Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Tombstone: Here Lays Ms. Guilt

Guilt is the far worst feeling that anyone can ever live with. It is very rare that one of the smallest words can be the most misunderstood word. Virtue has ties with the word "GUILT" the same as a high sense of responsibility along with morality. Guilt is the strongest word and it can leave one feeling immobilized in both the present and the past by something that has occurred.

It can destroy a single person and no matter how many times we try to shake it, that skeleton in the closet is a constant reminder of the guilt that we suffer, the guilt can and will cripple us to absolute destruction of a human from any growth as a normal sane person. Guilt can take away any trust that we had in ourselves at one point, the way you correspond with others, people near to your heart and yes, even strangers. It will leave you second guessing your ability of even being a mother.

The night I woke up and found Daniel gone from the bed and seeing the girls bedroom closed, I opened the door and found Daniel doing the unthinkable. He was not sexually abusing them but he was fondling Savi and Sara was sitting up and watching. I immediately began screaming over and over "what the hell is going on in here" Daniel shot up and ran to the living room.

I quickly followed behind him yelling and screaming while hearing Savi and Sara crying hysterically in the bedroom. I began clinching my fist, my anger surfaced in a murderous type way. I wanted to murder him. I wanted to end his very life. My thinking just turned black. In the living room was a large pane window of glass in the middle and on both ends were sliding windows. I would guess maybe twelve feet long. I began to hover over Daniel yelling and spewing every single cuss word I could possibly think of. I struck him in his head with my fist, I began hitting him so profoundly it hurt my own hand.

He climbed from the couch to the floor then stood up, he was stepping back and back making his way to the window and without thinking I just shoved him through the plate glass window watching him fall two stories then hitting the concrete parking. I turned in a fit of rage, my mind was still black all I could of think of was killing him. All I could think of was ending his very life. To stop this man from breathing. To stop this man from ever walking in the world ever again. I turned and ran to the kitchen grabbing the butcher knife clenching it with my very being as hard as I could. I swung open the kitchen door letting it slam into the wall cracking it in two pieces watching pieces of the wall fly then landing on the carpet. I then swung open the kitchen security screen door letting it slam and hit the window in the kitchen shattering the glass.

I flew down stairs to find him moaning in pain. With all the commotion of our fighting and me just out of my mind in anger, I stood over Daniel with the butcher knife still in my hands. I began to raise it to cut him from the world. I was aiming for his head, I wanted to butcher his face, I wanted to cut his hands, all I could think of was killing him. I quickly began to notice people coming out of their homes to watch. I had drool hanging from my mouth, my heart racing, my entire being shaking, my anger out of control. As I began to swing down on Daniel who was no pleading to not kill him, he was screaming for help and I shouted right back at him, "There is no help for you, you fucking child molester. You touched my daughter, you touched her." 

Without any warning I felt a strong sense of hand in mine. She was screaming to stop, she was pulling  my hand away from Daniel with such strength it made me break. I let go of the knife and fell into her arms weeping uncontrollably. Still to this day I do not know who she was. I began screaming he molested my daughters. Within seconds the police showed up. There was so much commotion, there was so much going on. Many of the neighbors still stayed out to watch me and what was going on. As I looked around at them I heard nothing, there was no sound, there was no voice only the motion of people pointing and talking. The flashing red lights from the police, the two police officers standing next to me then one running up the stairs to the apartment.

I remember dropping to the ground still screaming in pain and fear. My mind still was not clear as to what happened. I saw the shattered glass all around me and Daniel bleeding from his neck, his back, his face from falling and landing on the glass.

I don't know if blocked out the rest, if my mind just can't seem to remember, but all I do remember from this is within four hours later, Child Protective Services showed up and removed my daughters. I remember my mom and dad showing up and I still to this very day do not remember who told them and how they knew what happened. I remember going back to the apartment and talking to the police for hours and my dad just kept telling me to keep silent. He showed the police his badge but he was quickly told he was out of his jurisdiction and his legal savvy way was not going to work.

I remember my dad becoming angry but I don't know why. I remember my mom holding me and trying to get my under control. I do remember throwing up all over the couch and the living room. I remember a police officer coming in with the butcher knife and placing it on the coffee table telling me it was my choice of weapon. I remember something about me wanting to commit murder on Daniel. Yet, I was never arrested.

I still do not remember how many days I missed work but I do remember going back to work at the restaurant I worked at as a food server. I remember being a zombie, I remember how many orders of food I messed up. I remember going home to an empty apartment. My daughters gone, there was no more laughter from them or hearing them call me mommy, there was no more giggling or snuggling on the couch to watch tv. Daniel was gone and I had no clue where my daughters were. No one would tell me where they were. My parents never found out, and my mom telling me that she can't imagine Daniel doing something like this.

All I wanted was my daughters back in my arms, I wanted to see them and because I had no clue where they were, how long they would be gone, I just wanted to die. My life seemed black, empty, cold and with nothing to live for.

I remember getting a phone call from a social worker telling me that she wanted to come over and talk to me. I quickly replied yes and when she showed up she began talking to me. I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember Daniel showing up right after she did. The social worker told me that as long as I have contact with Daniel I will not be getting my daughters back any time soon. I was so pissed that he had the nerve to show up. I was so angry at him. When the social worker was there I began yelling at him to get out to leave and he refused to leave. I remember him telling me he loved me and he had every intention of fighting to be with me.

The social worker gathered her things and left. Daniel kept showing up every single day telling me he is not doing cocaine anymore. He stopped drinking, he is clean and he wants me back. As long as he continued to show up it kept my daughters away. My dad told me to get a stay away order and that is exactly what I did. I went to court and when I did I was informed that I had a court date to show up for my girls.

There is so much that is just blank with this, I had a court appointed attorney that just sucked. No matter what efforts I made to gain my daughters back , the stay away order for Daniel, my attorney never told the judge that, he never told the judge anything that I was trying to do to get my daughters back was never once ever mentioned.

I remember finally yelling at my attorney during one of my many court appearances how he was not representing me in my best interest. I went off, I began cussing and screaming at the judge who refused to listen to me. I began cussing and screaming at my attorney, right then and there the judge ordered the girls to stay away from me because I was then labeled as a "DARYLIC PERSON" he told me I was out of control. The judge told me I would be held in contempt of court if I did not gain some control of myself and that was when I felt helpless.

My world was just spinning out of control and it was just insane. The judge did however want to place my daughters with my parents and just because my mom told one of the hundred social workers involved in my case how she couldn't see Daniel doing this, the judge quickly ordered for the girls to go live with Rick once again.

Rick was summoned by the courts that he was to have temporary custody of the girls and that currently they are in foster care and still he didn't bother to show up for them for two weeks.

The world was becoming vice on my entire being squeezing my entire world into this nugget size piece. No matter what I did, the countless counseling, the parenting classes, Daniel showed up, he continued to show up no matter where I was. If I was meeting a social worker at a restaurant to share my growth, Daniel would be in the restaurant and of course the social worker would see him and quickly take notes that I still  had contact with Daniel when in fact I was fighting for him to leave. No matter how many stay away orders I had, he managed to disappear every time I called the cops. When the cops were gone he would show up again.

After four years of fighting for my kids, countless court dates, fighting with Rick, the judge, my attorney, the social workers, I finally got my daughters back.

But Savi had a different agenda, she didn't want to be with me, she learned to hate me she learned to not call me mom anymore, she began calling me by my first name and I quickly corrected her each time. She was angry at me and the world. She was even more angry at Rick because during one of our many court battles he showed  up telling the courts he didn't want the girls in his life anymore because they were "A PROBLEM" to his marriage to Jackie.

And then my life changed on a dime.....