Thursday, December 22, 2016

What does that say?

My job at the restaurant was becoming steady income. Felix and I were doing okay as a couple and I was quickly learning that he was a workaholic. He worked day and night. We never really ever sat down and shared what we both wanted out of the relationship or where it was going. We never talked of marriage, we never talked about Savi and Sara becoming his step daughters, we just went with the flow each and every day.

When he was home he was sleeping and participation in our relationship was quickly becoming nonexistent. Everything I did for the home or the girls was just as if I was single. I went to family social events with just the girls, dinners with my parents was just me and the girls, going to the grocery store, their school, dinners, breakfast, it was becoming pretty lonely. I began wondering why I was even in this relationship. I mean, I might as well have been single. I was doing the exact same thing as a single mother rather than someone in a relationship.

So, I took matters into my own hands since I found this new fighting person inside of me, someone that had developed a spine, someone that had to fight her way out of box in order to survive. I learned to speak my peace and be strong and while I was doing all this I took the "Welcome Mat" and tossed it into the trash. I had decided that I was not going to be someone else's crap from the bottom of their shoes any longer.

One afternoon on my day off and Felix still home before he left for work I decided to bring up what our relationship meant to him, where does he see this going? Obviously I should of had this conversation with him prior to him moving in but I didn't. I could quickly tell he was not comfortable speaking about our future. He wanted to change the subject but I stood strong.

I told him that it was a fair conversation and I needed to know my future not just for me but for my kids. All I got out of him was just "let's see, let's see what happens" as quickly as the conversation started, Felix was quick to ended it.

Then it happened, one morning I woke up and I began puking all over the place. I had to call into work sick and I never missed work. As the day went on, I was feeling somewhat better but not one hundred percent. Then the next morning, and the next morning, I had a general idea what was going on so I shared with Felix that I might be pregnant. He immediately became defensive and insisted that I be wrong.

Well when you have sex and Felix gets up to go to the bathroom and suddenly I hear, "Oh shit, it broke" and six weeks later I start feeling sick, what do you think that means? Well I took a pregnancy test and guess what...I was pregnant. Secretly I was so excited because here I was pregnant and I was wanting a baby boy so badly, I already had two girls, I wanted a boy, and I wanted one badly.

Felix had very different feelings about me wanting to keep this baby. He wanted me to have an abortion he kept telling me that having a baby now was the worst idea that one can ever dream of doing at our age. Me, I was thirty nine, Felix was forty three soon to be forty four. He just kept telling me over and over to not have this baby, that it could hurt our plans. I remember looking at him as if he was a complete nut job.

"Plans, what plans? You never bother to share with me our life together, you never want to talk about it, you first shoot me down then shut me off, how am I to know what plans you have?"

Still, nothing came from his mouth that gave me comfort and security regarding our future together. He never uttered one single word to me that would give me a smidgen of a hint that we even had a future together. "CHANGE" can be the hardest thing for some and yet change can be the best for others. It's not like I was trapping him, I kept thinking over and over maybe this is my son, maybe I'm finally pregnant with my son.

Was it selfish? Sure. Was I thinking of his needs? No. But then again, was he even hearing anything I have ever said to him about our future for the past two years? No. I guess that Felix was this crystal ball and our future was slowly turning and developing in his mind and I or course was supposed to know exactly what it was.

Well, I can't read minds, and I certainly can't see through a crystal ball, I needed him to communicate to me he thoughts, his dreams, what he wants for both of us, what he hates, what he loves, what pisses him off, what doesn't piss him off. Finally I just told him, "I'm keeping my baby."

My mom and dad or course had a different agenda. My mom was not so much mad at the fact that I was pregnant, she was mad that Felix had no intentions of marrying me. So, they decided to show up when I was five months pregnant and urged us both to get married. They both pushed and pushed and obviously making Felix very uneasy. So, in order to do the right thing something my father pounded down Felix's throat, we got married.

Savi was now eleven and Sara ten years old. We got married at a justice of the peace and then we celebrated by going out to dinner afterwards. That night I was hoping to spend a nice quiet evening with Felix and yet that never happened. He told me now that we are having a baby I need to pick up more work and plan for a baby.

Well the morning sickness was still very strong. If I smelled any food five miles away or five steps away I was puking my guts out. Because I was so sick I became excited to think that it was a boy. Both Savi and Sara were easy pregnancies. Never had any morning sickness, never had a problem. But this baby, kicked my ass. I was forced to stay in bed and stop working. I couldn't even raise my head without getting dizzy and forget about me standing up by myself. If I even tried to I would  just fall over on the floor.

My equilibrium was completely gone, and my doctor quickly labeled me a high risk pregnancy due to my age. He told me to take Unisome a sleeping pill that had a derivative in it that would stop morning sickness. After taking it for a whole week, the morning sickness stopped. I was able to finally eat and that is just what I did.

On the first day of being able to consume any food, I consumed in one sitting;

French Fries
Strawberry Lemonade
Chocolate Cake

Ya know, my body is just amazing when it's pregnant. I have the absolute ability to just look at food and gain sixty pounds. One would think because I couldn't consume any food for the first seven months, I would never gain weight...HELL NO, not me, I managed to gain fifty five pounds just laying bed and puking my guts out.

During my fifth month almost into my six month, I was sitting at home cleaning the house when there was a knock at the door. There was a mailman telling me to sign for a certified letter. It was from the owner of the condo.

"It is with a heavy heart but excitement for us, we have decided to sell the condo and hereby giving you a thirty days notice to move out. We have already found a buyer and they will be taking possession in the next thirty days. No cleaning will be required and all deposits given prior to moving in will be withheld." 

So, what does a pregnant woman do with two kids, a new marriage, and suddenly needing to move out and find a new place to live?

"Hello Mom"