have kids or ever be married. My time was my time and I didn't care how selfish I was going to be I wanted to just be that free person with no ties or worries about ever having to answer to some man questioning me on where I was, who I was with, why I was home late, why there isn't any milk in the fridge to go with his dinner, why there was no dinner on the table along with asking me why his white work shirts were not washed, dried, and pressed for work the next day.

Then when I got pregnant with Savi my vision and my mission in life changed. I saw myself as a wife in a house with a white picket fence, a golden retriever, one boy, one girl, along with a minivan in the garage and a husband that every girls swoons over often asking me how I bagged such a hottie husband.

Do our eyes deceive us from what we wish for and what is reality?

Savi's new friends

After I blew up and just lost my shit, Savi was now the one walking on egg shells. Her pregnancy was getting the best of her and she was constantly sick. I had made several attempts at trying to talk to her about it to come up with a plan on either keeping the unborn child or putting it up for adoption. Abortion was not the answer for me nor was it for Savi. Yet with every attempt I made to talking to her about it she just shot me down. I wanted to believe it was from embarrassment but honestly, I didn't think she had a care in her bones about the unborn child.

For the most part all she did was lay in bed and continue to puke up her guts. After the few weeks that she was home she finally told me that she had made some new friends which I never knew how, I was watching her pretty closely and I wondered how she did make new friends but she was trying to get along with me and I didn't want to rock the boat.

She had met a guy named Dio a guy that was so sweet, so kind, he was driven for success only because he was driven by his parents. Dio and his parents were devote Catholics attending services on Wednesday nights, Saturday nights, and Sunday mornings. Dio was this guy that was adorable to look at and Savi adored being with him. Dio had no idea that she was pregnant. I had great respect for Dio he was attending Fullerton College majoring in Pharmaceutical Medicine hoping after nine years of education he would be a pharmacist. He worked at Starbucks paying for his own way through college. For so long I thought he was just too good for Savi but then after thinking about it maybe, just maybe, this is what she desperately needed, a great guy!

I continued to urge Savi to telling Dio of her pregnancy but she feared losing him and rightly so. I mean what man would want to be deceived in such a horrible way? Each time Savi spent time with him and he dropped her off I asked her if she told him and each time it was the same answer, "NO" my heart was beginning to break because she was leading Dio to believe they had a future.

I had managed to get her on state health care, find a prenatal doctor and take her to all her appointments. My parents stepped in telling me that they would pay for my rent and bills as long as I was caring for Savi. After the losing streak of jobs from chasing her all around I couldn't land a job due to my work history for the past two years. Every job interview I had gone to I was always asked the same question...

"Why were at your last job for only a month?"

How do you tell a possible employer that your daughter was suicidal and into cutting herself so badly that death was knocking on her door?  I would get countless calls from the local police department to come to the hospital due to her being a minor. One time they called and I decided to stay at work and continue to work because I loved my new job I was making good money and when I finally left work and met Savi at the hospital I was hit with a possible negligence action.

How to support your other two daughters when you cant seem to keep a job because your oldest daughter was or is a friggen loon? I couldn't support them. I had to rely on someone for help and when my parents stepped up and told me they would pay the space rent in the mobile home and the bills that went with it, I was able to breath just a little bit finally.

One night when Dio dropped off Savi I had enough of her torturous ways of not informing him that she was pregnant. As Dio was making his way to the front door I stopped him and decided to take matters into my own hands.

"Savi, did you tell Dio, have you told him yet?" Dio stopped dead in his track looking at me very confused then looking at Savi wondering just what I meant. Savi just began to shake in fear, I could see the panic in her eyes as tears began to well up. She quickly began shouting at me to stop that it was none of my business but I quickly informed her that what goes on this house and while she was living in my house it was my business.

"Tell me what Savi, do you have something to tell me?" said Dio. Savi just took to the corner walls and began to cry.

"Savi," I began, "he has a right to know, I mean its only a matter of time before he finds out and its better that he finds out this way then you just not saying anything. Dio is a great guy Savi and your lucky to find such an amazing guy, either you tell him right now or I will."

Dio just stood there, I remember the look on his face, the confusion, the wondering what the hell I walk talking about. I could tell that Dio loved Savi very much and he was good for her. He had her on the straight and narrow and she was improving a great deal. That is why I demanded that she tell him. I didn't want a repeat of her telling him he was the dad when in fact he wasn't.

Savi just still continued to cry begging me to stop but for some reason I felt it was my place to tell him. Finally I just mustered up the gumption to tell him and then it just came spewing out.

"Dio, Savi is pregnant and its not yours, she is almost four months pregnant and she's not sure what she is going to do with the baby."   

I have never seen a guy lose so much color in his face as quick as Dio did. I could feel the punch in the gut I just gave him and it shattered my heart. He didn't need to learn it the way I told him but Savi was not close to ever telling him and he would of been crushed to finally see a baby bump growing and she never telling him. Dio just stood there unsure of what to say, unsure of what to do. He couldn't even look at Savi, he just thanked me for telling him and said he needed some time and with that being said he just opened the front door, climbed into his car and sped off.

Savi of course began yelling and screaming at me that I never should of done that how she now lost the greatest guy she ever met and she would never forgive me. I of course yelled back to just add it to the other list she has kept about hating me.

Seven days went buy and suddenly out of nowhere Dio came knocking on the door. I was surprised to see him I didn't think I would ever see him ever again. He asked if Savi was home and I told him she was in her room sleeping. He stormed over to her bedroom door demanding that she wake up and meet him at the dinning table. Dio walked over sat down and never said a word to me he just waited for Savi to come into the room.

Once she was there he ordered for her to sit down. He confessed his love for her, told her how much he loved her and he didn't care if the baby wasn't his, he loved her and he wanted to be with her. He told her he would help her through the pregnancy and be there with her for all her doctors appointments and support her with what she wanted to do.

I was shocked I could tell that Savi was shocked and when she stood up she ran to hug Dio just crying in his arms. I knew right then and there she had one great guy. Dio loved Savi for Savi for who she was. He could see her for her, he could see past her scars, her anger, her bitterness, he could see the lovely beauty that she really was.


But does she ruin it?


Saturday, January 28, 2017

Want to Run Away?


 I am sure in everyone's life at some point we all just want to run away. We want to escape to a place where life was easy. It is much like the ticket man standing on the steps of the train yelling "ALL ON BOARD, HEADING TO LAND OF THE FREE" we don't need our luggage because everything will be provided for us. We will have food, clothing, and oh yeah, no kids allowed.

I mean who doesn't want to run away at some point in their lives? I know I did I wanted to just give up on being a mom, I was just exhausted when Savi was home. I felt deflated like the tire on your car.

And HER plane lands 

When my brother called and told me that he was shipping Savi back home, I could tell by the bitterness in his voice that he was beyond pissed. He was beyond hope for her. My brother is the one person that can take someone with their feet planted firmly on the ground denying they will do anything for him and yet somehow someway, they end up doing exactly what my brother wants. I called it manipulation my brother called it the power of suggestion. I remember very clearly that I told him I didn't want her back here. I was done with everything I no longer wanted my very own child back in my life. I was done with her and her crazy mixed up life.

So many people had tried to help her and still she would stomp on the hearts of plenty, break all the rules and still so many told me that it was a cry for help, but help was the one thing that not even the greatest of doctors could provide for her. While she was living with Rick he pulled her off of her medications of anti-depressant which of course had horrible effects on her. Anyone taking anti-depressants cannot just quit cold turkey.

My brother told me the flight number and what time she would land. My nightmare had come true, she was in fact coming home. But he went beyond telling me her arrival for me to gather my child. While living in with my brother she manage to singlehandedly sleep with a boy that just pissed my brother off enough to send her packing back to me. This boy came from a great family, had ambition, had goals and my brother was more like his mentor. His name was Jeffrey and his dad was a well known doctor and mother a school teacher within that small town. He had colleges lined up to pick from and Jeffrey was well on his way to success.

The problem was Savi was sleeping around with so many men and boys that she ended up pregnant and yet she didn't know who the father was so she decided to find the best family with the best home, money in the bank and good boy to fall back on. My brother found a pregnancy test in his trash can which read positive and immediately he went into a downward spiral of spewing anger. From the conversation I had with my brother he wasn't yelling, "Hot Diggity Dog, she's going to have a baby."

So because this good old boy believed in doing the right thing, he had planned on dropping out of college, he told his parents that Savi was pregnant and he would be working full time to provide a home for his new baby that was coming and for Savi as well. The problem with Savi's plan was when she went in for her first ultrasound she told Jeffrey that she was only six weeks pregnant, yet the ultrasound said something else. It read that she was almost three months pregnant.

Imagine telling someone that the baby your carrying from who knows who and telling some guy that it's his when in fact you don't even know who's it is just to get something out of it. That was my brother's last straw. He wanted Savi gone for good.

The Plane Lands

My heart was filled with disgust for even having a daughter that would lay having a baby on some guy when she wasn't even sure who the father was. Savi of course had no idea I had read her emails only because of her horrible tricks and antics my brother promised to protect me. He actually put the blame on him which stunned me that he would do anything so kind for me. His last words to me when he was spewing every single cuss word invented was he had no idea how I have survived having such a horrible child. That was when I told him, "Welcome to my one way world, Savi's world, she was going to tear down and break any person that got in her way of doing what she wanted and she didn't care who she hurt and what lie was told."

Now I had to break the news once again to Sara that her sister was coming home because of her horrible tricks and antics played on my brother her uncle, and to some guy telling him he was the father when in fact he wasn't. Sara of course didn't know how to react. Things were going great while Savi was gone. The house was peaceful, I could hear the laughter of kids playing outside, Sara was back on a good sleeping pattern and she quickly caught up to the so much missed homework. She had developed a great friendship with Tiffany and soon they were inseparable. They did everything together. Now it would all come crashing down once again. My heart went out to Sara she was happy that her sister was gone. Now she had to relive once again the horrible nightmares her sister so easily and not a care in the world provided to this family.

I loaded up the girls Sara and Sela and headed to the airport. I kept thinking over and over the rules I would set for Savi, I wad going to remain strong, I was going to lay it on thick. She was not going to railroad me once again and start calling the shots. I just kept telling myself that over and over while driving to the airport. Once I had arrived I found Savi outside waiting for me. I remember I could feel my skin crawl at the very sight of her and my head just becoming so weak. My thoughts of how things were going to go suddenly became disheveled and seemed confusing for me. Right then and there I knew she had become my kryptonite just the sight of her made me weak.

Savi climbed into the car and pulled her jacket over her face not willing to say hello to anyone. She never smiled or uttered a single word to me or Sara or even saying hello to Sela. I couldn't believe that she was playing the role of being pissed. It just made me chuckle inside that she was pissed!

Pulling into the driveway Savi climbed out before I could even put the car in park and turn off the engine. She went inside and once inside I could hear her bedroom door slamming shut so hard it rattled all the windows. That is when I just lost my shit. I told Sara to take herself along with Sela and go to Raiza's house and just wait there for me. I finally had enough ammunition on her to stop the phone calls to CPS, stop the cops, stop the court dates, just to stop everything. Savi was tearing this family apart and I was not going to stand for it.

I stormed into the house jaunting to her bedroom and threw the door open. There she was laying on her bed crying like a baby. I didn't care, she had ruined everything and everyone that she touched or came close to touching.

"Oh poor misunderstood baby, poor pregnant baby." Savi immediately turned to her other side sitting up shocked that I knew of her pregnancy. The look on her face was just crazy.

"What, you thought I wouldn't know, and to think you wanted to trap a good kid, a kid that had a future, a kid that was going places and doing good things with his life, a kid that had a good family, and you Savi, you had planned on trapping him into a pregnancy that wasn't even his. Who does that Savi, who traps some guy into thinking it was his baby?"

I was so angry that I had spit dangling from my chin I could feel my head get hot, I could feel my blood rushing through my body and my heart beating out of my chest. I didn't care any longer what I said to her, I didn't care if I hurt her, I didn't care what the final effect was to her. Savi got up and grabbed the phone screaming at me that she was going to call CPS and report my abuse.

"Go ahead, call CPS, I dare you to, because if and when you do, honey I have ammunition on you now to bring you to your knees. What, you thought your uncle wasn't going to tell me what you were doing over there, let's see, want me to recite your daily antics, how you planned on telling a young boy that the baby was his when it fact it wasn't, or how about the emails I got telling men you will screw them for money. Imagine, a mother finding those emails and learning her daughter is a prostitute. So go ahead call them, because I have copies of everything you did, I have photos, witnesses, the arrest, the drugs, the drinking. So, you want to bring me to my knees, think twice bitch."

Savi just continued to cry on her bed and I told her I was immune to her tears, they meant nothing to me. My heart no longer broke or hurt any longer. Savi wanted to teach me to hate her, well, I had become valedictorian of her class, I had officially hated her now.

"So, this is how its going to play out, you no longer call the shots in this house, you will go back on your meds, you will not be out past seven at night, you will report to me where you go, who your with and if I disapprove, you will not be with those people. You will get a job and I don't care how sick you are from being pregnant, you will work. You don't follow the rules that I have now set I will kick your ass to the curb and right now the way it looks, no one wants you. So, you want a roof over your head, food in your stomach, you do what I say." And with that, I slammed her door shut and walked off.

I felt celebrated, I took back my power and she was not going to take it any longer.   


Thursday, January 26, 2017

Your mom's famous last words.....

We all have either that mom or step mother or motherly figure that will overflow our brains with their famous "last words" my mom of course had buckets full of them but one of them will stick with me until the day I die. I still use her saying and have been for many years now and will continue to use it through out my life....

"There is always one bitch or asshole where you work or live that feel they can do a better job then you. Ultimately, they will ruin your day."

There is always going to be that one person that feels they are better then you, they can break your spirit, they can bring you to your very knees with the end result of feeling you are and will always be the most incompetent person the planet. It is that very person that we secretly wish something horrible would happen to them to either put them in their place, shut them up, and no matter the valiant efforts we try to bring them to their knees, for some reason we just cannot break them....or can we?

We all know "Karma" and when the person that is hurting you the most, taking something so personal from you, we often utter beneath our breath, "not to worry, Karma will get you in the very end" we never know when Karma will strike, it will be the Cobra in the basket the music will play but only that Cobra knows when to strike and it will. It will slither it's way out of the basket when we least expect it and it will strike down the one person that you thought you could trust, you thought had your back ultimately bringing that person that has caused you so much pain, to their very knees.

For me, it was my brother. No matter how many times I tried to be a better person, how many times I tried to be a good mother, no matter how many times I tried to prove something to him he was there with the sword of life ready to take a stab at my failures over and over.

He had no qualms sharing how much of a horrible mother I was, how I deserved what I got from Savi, how I didn't know how to be a mother, that if I had half a brain I would understand how to mother a troubled child. This of course is from someone that has never had kids, he never married, and I have questioned his lifestyle due to the countless men he hung out with. I have often wondered how someone can stand back and give parenting advice when they have yet to be a parent? Anyone can give parenting advice but until they have actually had a child let alone a troubled child, they better keep their thoughts to themselves.


Let me prove I can do a better job then you!

Once Savi was home after being dropped off during the middle of the night, things just seemed to pick up where they left off. She continued to cut herself, she began writing poetry on her bedroom walls in permanent marker, she stopped eating, and she continued to stay out past her curfew. I wrote how I would change the rules, I said that things would be different, but through weakness and trying to be strong Savi was just my kryptonite. She knew how to suck the very life out of me. I was once again chasing her all over the mobile home park and yes even dragging her home kicking and screaming with her chanting how I was abusing her.

Once again my home was a rotating door with CPS workers who failed to once again listen to me. They just continued to take her side no matter the pleas I did, how I begged for help, they had the talent and knack to bring me to my very knees. My mom and dad were sick and tired of hearing her failures and then one day, my brother called me.

My brother who feels he can walk on water, float on clouds, part the Red Sea, told me how having Savi move to Maine to be with him would do Savi some good because he would never let her get away with the crap that she was giving to me ten fold. I told my brother if he feels he can do a better job then me, so be it. He can have her.

I remember my mom telling me to let her go, let him continue thinking he can do this. Let him fail, he will learn how bad of a person she can be. So, he called Savi later that same day and talked her into going to Maine, finishing high school finally, and hopefully paving a way a new life.

Within three days I had her packed and loaded in the car heading to the airport. Once we arrived she jumped out of the car grabbed her luggage and told me I didn't need to help her check in. She turned her back to me and just walked off. I just stood outside of the underground parking lot looking at Sara wondering why I couldn't just at least say good bye. Then Sara said it all...

'What did you ever do to her to make her hate you so much, all you did was love her, you tried to help her, and she does this to not only you but me."

I felt empty and drained once again, here we go again, we had to adjust once again to her being gone but this time she was not going to come back. I told Sara if Don can do a better job then me, so be it. I called my brother telling him that she was getting on her plane and heading to him. She had two layovers and she would finally make her way to Portland, Maine by 10:00 pm.

The First Week in Maine

Don lived up to his word. He got her registered for school, her state assistance health care, found a mental doctor for her and made appointments well into the month of August. Savi was now turning sixteen and I have to admit, into a beautiful woman. Her long locks of brown and gold hair that every woman wanted, her tiny framed body, her bold big emerald green eyes, and a smile that would melt even the biggest iceberg.

Don often checked in with me either weekly or bi-weekly of her success and I began thinking that living with Don was possibly the best thing for her. She was quickly making friends at school and was even invited to the near by school dance by one of the local boys. It was a school she had not attended but he took such a fancy to her and he himself was warned of her behavior from my brother but Savi seemed to be improving and he wanted to give Savi the benefit of the doubt.

Once Savi arrived at the school dance from my brother she met the local boy at the front door and she turned to wave good bye and headed in. Once inside her evil temptress ways sprung alive. She found some unruly guys that were the bad bunch of the town and snuck outside with them to smoke some pot and drink the hard liquor they had smuggled into the dance.

The young boy that she went to the dance with gave up on her as he watched her walk away. He called Don telling him that Savi left the dance. When Savi and the unruly boys made the attempt to go back into the dance the security guard stopped them, called the police due to the heavy smell of pot and alcohol and an arrest was made and yes, Savi was arrested.

After that things with Savi and my brother just went down hill. That was when Karma came into my brothers life. My mom called me telling me that only after a month Don was fed up with Savi already and wanted to ship her home. She was ditching school, sleeping around, and she continued to smoke pot and get drunk. She even snuck into my brothers room picking the lock of his hard liquor and drinking it dry. From my brothers count, Savi had slept with already sixteen men in less than a month.

Failed Email

Yahoo was my email of choice back in the days when Savi was living with Don. I often checked it and that morning was one morning that I think God wanted to get my attention. I logged onto my email and for some reason I still do not know how this happened, it opened up Savi's email. I stared at it confused to who's email this was and after looking over it for several minutes it dawned on me I had Savi's email along with all her current and past emails for the past month.

As I began reading her emails only because of the headings from the emails, this was when I finally accepted, the Lion in Savi would never be tamed.

"Young lonely girl who just moved here looking for free sex"

Savi went from having free sex to now charging for sex. Some of the responses were from men giving her $650.00 to $325.00 for sexual acts. My heart just broke it actually shattered. She was self destructing her own life. She had become a bomb and she was ready to blow.

I remember calling my brother and sharing the emails I found and how somehow I got her emails and quickly he told me to send them to him and to mom and dad. My mom just sat and cried on the phone with me while my dad in the back ground roared his angry head at my own daughters behavior. I was at a loss, I didn't know what to do. Finally my brother told me something I thought he would never utter those words to me ever....

"I don't know how you do this, I don't know how you fought for her for so many years" my brother waved his white flag and told me he was sending her home that he no longer wanted her in Maine. He told me no matter where he went people began talking about him in a negative way. People began to point and whisper when walked into the local grocery store. He told me his phone never stopped ringing because Savi was always in trouble. He stopped sleeping at night because he too was checking to see if she was there. He even put an alarm on all the windows and doors so if she tried to get out an alarm would sound but she learned to how shut the alarm off.

I of course quickly told my brother I didn't want her back but he said to late, she's on the plane and headed home to you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Does a leopard ever change its spots?

Okay, I have to admit, I enjoyed the peace and quiet. I enjoyed waking up and only getting Sara and Sela ready. The mamma drama was gone. I was back to restful nights I was back to eating dinner at the dinner table, I was back to enjoying my coffee with Raiza sitting around and talking about all the drama that was caused by Savi. It was practically therapeutic to discuss my feelings with her because no one else wanted to hear my side, so hell, why not?

Sara was still adjusting to her sister being gone but now she was running around with Tiffany Raiza's daughter. They had become thick as thieves and I felt blessed that she had made a friend with my best friends daughter. We did everything together. With her husband as a trucker and him being gone Monday through Friday, well, we all ate together so many nights matter of fact it was just about every night that we spent together.

Yet, in the back of my mind I did wonder how Savi was getting along with Rick. I did wonder if he was abusing her, I did wonder if she was stealing his booze or yet if they were sitting on his balcony sipping drinks from the same cup. I wondered if she understood the depths of her mistake living with him and the amount of control and manipulation he would pull on everyone and everything that got in his way just to have his way.

Well, after my few days of freedom from Savi I wanted to make sure that CPS and the courts along with my local police knew of her moving to San Fernando Valley. I no longer wanted my door knocked on from people that appeared to have more power than God. So, after getting Sara off to school and Sela down for her morning nap I sat down at my dining table and pulled out the now collected seventy five CPS cards, police business cards along with the phone numbers of Monterey Park Children's Court and the names that followed.

I gladly gave them all Ricks name, address, and phone number and when exactly I took her up there. My thinking was that since Savi wanted to dispose of me from just living, she was going to fill Rick's head with a bunch of lies of what I did and what I didn't do.

Well this is where the leopard does NOT change it's spots. That is exactly what she did. She told Rick that I beat her with a wooden spoon, that I dragged her by her hair, slapped her face countless times, called her a whore, called her a slut, and just tore down her spirit left and right. Of course she was playing on Rick's sympathy and she was damn good at it. When you get two exact same souls together such as Rick and Savi, it is like watching two of the worst storms ever seen collide causing devastation and ruins.

Funny how she left out the fact that I lost four jobs, how I chased her for four years trying to help her, how I never slept for fear of finding her dead, how I drove her to one doctor after the next trying to help her, how we attended family counseling, how I did so much for her. Of course that was never mentioned, nope, she just tore me down left and right. Any chance she got to throw me under the bus you bet she did. Rick was now calling me left and right calling me every name in the book along with threatening me that he was going to take Sara from me along with me losing Sela. Of course I just hung up on him. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah....CLLICK!

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned in months with Savi gone. I never once ever touched Savi's room I never went through her things or touched anything while she was gone. She had been gone now for almost seven months.

Then that one fatal night, Sara and I were sitting on the couch watching some talent show it must of been around nine or so when my phone rang and it was the San Fernando Police. I was shocked to hear from them but once they told me who they were I knew it centered around Savi and Rick. I of course shut off the television and Sara of course began asking me multiple questions left and right.

I was told by a deputy that one of the students in the school that Savi was attending while living with Rick found her in the girls bathroom all cut up and bleeding on the floor. Savi managed to make a make-shift shank and she cut into her feet, her ankles, her arms, her legs, her thighs, just about any where she could reach.

The deputy told me that he tried to talk to Rick and once he got wind of what she was doing he drove to the school and once he arrived he demanded to see Savi but she was under surveillance and being held by the school principal along with the ambulance. Well, Rick continued to make an ass out of himself and he ended up getting arrested.  He was charged with disorderly conduct and driving drunk. That for some reason does not surprise me one bit.

The deputy ended up telling me that the social worker that was called out to the school researched Savi and they found out I had sole and physical custody of Savi and that they had to release her to my custody. The deputy also told me that they found multiple bruises on her from Rick which added to the already charged up things on him that night that they added child abuse to his record as well.

Rick explained to the deputy that he did use a belt that was called "Mr. Brown" that was used on his daughters as well as Savi if they did not do as they were told. Rick typically would hit his girls and Savi in the back of the legs so when they wore their clothing it never showed.

I was instructed to meet a social worker at Gardena Police Department a place that was over an hour away from me for me to claim Savi. Hell I didn't want her here, that was the last thing I wanted. That was something that was the farthest thing from my mind. So as the clock continued to tick through the night, I had to wait for a phone call and no one knew when that was going to come. Finally at around 1:30 in the morning my cell phone rang and I was told to meet a social worker at the police department. I did however ask how Savi was and if she was in fact okay. I was told that she was good as can be expected.

Rick of course was bailed out by his wife Jackie and once he was home he yelled and screamed at me that he wanted her back. I told Rick I knew that he was arrested and there was no way in hell that he would get her back. He made his ever so charming threats and I reminded him I knew of Mr. Brown and if he didn't watch what he was saying to me I would turn him in for abuse on his own kids. Rick of course blew up and exchanged some unpleasant words for me but I just laughed and hung up on him again.

With me having to go and get Savi during the middle of the night that meant I had to wake up Sara and get Sela up and dressed. I was so pissed that once again my life would be disturbed because I had a daughter that just couldn't walk the straight and narrow even if she walked on a straight bridge. She would find someway to make it crooked.

Well, when I showed up at the police department there was no one there. I instantly grew uncomfortable being there in the middle of the night. Gardena was known for gangs and violence along with drive by shootings. I know I waited for almost half an hour when suddenly a car drove up with Savi sitting in the passenger seat. I was greeted by a social worker from Los Angeles and she asked for my ID which I showed her as well as letting her know my address. She then warned me of the multiple cuts on Savi including the amount of bandages that she had. She told me not to be surprised but when she opened the door Savi just completely feel out hitting the cold black pavement in the parking lot of course the mamma bear came out. I wanted to lunge for her to help her to her feet but quickly Savi yelled at me telling me to stay away from her. She had appeared to drugged up or seemed to be drinking. She was so unstable on her feet.

She screamed at me to not touch her she then screamed at the social worker for bringing her back to me. She told the social worker that she tricked her, she lied to her, and then all of a sudden I just didn't care it didn't matter if I got pissed because the way I saw it, if the social worker felt it was wrong to keep her with me she just would have loaded her up and shipped her off to foster care and I get to go home to my quiet home.

But I grabbed her and shook her and ended up telling her to shut the fuck up and get in the car that we were going home. I had an appointment at 8:30 that morning which I knew was just endless but by the time we finally got to leave and me signing papers it was almost 5:00 am. Once we were home Savi just went to her room and crashed on her bed. I told Sara to stay home from school and go back to bed also. I put Sela back into the crib and she too fell back asleep.

Within seconds of me being home I was once again on edge, I was pissed, I was mad, I didn't want her here, I didn't want to worry any longer, my life was continuing without her and I have to admit as bad as it sounds, I enjoyed it, NO, I LOVED IT!

Now I was right back to square one again with my life and with Savi. I could feel my heart racing, I could feel my tension growing, yet, I was stuck with her who else would want her? Savi was so good at playing the victim and she wanted the whole world to know she was the victim and if anyone showed any sympathy towards me for having a daughter like her she would just hunker down and make sure to drag me through the mud. She enjoyed watching me crumble with cops, she enjoyed making false allegations towards child abuse on her, she enjoyed telling social workers I gave her knifes or sharp object to cut herself. She tested the waters with having my life disrupted and with each attempt it turned into a failed attempt which of course made her try harder.



Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Saying Good Bye

Saying good bye can be the most difficult thing for just about anyone. We can and will become attached to the ones we love either deeply or as a friend. The one's we hug good bye have become a fixture in our daily lives. We know that person almost better than we know ourselves. When we stand before them and watch them walk away we can and will feel that a piece of our life is missing then.

But what if the person that is leaving, the person that we drop off, we are glad to see them go?

Is the Grass Greener on the Other Side of the Fence?

The drive up to Ricks was so somber, there was no conversation, no apologies for my behavior because I was not about to apologize for me blowing up. There was no apology from Savi not one single word. I could sense the anger and resentment from her just by the way that she leaned so deeply into the passenger door. She kept checking her watch on her wrist wondering when we would get there. She kept glancing out the window watching traffic go by. Me, I just clutched the steering wheel so tightly with each mile that passed.

I was once again confused, was I glad to see her go, would my life really be easy with her gone, would I even miss her? The selfish side of me just wanted to drop kick her to the curb, the other side of me was praying that she would break and start with her waterworks begging for me to turn around pleading that she would be better, she would be a good daughter once again. But of course she never did and my stubborn ways actually thought this was better.

I did know how it was going to turn out, I knew it would be bad, but she never believed a word I said, she always thought that I was purposely trying to railroad her and stop her from what she really wanted, her dad. But she needed to remember, I lived with him for three years, I lived and walked through the abuse, the black eyes, the bruised arms, the hurt face, the countless hospital visits and with each visit, a constant lie of how I got yet another bruise.

When I had finally arrived into San Fernando Valley the traffic was heavy, the night was warm, and one could see the many gangs that drove by either in their supped up cars or walking through the town with their gangs. It was the most disgusting place to ever be in. When I pulled up to the sidewalk putting my car in park Savi just jumped from the car running towards the stairs bounding upstairs taking two steps at a time.

I was left behind to gather her things and make my own way up the stairs. Once inside of the tiny two bedroom apartment I was greeted by Rick and Jackie's two youngest daughters. They hugged Savi asking over and over if she was really moving in. Savi sprinted over to Jackie hugging her and when she did, she made sure to have me watch her while she glared at me trying to hurt my feelings. But, I had no feelings left when it came to Savi.

I remember Rick walking over and hugging Savi then looking over at me with such a glare,

"You were smoking in the car with her, you don't ever smoke in front of my daughter you got that bitch?" before I knew the back of his hand made a direct contact with my right cheek. I had gone from fearing Rick to no longer fearing Rick. I took my stance and glared at him, I was filled with so much anger and as I stood there clenching my fist I could hear Jackie in the back ground repeatedly yelling to stop.

"That's it asshole," I began, "you have no right to hit me, you want to beat up on your wife, that's your business, but you will never hit me again."

I turned grabbing my phone out of my pocket to call 9-11 to report violence but Rick grabbed my phone trying to get it out of my hands. Jackie jumped up from the couch stepping in the middle of me and Rick.

"Rick, stop it, let her go," shouted Jackie. I could hear the tension in her voice, she then directed me to leave telling me it was best. I told them both it wouldn't be long before the police arrive. Once I was outside I started to call 9-11 but instead I changed my mind. I cupped my burning face and climbed into my car and drove off. I was actually glad to be rid of her, I was glad that she was gone. I had no qualms of leaving her behind besides, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she came back to me and when she did, I would be ready for her with a new set of rules, a new way of living. She would no longer call the shots and I would once again gain control.

As I pulled up to my house it was almost nine in the evening. Sara peaked her head out of the back door looking and wondering if Savi actually left. I remember taking a heavy sigh thinking how to explain this one more time, I was trying to think of the positive of her sister being gone. Raiza had fed Sela and put her to bed and once inside, I could see Sara's big black eyes begin to form tears.

I clung to her telling her that I tried to stop her, I tried to make her stay for almost three years now but she fought me on living with Rick. I could tell Sara wanted to crumble in my arms but still remain mad but she finally gave in and just crumbled in my arms crying so strongly.

I lead Sara to the couch and just sat while I continued to hold her then watching Raiza leave waving good bye telling me she would see me tomorrow. For almost a full hour Sara and I just sat and talked with me telling her it would be the same as if she was gone to the hospital. There would be better nights with her gone, the house would be quiet, there would be no more CPS or cops or hospitals that we had to worry about. Finally, Sara got up and kissed me good night and walked off to her room.

Me, I just continued to sit in the room that was now filled with silence. There was no sound, no yelling, screaming, crying from me, it was just pure bliss.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Life's Experiences

Life's experiences is just that. It doesn't really need explanation, there really is no definition for it, but one can certainly dwell on their own life's experiences. It can teach us right from wrong, but why must we continue to do wrong when we know what the final outcome will be? Do we test fate when we make a second attempt carefully plotting our footsteps in order to not make the same mistakes?

Do we feel since we learned our wrong doing's the first time that the second time around we will be better because will not make the same mistake again?  Does one mastermind the second attempt thinking over and over what steps we took the first time ensuring that our last ditch effort will not fall short of the same mistakes the second time around?

Everyone has a boiling point, every single person on the face of the great big earth has a point when they just loose it. No matter the countless attempts of staying in control, control fails us and we explode.

The Lady at the Front Door

Katherine was a very butch looking woman, and when she stood at the front door wanting to be let in, I could smell the undercover cop all over her. She just reeked of undercover cop. Now I had enough law experience from my dad as well as my graduation of law school dealing with family law and criminal law that I could now smell any type of cop or undercover. Isn't it just strange that I would turn to family law and criminal law especially since I had been dealing with Savi?

I remember when she showed up at my door. The winter months were quickly approaching yet in California winter months were still filled with what seemed to be warm summer evenings. The trees of course had dropped their leaves giving the appearance of bare naked branches. The clouds above were forming warning everyone that a winter rain storm was quickly approaching. As I stood outside listening to Katherine I just kept shaking my head at her. I was wondering when she was going to divulge who she was, would she be smart enough to know that she must divulge who she is, what precinct she worked at and as well, any paperwork that would explain why she was there.

No, she was bare naked at the branches on my front lawn. She never divulged a badge to me, she never did anything by protocol that she should have done but I still stood before her and let her go on and on until I just couldn't take it anymore.  

"So," I began, "how long are you going to go on rattling this bullshit to me until you finally show me your badge, I mean you just scream undercover cop and I know you are. You do understand your violating my civil rights as a citizen and the fact that your here trying to bust me for something that I didn't ever do, I could have your fucking badge bitch and you would be pushing paperwork for a very long time."

I remember her facial expression, she was shocked at my bold rude manner, she just stood before me not sure what to say. I could feel my face turning bright red, I could feel my heart beating once again out of my chest a feeling that was so normal for me now. I could feel my jaw tighten, my teeth clenching and grinding. I felt like a pit-bull ready to attack the weak victim.

"The next time you want to come onto my property and falsely accuse me of doing something I never did, you better have some god damn paperwork and proof that I did what you think I did. You better be sporting your badge as well, now get the fuck off my property and don't ever come back."

Katherine thought she was going to bully me, she thought she was going to intimidate me, she thought she was going to have the upper hand, well her failed attempt gave me strength. I had enough of Savi and her bullshit, I had enough of my front door becoming a rotating door, I had enough of people telling me I was a horrible mother, a hysterical mother, I had enough of the labels and I was just done with everything.

I wish sick and tired of desperately trying to wash the blood from Savi's arms, legs, her stomach, I was tired of her taking control over me. If she wanted to go live with her dad so badly then so be it. She can go and live with that abuser, she will see just how hard she has it living with him.

I picked up the phone and called Rick telling him I am packing her bullshit and she will be coming to live with him. Rick of course agreed and before he could get nasty with me I cut him off at the pass telling him that his bullshit remarks was not needed and to take advantage of this right now and just keep his mouth shut.

I then got into my car and drove around and around looking for Savi and once I found her I slammed my car into park then storming out of my car.

"There you are, get the hell in the car and don't ask any questions, just get in the car." Savi's eyes turned from her cold uninviting stare to ugly stare.

"You can't talk to me that way, I will make a phone call and tell CPS that your abusing me, matter of fact I think I will tell them that your beating me with a wooden spoon." she just continued to stare at me trying to gain control of the situation. Our voices were raised and people were starting to come out of their mobile homes to watch the fight between a mother and daughter.

"Oh no," I began, my blood turning cold at the very sight of her, my love for her was being tested and I refused to now fall to her level, I refused to let her take control of my life, I refused to let her do anything wrong to my life as well as Sara's and Sela's life. This was now a fight to gain back my life. I continued to stand by the car that was still running and then ducked inside to pull out my cell phone.

"Here bitch," I began screaming uncontrollably, "call CPS better yet, call 9-11 because when I get done with you it will be worthwhile sitting in jail knowing that I had the final say, that I was able to finally take my aggression out on you, I was able to finally take a blow at you."

Savi stopped short in what she was going to say, she stood there shocked at what I just said to her, her mouth closed her eyes began to well up with tears, yet I just stood there. I had become used to her tears, they actually meant nothing to me any longer.

I walked away from the car brisk fully up to Savi grabbing her arm dragging her to the passenger side of the car and tossing her in. I slammed the door shut and then noticed the multiple families that were standing there watching me. I yelled that the show was over and get the hell back into their houses.

As I climbed back into my car I slammed my side as well then turning to her. I was so angry I had turned just black from a clear thought.

"Look little girl, you want out of my life so badly, so be it, you are no longer going to manipulate me, you are no longer going to control me and I will no longer be your little puppet that you control. I called Rick, your leaving tonight to go live with him. I already packed your things, your out of here today." I shouted with such hate in my voice.

Yes, my first born daughter had now taught me to hate her. I was just so sick and tired of hearing from judges, attorney's, doctors, CPS workers, cops, nurses how she was just a lost soul. I was done with the finger pointing. I was done with trying desperately trying to help her and with all the hundreds if not thousands of attempts that I made to keep her safe yet never once did it ever get noticed. Not once!!

I never turned to look at her, I never stopped to wonder how she felt about this. I just didn't care anymore. I had reached my boiling point. As I pulled into my parking space I ordered Savi to wait in the car. I quickly called Raiza asking her to get Sara from the bus stop and watching Sela after Felix drops her off. She agreed quickly after I shared why. She was almost happy for me that I had finally taken back the control.

I grabbed Savi's things that I had packed and threw them into the trunk slamming it shut then climbing in and driving off.


Friday, January 20, 2017

Right Before My Very Eyes

Someone once told me, "our eyes are the windows to our soul" when we glance at someone for that split second do they appear sad, do they appear happy, are they concerned, puzzled, or are they so sad about something it can appear no matter what we say to them, happiness is just untouchable?

Our eyes can play tricks on us making us believe that what may be before us is actually not there a figment of our imagination. When evil lurks around us our eyes can frighten us for the unknown, we try to imagine the best yet the worst comes so quickly it can put our vision at a pinnacle peak that we shudder at the vision before us.

And She Speaks In Silence....

Hearing the echoing blast of the back door closing part of me just wanted to go out and drag Savi by her hair then dragging her into the house so not a single person can view with their eyes the cast of punches I wanted to produce to her body. My life had become a double edge sword. If I were to go out and drag her in kicking and screaming she could eliminate my life and the life with my other two daughters with one single phone call. Then on the other side of that sword, somehow someway I needed to gain control of my life which was crumbling like a dry week old cookie.

Just less than twenty four hours my home was quiet, my home was peaceful, Sara, Sela and myself were dining at dinner as a family. We were laughing, I was helping her with her homework, I could hear the children laughing outside, basically my life was drama free. And, with one phone call everything came a screeching halt. Odd how a phone call can change one's life in a split second.

I didn't know what to do, do I chase her and risk her putting an end to what I was so desperate for or was I so desperate for that freedom I had for a whole thirty days. I grabbed the phone numbers of the few doctors that were given to me for us to attend the family counseling. The receptionist on the other end made the appointment for us to attend in two days. She took the needed information such as the hospital she was at, what she was in for, the number of medications she was on and what she was currently taking.

As I hung up I really didn't now what to do so I called my mom. My mom told me to go and get her and bring her home and ground her. I chuckled at the thought of someone who has more power then me, who had all the control, who now held the deck of cards shuffling and tossing me about. My mom told me how I was a bad kid growing up but I was never this bad. She was too at a loss of ideas once I told her if I were to go and get her an drag her home kicking and screaming she could destroy me with one phone call. My mom drew silent unsure just what to say to me or do about Savi.

I decided to continue my night as if she just wasn't home. Sara and I along with Sela gathered at the table but the tension was so thick we barely said two words to each other unsure of what to talk about unsure what to say to each other. I just continued to sit and with each tick of the clock I grew angrier and angrier. My leg began to shake, my pulse began to race, my heart was beating out of my chest. Finally without notice I gathered the plates on the table taking them to the kitchen sink throwing them in watching them shatter with pieces of ceramic flying all over the place. I dropped to the ground and just began to scream uncontrollably then began to cry which of course lead to weeping.

"God, I hate her, I hate who she is, I hate what she is doing, I can't take this anymore."

Was she my revenge child? Was she someone that my own mother wished I would have due to her telling me how horrible I was as a teen yet I wasn't this bad? I felt a warm hand touch my arm then looking up it was Raiza. Her sympathetic voice and loving touch was so wanted I grabbed her and clung to her then letting my tears open and flow.

"I just saw Savi wandering through the street here so I came over to see how your doing." I had clung to Raiza so tightly I could feel her own heart racing, I could hear her breathing. I just continued to cling to her on the floor as if she was my last breath, if I were to let go I would no longer be able to breath. Even with Savi not there, she was suffocating me with her power.

Raiza picked me up and then instructed Sara to take Sela and herself to her house to see Tiffany her daughter which was roughly the same age as Sara. With both of them gone Raiza began steering me to the couch planting me firmly. She ran to get me a tissue due to the dribbles of snot now running down my chin. She then turned her attention to the mess in the kitchen cleaning up the broken shards of dishes all over the kitchen floor.

Once I had calmed down we just began to talk about nothing really and before I knew it we were both laughing and talking about nothing still just endless go no where conversations.

Then it dawned me....

"I know what I can do, I can lock her out, if she thinks that she is going to take me down, she isn't. I will just make sure that she has no way to get into the house." I knew that if I were to tell Sara no matter what happens, you do not open the front door, the windows, the back door no matter how many times she bangs on anything to get in.

"But won't that put Sara in the middle, I mean I get it, but that is putting Sara in the middle and that is going to confuse her more than what she already is." shared Raiza with her kind eyes and soft voice.

I remember I just growled like a panther ready to strike, "so what do I do then, this girl has taught me to hate her and right about now my love for her is just fading so quickly. She is teaching me to hate her and I don't want to but I can't help it." I said. "I worry about her when she is not here, I wonder if she is safe, I wonder what drugs she is doing, is she drunk somewhere, is she being taken advantage of, she is manipulating me, she is using me like a pawn in chess."

I shot up from the couch wanting to grab something and just throw it across the room to watch it shatter into a million pieces. Sadly, that is just what I did. I grabbed the ceramic dish sitting on the coffee table picking it up and hurling it across the room watching it hit the thin walls then come crashing down in so many pieces. I have to admit, that did feel good.

As the evening drew near I went to gather my daughters at Raiza's house to bring them home for bed. Once I was home I told Sara that she had school tomorrow and Felix was coming to get Sela for the day. But I just couldn't help it, I told Sara no matter what happens, when Savi comes home do not let her in. Do not open any doors or windows so that she can't get in. I made sure that all the doors were locked and bolted shut. Sara of course was upset about me locking her sister out but at that point I had turned to a dark place, a place I just didn't care about. I instructed Sara if and when Savi comes home and she begins banging on her window to come and wake me up. I was just hell bent on this child getting into the home. I mean if she wanted to play the game her way, let's play!!

Well, morning came and shocking enough Savi never came home. Me, I just continued my morning as if she just wasn't there. I made my pot of coffee, got Sela up to get her ready to see her dad, got Sara up made her breakfast and then left to take her to school. But as the day went on, Savi was no where to heard of. Me, I just didn't care. I was fine with her being gone, I was fine with her not being there.

                                                        And there is ALWAYS A BUT....

With Sara gone and Sela with her dad the home was quiet for a few minutes but my silence was disrupted by a knock on the front door and when I looked out the window it was some woman I had never seen before. I opened it and she told me her name was Katherine Jones she was from of course CPS. She wanted to interview Savi and myself. She wanted to make sure that the coming home was a good idea and things were going smoothly. As she said that to me, I just chuckled at the thought of anything ever smoothly in my life.


Thursday, January 19, 2017

The Truth of Home

No matter where you are or what you do for a living, no matter what is in your wallet that can either empress others or shock others, the one true thing that we have is a home. Some of course are not as lucky as others to have a home. But for those that do, a home is supposed to be your castle. It is supposed to be your sanctuary that gives you protection from the outside world, it is supposed to ward off bad people it is supposed to be a home filled with love, laughter, togetherness.

Why else would they make signs that you hang up all around every inch of the walls that say...

"This home is filled with love, family, and togetherness"

Your home is supposed to be a place that when you rest your head at night you are supposed to close your eyes in slumber and awaken to a brighter better day. But what if that home is disrupted what if that home is no longer your "safe place" it can cripple a family in a matter of seconds faster than dynamite that is placed in a hotel dropping it to the ground it rest on. When a home that is disrupted it can suck the very life out of you.

She Comes Homes


I remember very clearly when I received the phone call that Savi was coming home. It was Thursday morning at 9:04 am. The voice on the phone was struggling to sound positive, she was struggling with her statement that Savi was ready to come home. She also urged for us to get family counseling. The lady on the phone gave me some names of doctors that would be most helpful for us to attend.

For so long my anger had been buried by so many people, it had been placed on the back burner and more focused on Savi and her attempts of suicide. I wanted to scream with rage I wanted to blurt out how hurt I was that someone that I bore in child birth had the absolute capability to crush my very soul. I had become that boiling pot on the stove with scalding hot water bubbling just about to spew over the top wanting to burn anything around it. But so many put a lid on me and took my feelings and just didn't seem to care what this had done to me. How this changed me, how this created a monster that now lived inside of myself.

I so wanted to crumble my daughter to the ground, I wanted so much to get in her face and scream at her for what she had done to this family. How she made my mother ache in pain, how she made my father now second guess her as a grand daughter. How she made Sara hurt so badly not even I could comfort her from her pain. I wanted to be the selfish one, I wanted to be the one that was finally heard but like always, someone somewhere just always put a lid on my feelings and put me on the back burner then bringing Savi to the front burner making it all about her.

I felt robbed of being a mother, I felt robbed of my own feelings. But as usual, I went to Sara's school pulling her out early once again so we could go get her sister. Once we were in the car and Sara settled in the front seat, Sela in the back seat sitting in her car seat so unware of what was going on, I asked Sara how she felt about her sister coming home.

She was struggling so badly with wanting to remain loyal to me yet wanting her sister so badly. I could tell that she wanted to say no that she didn't want her sister home yet at the same time she wanted to scream with excitement. I reassured her it was okay to express her feelings I needed to make her feel safe, I kept reassuring her it was okay. But, all she did was just shrug her shoulders.

When we finally arrived I was just feeling exhausted already from the stress of having Savi home. I just kept wondering in the back of my mind of the walking of eggshells would they return, would I be walking on glass once again, would my now resting nights be disturbed once again. Yet, I wondered how selfish I really was being. Was I being selfish, did I really want her home. So many questions just flooded my mind. Part of me wanted to reach out to Savi grabbing her and holding her telling her how much I loved her then the other part of me just wanted to turn around and go home.

Once inside the nurse had a stack of papers for me to sign. I had to claim responsibility once again for her, I had to reassure the countless staff and countless doctors that I would treat her with golden gloves. Savi came home with a bucket of pills that she was to take. Pills that I was so unaware of her taking.

She was taking anti-depressant pills, sleeping pills, nausea pills, the list is just to long to mention here. When Savi came to the front finally she hugged Sara screaming "Sissy, sissy, your here" crunching her sister then grabbing Sela from me and hugging her to the point that she began screaming from the clutches of Savi. And for me, she just ignored me. She never acknowledged me, smiled at me, said hi, she didn't even give me eye contact.

Was I hoping for a hug, did I even want one, I know I had come to fear her, I know that she was teaching me to not love her. She had just become a mere stranger to me now. One of the nurses walked up to me placing her arm around my shoulder then whispering to me, "give her some time, she will come around. She actually said nice things about you during therapy." I was shocked at what the nurse said and when I looked at her I wanted to ask if we were in fact talking about Savi but all she did was just smile and wink at me and within a split second, she was gone.

Once we all piled into the car but before Savi and Sara screaming "SHOT GUN" took my mind back for that brief moment when things were easier between us. Savi of course raced to the front passenger side claiming victory on sitting in the front seat across from me. I asked if anyone was hungry and quickly they all replied yes.

We drove through Mc Donald's and while driving home we munched on our food. The mood was light and it seemed easy yet the nurses voice kept ringing loud and clear in my head, "give her time, give her time" so, that is what I did. I decided I would talk to her when she had something to say to me. I couldn't help but feel my emotions were just all over the map never settled never expressed.

Once we arrived home Savi climbed out and headed right for her bedroom then closing the door behind her. Sara just looked at me with that look on her face that said it all..."why did she do that?" I just walked over drawing her into my arms telling her to give Savi some space then reminding her that she has been gone for almost a whole month.

All the way home not a single glance at me, not a single word, not a single touch. The tension between us was alive and kicking. I could tell that she hated me, I could tell that if the house was burning down and she was given a choice to save me or watch me burn, she would rather watch me burn to death.

I just decided to once again put my feelings aside which I had now struggled at so heavily. I really wanted to walk into her room and grab her by her neck choking her screaming with uncontrollable rage, "why are you doing this, don't you know how much I love you, don't you understand there is nothing you can ever do that would stop me from loving you" as the day continued I could feel my stomach quivering with rage I could feel my hands shaking, I could feel my head tingling with numbness mixed with anger.

Then finally Savi emerged from her room dressed as if she was going somewhere. As she made her way to the kitchen I quickly became alerted with fear I became unsettled once again with my emotions once again all over the map. I was in the kitchen making dinner when she began her exit to the back door of our mobile home.

"I'm going out, I don't know when I will be back." here she was only fourteen years old and she was going to tell me when she was leaving then telling me she doesn't know when she will be back? OH HELL NO!

"I think it's best if you stay home and have dinner with us, don't you? I know that Sara would love to have dinner with you we haven't seen you in so long and it would be great to sit down as a family and have dinner." My voice was calm, it was sincere, it was honest.

"I don't give a shit what you want." and with that, the door opened and then slammed shut.



Monday, January 16, 2017

The Unknown Simple Life

When we think of a "Simple Life" do we think of someone that has no problems, they have financial stability, zero student loans, bills paid for, a home that is paid for, and of course money in the bank to spend on whatever they wish whenever they wanted?

What does the simple life mean to you? What constitutes a simple life? Is your life complicated and filled with regret or do you have just about whatever you want when you want it? When you step up to the ATM do you sweat how much is really there or do you slip in your debit card and not care how much you take out?

How hard are you willing to work for the simple life? What are you willing to give up in order to have a simple life? What would you sacrifice for the simple life?


The Crystal Ball


How many of you remember going to a fair and seeing the mechanical  Madam Zelda in a booth. You slip in a quarter and she mechanically moves her hands over the crystal ball and once she supposedly reads your future her reading drops to the bottom of the machine, you pull it out and read what your future will be. Did you believe it as a young child?

I am the one person that keeps everything. And I mean "everything" that I have done through my childhood, teen years, and even adulthood. I have this shoe box that is filled with fortune cookie readings, high school dance tickets, high school football tickets, report cards, birthday cards, Christmas cards, and yes, even a reading from Madam Zelda from the fair I attended as a young girl. I borrowed a quarter from a friend I was with whose name I just can't remember right now. I placed my hands on the crystal ball outside while she placed her hands on the inside crystal ball.

My reading says....

"You shall endure pain and suffering through your young adult life but it shall change when you become older a rainbow will appear and the dark clouds will disappear warming you from the sun."

I of course, took it home and showed my parents and they of course laughed at it telling me that message as probably been given to many people. It is a generated reading that is most likely. My dad told me to throw it away that it meant nothing. Funny how my life turned out because once I put it away in the shoebox, I actually forgot about it until I had Savi.


Visiting Time Ends

I remember sitting in the corner of the room trying to engage in a conversation with Savi but she was dead set on not having any form of communication with me whatsoever. For each time I tried I got the roll of the eyes, the heavy sighs, the nasty glares, so I just gave in and let her be a bitch. I had spent over three years now trying to save her life. I have caused Sara to miss school, missing Sela's first steps, parent teacher conferences, school plays, you name it, I missed it and it was now of course taking a heavy toll on Sara. She was feeling rejected.

I continued to hear my mom's message from her in the back of my head, "just act like it doesn't both you, ignore her, let her play game because she will soon find out she is the only one playing that game." I struggled so heavily with trying to do what my mom said over and over. I had two other daughters that needed me but I was so consumed with saving Savi.

At this point there were four parts of me consuming my life. One part wanted to show Savi that she meant something to me, the second part wanted to prove that I could be just as stubborn as her that I too could be the bigger bitch, then the third part of me still wanted to save her because after all, that's what mothers do right? Save their kids? then the fourth part of me just wanted to get in her face yelling at her telling her with rage, anger, selfishness just what she has done to this family.  

Would it do any good to do any of those four parts? Nope...she was on her own horse riding down her own sunset and she would let that horse of hers stampede, run over, trample, kick, just to get her way but for some reason I had to prove to her I was stronger. I was going to prove without a shadow of a doubt that this thirteen year old was not going to take me down.

When we left I was so confused, I couldn't tell if I hated her more because of what she was teaching me to do or if I just wanted to break down and cry screaming why doesn't she love me? I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong, was it worth keeping her at home or would she actually do better living with Rick? Was I ready to wave my white flag to her and surrender her over to Rick?

As we drove home Sara and Sela played in the back seat while Raiza was trying to have a conversation with me. My head was flooded with visions of her face her revenge she wanted to do with me, dragging me down to her level and me weak enough to fall to her level. Every visit, phone call with Savi, letters to her had to be reported to Child Protective Services. They were to be inspected, listened to, and edited on how things went. I was then to have someone come to my house and try to interrupt how I felt which of course was misconstrued as not wanting my daughter anymore.

It didn't matter how many times I said I loved her, how much I wanted her home, it was always misconstrued as being vindictive and evil. Until one lady showed up, her name was Lynsey Harper. She was a heavy set lady which seemed to be pretty much the norm of the CPS workers. She had a kind smile and she seemed eager to get to know me.

The day that she showed up she pulled out all the letters I had sent to Savi, they had been photocopied and saved and her file which was now becoming as thick as the book "Gone with the Wind" seems apropos doesn't it?

She took out the number of times I had called and the number of rejections from Savi. It showed how many times I drove to see her and how many times she rejected me. She spoke to Sara and she had no qualms sharing how this was destroying me and her with Savi's behavior. My life had become an open book for anyone that came knocking on my front door.

"Well," began Lynsey, "seems like you have been through a lot, how are you holding up, do you need anything, does Sara and Sela need anything?" I remember just staring at her as if she was speaking a foreign language and I was to break it down and try to make sense of it.  

I remember Lynsey looking around the house complementing me on my beautiful house, the front walkways lined with an array of florals, how sweet Sara's room was, how well adjusted Sela was then Lynsey looking at me...

"I get it," began Lynsey, her voice was calming and sympathetic "I'm not attacking you," she was letting out a heavy sigh, "from the countless reports, court hearings, the many failed attempts you have faced, I am guessing by the facial expression your not used to someone being kind to you. Well, I am here to tell you, I think Savi is full of shit and what she is doing to you needs to stop."

My entire world just went silent, I no longer heard the television blaring in Sara's room, I no longer heard Sela crying to be changed. I also no longer heard the kids playing outside I remember just staring at her wondering why she was so kind to me.

Lynsey had a master plan to get Savi returned to me. She shared how she had been to court showing the judge all my attempts on seeing my daughter, the countless copied letters, the failed attempts to see my daughter, the continuous abuse from other social workers, the countless attempts of removing my other two kids, and now my face filled with dark black circles under my eyes, the weight loss and weight gain. The hair that was now falling out.

"Do you want Savi to come home to you?" Lynsey asked me. The now building acid that was forming in my stomach was churning like butter in a butter maker. The sympathy look from her said so much just spoke volumes to me. I remember sitting there and rubbing my hands together between my thighs my eyes becoming glassy.

Things with Sara was actually becoming normal with her and school. Sela was on a sleeping pattern now and doing great with it. My home was quiet, there were no more police at my home, midnight waking to see if Savi was dead or missing. It was peaceful and I was struggling with answering her if in fact I wanted my own daughter home.

Right then and there, I knew I feared her, I feared what she was capable of doing to me. She could destroy me in one single breath.