Friday, December 30, 2016

Water in the cracks

We all do it, we stand outside with our hose in hand watering our treasured front and back lawn. Some desperately water their front and backyard in hopes that grass will grow once again. We even take our hose and water or clean off the front walkway of our home.

Many will not panic because we have done it over and over the tedious task of watering our front lawns. But if you stop to think about it, the water that seeps down into the cracks or our walkways or front of the house does it ever ruin the foundation of your home? Will enough water create a sense of shifting in the foundation?

That was Savi, she was the water from the hose and I, along with her family were the cracks she was hell bent on ruining the once upon a time solid foundation of what was once stability for her. My life was shifting and it was shifting so fast no amount of work to correct the troubled teen could have actually corrected it.

My father was able to get her case overturned due to her age along with a promise to get into counseling. For that action left a reaction between both myself and my mom. I wanted her to go to jail to sit and learn what she did wrong. I wanted her to see first hand what actually went on behind bars the other troubled teens that she would share a cell with. I wanted this to rock her world so deeply that it would shake the piss and vinegar right out of her.

The court clerk gave me and my father a few names of some counselors in my area along with a paper that had to be signed each and every time we came to visit That paper would then be faxed over to the court house each and every time we came to visit leaving a paper trail of her progress. Because of the  make shift trouble Savi had trumped up, it left Felix and I on battling grounds with each other. He once again was pitching his thoughts of "Father Wisdom" which was of course the last thing I needed.

I needed my own support system, I needed a tender shoulder to cry on, I needed help myself. Felix never offered to ever hold me or to let me cry in his arms or talk to him about what was going on. He was so cold and so rigged towards me. I had made many attempts to reach out and hold him but he just moved away from my reach leaving me to feel empty and alone.  Raiza was the only person to come to the my aid. There was countless cups of coffee shared between us both along with strong words of wisdom from Raiza.

Felix and myself just stopped talking to each other. We had become strangers in our own house and he was over the crazy antics of Savi. He was now more concerned what Sara was going through and Sela was seeing from her older sisters behavior. He made it known that he was not going to put up with this and he of course made threats of divorce.

Savi was acting out in school and many times she even ditched school. I could tell by the look on her face that she was scared, she felt lost and she wondered why or how she even came to live this life of misery. I could sense that she really wanted me to understand her, I could see it through those stunning emerald green eyes filled with pain and lonliness, I could see it in her facial expressions when she looked at me with humped shoulders shared with absolute exhaustion. When she did hug me she hugged me tightly I could tell she wanted to whisper, "I love you mom" but for some reason she could never bring herself to say those words to me.

My family had become the talk of the mobile home park. Not to many things go unknown when you live inside of a mobile home park. It compares to Patton's Place, it is everyone's business and everyone knows your business. No matter where I went I could see people talking, I could see the fingers pointing at me then others whispering as I passed them walking in the streets pushing Sela in her stroller. I just tried my hardest to hold my head up high wondering what happens behind their closed doors. Do they have the life they dreamed of, do they not have marital problems, do they have sexual issues, do they drink, do they cheat, do they abuse their spouse nightly?

I had come to loath the mobile home park and I wanted out so badly. I was beginning to hate my life and my job working at Red Robin was being challenged. I had already missed so much work because when you have a court ordered counseling session and the counselor is making the schedule you don't have the ability to say, "I work that day can we make it another day?"

I felt as if the counseling was just to appease the courts. I really didn't see any improvement in Savi and I could tell that she was just bored with the whole thing. Savi quickly graduated from amateur con artist to now a professional con artist. She knew what to tell people, she knew exactly what they wanted to hear and how to tell them in order to make it sound so believable it would put a permanent jerri curl in anyone's hair. Savi knew just how to make me sound like the worlds worst mother and what really sucked, the counselor believed her.

I was getting reprimanded from some asshole counselor and no matter how many times I tried to defend myself that counselor came back with, "stop hiding behind your lies" my daughter was teaching me to hate her and she was doing a bang up job of it. Every single time I fought back Savi was there yelling and screaming that I was a bold face liar. It was still useless, no matter what I said she had the counselor wrapped around her pinky finger.

When fires are raging and out of control firemen will set fire to gain control over those fires. When fire meets fire the object is it will ultimately be put out. That is just what I did, I fought fire with fire. Raiza had reminded me of the video recorder I had gotten from my parents for Christmas sometime ago and mentioned that maybe, just maybe, I should record Savi when she is at her worst. That was my saving grace.

I recorded her when she went crazy, threw things, called me names, threatened to kill herself, said how much she hated me, how she wanted to run away and live with her dad. I recorded her bedroom which was filled with old food, new food, dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes on the ground. I took pictures of her report card which by the way was filled with "F,s" there was no D+ or D- nope, just F's. I had set the recorder down in a position that would record both of us when I tried talking to her and she would spew out how stupid I was, how retarded I was, how much of a slut I was, how horrible of a mother I was.

Then it just the recorder was set, she just blew like Ol' Faithful in Yellowstone National Park.

"Ya know Savi, its funny how you keep reporting everything you think I am doing wrong yet you never bother to share what you do wrong, how you act, how you think. I am trying to understand who you are and what you want but, you shoot me down each time."

"Ya, now there is an idea, if I had a gun I could kill you and then finally go live with my dad." As she stood there telling me such a horrific plan I could the expressionless face, the blank stare, the cold calculating glare from my own child.

"You seem to have this calculated plan of ending my life, but did you ever think of the lives of your other two sisters, did you ever stop to think what would happen to them?"

"I don't care what happens to them, they are just the pain in my ass each and everyday. Oh yeah, buy the way, thanks for having another wasted human life, another baby. That was such a brilliant plan wasn't it?" her giggle of misery reminded me of a master minded evil person that could dispose of his family and not even care.

I knew exactly what she was doing, I knew that she was trying so hard to have me kick her out of the house. She was trying so hard to have me get rid of her. But the more she fought to go live with her dad, the more I fought back. I was actually protecting her from that waste of human space, that lad specimen gone wrong..RICK!

Not only did I tell her of the beatings I took from him, the rape from him, the abuse of alcohol, no money to feed her when she was a baby, the cheating, lies, manipulation from him. But, as I shared before she could justify every single thing he did wrong and find blame in someone else for his actions instead of him claiming responsibility for his own actions.

I grabbed the video recorder and stopped it immediately. My intention was to share it with the counselor but suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of blackmail. Was I doing this because I wanted to get even or was I doing this because I wanted the courts and her counselor to know that I am not a crazy mom. Was I trying to prove a point or was I actually helping Savi or hurting Savi?

Days later and after the explosion between us, I was standing in the kitchen making lunch for Sela and Sara when Savi emerged from her bedroom. She had been hiding out for six days. Her face was broken out with acne her eyes took on the dark black circles, her hair greasy and unclean, she smelled so badly. When she reached for a cup to fill with the cool brisk water from the fridge I just about blew a gasket.

I was just floored at what I found...